advice please?
ok lets see if i can explain my issue without boring everyone with a really long story.
Me and DH have been together 3 years and married 1. We are now expecting our first child together although its our 4th total. DH has 2 daughters 8 and 15 (dif BM) and i have a son 4.
SDs live about an hour away so we dont get to see them during the week or anything so our EOW time is all we get unless we make a special trip for sports or things like that. SD #2 will not stay the night without SD#1 staying and since she is in highschool and always seems to have better things to do... they usually only spend the day with us every other sat or sun. I have done everything i could since day one to be there for the girls and be envolved as much as a SM can. i understand that the teenage years are the hardest. especially just coming into a childs life at that point but at what point should it get better?
oldest SD has not liked/accepted me since day one and since SD #2 wants to be just like her big sister its not any better with her. not because of lack of effort on my part. im sure alot of it was jealousy because i was the first person DH was REALLY serious (he had a long time gf before me but they never lived together or anything and weird thing is SD still talks to her on a reg basis?) with since him and SD #1's mom got divorced 9 years ago (she is since remarried with 2 more kids). im also sure that the age dif in me and DH has something to do with it? but once again we have been together for 3 years now and these are all things that i thought she would get used to after a while. well things are not any better but only worse.
SD's have a major respect issue with me meaning i recieve none what so ever. SD #2 wanted nothing to do with our wedding (i even asked her to be my maid of honor with no luck) last year and almost didnt even come because i ended up picking a dress she didnt like (i tried 3 dif times to get her to come pick one out but she was always too busy). She has "something else to do" just about every weekend we are suppose to have her now so we dont get to see her often either. The newest issue is the new baby coming. When we told her about it (we knew she wouldnt take it well) she said "whatever floats your boat" and then said she was sick to her stomach for the next week because she just couldnt handle all the stress of it??? i tried talking to her about it 2 days after we told her with no luck. she ignored my calls and text as always.
this was suppose to be our weekend to have them and of course she was busy sat so we had them all day sunday. i have seen her once since we told her about the baby a month ago and it was only for about 2 hours at SD#2's bday party and she didnt even speak to me. which makes me feel horrible. So when DH mentioned the plans with them for yesterday i simply stated that i tought me and DS would just hang out at home and let him go spend time with the girls for the day. i dont know what else to do? if i go then i get the cold shoulder (i hate you stares) from the girls and me and DS end up doing our own thing anways but if i stay at home then i miss out on the times that i feel like should be our family times? i feel like iv tried as hard as i can and i dont want to just give up?
im so stressed over this and i have no idea what else to do?
Re: advice please?
Honestly this is a DH issue. If his kids do not have respect then that is because he has not demanded it. And if he barely sees them then it is his fault assuming there is a CO he should make them see him so that he is closer to them. And allowing #2 to not sleep over b/c her sister is not is just a lame excuse for not dealing with the issues. You need to either tell your DH to get his head out of his ass and parent these girls (and do not tell me that he already does when he sees them one day every other week) or you need to just back off and accept it.
I have to say that I realize this following comment is too little too late but I find it so frustrating how often I read people come to this board looking for advice on how to fix a problem that has been around since before they were married and now that they are PG all of the sudden it is a big issue, presumably because they do not want their own child raised with a lack of respect and seeing this behavior in their own home. This is an issue that people need to question before they get married.
I disagree that it's surely DH's who's causing all this and that it's just his problem. My sson is barely coming to our home but there is not much we can do regardless of what you may think. Hubby went to court and couldn't get more custody. When he comes here, hubby demands respect and sson runs away. He knows he doesn't have to be respectful at bmoms (cussing allowed, no curfew can illegally stay out till 5 AM if he wants, etc). We want him safe. We feel he's somewhat safer at bmom's house than ours if it's going to mean he's running away and missing for more than a day here! She can at least keep tabs on him. Yes, we can file that he's a runaway and you know what they do?? you get enough of those and he goes into fostercare. Courts don't want runaways staying in the home they are trying to get away from. Also, we can't physically get him to our house.
So I understand where the OP is coming from. It's tough when they are teens and sometimes you can only do so much when the other parent is not on board with the same action plan.
I have raised a teen SD so I know what they are like...and believe me we went through way more than our share of issues.
First, one of those kids is 8yo...that is not a teen and is not an age where they should get any say in choosing not to see their Dad. I could be wrong but it is also implied that they have a CO for EOW which if there are issues then it should be enforced...this is different than your situation of trying to get more custody. So if we were only talking about the oldest I would be a little more understanding but we are also talking about an 8yo. And my biggest issues when these stories come up, and they come up very regularly, is that it is very rare that the issues are new and 90% of the time the posts are accompanied with "and we are expecting our first together" comments. I might be being bitchy here but these are issues that should be looked at before getting married...and I say that to most of these post but in this case she specifically said it has been an ongoing issue.
Guess what, kids with "intact" families miss events with their friends on a regular basis too. They have family obligations....which is what visitation is. And missing out on the mall every other weekend WILL NOT KILL a teenager.
But it WILL KILL the parent/child relationship.
And in YOUR situation, your SS pulls these stunts because your DH does not enforce both the CO and any punishments. Were I to run away, there would have been hell to pay - to include some wonderful time spent volunteering at a homeless shelter (my parents did this with my sister).
Now that he is 17, there really ISN"T much you can do. But it is not as if he JUST started this trend.
Parents are supposed to parent - even if its on the weekend. That is how you TEACH a child to be a responsible, considerate adult.
Yip I?m with littlejen and Ilumine here. Why would they respect you when they have absolutely no respect for their father?
