- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Stay at Home Moms
What do you wish you had known?
I'm pregnant with our first, due in February, and I'll be staying at home. I know it will be a lot of work but I'm really looking forward to raising our LO. None of my friends/family have kids yet and my mom didn't stay home so I feel like I have no idea what to expect. DH and I have already discussed our expectations as far as housework, cooking, and time with LO/time alone after he gets home from work. I would love to hear any tips or advice that you can share with me. Thanks!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: What do you wish you had known?
What I wish I had known or fully accepted is that it changes a lot. Week to week in the beginning, month to month during the first year, etc.
There were months where I was super housewife and super mom and other months where it was a full time job keeping DD safe, happy, and healthy - like the beginning of crawling and walking - when they are curious, have new freedom and control, yet poor motor control and no concept of right/wrong or safe/dangerous.
For me, the balance is hard to keep and requires frequent reassessments and varying levels of help at various times from DH. Luckily he gets that as well and is more than willing to help.
And I knew I would love having a baby, but had no idea how much. It is really swell.
I don't have anything specific to being a SAHM, but here is some new mom advice:
Breastfeeding is hard. People make it seem like it is easy and natural, and it may be natural, but the first 2 weeks are painful and difficult. Then it gets easier.
Unless you are very exceptional, you will constantly wonder if your baby is getting enough milk. If (s)he is growing and peeing, the (s)he's getting enough milk.
Get something to carry your baby hands-free. A snugli, moby, bjorn, ergo...whatever floats your boat. Most infants will nap in these, allowing you to go shopping, take a walk, go to the movies, whatever you want to do.
Practice saying "we are doing what is best for our family." You are probably just starting to show, but people (even strangers) will ask you all sorts of intrusive questions including: SAH vs. working, natural childbirth vs. epidural, breastfeeding, when you will have more children, why your baby doesn't have socks on, etc. And they all have their opinions.
Get outside every day. Even if you just sit in the backyard.
It is completely fine to sleep with the baby in your bed even if you don't plan on co-sleeping over the long term. Sometimes you just need some sleep.
Sometimes you will be angry with your infant. It seems irrational, but if someone depends on you for all of their needs then doesn't tell you what they are except to scream loudly that they need "something" and you are exhausted, hormonal, and covered in spit-up, then well, sometimes for a brief second, that can be annoying.
When you plan things while pregnant, the exact opposite will happen once your child is here. Really, you can't plan anything, so depending on your dh's expectations that he has now before the child is here, he may need to readjust.
Elliot was not going to sleep in our room, he did for 8 weeks (would have been longer but he's a noisy sleeper)
There was no way my child would have been formula fed, he was because I failed at breastfeeding.
I was going to have this perfect birth with the help of awesome drugs, I didn't. His birth sucked.
Colic.
I could go on but I'll stop being a Debbie Downer.
I wish someone had told me that once that kid comes out, it isn't all angels singing and an instantaneous bond for everyone. I felt like the worst mom ever because I didn't have the overwhelming sense of love when DS was born. For some people it takes time to get there
The first 3 months with your first child are SO hard emotionally. Just remember whatever you are feeling is normal, but don't keep it inside, talk to people - your H, your mom, and especially your doctor
GL!
DS 3.12.08
DD 7.11.09
DD 8.01.13
Some days nothing gets done as far as house work.
Make sure to sit back and let yourself enjoy the newborn days. They grow up way too fast. With DS #1 I tried too hard to be super mom/wife and I really didn't get to enjoy the little things.
There are hard things in every stage.
This.
This! I wish someone had told me this before DD was born.
I felt the same way. Of course I loved my child intellectually, but the strong emotional bond took a while to grow. Just because you give birth to them doesn't mean you instantly will adjust to having this new person in your life 24/7.
This. And also... There are women out there that look like Super Mom, but they are few and far between. Do the best that you can, and don't compare yourself to other people. Rememberr holding that baby is way more important than getting the laundry done. They don't like to cuddle forever.
Well, I don't wish I knew it, because I did know it, but it made all the difference.
A) Making friends with people the age of your children will save your sanity. I think I put less effort into dating, but it has paid off 10 fold and I love my "mom" friends.
I wish I had known it was okay that I couldn't EBF. But, to that end, I might have hired a post-partum doula once breastfeeding became so hard (showers every 2 hours to unblock my ducts, then pumping to try to get my supply going). The exhaustion of it all definitely didn't work to my advantage, and someone to do "everything else" might have saved me money on formula in the long run.
Also, I would have been clear with my parents and my MIL that visiting to chat and eat my meals was NOT so great for me. I really needed them to do my laundry! I finally told my parents they were exhausting me (they can talk for hours), and they helped out more. So be clear with your loved ones what you need from them.
