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New Here : / Kinda Long...Few ?'s
I'm really upset to have to be joining you all. (not that you all don't seem wonderful from reading the posts) I'm 24 and recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, who is such a little blessing in my life. Her father, however is a totally different story.
Before I got pregnant, I was a a bit of a partier. I drank, I smoked, I did a lot of things I shouldn't have been doing. HOWEVER, that all changed THE DAY I found out I was pregnant. He continued to drink and to "party" the ENTIRE time I was pregnant, leaving me home alone most nights while he went out to do so. He would get drunk and be really verbally abusive. So, I finally put my foot down and told him it was US or the drinking. He REPEATEDLY chose the drinking...until she was born.
He did good for a few weeks, but has recently been slipping up again. He gets drunk to the point that he blacks out and doesn't remember anything. More recently, he has been talking about how much he hates his life and himself and actually told me that he has considered suicide. He also has been flying into a rage over the littlest things (Sober, mind you.). I let him see our daughter, but it's to the point where I won't leave him alone with her...and honestly, don't really want him around her period. He's unstable. I want for him to get help, and if he does, that's a whole different story..But my feeling is that he has no business being around an infant in the mindstate he's in.
So...my questions for you ladies are... What would he have to do to get visitation of my daughter? She has MY last name, and he's not on the birth certificate. What can I do to keep it from happening? ...I'm also wondering what experiences (if any) you all have had with Ex's and this type of situation? It makes me sick to think of him alone with her.
Thanks for listening.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: New Here : / Kinda Long...Few ?'s
Unfortunately, if he wants to take you to court to establish paternity, custody, and visitation, he can. BUT, seeing as how this guy seems to be a danger to your child, there are a few things you can do.
1. Document everything he says about suicide or any threats he makes. By this, I mean save text messages, record phone conversations, etc. Basically, what you're doing here is avoiding the he-said-she-said ordeal. You will have proof in court. Be discreet about it and do not let him know you're recording him...no matter how pissed off you may be.
2. Find an attorney who specializes in family law and present him with the documentation.
3. Before he takes YOU to court, file a motion and take him to court. Trust me, it looks better on your end that you're trying to establish paternity for your daughter's sake. If he has to take you to court, he will say that you refuse to let him see the baby and he will claim that he's done so much to try to be involved, etc. That doesn't look good on your end.
4. Let's say he does get visitation, look into the no-cohabitation clause and also tell your attorney you want supervised, gradual visitation. Each judge is different regarding how visitation is handled with a newborn, but a small baby shouldn't be traveling around and being away from his/her mother and into the hands of an absent-minded, drunken, mentally unstable dad.
As far as the last name goes, you might be able to keep it the way you want it. It depends on the judge handling the case. If he insists that it be his last name, you can either refuse totally or negotiate a hyphened last name to play it safe. I personally do not agree with a child having the father's last name "just because he is the dad" (especially a deadbeat dad). It's like ignoring the 9 months of hard work and care the woman put in and this deadbeat comes along and wants to have his last name carry out? Uh, no. BUT, some judges are very traditional and want the babies to carry the father's last name.
Hope this helps!
I've been in your position before with my DD. It's so stressful and mentally draining, but if you're prepared, you can unload all this documentation right there in court and he'll be completely shocked and probably won't have any backup plans. My ex tried to play poor, pitiful, single dad and it didn't work because I saved every threat and him saying that DD wasn't his and he wasn't giving me a dime. In court, he tried to say I refused to let him see her. The judge believed me over him because I saved those texts and it made him look bad.
It'll all be over eventually, and you can put this behind you. Just remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Taking things day by day helped me the most.
My EX-H was/is an alcoholic. I told him things had to change or I would do what was best for DD, even is that meant leaving. He did nothing to even try to change so I left. DD was not even 6 months old. When I filed the divorce papers I included EVERYTHING he had said and done (I had pictures to back up my story). EX went to far to tell me that I was "mean and harsh" in the papers. I told him that it was terrible, but the worst part is that it was all true.
I was VERY, VERY LUCKY. EX didn't fight me for anything and agreed to supervised visitation. If he wouldn't have I would haev had to prove my case with the info in my divorce petition.
I understand that you are hoping that it won't come to you splitting up, but you have to remember that he didn't get like this overnight and he won't change that fast either. Also, he has to think there is a problem to change. Mine didn't and still doesn't.
Also, it was MUCH easier for me to take care of one child instead of 2. DD really bloomed when we left. Even though she was young, I think she could sense the tension in the house.
You are SO dead on with this. He is more difficult to deal with than a baby!