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TTC After a Loss
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random thoughts...rant

mc2010ttcmc2010ttc member
in TTC After a Loss

 

why do i do this to myself? Im BFFN today, its dpo10, early still, i know....but every negative i see- makes me depressed. Plus i had a nice big temp drop this morning. I hate this rollercoaster. i hate that my mood changes with the cycle date. I start off a little sad...then optimistic that this is our month...than worrying if i did everything possible to ensure conception - i.e. Vitex, pomegranite, preseed, green tea, pineapple, elevated rear, and i literally lay there until i cant possible lay there anymore....everything. Then pissed when the hubby has to work late and it may interfere with O time...or if hes tired and doesnt want too- or if im tired and i dont want too. Then im usually fine for a week, then starting around 8dpo i start to get crazy...examining my body for and "little changes"...any weird pains...anything i can grasp onto for hope. I looked at my freaking boobs about 4 times already today. Then the testing begins and then i get depressed again with ever negative. I find myself praying after i POAS. Just saying "please, let this be our month". i feel pathetic that i spend so much time thinking about this.

i figure out what my due date would be before i even ovulate....then when im not pregnant- im depressed and figure out the next months due date....so sad, i know. then i calculate how old my DD will be when that ones born...then i start to think of the year and a half that we have been trying to get pg....then the one time i finally did, i freaking lose it. i just feel like a failure....

And seeing everyone i know being pregnant...or at least it seems that way. And one of my good friends is due in december (i would have been in January) and i still cant face her. she calls...i send her a text back. I wont go to her house cause i cant look at her growing belly.

I know im not the only one whose frustrated...i just needed to vent a little. I think DH is pretty tired of the roller coaster too. I hate the strain that its putting on us. 

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Re: random thoughts...rant

  • cherylanddougcherylanddoug member
    ((hugs))
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  • shanna82shanna82 member
    I'm sorry hon. Don't beat yourself up too much--we all have moments (or months for some ppl--not gonna mention any names :p) where we feel like this.

    I know it seems like it won't work, but maybe start a hobby (becsides TTC) to help your down time.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • mc2010ttcmc2010ttc member

    Lol. i was just thinking...i need a hobby...besides ttc.

    i tried scrapbooking once...but after it took me 4 hours to do one page, i quit.

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  • alliejoealliejoe member

    I think we're all guilty of this sometimes.  It's allowed. 

    As for a hobby... I don't have patience for scrap booking either...

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  • CashewsMommyCashewsMommy member
    ((((hugs))))


    BFP#1 {Cashew} - 9.19.09 EDD 5.26.10
    The day you first lay in my arms, you made my life complete.
    Aurora Rose born sleeping at 35w on 4-21-10
     BFP#2 {Almond} - 2.1.11 EDD 10.12.11 C/P 2.11.11

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  • Kristin&AdamKristin&Adam
    Hugs to you!
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  • jamilynn9jamilynn9 member
    Yeah, I get like this too.  When a friend said I was trying too hard, I wanted to punch her out.  It sucks so much and I'm so sorry you and so many of us are going through this.  TTC is like a full time job.
    imageBaby Birthday Ticker Ticker Every night I prayed for you. Then when you were in my belly, I prayed harder. Now that you're in my arms, I pray even harder.
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