I'm a drama mama I guess. Long

jaysgirljulie · August 2010

I'm wondering if I'm being overprotective and a drama maker. Here is the story..

Thursday I was out of town for work and DH dropped LO off at daycare and then went to work. He ended up having some car trouble, thank goodness he was already at work. He couldn't get off work early to try and fix the car. To make it to daycare on time, he has to leave as soon as he gets off so he called his aunt to pick up LO from daycare.

She really helped us by picking him up. She picked him up early and took him swimming and then fed him a little potatoe. I'm soooo pissed!

We do take Ryan swimming but I'm not comfortable with him going without us. Also, I've heard from some of the family (who all have a HUGE gossip problem) to never go swimming in that aunts pool because they let their 4 year old poop in there. I don't know if that's true or not (they are a little weird so it could be true I guess) but either way I think she should not have taken him without asking! Also, he was just getting over a cold and now he is sicker than he was before. It could have been that daycare reinfected him or it could be that being in the pool make him sick again?

And feeding him potato- He had plenty of pumped bm. She fed him that for her own entertainment. I had just fed him his first real food a few days before (avocado) and I wanted to wait a week before introducing anything else. Also, DH has not even got to feed him real food yet.

She didn't ask me or DH if she could do those things and when she told DH, he was irritated but didn't say anything. Now if he does tell her how he feels, she will think he's just mad because I'm mad.

We had problems with the other aunt who lives here too and DH decided to cut her out of our lives because she's awlful- a liar, gossip, nothing but negative. She can not shut her mouth about us even though it's been 4 months. At first we were okay w/Ryan being around her at family functions etc but then we decided that she should have no contact with him at all after she was holding Ryan and asked hlim how he got to be so beautiful when he has such an fat, ugly mom and an idiot dad (we were not there).

The aunt who helped us sometimes takes Ryan for the day. We have let her know when she asks for him that he is not to be around the liar aunt. Well liar aunt showed up at her house 'unexpectedly' and played with Ryan for an hour. It's no big deal but we really don't want our child around her and we're mad b/c the aunt let it happen.

Since she was doing us a favor I'm not going to say anything but next time she asks for Ryan I'm going to tell her no and tell her why. She should know that I'm a little protective because I've already talked to her about giving Ryan a bath- she ALWAYS gives him a bath and changes his clothes even if I bath him and dress him in his cutest clothes before she gets him. I told her that we always give Ryan a bath at night as part of his bedtime routine and I don't want his skin dried out by having 2 baths a day. She didn't listen and still gives him a bath every time. I let it go because it's not that big of a deal once in a while that she has him but it still irritates me.

Once I tell her how I feel about what she has been doing, she will get so pissed off and then we will have no one to help us if there is another emergency. I have friends but they travel all the time or are just not kid people.

What should I do, let it go so we have emergency help or say something? Thanks for letting me vent.

redshoegirl · August 2010

I think it depends on whether you want to keep her as an emergency sitter or not. If you do...

The pool thing - does she know that Ryan swims with you guys? If so, I'd cut her slack for that one (assuming it was done safely) since she probably just assumed he'd enjoy it. You can always cheerfully say, "Hey, Ryan hasn't been well lately so if you're thinking of taking him swimming again can you check with us first? You know how sometimes things like a pool can make colds pop up again!"

The food thing I'd definitely bring up - not only because you want solids introduced at the pace you choose, but because older generations did things different. What I mean is that they would introduce potential allergy items (e.g. dairy, peanut butter) much earlier than we do today. You can always lie a little and say that his pediatrician has given you a list of approved solids and when to introduce them so she needs to not give him extra food (sometimes people will obey/believe things if "the doctor said so" vs the parent - annoying but true).

As for the aunt...this is hard because if you say that you don't think it was "unexpected" then you're obviously accusing her of lying. If that's something you don't want to do (and maybe it is, I don't know lol), then you can say, "I know Aunt Liar stopped by without any notice, but as I'm sure you know, we have good reasons for not wanting her around our son. If she stops by 'unexpectedly' again, please call us and we will come get Ryan." [Obviously you have to be willing to do this.]

jaysgirljulie · August 2010

redshoegirl:

I think it depends on whether you want to keep her as an emergency sitter or not. If you do...

