Bad stepmom moments...
(keep messing up this post - sorry!).
These are two moments I had in the past few years that I cannot forget and feel like I handled the most poorly.
Just curious on what you all think of these two situations:
1. Sson was giving us a really hard time on how we don't "help out mom" enough. He said she can't buy all the things he needs (designer jeans and $150 shoes LOL) because we don't provide enough support. Hubby has consistently paid $1300 each month for support and is never ever late (I set up direct bank payments to her). The kids never had any idea how much we paid. One day after hearing sson bash hubby for so long over money for his mom, I once calmly walked in the room with copies of all the $1300 bank payments that each said "received". Of course this made SSon more angry but I felt at age 16 it was time he stop saying how we are too cheap to his mom without knowing what we even give. Prior to that hubby tried to have many conversations about how the court determined a reasonable amount and hubby pays it consistently. Did no good. Bmom constantly tells them she's at poverty level because hubby doesn't step up.
2. When 17 yr old sson backed out of our prepaid non refundable trip a day before we left (last month), I asked his bmom for some support in trying to get him to change his mind. She made it clear it was not her problem and would not help in any way. I told her she should then step up and do the right thing and make him do chores to pay us some back. We lost $1200. She had given her approval for the trip prior and said he'd be with us. She laughed at me. I told then told her that she should help pay us back out of her pocket since she wasn't being supportive. She laughed more. I told her she's not setting a good example for children. She cursed and walked away. 17 yr old sson witnessed all of this.
These are two big things I know I was wrong with in the way I handled....especially #2. I often think about both situations and wonder if there's anyway I could come to peace by apologizing or anything else.
Re: Bad stepmom moments...
What was your dh's reaction to these situations?
personally, I don't think you telling your SS how much money you pay each month in support is that big of a deal. At 16 I think he has a decent grasp on reality and he isn't a child that needs to be 'sheltered' anymore. Some people may not agree with me, I just really don't see it being that big of a deal. could you have handled it differently? Sure... I don't think it's the end of the world though.
Secondly, you suggesting BM pay for part of the trip you knew you were going to get no where with. I'm sure you were angry though, and people say dumb things when they are angry. Your SKids are pretty grown, they know how things work... I don't think either incdent is that bad. Had they been younger and more impressionable, I think it would have been a bigger issue. Now they are 16 and 17, they have pretty much formed their opinions on things, and that won't change until they have bills/kids of their own and then can fully understand. I wouldn't stress too much over it.
Watch me get flamed for this. Meh...
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Honestly, I think i would have handled the first situation the same way.
and while in the second situation things could have gone better, you didn't really make them worse. You're biggest problem was expecting rational behavior from irrational people.
What ever you do you are not going to sway the BM from her own "victim status". At least you may have made enough of an impression on your SS that there is always another side to the story. And you don't put up w/ BS and you are going to call people on it.
I don't have anything to say about how you handled those situations.
My question is, as someone else asked: where is DH?
How did he handle the issue with BM? With his son?
situation #1 = hubby just kept being repetitive with sson that he does not need to be concerned about the child support as we are paying exactly what the court states is a decent amount and we obviously make sure he has the necessities. I think hubby did a great job with his reactions to all this... but I obviously was mad that sson was just not accepting the reply and not letting up on bashing us on how we jip him and his mom. I couldn't fight the urge to intervene and show him the documentation. Some of it stems from me not knowing my dad paid my mom a fortune all our childhood (I found out at age 18 and he paid a fortune!) when my mom always implied she didn't get much of anything.
situation #2 = hubby says it's a waste of breathe to argue with her and that it doesn't change the end result and in fact makes things worse as it just angers all involved even more. he is right. but in this situation I couldn't control my anger and in the moment I thought it was better to say all that stuff in front of sson so that he can learn right from wrong.. I felt sson and mom both needed to hear that this was not OK.
In both situations, hubby didn't get angry that I gave my input although I know he thinks if I stay out of it, it's more peacekeeping. In situation #2 I felt a little bad for hubby as after I said what I said, mom's boyfriend yelled crazily at hubby "you whimp...you don't speak up and say ****.... you just let your wife talk crap"....something to that effect. Hubby didn't respond at all... i think that was the right thing to do as it just kept escalating.
I just think you could be spared the "should I have said this" guilt if your DH would be the dad and put his foot down, so to speak. I guess I can't understand how a kid could back out of a family vacation in a non-blended situation (I haven't dealt with teenagers), so why should he be allowed to simply because there is another home where he can stay? It seems terribly selfish, and not something a parent should allow. It seems doubly obnoxious when he's complaining about you not spending enough money on his clothes and shoes.
agreed. we're having a really tough time with SS. He's going down the wrong path and actually has had some charges against him in some stupid things he did. I don't think he should have a choice on the trip after he committed, BUT if we made him come we'd have two huge issues being (1) how do you physically get him on the plane...he would not come...yes, it's that bad, and (2) he'd make our trip a living hell. I was concerned if hubby got him on the plane, sson may run away out of state on our trip. I was terrified of that. So him staying back was the best at this point.. but still was horrible.
I wouldn't feel to bad about #1. DH has had to have several talks to SS in the last 3 years about his "poor mommy" vs. what we do for him. At 16 I think being honest (without bashing) about what his father does for him, would be a good thing.