how do you deal with...

Laurakat81 · August 2010

family or friends who truly believe your loss was nothing?

I'm dealing with a hell of a SIL who has created more drama in my life in just the last week than I have ever dealt with in my entire life. I won't go into detail but she said some absolutely awful things to me b/c she is mad at me about something else.

She claims that I have no right to be upset and that I'm just trying to make people feel sorry for me and that my children were never really babies anyway.

She claimed that she has been through worse b/c she had three children in two years and the stress of that is far beyond anything I'm whining about!!!

I'm so livid and yet so hurt.

How do you deal with rude and insensitive people?

ColleenS629 · August 2010

Throatpunch?

butterfly843 · August 2010

I just stopped talking and dealing with them. If I see them at family events or parties I try to stay away from them and keep busy talking to other people.

e_uecker · August 2010

Oh.My.Gosh. I would have a hard time not cutting her out of my life. Honestly. I've heard some pretty stupid things, but nothing that was meant to hurt me. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this awful person.

cherylanddoug · August 2010

OMG I am so sorry you have to deal with that!

I don't know if there's any chance of empathy at all but I think this poem really says a lot about what we are going through.

?A Pair of Shoes?
Author Unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not
theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don?t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

tiffanysbride · August 2010

Do we have the same SIL? Mine made some pretty horrific comments to DH about a week after Nicholas was born/died. The kicker is she was pg (5 wks ahead of me) at the time. DH put her in her place, I have never seen him that anger in the 11 years I've known him. She apologized but I still refused to speak with her as did DH for a while. After her son was born not breathing she realized what she did and said in a more personal way.

My policy with hurtful statements and toxic people is to cut them out. Don't talk to her or have contact with her until your ready. If she says something say your peace and walk away. Focus on yourself and let the chips fall where they may. At some point you do have to let go of the anger for yourself but for now be anger and tell her.

Laurakat81 · August 2010

The truth is I'd like to cut her out completely but that would mean cutting out my brother and their kids. I guess I'm answering my own question though, I just have to suck it up, ignore her when I can, and be the better person the rest of the time.

She truly sent me the meanest email I've ever gotten from anyone. In fact she snooped through a personal journal of mine and got mad at me for complaining that neither she nor my brother ever called after my first loss. I tore her a new one in the journal but the thing is it was my PRIVATE journal that she never should have read. I never wanted her or my brother to ever know how hurt I was that they never called so I vented in a private place.

All of this comes back to her digging for dirt and she found it. and yet its my fault.

Laurakat81 · August 2010

thank you cheryl. that was a beautiful poem.

mary548 · August 2010

So she's mad because you're hurt and she read that in your PRIVATE journal?! She's insane! It seems to me she's making it about her. How does your brother feel about her being this way with you? I'm so sorry you are having to deal with her.

Laurakat81 · August 2010

He's livid but I honestly don't know what he will say or do about it. SIL called my brother at work earlier in tears about what she read. Brother called my mom all worked up about it and Mom called me. DRAMA.

I then checked my email and found she'd written me twice. Just hateful stuff. I called my mom back and read the email to her. She then called my brother who then read the email for himself. He was pissed but that is all i know.

My family is really not into drama. We're really not. But her family is. And she's having problems with a mom who is LITERALLY off the wall crazy and I think somehow i've become her scapegoat.

Thanks for letting me vent here. I hope this is the last time I ever have to write about her unless its something good.

SIGH!!!!

Dawneecakes · August 2010

Sorry you are dealing with this. I got all worked up just reading about her!

tiffanysbride · August 2010

Really the only way to deal with a person like this is minimize the stuff you allow yourself to deal with. My brother is toxic and I have to really keep conversations in check. If he goes down a road that is off limits I remind him that I will not talk about x with him, if he continues I get up and leave or hang up. Period. It sounds extreme but please don't let this woman get to you, it will do more harm to you then her. I wish you didn't have to deal with this.

luckymrs. · August 2010

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Not what you (or anyone!) need at all.

Honestly, I would cut her out of my life for now--until she womans up and apologizes in earnest. I know you don't want to lose the relationship w/ your brother and his kids, but--if it were me--I'd take that for a while over letting SIL think she was getting away with treating you like that. And the reading your personal journal thing? WOW. That's WAY over the line. Throatpunch territory, as PP said.

Whatever you decide to do, GL!

Aniegbuna · August 2010

ColleenS629:
Throatpunch?

This. And avoiding them as much as possible. Seriously people like that just won't get it and you'll end up feeling like your banging your head against the wall.

Karen1998 · August 2010

WOW. What a biotch! I agree with others that you should cut her out, at least for a while. I'd be frank with your brother too about why. I wouldn't waste my time talking to her as she's just going to be nasty about it. He can deal with his own waste of a wife. He chose that bed and he's chosen to stay in it.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. You did the right thing by journaling. You needed to get it out and found a good way to do it. She, on the other hand, clearly hasn't grown up from being, oh say 8, and did the exact wrong thing by snooping. She invaded your privacy and should be apologizing to you for it.

ETA: I forgot to actually answer your initial question. I don't know. My family doesn't understand it. I think they realize that it's something, but really haven't reacted in the most helpful way. I think they do try, but they don't know what to do. It doesn't change the fact that their reaction hurts and that I have to deal with that.

Izabella22 · August 2010

Ugh what a hag, seriously wtf is wrong w/ people like that? I know its family so you can't cut them out completely, but I'd avoid contact whenever possible and keep any conversations short and to the point. I cut out my "best friend" after my m/c after she got ripped at me for telling her it hurt me for her to complain about how "awful" her mothers day was with her baby b/c her hubs was a jerk, told me to "get over myself and move on". Needless to say that was the last contact, the next one would have been my fist to her throat cause yeah... people like that deserve a nice shot to the larynx. A$$holes! I'm sorry you have to deal with this... SILs always seem to carry some sort of drama or another!

Kristin&Adam · August 2010

I'm sorry you had to deal with that - yikes. Sounds like someone owes you an apology BIG TIME!

Laurakat81 · August 2010

she did just send me another email apologizing profusely.

I know most of what she said was in anger but there was certainly some truth behind it. But I must give her some credit for apologizing at all.

I also talked to my brother and he was horrified with it all and apologized for her as well.

I simply told him that while I love them both to death that I can't deal with any more of her drama and the next time she got her feelings hurt over something I wrote in private or something I posted on my public blog that I simply was not going to acknowledge it at all. I really can't deal with this kind of stuff.

I believe that she is sorry and that she said things in anger just as I did when I wrote that entry but yeah, I've truthfully lost alot of trust in her over the last week with all her drama. She's successfully made my losses about her and I can't have that anymore.

I do love her and care about her and really feel like she's dealing with some tough crap right now and that is why she is lashign out at me but I can't stand it anymore. We used to be close. I'm just going to keeping my distance for a while.