Jealous SD...any suggestions?
Hi All,
My fiance and I have always had a long distance relationship and I am moving out there tomorrow, we are getting married on the 3rd, and having a baby in January. He has 2 kids - a boy who is 9 and a girl 8 and he has them EOW. The little boy is so excited about us getting married and us being together but the daughter has told both of us that she's jealous. She doesn't want us to hold hands or kiss on the cheek...pretty much no affection. Tell me if I'm being immature here...PLEASE! I don't want to feel controlled by an 8 year old. I want to be affectionate with my hubby in front of the kids (and when I say that, I just mean being able to hold hands, hug and sit next to each other on the couch without issue...nothing crazy) but at the same time I understand that this is going to be a tough time for SD because she hasn't had to share him with anyone other than her brother.
How do I handle this situation? Thanks all!!
Re: Jealous SD...any suggestions?
I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who gets irritated by it. I thought I was being selfish and childish. I'm going to have to deal with the sleeping issue, too...except at 8, she's way too old to be sleeping with us.
I hope time does make it easier. Thanks!
Welcome to being part of a blended family. Let's see - since you've been in a LDR, so you're not there full-time yet. You are about to move in, get married and have a baby in the span of just a few months. Her world is about to get rocked upside down and you're annoyed that she's jealous? Really? At least she's verbalizing that she's jealous and I think her feelings are normal.
Give the child some time before you make this out to be a huge problem. Don't make her feel bad for feeling jealous - make her feel included. This can take a long time, so don't expect it to happen overnight. She may need more time than SS to adjust, especially if she has a close relationship with her father.
This.
I've been around my SD since she was 2, so she doesn't remember me ever not being there. And I never really had an jealousy issues over her dad to work with, but recently (now that DS is hitting so many milestones), she is starting to get jealous of him. I keep reminding her that I love them both just as much but I will always have loved her first. That normally makes her all giggly happy and puts her jealousy at ease for the moment.
Parent jealousy is different than sibling jealousy, and it probably is going to make things more difficult. But this is going to be a HUGE adjustment for her all at once. It's really not fair to her, to be honest. So you and your FI are just going to have to make sure to extra patient, yet extra consistent. Don't let things slide, but don't have unreal expectations either.
When I was pregnant, SD always got her own copy of each ultrasound picture to keep for herself (and even at four years old, she has managed to hold on to them, as crinkled and torn as they might be). We talked about names with her and let her give her input, and whenever we looked at baby stuff, we asked her what she thought a baby brother would need. We always answered any of her questions with honesty and love, and when DS was moving around, she got to feel him and even see him bumping around in there. And of course, DH and I both made sure to spend one on one time with her alone to remind her how special she was to each of us.
I remember two nights before I went into labor, SD and I had a "pedicure night." Yes, I was 37 weeks pregnant and painting my own toe nails. It took me probably an hour, but it was worth it. SD loves it when we paint our toes to match, with polk a dots and stripes and things. She didn't stop chattering the whole time. And at the hospital when DS was born, she had to take off her shoes and show the nurses how good of a job "her Amber" did on her toes.
There's lots of little things you can do to remind your skids how important they are. And don't forget to step back and let DH have his time with them, too. I still take a little while to myself after DS goes to bed sometimes to read a book or something so that DH and SD can have their time when he gets a chance. Now more than ever since school and work are taking a lot of his time. When he is home, I know SD needs him more than I do.
I also read your post on the Parenting board about them co-sleeping with their dad. SD co-slept most of the time before DH and I lived together, as well. He started moving her back into her room before I moved in, and she was doing well sleeping in her own bed all night. After I moved in, she would start off in her bed and sometimes end up in our bed anyway. You need to talk to you FI about this. He needs to be encouraging them to sleep in their own room. If they get up and come to his bed, he needs to take them back to their own beds. But be prepared. There are some nights, I'm sure, that you will find yourself being pushed out of the bed or little toes being stuck up your nostrils.
It will take time. The kids are used to having their time alone with their dad, so it will be a huge adjustment once you move in, get married and have a baby. Although at 8 yrs old, you would think she would understand, but they don't. I was told my a counselor that kids at that age still hold on to the hope of their parents getting back together.
Just be sure to still give the kids some time alone with their dad and keep your expectations low. Once the baby comes, I am sure your SD will be jealous of the baby too, as the baby will get to be with you dh everyday, and she won't. Patience is key. I have been dealing with jealous issues with my 12 yr old ss, so I understand your frustrations, but they are just kids.
GL!
You are being immature b/c you are putting your feelings above hers. I am not saying to let her control you but that realize that this will take getting used to for her. She is getting a new SM that she cannot know too well and a new sibling is on the way, she is 9 and it is hard for her. Take time for her to feel comfortable and you can be affectionate in private, over time you guys can start holding hands again, etc assuming that after the baby comes that you will be able to because you will be shocked what a baby changes.
Date night may be a good idea, but don't exclude yourself completely-especially when she is acting up. She will take some time to get comfortable with you but pulling yourself out of the equation all the time is only giving positive reinforcement for negative behavior. The situation is going to be testing both of your nerves and feelings and from my experience-spending a little quality time with just you and her may make it a little easier for her to be comfortable around you..even if it begins with just sitting next to her instead of FI on the couch or walking beside her in public instead of putting FI between you all the time.
I have been with my FI for almost 2 years now-and SS began being jealous of me very early on-putting his hands between us when we'd kiss or interrupting our little affections. I think mostly because he wasn't used to seeing that between his true parents and was used to getting all his dad's true affections. And you can only laugh it off so many times before it DOES feel like an insult. But I wanted him to know I was crazy about him too and affection is just one of the ways you can show it. And it's just the way I am.-I don't think he was used to that kind of female figure in his life. So I began to put my arm around SS to make a joke, give him something little I'd picked up for him along with a compliment, and have one on one talks with him. There were, and still are, times he will come back from being with his BM and act uncomfortable around me but after an adjustment period it seems to become clear that no matter what he hears or fears he can see that we only want the best for him and that means a healthy, stable, loving environment. Eventually he saw that I wasn't coming between him and his dad and started to show that he wanted my attention too. Now our biggest problem is that he has been maddeningly jealous that our LO is coming soon. (Not that his BM has been helpful through any of this). So the next step is to have him spend as much time as possible with me and the baby when he comes. We have him nearly every weekend now & Wednesdays, though the CO is every other weekend...and I truly think the more quality time together =more bonding. JMO.