Am I out of line?

futremrsb · August 2010

So this morning, DH asked me " have you gone downstairs? Did you even see the kitchen?"

He did the dishes and wiped down the counters when he came home late last night from his weekly pool league. Mind you I was home with our DD all night, like every week. I don't mind being home with her or taking care of her, but I get other things done too, dinner, laundry, sweep ect...

He says "I was trying to do something nice for you"

I said thank you and then asked if he was going to tell me thank you every time I did something. He just looked at me, I say "cause if you need praise everytime you do something around the house then I expect it in return ok?"

he rolled his eyes at me and says "I was just trying to be nice"

Am I out of line? Serisouly dude you did the dishes...what do you want a trophy? Do I get a thanks for giving DD a bath? putting her to bed? getting her ready every morning? HELLO

st.augbride · August 2010

I TOTALLY know how you feel. Whenever dh does something new (that I always do) he makes a big song and dance about it. I'm just like, um, and did you notice I cleaned the whole house??! Still, I like his help a lot, so I thank him every time regardless. He needs the praise and I don't.

jlb669 · August 2010

I know how you feel. DH thinks he is being ROMANTIC by doing the dishes or mowing the lawn because it is getting something done around here. Huh?

Mrs.Carlybella · August 2010

eh- i would have said thank you and been thrilled. Is there a need to say thank you every time they do joint housework- no, however I found that my H gets proud of himself and is more inclined to do it on his own without a request if I tell him how much I appreciate the help

pattipu · August 2010

I completely understand what you're saying. However, if I do something that my DH normally does, like mow the lawn for instance (which I hate but did all last summer when I wasn't working), I just want to know that he appreciates it and acknowledges that I did it for him. If he didn't act appreciative I probably wouldn't continue to do it.

little_stars · August 2010

I know it can be frustrating when you don't feel like your hard work is being recognized, but I still would have thanked him. Even if you consistently do way more around the house he did make an effort that's unusual for him so I'd praise it anyway.

I know when I do a million things it's not necessarily that I want to do less, it's just that I want to be appreciated for what I do. Maybe you can thank him then have a discussion about how much you love taking care of your family but you need him to express verbally how much it means to him. Then look for little things that he does for you and make an effort to thank him in a way that makes sense to him. That can be so hard to do when you're feeling resentful but the benefits are worth it for you in the long run.

mary811 · August 2010

I think all women out there know where you are coming from! We are used to doing thankless jobs/tasks all the time, and we don't expect praise for paying the bills, cleaning the house, grocery shopping, cooking, and the husbands do. My husband cleaned the entire house on his day off last week, and it looked great, but he does expect praise or a damn cookie for doing it. I have yet to hear a thanks for doing the laundry for the last 5 years!

madladybride · August 2010

I would thank DH, but then when *I* do something, i.e. vacuum, pay the mortgage, sweep the kitchen, do laundry, I tell him. I figure if he is going to tell me, then I will tell him.

MiniMadness · August 2010

Mrs.Carlybella:
eh- i would have said thank you and been thrilled. Is there a need to say thank you every time they do joint housework- no, however I found that my H gets proud of himself and is more inclined to do it on his own without a request if I tell him how much I appreciate the help

THIS exactly. and he thanks me every night for dinner, etc that I do everyday..so I would have thanked him.

TiffanyTheMom · August 2010

I thank my DH when he cleans the kitchen, replaces the air filter, etc because stroking his ego makes him want to help me more.

I completely understand where you're coming from, though- I'm a SAHM and I'm ALWAYS cleaning. I don't get thanked for sweeping every day, or mopping a few times a week, or doing laundry or keeping the fridge and pantry stocked, potty training our daughter so we can be a diaper-free family for a few months, etc. I don't get thanked for anything I do around here. He will only thank me if I wait to mop til a half hour before he comes comes home and he smells the cleaning solution smell. Other than that, I don't get thanked. I wish he would notice the things I do around here even though it's constantly a disaster zone.

Ad.Interim · August 2010

No, you're not out of line. Unless you have both agreed that the dishes are your responsibility, then he shouldn't NEED to be thanked for doing them. He uses dishes, too, right?

