If you do NOT spank/hit your child:

Oohlalalala · August 2010

What do you do if you meet a new family, they have you over and they spank, say with a wooden spoon on a 3 year old a few times in a row. WWYD? You can answer how you would react when it happened but also would you still hang out with them?

This happened, I was SOOOO uncomfortable, but it won't be easy to not see them in our situation.

Mama Jan · August 2010

I wouldn't respond if I was there when it happened. I would be uncomfortable and internally pretty upset and I certainly wouldn't be able to watch.

Would I still hang out with them? If it upset me that much, I probably wouldn't hang out with them in a setting where I might see that. But at the same time, I don't *not* hang out with people just because their parenting philosophies are different than mine...

*LrCg* · August 2010

I personally don't have any problem with responsible spanking. We would spank DS when he was @ 1 year old for things that could harm him- like climbing up the stairs or we have a pond at our house so if he would go past a safe point he'd get spanked but it wasn't for any old thing. But once he hit @ 17 months old one time he was frustrated and hit me so we realized that at least for now since he clearly doesn't understand no more spanking (and his "habit" of climbing up the stairs/going to the pond stopped right away when he was younger and we spanked). I'm not going to say that when he's older- say 3, 4, 5 that I wont every spank. Now since we currently don't spank and if I would see someone spanking their child, I would just distract him. However, even if someone is getting in trouble anyways, I always distract him and I say that its not polite to stare and he wouldn't like someone watching him when he was in trouble. I'm sure I do things that my friends may not agree with in my parenting style but it works for us and I'm glad they don't hold it against me, just like I don't hold things against them.

goodtobethelarkster · August 2010

As far as at the time I probably would have been so upset I wouldn't have been able to be there and not say something. Once I'd had the time to calm down I'd probably have to struggle with what, ultimately, I'd do. If knowing whatever it was I knew about the particulars of the situation, I really thought it was abuse rather than alarmingly misguided discipline I'd mention it to the parents as well as people I felt were responsible and influential close to the parents.

I would at the least have to take an extended break from seeing the person who hit their 3 year old with a wooden spoon. I realize that there are a variety of different approaches to discipline but I really, really, really object to any approach that involves hitting toddlers with wooden spoons and would have a lot of difficulty holding my tongue around the child whackers in the future. If I spent more time around them I might be unable to hold my tongue and a lot of unpleasantness might result so it would be in both our best interests to just not hang out even if the refusal to hang out might cause a few raised eyebrows.

ironmommy · August 2010

I would not say anything. I would view it as their parenting choice, and not one I agree with but certainly within their right (although it sounds pretty awful). I'm like this with most parenting issues, though, including people who chose to FF at 9 months, etc.

As for the future ... I guess it would depend a lot on the people and how well I knew them/liked them. We have neighbors that we are close to and they are definitely more of a yelling household and they have a much more agressive parenting style. They don't spank very often (and certainly not w/ a spoon!), but they drag their children with one arm into time-out, which isn't my style. I see it, I don't like it, but it's their house and their kid, so I just let it go.

kada626 · August 2010

Honestly, I would say something like" isn't there a law about hitting your kid with an object? I thought people who spanked are only suppose to spank with a open-hand palm? "

I have withnessed spanking(that's their choice) but if I was to see someone use an object on a kid I would say something. I wouldn't hang out with them as much or at all either because I would of lost a lot of respect for them. It seems like child abuse to me.

steffny · August 2010

I would also say something to the effect " are you aware that spanking with objects is illegal and can be considered child abuse", and tell them that I just wanted to inform them so they never were in a sitiation with law enforcement or CPS.

m_and_m · August 2010

My child doesn't need to see that, and she would be very VERY upset if she did. I would also be upset, and in the moment I would probably mumble some lame-ass excuse about the kids having a bad day (DD would probably be crying and saying something like "Mommy, why did she hit him? Mommy, she hit him! She hurt my feelings!") and hightail it out of there.

I wouldn't spend time with them with DD again, and since the only time DD isn't with me is when I'm at work or DH and I are on a date, well... I probably wouldn't see them again much at all, if ever.

Different parenting philosophies are one thing, but I'm not going to expose my 2.6yo to that kind of disrespectful behaviour towards another child.

howleyshell · August 2010

I don't think I'd be able to have my 2 little one's around that family.

A big part of not spanking for us is also teaching that it's not OK to hit others in general.

I wouldn't want them witnessing that behavior. No doubt they'd be learning to hit if they were around it and witnessed it enough.

I too would be uncomfortable but I try hard not to judge other people's parenting unless the child is in danger. It didn't sound like a beating out of anger but instead an organized discipline method they've chosen.

Not one I'd choose but that's for another post.

kgail11 · August 2010

agree w/the others who say they wouldn't want their kid exposed to that type of thing. It would make me veeery uncomfortable, and I'd probably make up an excuse to hightail it out of there.

I think as far as hanging w/them again, lots of other factors would come into play of course. If it happened AGAIN though, then nope - not worth it to expose DS to that ridiculous behavior.

And, this reminded me, DH told me his mother once threw a spoon at him... which surprises me very little bc MIL is whacko!

lilles · August 2010

I would speak up on behalf of the child and ask the parent to stop hitting the child. I would no longer hang out with them and I would definitely call CPS and report them. Hitting with an implement is illegal and considered abuse. Even if I had to see this family every single day because they were my neighbors the safety of the child ALWAYS comes first and I would not hesitate to report them.

If they did this in front of you who knows what they could be doing behind closed doors.

momtoRaegan041008 · August 2010

My brother and SIL spank their children, not with a spoon. That's how we were raised. We don't spank, as I don't believe in hitting my child. I don't want my child to hit, so I don't think it's right to contradict myself. I guess unless they are beating their child, there is not much you can do. I always tell my daughter, we don't hit, hitting hurts. I don't hit you, you don't hit me or anyone else.

hj_1235 · August 2010

I wouldn't say anything while I was there, but I probably wouldn't hang out with them again. I wouldn't want DD to ever have to watch another parent hitting their child. I really would like to limit the amount of violence she sees for now and don't want her to think hitting is ok. She may see this parent get mad, hit her child and then think the next time she gets mad with someone she can hit them too.

LaLaSweets · August 2010

momtoRaegan041008:
My brother and SIL spank their children, not with a spoon. That's how we were raised. We don't spank, as I don't believe in hitting my child. I don't want my child to hit, so I don't think it's right to contradict myself. I guess unless they are beating their child, there is not much you can do. I always tell my daughter, we don't hit, hitting hurts. I don't hit you, you don't hit me or anyone else.

This

Pesky · August 2010

I don't mind other people's parenting choices but for major discipline, I'm a firm believer it should take place in private. For example, if I were going to lecture or put my tantrum-throwing toddler in time out, would I do so right in front of the guests? Uh, no, I go elsewhere in the house. So you could say something like "I understand you want to be prompt in disciplining your child but would you mind doing so in another room? It can just be upsetting to DC to watch the discipline process and her friend getting upset and it is easier to explain when the friend is in the next room." but realize that may not be well received so decide whether being uncomfortable every now and again is worth it. When DD was a baby, I oftentimes saw our neighbors swatting the bottoms of one of their kids and yes, uncomfortable, but I said nothing. It's a personal parenting preference and DD wasn't old enough for it to be an issue.

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