I would have joined a mom's group right away. Few of my friends had babies at that point. I could have benefited from hanging out with women who really understood the stressfulness of new motherhood (I didn't know about The Bump then either).
All this long-windedness it to say: Dont be afraid to ask for help!
I don't think they are bummer responses. Realistic ones. Don't you think? I mean sure its easy for us- we have 2 yrs SAH under our belts. She asked for what we wished we knew- peeps are chiming in- all pretty valid pts at some stage of the 'SAH game' or another.
SOOO true about the 'baby in a bucket' ~ life was so easy with the infant carrier. lol.
Hmm- what did i wish i knew- I wish i knew that things in the beginning (while HARD in itself)- <<<looking back in retrospect>>> was easier than when baby got older. Everyone always tells you- ENJOY the beginning, they grow up so fast. And ya know what. THEY DO!!! Don't try to be super mom- she doesn't exist. Take time for yourself. Don't feel guilty that you aren't giving 100% to your baby 100% of the time. Bonding with baby- can happen while reading to baby aloud one of YOUR magazines/books while they are very young- (point being- get 'you' things in during the day- even if its reading a magazine to your baby- you DONT HAVE to read a baby board book 24/7 to baby). Enjoy that while it lasts- because it doesn't last long.
I am SO GLAD I asked! These responses have been honest and thoughtful and I really appreciate all of them. Hearing about the hard/stressful things helps because there is so much to worry about and it's good to know that other people have gone through it. It's good to know that it's ok for things to be hard. I'm definitely going to save these tips/advice, thanks again.
I wasn't stupid, I knew that newborns require constant care and attention and that the housework/cooking would take a back-burner. But I really had no idea how much I would be stuck in the house.
We are living in Georgia, where we've had a heat advisory every day for almost a month. So going on walks isn't really a good idea (it's still 90 degrees after the sun goes down)... and LO screams bloody murder when she's in the car seat...
Thankfully Autumn is on its way....
How stupid I was... lol I couldn't wait to have DS and be done with work. I wasn't prepared with how lonely I would be once that happened. Most of our/my friends don't have kids and those that do have toddlers or older. And I have no family here. When I see people who have their parents or siblings around (even if they are complaining about them) I'm insanely jealous. I can't wait for October because we have visitors for 2 weeks.
So finding a Mom's group now is a great idea, as a pp said. They seem to fill quickly and have waiting lists (ugh).
That my relationship with DH would change, in some ways for the good and others for the bad.
That babies need so little. Our house is bursting with all kinds of stuff. A PNP that he doesn't sleep in, a swing he hates, 2 different jumpers/entertainers that he can't use for months, and a beautiful and expensive nursery that we only use to change diapers and rock DS in. We shoudl have invested in more clothes instead, as our little monster is outgrowing everything.
To enjoy showers and brushing your teeth now. Sometimes it's evening/night and I realize I have done neither. lol
I wish I had known about *good* hands-free baby carriers. Ergos, Mei Tais, Mobys, Woven Wraps, Ring Slings, etc. I LOVE them and wish I had learned about them from day one. I wish I had researched them to get ideas about what I might like when I was pregnant, put money into my budget for three or four of them (to be used during the first year and beyond) and bought my first one when DD was about two weeks old.
I also wish I had researched how to bedshare safely (even though I didn't expect to have baby in bed with me) before I realized that it was something that we needed to do.
I wish I had figured out some kind of help during the first month when DH was on the night shift. My mom and DH were both super helpful, but DH worked two nights a week and mom worked three or four. Unfortunately, they worked the same nights and those were the nights that DD would decide that she simply was not going to sleep. At. All.
What everyone said is so true! I had quit teaching right before having DD and was very excited to be a SAHM.
Being angry at an infant can happen. DD had colic, severe reflux, jaundice until almost 8 weeks (breastfeeding jaundice...it is rare but happens), it was winter, H1N1 scare was a "pandemic." There were days where she wouldn't stop crying for hours, I hadn't left the house for days, I was hormonal, recovering from childbirth (tear and hemorrhoids) and just didn't expect my situation.
I wish I had known how lonely it is. Joining a moms group really helped but that wasn't until she was almost 4 months old. There are weeks when I literally count down the hours until the playgroup. I was told "go out once a day for your sanity" and it does help but even then you don't talk to strangers so you still feel lonely.
My brain feels like complete mush. Before I was a researcher, teaching, publishing, talking to people with the same level of education as myself, and now I sing sesame street songs and listen to old mac donald 100x a day. Being a SAHM is a beautiful thing but sometimes I feel like all my education is wasting away but DH is still paying for the student loans.
lastly, just expect the unexpected. Schedules change, what you had planned never goes as planned, and don't stress out over the little things!