Blended Families

XP: NBR: Parenting/Discipline question

SD got into trouble at school on Friday and it made me start to think about discipline in general.  Last year she would get into trouble (quite often) for talking during class and she would end up with silent lunch.  Unless she had silent lunch more than once in a week that would basically be the extent of her punishment at home.  She is now 10 and after having that conversation and warning her HUNDREDS of times over the last 3+ years that I can actually remember we both feel that we need to have a punishment at home because obviously she isn't learning her lesson...mind you she does get a warning before the silent lunch.  So, I was curious as to what other's punishments would be in their households or if you wouldn't punish at all.

 Also, SD's issue this week had nothing to do talking in class.  The teacher was reading something to the kids as part of her lesson and SD thought it was uninteresting so she picked up the Harry Potter book on her desk (that she has read twice already) and began to read that instead of listening to the teacher.  I was floored she had the nerve to do this because she absolutely KNEW it was wrong but did it anyway.  She was punished by DH and we are hoping she learned her lesson.  I was just interested also in hearing what your punishment would have been for this...she received silent lunch for this behavior in school.

Re: XP: NBR: Parenting/Discipline question

  • My take on this.  If her grades are not being affected, then any transgressions in school need to be kept in school unless her teacher thinks you need to step in. 

    BUT, I WOULD go to the teacher and ask her to ADD a writting exercise along with Quite Lunch.  25 "I will not talk in class" (and add 5 more lines hereafter) should do it.

    If you want to address it at home, then YOU make her write the lines.  This is the one thing that we have done with SS that seems to work somewhat.

    file:///Users/Ilumine/Desktop/Family%20Portrait%20for%20gift.jpg
  • It is hard to tell whether her talking has an impact on her grades because last year she would come home with homework and not know how to do it and tell me that the teacher didn't tell her how to do it...but there would be three examples completed (in SD's handwriting) and another 10-15 questions (the same kind) to complete.  It was clear that she wasn't paying attention but whether that is because of talking I don't know.  I would end up having to teach her how to do the work when she got home which became increasingly frustrating - not because I didn't want to help but because it seemed it was  happening more and more often (towards the end of the year it was almost every day), almost like she would not pay attention in class thinking she could come home and I could teach it to her - no harm no foul.
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  • Is it that she's bored? Is she needing something to do that's like a 'fun' thing for paying attention, like...

    You can help out in Mrs. so&so's class for 20 min on xyz days to help out if I see you've been behaving better and listening?  Or what about asking her what she feels would help her to pay better attention-make her come up with some options and come to an agreement.  If she can't think of any, come up with a few and have her choose.  Then, if she doesn't choose, then she would get more of a punishment.

    I know. I know... it's so not old school and I'm not sure it'd work... I just did a course on 'solving classroom problems' and these were what they suggested...

     

  • In this situation, the next time she came home saying that she did not understand/teacher did not explain, I would sit SD down and tell her that you KNOW that this information is discussed in class and that it is up to her to listen.

    Let her know that you will no longer help her do the homework, only review what she has done for basic mistakes and let her take the heat for it.

    THEN let her know that if her grades DO go below a certain point, she will then be punished at home. 

    And bring up the fact that she has had Silent Lunch BECAUSE of inattention (talking means you are not paying attention) so you KNOW that she is at fault.

    And let her fail.

    Then start building her up.

    file:///Users/Ilumine/Desktop/Family%20Portrait%20for%20gift.jpg
  • Thanks for the suggestions.  Unfortunately helping out in other classes is not an option  She is in 5th grade at a school that only has 5th and 6th grades in the building and her day is very planned out since she has more than one teacher and has actual classes.

    We have asked her what we or she can do to pay attention and she doesn't have any ideas.  It may be that she is bored but the reality is that no matter what grade you are in or what you are doing in your life you may get bored but you still have to be held accountable for the getting the information.  I can't tell you how many classes I had to sit in during high school, college, and graduate school that weren't the most interesting but I didn't have a choice. 

    I don't have any ideas of what to do to keep her interested, obviously you can't have fun and games, and something that everyone finds interesting all of the time.  I am just at a loss.

  • We had the same issue with SS year before last. The first month of school was rough because the teacher was sending a note home every week that he was running his mouth too much instead of listening. After the 4th note, DH had enough and said if  one more note came home, not only would he take every video game, toy, etc... away but he wouldn't be able to sit on his butt for a week and would have to stand in class and announce to class that he can't sit down cause my father spanked my butt!

