I went back to work FT when DD was 12 weeks old, but I was laid off six months later. I spent 9 mos at home (freelancing and contract work) but recently took a six-month project out of the house four days a week. DD is now 19mos old.
Ever since I went back to work, DD has been so clingy to my husband. Part of it is a "daddy phase", but it feels like she's rejecting me. When she wakes up in the morning, she calls "Hiiiiii DADDY!" and if I go in to get her from her crib, she turns her back on me and plops down in tears. If she falls and bumps herself, she wants to go to Daddy. When Daddy leaves the room, she dissolves into hysterics. When I get home from work at night and hears the front door open, she yells "Daddddddy!" and is visibly disappointed to find me standing there. She seems to care less if I come or go and it seems like she'll go to our live-in nanny before she comes to me.
I know it sounds silly, but she's really hurting my feelings. And I can't help but feel like it all started when I went back to work. I'm the "bad cop" ... always enforcing the discipline, having her finish dinner, take a bath, go to bed (I do bedtime routine). DH is always soft on her, and the nanny is just there to play all day.
Since I'm not around enough, I can't be "the fun mom" ... it's all business when I get home from work, and on the weekends, she turns a cold shoulder so she can spend more time with Daddy. DH thinks I'm blowing it out of proportion and that I'm being too sensitive, but I know if the situations were reversed, he'd be crushed.
Please share any similar experiences or thoughts that can help me get through this difficult period. I feel like crying when I leave for work, crying when I get home and can only imagine how much harder this gets as she gets older.
Sorry so long and thanks in advance.
Re: DD hurts my feelings (long)
I feel the same way with my DD. She is 14 months old and has been in daycare since she was 6 weeks. Up until about 3 weeks ago she seemed fine DH & I equally made the time that we did spend with her (nights & weekends) the best that they could be. Starting about 3 weeks ago I became the bad cop as you called it. I don't know why, but it is heart breaking!
My DH also says I'm over reacting and that it's just a phase. I know that he's probally right, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I've just been trying to stay up beat with her, and hope the phase passes quickly.
Good Luck to you!!!
I am so sorry you are going through this and I know how you feel.
Starting around 10 months of age, my DS "preferred" DH. Everyone told me "it's a phase" however, he's 17 months now and I still see it happening, though maybe slightly less, my DH is his preferred.
What changed things a little for me with DS was:
1) I tried to be the "fun" parent more. DH always tickles/wrestles, etc. and I was always the bath giver, dinner feeder, etc. Now, I lay on the floor and let him climb on me, I chase him around the sofa...basically showing "mama can be fun too!" He does prefer I read him books over my DH which I cling to, pathetic I know.
2) My DH works 10-3 on Weekends now (as of May) and I really try to bond with DS during that time that we are alone. I play with him, take him for walks, teach him new words. Anything to make the one on one richer.
In the end, I truly still feel DS prefers my DH. Sometimes, I feel it even a little more now that DH works on the weekends - like DS misses him more and therefore is more clingy when he is around.
I just keep trying to take it in stride and do my plan of focusing on DS and hope that this "phase" that's been going on about 7 months really does pass. It's really, really hard at times though.
Both my kids swing back and forth between all-about-Mom and all-about-Dad phases, so yes, some of it is probably a phase and has little to do with you working.
What bothers me is that your DH is "soft" on her and makes you the bad cop. I would talk to him seriously about not putting you in that position, and helping you enforce rules and discipline. You don't want to set yourself up for a lifetime of "Mommy's mean, so I'll go ask Daddy who will say yes." I'd be more concerned with your DH being so comfortable with that dynamic and leaving you hanging. He must recognize what's going on and how it's affecting your relationship with her, right? Does he not see it?
This 100%. While it is normal to swing through preferences and like you, I am more often the disciplinarian, we both strive to do so and even check in with each other ("honey, is she done with dinner?" or "does she need a bath tonight?"). We take turns putting our kids down (one gets DD and the other DS and then we swap the next night) to try and give each parent equal play. So I would definitely be talking to him that this can't continue and he needs to start acting the roll of parent, not Santa Claus.
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
To clarify - my DH and I are equally good cop/bad cop. I wasn't much of a wrestler before, but was the story reader...so we are pretty equal, but DS did and sometimes still does prefer DH.
You definitely need to make sure he is bad cop, bath giver, dinner feeder as equally as you.