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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
nilly5
member
BF slept in his truck last night (long)
nilly5
member
Last night the bf decided to come home drunk at 12:30 in the morning. He, for whatever reason was in a good mood (at the time) and started talking about things he wants to do to the house (we have lots of renovations that we want to do). So I of course was listening to him and gave him my two cents on stuff.
Ok, that went on for about 15 minutes of just going around the house talking about things we wanted to see happen for each room. Well, when we got to the kitchen I had said something about the kitchen door. (it's a swinging door, but there is carpet so it just drags..I dont like it) He, for whatever reason "loves" this door, and from then on he started getting rude.
I'm very unsure about how it turned, but the conversation some how got onto him saying that "I depend on him for everything". I believe I changed the subject to my parents 30th anniversary party next weekend that I will be going to. He then said "well, how are you going to get there, because I'm not giving you any money" I asked why? (I would need no more then $20 for gas) He says "because I can't afford to give it to you. I guess you're not going"
Now, I'm rather PO'd about this, mostly because he has known about this party for the past 2 months. So I just told him then I will have to ask my mom & I will just have to pay her back (I hate asking her for money, but I start my new job this week so I will be able to pay her back) He then got mad that I would even ask my parents for money.
Bottom line is he says "I depend on him for everything". But the thing is, I'm a stay at home mother (until friday), what does he expect? Up until now, there have been no jobs that would allow us to not have to put DS into daycare. (this jobs allows me to work in the morning and be back before BF goes to work) He has complete control of his money. I dont touch it unless I need gas money, which is hardly ever because I dont go anywhere.
In the end, the BF ended up sleeping in his truck all night. This morning we didnt say one word to each other. I'm really sick & tired of this crap. I finally get a job that works with our schedules and all he can do is *** and complain to me that it took me "too long" to get a job. He expects ME to be the bread winner & go find a job with insurance and all this other stuff...well, why can't YOU do that? It's not as if you have a 5 star job that pays you well. (in the end we pay bills and do have extra, but we now need a second income)
Anyway, I'm just tired of this same argument....I know I should cut my loss and leave him, but I want to see if this new job will help. Because maybe if I'm not asking him for money, he will stop complaining and getting on my case. WDYT? - sorry if I babbled, just wanted to get this off my chest.
(no flames please, just need some feed back)
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Re: BF slept in his truck last night (long)
"I know I should just cut my loss and leave him ..."
To me, that says it all. Not "if he doesn't stop complaining I might have to leave" or "if he keeps this up I'm threatening to leave". You say you KNOW you should leave, which means this argument can't be the first time you've considered it. He's either been complaining for a loooong time, or there are other issues.
"He expects ME to be the bread winner ..."
Okay ... you're expecting the same of him, aren't you? He has a job that's been paying the bills. Why exactly should HE find a new job with all the perks when you haven't had one at all? You're not married - if he wanted to he could stop paying for everything non-baby related and tell you to fend for yourself, and you wouldn't have a legal leg to stand on. I know that being a SAHM is tough, and daycare is expensive or not ideal to some, but your BF wanting you to get a job that would keep you provided for without his help is not a ridiculous notion.
"He has complete control over his money."
Um, yes. Because it's HIS money. If you want it to be your money too, get married. If he doesn't want to give you $20 for gas to go to your mother's party, that's his prerogative. By the same account, he should have no say whether you borrow it from your mom, your friend, the bank, or a bum on the street corner. The only thing you really have a say in in each other's lives is your LO.
Mes Petit Choux
I can't go back to yesterday - because I was a different person then. ~ Alice
The bottom line is that there are lots of women who are SAHMs (me included) who do not have to ask their husbands for money, who are not bullied and made to feel unimportant or like a burden. He controls you and he likes that control. I also believe that you're not married because he likes that control, too.
This last paragraph is the most important one you wrote. You know you should leave him. A new job isnt going to change that. If it's not money, it'll be something else. It will always be something for him and nothing YOU do will change HIM.
You are falling into the "Things would be better if...." excuse territory. "Things would be better if I got a job/ had another baby/ didnt expect so much of him/ wasnt always upsetting him/ etc." It's just not true. Things would be better if he was a different person, but you can't do anything about that. You can leave now before you start to believe the excuses he gives you and the ones you give yourself.
The best advice I can give you is what my mom told me when I was a teenager. Picture your perfect man, how he treats you and makes you feel. Then never settle for less. Would you want your son to be in a similar relationship when he is older? If you had a daughter would you want her to be with a guy who was like your SO? If the answer is honestly yes, maybe it can work. Trust your gut, it is never wrong.