Advice needed- Help for H re: loss in previous relationship

kelseymw · August 2010

Hi all,

I've come to this board because I think you all may be able to offer the best advice. My husband and I have been discussing TTC for about a month and he says he is ready one day, and then the next he won't address it at all or gets frustrated. He finally told me a few days ago that he is having a mental block because of the loss of his daughter from a previous relationship. About 4 years ago he lost a daughter at birth. After the loss, his relationship went downhill because his ex became desperate to get pregnant and started sleeping with other men in order to do so.

He has an intense fear of losing another child, and subsequently "losing" our relationship. I am not sure how to comfort him or reassure him and it breaks my heart to know he is hurting. Are there any resources we can reference for help on this (either for him, me or together)? Any advice?

All help is greatly appreciated. TIA and GL to you all!

Laurakat81 · August 2010

I don't really have any great advice for you. I wish I did. I would say just be patient with him. Losing a child is a nightmare and the fear that comes with trying again is overwhelming at times.

Just continue to reassure him that you love him and that no matter what you will always love him and will never leave him. Maybe even consider seeing a counselor with him to better understand his fears, and so that HE can better understand his fears and not let that cripple his future.

Good luck!

shanna82 · August 2010

Gosh, what a tough situation. I'm sorry for his loss and for what you both are going through.

Honestly I have no advise. I think continuing to reassure him that you will have your take home baby when the time is right....wow, I really don't know. I'm no help.

Has he had any counceling? Maybe you could go together?

ColleenS629 · August 2010

I like the suggestion of counselng. He may not have fully dealt with his grief. Maybe counseling will be helpful to both of you to work through it.

tiffanysbride · August 2010

Wow. It must be really hard for him b/c the person that should have been there to talk with choose to betray him after their loss and then he had that loss to deal with. I would suggest counseling b/c while you can listen it truly is different to talk with someone who really understands loosing a child. A support group might also help.

Also, if he talks with you just listen. Please do not try and fix it, listen and listen some more. Reassure him that you are not his ex and that your relationship is solid.

kelseymw · August 2010

Thanks for the replies. I talked to him about counseling this morning after reading this and he agreed to see someone. He never got to grieve when it happened because he deployed a month later. He knows he needs to open up and face the issue now, but he was so worried if he went to a "counselor" it would mean he was "messed up" or something. I am so happy he agreed to see someone. Seeing that other people who've experienced the same thing think it's okay helped. Thank you all!

damabo80 · August 2010

ColleenS629:
I like the suggestion of counselng. He may not have fully dealt with his grief. Maybe counseling will be helpful to both of you to work through it.

Yep, this. The fact that it would be "feared" for you to lose a child and then start sleeping around on him isn't normal. Counseling would be your best bet. He has some serious demons to work through, and if having kids is important to you, it is important to work through those issues to come to some sort of agreement you both are comfortable with.

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Advice needed- Help for H re: loss in previous relationship

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