The pool thing - does she know that Ryan swims with you guys?

No, she thought it was Ryans first time going swimming.

We don't want her as a emergency contact but we have nobody else.

Also, I tried the "doctor says" thing with her and she said that doctors don't know anything and she she knows best. She even tells my MIL, her much older sister what to do when she's here w/Ryan even though my MIL has helped raise 7 younger brothers & sisters, 2 neices, 4 of her own children & 2 grandkids. The aunt is the youngest child & only has one child of her own.

kinibruin · August 2010

*sigh* old schoolers.

wait so i'm confused, has j spoken to his aunties before? unfortunately, you really have to be careful with telling the old schoolers stuff 'cause if it seems like you're attacking them, even if you're not, they may very well play the martyr "well, if you want it to be that way, then i better not take care of r anymore."

the food thing is ridiculous.

what about giving a list of dos and don'ts? you know how some daycares have those for their kids?

the aunt liar part is a bit tricky. only because then your other auntie gets placed in the middle....

MauiWedding08 · August 2010

yikes, I'm sorry that she is your emergency contact because from what you have written I am not sure I would feel comfortable having her watch my baby. I don't really have any advice, except to say I totally think you are not over reacting.

At first I was going to say swimming was somewhat normal for where you live (although not so much if she thought that was his first time!). But I totally understand why you would want to be the only one that takes him so I think you do need to let her know that you don't plan to let him swim anytime. I doubt I would even let J go swimming at my ILs that have a really nice pool because I always see FIL just dump chemicals in at random and I don't really think he knows what he is doing - so I know how you feel, I'm picky too!!

the food and bath thing are just strange! Does she just have food laying around? I guess try to get through to her - maybe say the dr. wants you to introduce certain foods at certain times because there may be a history of allergy or dietary concerns? I would hate to lie, but I'm not sure anything else would get through to her (not even sure that excuse would either...).

I really don't know what to say about baths - does she even have baby bath stuff at her house? It just seems so odd. My sister loves to help give Jack a bath or watch him swim in his kiddie pool b/c he splashes around and laughs, but I'm pretty certain even she would know not to give him a bath any time she comes over to watch him just because most people should know that is a parent duty... hmmm.

jaysgirljulie · August 2010

kinibruin:

*sigh* old schoolers.

wait so i'm confused, has j spoken to his aunties before? unfortunately, you really have to be careful with telling the old schoolers stuff 'cause if it seems like you're attacking them, even if you're not, they may very well play the martyr "well, if you want it to be that way, then i better not take care of r anymore."

the food thing is ridiculous.

what about giving a list of dos and don'ts? you know how some daycares have those for their kids?

the aunt liar part is a bit tricky. only because then your other auntie gets placed in the middle....

Jay has spoken to the Liar aunt before and like you said, it was kind of like she thought he was attacking her & like 'how dare you question me!' She actually said, "You think you know everything huh? You don't know anything!" All Jay said to her was that he didn't think we should give our 4 week old tea. Also she told him that putting water in breastmilk is a must because it's hot here. He watched her do it and she denies it to this day! While the other aunt does not have a lying problem, she will act the same way if we say anything to her.

Is it rediculous that she gave him food or for me to be upset about it? I guess I am over reacting about that but I can't help that it makes me so pissed. I would never ever take someones 5 month old child swimming and then feed them anything except what I was given to feed them.

jaysgirljulie · August 2010

MauiWedding08:

I really don't know what to say about baths - does she even have baby bath stuff at her house? It just seems so odd.