The only thing I will differ with LJ on is that respect is not demanded it is earned. Their father has not earned their respect because he is an absent father or a mere father figure in their lives.
Step back for your own sanity, the relationship will not improve until your DH steps up to the plate and assures his kids they are loved and valued by him.
Also I wouldn't bother telling your DH that you love his kids. Why would you love them??? They are rude and disrespectful to you. I would tell him that you have tried to build a relationship with them but now you are stepping back until HE fixes his relationship with them, only then are you willing to try again.
The problem here is your DH not your skids.
I agree with PP's on the 8 year old. She should be choosing when she comes and goes. Your DH needs to build a relationship with her that is not dependent on her sister.
The 15 year old is a whole different story. You need to step back and let her come to you. I have been in my almost 15 year old SD's life since she was 7 and she is having moments when she thinks she knows more and doesn't want to be around all of us (BM, dad, me, siblings). It's a lot with the age. Don't allow her to control your house or your emotions. She thinks she wants you to leave her alone but if you do she may realize that isn't what she wants at all. Go enjoy the time with your son before the LO arrives and your H can have some one on ones with his daughters. It sounds like they need it.
thanks ladies. i agree with most of you in the fact that it is a DH issue, which is also why it has caused so many fights between me and DH. it has been an ongoing thing. ongoing since day one. iv done all i feel i can do and then some. DH doesnt seem to think its a big issue and brushes it off. I agree that he should enforce the issues with SD#2 to stay and iv also pushed that issue in to fights that go no where. he feels that if he makes her stay then he will only make it worse. he also feels that if he has to get on to them about things when they are with us then he will push them away since he only sees them every other weekend. trust me i know its stupid and i totally disagree with him but i get no where with any of it. me and DH had a talk last night and i simply told him that until he works all the issues out with them then me and DS would just hang out seperately. this is a hard decision because i want us to be a family and i dont feel like this is the way things are suppose to be but its life and its not always a pretty picture like we want it to be!
LJ- i understand what your saying about woman bringing things up once they are pregnant because they feel lke there child may be treated this way or whatever.. and id be lying if the thought of it didnt cross my mind a time or two.. but thats not why im just now asking advice ont his issue. it has been a problem for years now and im just to my breaking point and dont know what else to do.
Phantom, you worded it better than I did, I know respect needs to be earned and not demanded! Poor wording on my part.
TG, it sounds like you have your head on straight and unfortunately your DH has decided that it is just easier not to parent and not to deal with any issues that parents need to deal with. Hopefully your comments will get through to him. You know this already but they will only resent him for not being there for them and will not grow to appreciate that he only saw them once or twice a month so that they could hang out with their friends (and how much of a social life does an 8yo have anyway, it's not like you could not bring her to a birthday party or soccer practice?)
Ok, this just pissed me off. I would tell him to parent his own children before he worries about mine! I would normally say that he has a right to parent a child that lives with him but not if he refuses to step up with his own kids. And from your tone I am guessing that he is quick to get annoyed by your child and gets on his case about stuff - totally not cool and not respectful to either you or your son. It is not fair that your son is the only child that your husband thinks should have rules in your house. And I would guess that when the baby comes it will get worse.
Once you realize that not everyone has the same perception of what things "should" be - and ESPECIALLY in blended families where people are often "put together" by force, you'll be more at peace.
You want to be a family, you want this perfect picture as you imagined it in your head...but very seldom you get into a situation when the other participants - especially the ones who are in the situation involuntarily (the kids) - are willing and eager to assume the roles that fit your perfect scenario. You want to be a family, your 15-year old SD most likely doesn't want to be your family. That's plain as day. She doesn't like you, she doesn't like the situation she's in, she doesn't want to include you in her life. It may get better, but it may not. In the meantime, she's influencing her younger sister. This is also a pretty frequent and somewhat understandable behavior of a teenager. It's the only way to rebel against a situation that she doesn't want to be in. Having her younger sister on her side gives her the security she's not alone on "the other side of the barricade".
What to do in this case? Back off and disengage. Obviously, the other approach (being open, trying to be friendly, planning things together...trying to be "family" etc) proved inneffective, so it's better to try something else than hitting your head in the same spot all the time. The girls are your husbands kids first and foremost and it's up to him how he parents them. You parent yours now. Like I said, you tried, it didn't work...let him handle it and you follow his lead. He lets things go? Fine. He likes things the way they are? Great. He doesn't mind when he doesn't see them EOW? Ok - he's an adult. Who said that the wife always has to influence how things go with all the kids and make sure things happen the way they "should"? Don't assume that title. They're HIS children and children of THEIR mothers. The BM's are not absent, so don't assume too much of an active role because the children have both of their parents in their lives. He should hang out with them for a while without you present (you said it's stressful for you anyway) and do things with them and see where it goes. The important thing at the moment and in this situation is their relationship with their dad, not necessarily a deep bond between the girls and you. It's only a few hours every other weekend anyway or it's sporadic at best, so you'll survive without him, no? The only thing you need to enforce is a very basic rule...make sure they respect you as they would any other adult (not necessarily a family member)....but maybe like a teacher or a doctor etc. That means, they need to say hello, say thank you when you give them something and generally respect your home as any other child would who visits your house (like your friend's children that come to visit, for example). That is it. Once you stop expecting more than this, you will breathe easier.
One last thing: please focus on your little boy and make sure you parent him the way you want to. Your husband has no place disciplining him, if you don't agree with the form of discipline. He is YOUR child. He and your unborn baby are your focus.