    Now flame all you want, it doesn't faze me one bit. But know that 2 years later, we have not had one problem out of him. Not one. He has great grades and is doing well in the gifted program. He even came home last week and said his friend tried to get him to make a fart noise during class and he told him, "No way. My dad will spank my butt and I'll be grounded til I'm married!" LOL 

    That's the problem now with alot of these kids. There's no consequences for their actions. Silent luch--please. You start taking away the things she loves and that will get her attention. Not everyone spanks, but you can empty her room out til she gets her act together.

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  • Is your SD embarrassed to have parents around when she's with friends yet? My DH had this problem as a teen and he was in the popular crowd. FIL took the day off work, went to school with DH and raised his hand all day "Curly's DH knows the answer!" DH was mortified by FIL and looking like an idiot if he didn't know the answer. It definitely worked cause he didn't want FIL to come to school ever again.
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  • imageCurlyQ284:
    Is your SD embarrassed to have parents around when she's with friends yet? My DH had this problem as a teen and he was in the popular crowd. FIL took the day off work, went to school with DH and raised his hand all day "Curly's DH knows the answer!" DH was mortified by FIL and looking like an idiot if he didn't know the answer. It definitely worked cause he didn't want FIL to come to school ever again.

    I wish that would work Curly!  My grandma did the EXACT same thing with my dad when he was in school.  She was a VERY traditional Italian mother and went to school one day and sat right behind him in class!

  • My SD tends to let her mind wander and talks way to much. To the point she was getting up from her desk and going over to other kids desks to talk when she was supposed to be working :P If she were finishing her work, it may have been different, but the teacher was sending home incomplete work every week.

    I started emailing back and forth with her teacher, finding out how she did each day. Each day after school I would ask her if she got in trouble. If she said no, and was telling the truth, then she got to have an extra hour of TV time after dinner. If she said yes, we would discuss what happened, what she could do to improve, and no dessert that night. If she said no, and I knew she was lying, we would discuss it, no dessert, no TV and bedtime got moved up an hour. We always teach that the punishment for lying is much worse than the punishment for the action.

    When she was with us, the talking and stuff was rare after we changed the reward/punishment rules. but her mom didn't pay any attention to it, so the teacher would email me asking for the exchange schedule, so she could be prepared for SD's behavior changes. All that is another story though.

    This year (second grade) SD knows the rules, and has a much harsher teacher. She has had one warning so far, but it's three weeks into the school year, so not bad. If she makes it the whole week without any warnings or getting in trouble she gets 2 hours of "SD time" where she gets to pick any activity she wants for us to do. She LOVES that :)

  • Part of me thinks that Ilumine is right but part of me also thinks that we might have avoided many issues with SD if we were consistent and also if the school actually punished her for the things she did.  I think that if it keeps happening then you need to do something - either a punishment at home or ask the school to step things up to make her less likely to keep acting up because this is not working.  My concern is that it is not affecting her grades yet but that if she is allowed to keep acting up in school it will become an issue.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • I went through the same problem when I was exactly her age. I had always talked too much when I was in elementary school, and I was a big reader (still am when I have time). At about ten years old, I was really bored in class, despite also going to advanced studies three times weekly. I used to read my own books in class because they were more interesting to me. My grades suffered majorly, and my teacher said I should be pulled from advanced studies. My advanced teacher, however, said I should be attending advanced classes more often because she knew I was always engaged and interested in her class.

    My parents grounded me from the library at school ad sent them a note saying that unless my class was doing a project in the library, I was not to be there and was never to check out a book without their approval.

    I had to bring home all of my textbooks and materials everyday. My teacher gave written reports daily in my agenda and my parents had to sign them. All assignments, homework and classwork, were sent home to show that I had done them and made an effort (rather than doodling or putting smart ass answers like usual).  If I did not have homework one day (even on weekends), my parents assigned work for me.

    I improved until they said my attitude warranted me being pulled from advanced classes. My advanced teacher said that was the worst decision they could make, and she was right. Once they did that, I quit doing all work, period. I spent days in ISS over and over, silent lunch almost every day, desk facing the wall at the front of class. I found ways around the library grounding. I had friends check out books for me and then I would read them at school. And I continued to do poorly in school until they put me in honors classes in 8th grade. Then my attitude in school and my grades improved drastically, even in my non-honors classes.

    Not saying this is her issue. Just saying it really reminds me of what I was going through at her age and how my parents/school dealt with it.

  • I wish that were the issue ambrvan.  We work very hard at home to make sure she has good grades.  While she is smart, she isn't gifted.  She doesn't meet the guidelines that would indicate that she had a superior ability.  Yes, she likes to read but that is something we worked really hard on in 2nd grade.  She races through work at school and it causes silly mistakes and her to misread things and she wont check her work despite being reminded.  I thought that maybe she was gifted but after doing some research I realized that it didn't appear to be the issue. 

    I would love to handle it in a better way I just don't know how.

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