But he is a man. The more you praise them the more likely they are to repeat the behavior.

njmoh · August 2010

If its not something he would normally do then yes I would thank him

VanessaJoy · August 2010

I undertsand your frustration, since you feel like you are in a thankless position, but if you are unselfish with your praise, it's likely that he will be too.

Personally, I think every couple should the the 5 Love Languages book, which has given MH and I a lot of perspective on things like this. I feel like we are always encouraging and lifting each other up now - my work week is shorter than his so I spend that extra time doing all those menial house tasks, which he is always extremely thankful for and will say so. On the flip side, whenever he does something I am always expressive of my thanks as well.

Your H did a nice thing (or thought he was) - don't let that nice thing turn into a fight or point of contention between you too. Maybe words of affirmation is his 'love language' (if you guys take the quiz together, he can find out yours as well) - if you learn to speak each others love languages, it will prevent a lot of unneccessary fights/grudges, trust me!

(Sorry if the whole love languages thing sounds hokey! It's an incredible book)

Serpentesbride · August 2010

He was looking for some acknowledgement. A thank ou goes a long way and doesn't cost a thing. Remember this is the man you love. You sound more resentful toward him which will do nothing in building a healthy relationship.

Jenniferk08 · August 2010

H gets like that sometimes.. but with how out of it i've been lately he has started to say thank you for things I do around the house. He does have his stupid moments like asking me what I did all day or how come I didn't start the laundry yet.. but I can't expect full changes over night.

RumbleLina · August 2010

I understand where you are coming from but you probably should have just said thank you and gave him a hug or kiss and just left it at that. He was obviously thinking of you when he was doing it so he had good intentions. He didn't necessarily needs a pat on the back but I think it is sweet he actually did it. He could have just went to bed and left it for you to clean up the next morning.

JosiePosy · August 2010

I would have said thank you and gave him a peck on the cheek. Those little things matter. No he doesn't need a trophy, but it's nice to be acknowledged. When there's another screaming baby in the house, those little things will really matter.

I'm not saying do cartwheels every time he does the dishes, but he wanted a compliment. Would that have been so hard?

erbear · August 2010

Mrs.Carlybella:
eh- i would have said thank you and been thrilled. Is there a need to say thank you every time they do joint housework- no, however I found that my H gets proud of himself and is more inclined to do it on his own without a request if I tell him how much I appreciate the help

This. You're being a jerk. Say "thank you" and move on with your life.

heehee611 · August 2010

You should read The Five Love Languages. It really explains how different people need to be recognized in different ways. I feel EXACTLY the same way you do, however, I've learned that my husband needs constant praise and positive reinforcement. He can be very insecure and needs to know that he is appreciated and loved. But I usually want to give him the same response you gave your DH Smile

Piperle · August 2010

It seems like he wanted to do something nice for you and you just shot him down. True, you don't get thank you's for everything you do on a daily basis, but do you thank him for getting up and going to work everyday? No. So if you did something for him that he usually does wouldn't you expect some kind of thank you? I know pregnancy makes us very sensitive and emotional, but just take a big breath and when he gets home from work today, thank him for everything he does to make your family work and it will all be okay.

I don't need a thank you for cooking, cleaning and taking care of our daughter, but I need a "wow, you look great!" every time I put on make up and do my hair, so I figure I can stroke his ego if he does something too. If that's what he needs and he knows what I need then we are both getting what we need and everybody wins. Just communicate with your husband!

skbiel · August 2010

Piperle:
It seems like he wanted to do something nice for you and you just shot him down. True, you don't get thank you's for everything you do on a daily basis, but do you thank him for getting up and going to work everyday? No. So if you did something for him that he usually does wouldn't you expect some kind of thank you? I know pregnancy makes us very sensitive and emotional, but just take a big breath and when he gets home from work today, thank him for everything he does to make your family work and it will all be okay.

I don't need a thank you for cooking, cleaning and taking care of our daughter, but I need a "wow, you look great!" every time I put on make up and do my hair, so I figure I can stroke his ego if he does something too. If that's what he needs and he knows what I need then we are both getting what we need and everybody wins. Just communicate with your husband!

This precisely!

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