I think she does have bath stuff but not sure. I think she loves to imagine that Ryan is hers. She tried to have kids for years and she couldn't so they adopted a little girl from the Phillipines. The aunt really wanted a boy but they got a cute little girl, with really dark skin. She is always telling this poor little girl how dark she is and that she is almost like a black person. She always goes crazy over how white Ryans skin is. That is another thing that drives me crazy- it's 2010, who cares about skin color anymore!!!

MauiWedding08 · August 2010

jaysgirljulie:
I think she does have bath stuff but not sure. I think she loves to imagine that Ryan is hers. She tried to have kids for years and she couldn't so they adopted a little girl from the Phillipines. The aunt really wanted a boy but they got a cute little girl, with really dark skin. She is always telling this poor little girl how dark she is and that she is almost like a black person. She always goes crazy over how white Ryans skin is. That is another thing that drives me crazy- it's 2010, who cares about skin color anymore!!!

oh my! all kinds of crazy going on. Now I guess I can wrap my head around all this a little more...

That poor little girl, I can't imagine hearing frequent skin tone comments!

kinibruin · August 2010

yeah. they are old schoolers. the skin thing is actually an economic thing. if you have dark skin in the pinas, you are like a field worker or you do hard labor because you are out in the sun a lot. regardless of if that is true or not, that's the thinking behind that.

the only thing is, they will not change. the old schoolers are set in their ways.so even though it's wrong for them to act that way, we're the ones who have to figure out how to react to them...

as unfortunate as this seems, j will have to put his foot down, regardless of their martyr-roles. if he can have his mom talk to them, then great.

but be careful because they may disappear from your lives while everything is still fresh.

i'm mean. i say good riddance. but i've had my share of those types, and well, i personally would rather limit all contact, even if that means finding another emergency person. i know it's difficult, but you don't want to constantly be put down, feel like your not good enough, feel like an outsider who lacks respect.

of course none of that is true, and it's all them, but they are great at projecting....

i've found something that has helped me and my sister in the past is to say "that's great wonderful insight. i'll think about it." then say "you know, i've thought about it, and i still think i'll do it my way but thank you very much."

i know it's saccharine sweet, but sometimes, they just want to feel like you value their opinion so much. it's all about them anyway.... >=|

can you tell, this hits close to home??? hahahaha

inamra · August 2010

You are definitely not overreacting. When I have the grandparents babysit, I give them a list of instructions and things to do/not do. If J's aunt is going to refuse to follow it, then there are only two routes I can think of: (1) let it go (2) find someone else. I don't think #1 works because I don't think I could just let it go if i were you and it doesnt seem like you're comfortable doing that either. But #2...I think ultimately, if you can find someone else, that would be best. Even if a really good friend may not like kids, I think she should be able to be an emergency contact since emergencies shouldn't happen that often and if they do, I don't see why a good friend wouldnt be there for you guys, even if they may not like kids?). Or rotate between them so if an emergency comes up more than expected, they wont end up with baby duty that often. And maybe take them out for yummy dinner everytime they do it so they hopefully won't mind doing it next time.

I also wouldn't say anything to J's aunt in case you'd ever need her to be backup emergency contact one day...when it comes down to it, J's aunt is still probably better than nobody. But I'd try to find someone as the primary emergency contact and only use J's aunt when absolutely necessary or when everyone else is not available.

That's all I can think of for now...sorry about this situation =( hopefully you're able to find a solution that works for you guys!

jaysgirljulie · August 2010

kinibruin:

yeah. they are old schoolers. the skin thing is actually an economic thing. if you have dark skin in the pinas, you are like a field worker or you do hard labor because you are out in the sun a lot. regardless of if that is true or not, that's the thinking behind that.

the only thing is, they will not change. the old schoolers are set in their ways.so even though it's wrong for them to act that way, we're the ones who have to figure out how to react to them...

as unfortunate as this seems, j will have to put his foot down, regardless of their martyr-roles. if he can have his mom talk to them, then great.

but be careful because they may disappear from your lives while everything is still fresh.

i'm mean. i say good riddance. but i've had my share of those types, and well, i personally would rather limit all contact, even if that means finding another emergency person. i know it's difficult, but you don't want to constantly be put down, feel like your not good enough, feel like an outsider who lacks respect.

of course none of that is true, and it's all them, but they are great at projecting....

i've found something that has helped me and my sister in the past is to say "that's great wonderful insight. i'll think about it." then say "you know, i've thought about it, and i still think i'll do it my way but thank you very much."

i know it's saccharine sweet, but sometimes, they just want to feel like you value their opinion so much. it's all about them anyway.... >=|

can you tell, this hits close to home??? hahahaha

Jenn, sometimes I think you & I have the same family! You know them so well wothout ever meeting them!

