Sorry to be a PW

erbarmywife · August 2010

How do you plan a funeral for a child? As a parent, you are supposed to die first. How is it fair that, as a mommy, I now have to plan a memorial or a funeral for my baby? No parent should EVER have to do that. And I have a whole new respect for other parents who have done this before.

danamh83 · August 2010

Maybe the funeral director or chaplin/priest/minister/etc. can give you some ideas?

krissymac · August 2010

It's so not fair.

bethskye · August 2010

I'm very sorry that you have to be doing this. First, take a deep breath. It's not as daunting as it seems, but it is painful. Then, call the funeral home that you want to use. I had to pay internment costs at the cemetery (~$200 for the internment as well as the foundation for the stone), and that was it. Find out what the cost is for infants, it's usually very very small. Funeral homes know that most parents will not have the money for a funeral, and it should be nearly all gratis. If it isn't then find a new funeral home. They'll take care of everything.

There are various non-profit organizations that make coffins for infants, and so they should be able to supply one for free. Natalie's was a beautiful little white coffin that came with a bear that I could take with me. Having a "takeaway" may seem cheesy, but when you're leaving your little one behind it helps to have something to bring with you. They can usually come up with a form to write the obituary, if you want one, and it's all pretty simple.

If you choose to inter your little one, you don't have to buy a plot. Natalie is buried on top of her grandfather. It seemed fitting to put her from my arms into the arms of someone who would have loved and protected her had he lived. If there is a relative who makes sense, then I would suggest that as a route.

I have to say that the funeral directors that I worked with were amazing. We had to transport Natalie 6 hours from the hospital where I delivered to our family home where she was buried. The undertaker picked her up from the hospital and drove her the entire way because "if this was my little girl, I'd hope that someone wouldn't just put her on a plane." Mind you, this was someone that we weren't paying. He was just being kind.

The stone was also gratis. When they carve large stones, monument companies save smaller pieces for infant markers, and they did a beautiful sleeping angel on a cloud with her name and the date. The stone was pink, and it was very fitting for my little girl. The funeral home should be able to point you toward a monument company that can help.

The service is a standard thing. Just let your priest/pastor/rabbi/official know when and where. They'll take care of it.

The people around you in this funeral directors/monument companies/religious leaders will know that you are in the hardest moment of your life. They can anticipate your needs, and they will work hard to do so.

The funeral was so hard, but I'm glad that my family got a moment to say goodbye to her along with me. They loved her too, and it gave them a moment for closure.

One final thing. Don't be afraid to have a friend get a preemie outfit and put in a few stuffed animals and a note from mom and dad if you're burying your little one. That was the hardest letter that I've ever written, but it felt like I was putting myself in there with her, and it was so very important to me.

I'm so sorry that you're having to make the decisions that no parent should have to make for their child. I hope that some of this helps.

allybaby85 · August 2010

It sucks really really bad. My baby died at 33 weeks and I had to give birth to her only to know she was not going to breathe and cry. Some how the memorial service we had for her...even though it was short and only family, provided some closure to the whole situation. We had Lillyan cremated and I had some of her ashes put into a pendant that I wear every single day. I'm still having a hard time dealing with it and am going to at least try a local support group and see what its like. It is totally unfair, just know that you are not alone in dealing with this and I am always here to talk if you need me. My prayers are with you.

angiemedic56 · August 2010

I'm so sorry for your loss. We buried our baby boy 10 days ago. We had a funeral service for him. It was actually a very beautiful service, and over 200 hundred people came, which was quite surprising to me and my husband. Our family did the majority of the planning, because I would just burst into tears every time I was asked a question. My husband and I did have to decided on the big things (Aiden's casket, burial site, funeral service details, etc...). But we could not have gotten through it without the help and support of our family and friends.

I wish you strength and love in the days, weeks, and months to come. Just remember you are not alone.

jertie · August 2010

I am so sad for your loss. This is an awful thing to have to do and the last thing that you should be doing right now. We buried our little one 3 weeks ago today and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. The hospital was tremendous and gave us several options and contacts for mortuaries, etc. In the end we decided to bury Ace in a common grave with two other stillborn babies. I really liked the idea that he would be with other babies.

This option was provided by the Archdiocese and specifically for stillborn babies. With this option, the Archdiocese took care of everything - service, casket, etc. and we purchased a granite marker for his grave. They also let us put a crocheted blanket that my Mom made for him in the casket - they were very, very kind. They called us up and told us when the service would be and we showed up. I hope that doesn't sound too cold, but we never really knew what Ace would have liked and it didn't feel right having a memorial when he never took a breath, we're not religious at all and we just wanted a permanent place to visit and prove that he existed.

Know that whatever you decide will be right for you and your family. This process will not be an easy one, but the people you work with will be there to support you every step of the way.

BlakeG · August 2010

I am so sorry. No mother should ever have to go through this. You are in my T&Ps

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