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Blended Families
Joint Custody..
When my ex husband and I split we originally had the kids on an every other week custody schedule. Then he had issues with keeping a job and some other things so when it came time for our court date I took custody. So, for some time now we have had avery typical set up where he has them every other weekend, Wednesdays, alternating Holidays, etc.
Well, my ex husband is a very good father and has had his life on track for a while now (when I say on track I don't mean he had done drugs or anything, please don't think that). So, he started to ask about going back to the every other week arrangement (Sunday to Sunday). This was nothing new. He had asked before.
So, my Fiance and I talked it out and we thought that it was the right thing to do. I love my kids with all my heart and it makes me sick to think about not seeing them all the time, but that very pain is what makes me think that this is what should be done. Because their Dad is feeling that.
My kids are 6 and 3. They love their Dad very much.. very much. The plan is for my ex husband to have his own place (he lives at his Mom's right now due to job issues in teh past) and being his half of daycare for at least a few months so that he can prove to me that he can afford it.
This is the plan and we aren't going to change our minds unless something drastic were to happen. Although, I did want your opinions on this. My Dad's girlfriend told me she wasn't going to comment on our decision because I knew how she felt about stability and how important it is to have the kids be in one place. I know her opinions because I had talked to her and my Dad when I was originally thinking about taking custody.
I do see her side and her thoughts but I also can feel the pain that my ex feels by not having them around and I don't think that anyone that is fit and loves their children should be kept from them.
Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Joint Custody..
I think it's a HUGE adjustment for kids so young so you have to be careful. For starters, make sure they have their own stuff and place. It's doesn't have to be super spectacular but it should be theirs. They really should have their own stuff at both houses, sets of clothes, toothbrushes, toys, etc. If you need to send things over there for him to keep there, that's fine But they aren't having a sleeping over. It's their home. To establish a routine and stability, there should be a place for them.
Secondly, I wouldn't jump headlong into week on, week off, especially as I'm going to guess the three year old isn't that long from the potty training phrase. Be prepared for regression on that. You might get lucky but it's something to be aware of.
If it were me, I would go Wednesday after daycare to Saturday at whatever you consider midday. If you have the kids that Weds, you should drop them off, he picks them up and vice versa. You could even tie something on their bag/backpack, give them a special stuffed animal that only goes on days when the other parent is picking them up.
If that works, then you can graduated completely to week on/of. This way, all of you get the chance to adjust. And bonus to you, you get to see how consistant he will be. And if he can make a space for them at his mom's house, then I probably wouldn't want until his mama is a crackpot.
It's not hard to make space for a kid though. What he needs it beds for them, a rubbermaid drawer set a piece, and a bucket for their toys. If that's possible, go for it.
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FWIW, I think if mom's and dad's are mentally, financially, and emotionally stable, and divorced, they should aim for 50/50 custody if their situations allow for it. I think that's best for the kids and fair to both parents.
Hindsight-- Your tips are fantastic and I couldn't agree more. He is moving into his own place at the end of this month. He had his own place before but he was with someone at the time so when they split he couldn't afford the house they had together. Then the job went. My point though, is that since they have lived with him before he has beds for them, their own dressers, etc. When we split years ago we split the toys down the middle so he has all of those plus things from birthdays and random other things I'm sure. He also offered for me to come see the house once he is moved in. That made me feel better too. I think moving slow might be good and I think talking to them about it first might be good as well.
Hereonceagain-- You almost made me cry tears of joy and relief. This has been such a hard thing for me to do. Then when my Dad's girlfriend (practically step mom because they have been together for so long) had such a negative thing to say... it made me question what I had originally thought to be the best choice. It made me feel like I was a bad Mom for even considering it.
I really appreciate your posts. Thank you.
Hind gave great advice. I think that you need to explain to him that this transition needs to be slow, maybe add an extra day every month or something similar, to make sure that they are adjusting and that it is really best for them. Let him know that you really think it is best for the kids to see each of you equally but that you all need to make sure that it works for them. And see the place before you start things just to make sure it is what you expect as far as meeting the kids needs.
And yes, you are a wonderful mother putting aside your own feelings for your kids...not for your ex but for them!