I have to give my MIL big kudos- no matter how we disagree on things,she is super respectful of how we choose to parent our child. We were together on Maui on Friday while all this was going on and she said, "You are so lucky u have me for your MIL and not those crazy b*tches I call my sisters!" I couldn't believe she said that! So funny, & so true!

myday1708 · August 2010

inamra:

there are only two routes I can think of: (1) let it go (2) find someone else.

This...

On one hand, you do need to cede some of your control and trust that he'll be OK. On the other hand... It sounds like she is not listening to your requests, and that's a problem -- on the big things. Let the little things go. Stand your ground on the big things. And if she still won't respect your wishes... You do need to find another emergency contact. Period.

redshoegirl · August 2010

OK, after reading all the craziness, I'm going to change my answer to the "let it go or find someone else" option. Personally, I'd go with finding someone else. I know it would be a huge PITA, but I'd do it anyway. Are there any babysitting services in the area where you live? They might be able to provide someone at short notice, and even though they'd be a stranger, at least they'd be vetted by the agency (if it's a good agency, anyway) and respectful of your wishes.

SanHawaii08 · August 2010

you're definitely not a drama mama - and NOT overreacting! I would feel the same exact way - that much be SO frustrating and upsetting Sad

I would probably do what pp said - find someone else if at all possible to be your emergency contact, but not say anything else to the aunt just in case you really need her to help out at some point.

and yay for having a MIL who is supportive of your decisions! ...maybe she could help talk to her sisters? but i wouldn't be surprised either, if that doesn't help at all, and then the aunts start blaming you for MIL talking to them Stick out tongue i've definitely seen my mom and her sisters get into some unspoken competition about well, everything - it's really bizarre and annoying to deal with, even when i'm not involved!

Married2MrWright · August 2010

Chiming in late...

First of all, I am sorry. You have every right to be upset. And I am in the camp of "find another backup sitter" so you're not subjected to their craziness anymore. Right now, they do what they want (disrespect your wishes) because they can...you have no other options but to use them.

So...try to find a back-up babysitter, even if you have to pay that person. Do you have any friends or friends of friends, folks from church, a friend's mom, etc. that might be an option. I know it's tough...I am SO grateful for my mom being here, but we've even talked about having a back-up for her since she's working on building her business and has been traveling some. Right now, I have to take off work to stay with Libby if J has school and my mom has work. So, yeah, we're looking for a back-up plan too.

I dunno if this would be an option for you (and it's one I am not even sure is for me either, my coworker just recommended this to me yesterday...she and her DH live here but have no family nearby to help with her daughter) but here they have drop-off daycares where you just pay by the hour. They're near our malls and hospitals, seemingly so mom or dad can run an errand kid-free.

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mrspresley · August 2010

myday1708:
Let the little things go. Stand your ground on the big things. And if she still won't respect your wishes... You do need to find another emergency contact. Period.

totally agree with this.

while i think you have every right to be upset and you are NOT over reacting, you need to let the smaller things go and stand your ground w/the big things.

i think that while family is convenient for emergencies like this, having someone who respects your wishes as a parent is more important. so, if you have to, find a service or person you can pay if you need to. it's not going to happen often so you won't need to worry about cost. try to talk to other moms in your area and find a reliable babysitter that could pick him up and take care of him in a pinch if something like this happens again.

so sorry you have to deal w/this family drama. i cannot even believe some of the things your aunts say!!

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