Do I say something or let it go?
taagent
member
SD comes over to our house every day after school (actually I pick her up from school) to make sure her homework gets done and help her when she needs it. DH and I feel better and SD has said herself she would rather be here since I am home to help her and make sure it gets done than go straight to BM's house after school where she said she didn't think she would make herself do it. This past week we have found that BM hasn't been getting home until 7or 8pm each night and after dinner goes straight to her room so she doesn't spend any time with SD anyway.
THe problem we had was this past week SD got out of school with an attitude as soon as she got in the car. On a science paper that was graded she wrote "I don't know" to a question which is unacceptable to the teacher as well as DH and I and it was being lazy more than anything. So that is what started it. I got the eye roll, the big sigh, the flopping in the chair, ignoring me and playing with Bella while I am trying to help her after I asked her to stop. DH came home and saw what was going on and when he said something to her she talked back to him (which didn't go over well). It culminated in her mumbling under her breathe right in front of me when I was attempting to explain to her why an answer was wrong. I got annoyed and said I was done helping her for the day. DH was mad she was acting like this and said enough, we are taking her to BM's.
Of course BM wasn't home yet (this was at 7pm) so he called her numerous times trying to get ahold of her finally he spoke to her and told her what had happened. He also had a talk with SD in the car on the way to BM's about how she was treating me and acting in general. I find out today that BM also had a talk with SD and this is where my concern comes in. She told SD that she (SD) was treating me like crap and that I might not want to take it very long. That she (BM) and her boyfriend broke up because of the boyfriend's daughter and the way the girl treated her (BM). That if she continued to treat me like garbage that I would leave and it would be her (SD's) fault.
I appreciate her having a conversation with SD about this but this was not the conversation I was expecting! I would NEVER tell SD it was her fault if DH and I broke up. Her behavior doesn't make me want to help her but it doesn't make me want to leave DH...in fact that has never even crossed my mind. So, do I say something to SD or do I let SD keep thinking that if she continues on her current path of attitude (which a lot is the age and behavior she has learned at BM's) that it will cause DH and I to break up?
Re: Do I say something or let it go?
So, basically BM told her to be nasty to you and you will leave her Dad, thus she would have Daddy all to herself? Correct? Damn, that sounds familiar.
Your H should talk to SD and tell her that her attitude will not be tolerated. He should talk to her about how we treat others the way we want to be treated, she is old enough to be asked if she would appreciate being treated that way, and to understand why she is being asked that. He needs to remind her that you both love her, and want the best for her, and that you are not going anywhere. That if she keeps it up, the only thing that will happen is that all of the nice and fun things that you do for her will stop, because clearly if she is treating you that way, she doesn't appreciate it.
Then maybe you two can take a few hours to do something girly, and reconnect a bit. To assure her that you are not going anywhere, that you care about her, and enjoy having her in your life.
DH has talked to her and I was there when he did it. We have talked about the golden rule and that she doesn't like it when people do things/say things etc to/about her then she shouldn't do/say to/about other people.
SD doesn't want me and DH to break up...however BM does! BM is VERY manipulative but she plays it off like she is just dumb or trying to be *helpful*. It never occured to me she was trying to tell SD how to get me out of her and DH's life. I have told her that when she acts like that I don't want to do nice things for her or go out of my way for her.
The only reason I took it that way, is because that is what BM did to SS, once he was allowed to be around me. She told him, if he was mean to me that I would go away. He was 9 or 10 at the time, and honestly, I think that it is something that deeply affected our relationship. He is VERY dependant on his mother (to a point that makes me uncomfortable) and while we did talk to him about it on numerous occasions, I think that it has stuck with him to a point.
I hope that your SD is able to see past the manipulation, but if I had to guess it will take constant reminding. It sucks that her mom said those things, and will likely keep saying them, regardless of what you or H say to her about it (BM, that is).
Saying things to BM is pointless - she is the victim of everything. It is interesting to me that she told SD that the reason she and her bf broke up was because of the way his daughter treated her because SD hasn't lived in BM's house for a YEAR because of that child threatening to kill SD, chasing her around the house with a knife, threatening to kill herself, and finally she threatened BM with a pair of scissors - which is what finally broke them up.
Everything that happens is done TO her, even if it is FOR SD and it could be the tiniest thing. For instance DH and BM switch Christmas Eve's, last year was BM's CHristmas eve and this year is DH's. She celebrates THanksgiving and New Years with whatever parent she is with. Last year SD was with us for THanksgiving but offered to BM that SD could spend time with BM until 3pm when we were having our family Thanksgiving. DH ended up getting a call an hour later saying she wanted DH to pick SD up. Last year was also BM's year to have SD on New Year's Eve and New Years Day, so she had all three holidays. This year SD is with us for Thanksgiving again, this is DH's year for Christmas Eve, and for the first time in a couple of years we will have SD for New Years Eve. BM told DH that they would have to work something out since HE has all of the holiday's this year and she doesn't think that is fair (lol...) surprisingly there were no complaints last year...
This. 100%.