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2nd Trimester
NBR(well kind of) Keeping the family together. (long)
Okay, I know this does not really fit here but I am in my 2nd Tri, and I love being here with you ladies and hearing your response. Go ahead and flame if you want, it will do neither of us any good. I am here simply to ask for help. Plus I have never shared my story with you guys :)Here is the story. My DH and I will be married a year in Oct. we have known each other for 8. He is 23 and I am 19 we started dating when I was 17 and junior in HS. When DH was in HS he got a girl pregnant and ended up getting married because of it. He cheated on her, he would talk to girl Of Craigslist, and through the internet. So they ended up separating, when they were separated and starting the divorce process we began dating. It was not your typical relationship, I hid it from m y parents and on my 18th Birthday I moved out. We got an apt. and started planning our wedding, The week I started at an alternative school we got married Oct. 17th! 
. I graduated in 2 months and walked across with my original HS class. In January I got pregnant and couldn't be happier. Well everything kind of started going down hill, and it was not due to the pregnancy. Things just started changing between us. Well about 3 weeks ago I found it he has once again been texting women of the internet, that I could some what deal with but the real blow came when I found it he had slept with his Ex-wife who I really thought I could trust. I left him, but after seeing a huge change in him and really having a heart to heart with God, I decided to give it another try. I am child of divorced parents and I hated it! I always told myself and my DH that i would fight until there was nothing left to keep my marriage together. So I am back home and he has really made a huge change. He even got a second job so that we would be able to have extra money and be more stable. He has stopped cussing, and we always read a scripture before we go to bed. We pray not just before bed, but when things come up. As you can tell we are Christians. My family is furious! They want me to leave him and just break MY family apart, like they did. My mother is just nasty towards him( which I understand). But how much do I put up with, I do not like all of the negativity talking to my mother brings?Has anybody else gone through something similar and decided to take the working it out rode rather the divorce rode? How did you and your spouse work on things? I know you may think I am dumb for going back but that is your opinion and just like I say to my mother, "I respect your opinion" Thank you for barring with my and reading this whole post.
. I graduated in 2 months and walked across with my original HS class. In January I got pregnant and couldn't be happier. Well everything kind of started going down hill, and it was not due to the pregnancy. Things just started changing between us. Well about 3 weeks ago I found it he has once again been texting women of the internet, that I could some what deal with but the real blow came when I found it he had slept with his Ex-wife who I really thought I could trust. I left him, but after seeing a huge change in him and really having a heart to heart with God, I decided to give it another try. I am child of divorced parents and I hated it! I always told myself and my DH that i would fight until there was nothing left to keep my marriage together. So I am back home and he has really made a huge change. He even got a second job so that we would be able to have extra money and be more stable. He has stopped cussing, and we always read a scripture before we go to bed. We pray not just before bed, but when things come up. As you can tell we are Christians. My family is furious! They want me to leave him and just break MY family apart, like they did. My mother is just nasty towards him( which I understand). But how much do I put up with, I do not like all of the negativity talking to my mother brings?Has anybody else gone through something similar and decided to take the working it out rode rather the divorce rode? How did you and your spouse work on things? I know you may think I am dumb for going back but that is your opinion and just like I say to my mother, "I respect your opinion" Thank you for barring with my and reading this whole post. This discussion has been closed.
Re: NBR(well kind of) Keeping the family together. (long)
While keeping the family together is a good idea, you also have to think about the environment you are bringing your child into. If you are constantly fighting or tense with each other, sometimes a divorce is a better way to go. I preferred growing up in a split family because it meant I wasn't subject to my parents fighting all the time, and I got to see them be happy even if it was with another person.
I've been in the same situation where my partner and I had some issues and he was unfaithful. But we were able to work through it and are now happy together. So if working it out is the way you go, make sure its going to make you happy in the long run because theres no point having you lead a miserable life just to keep the family together to try and keep the baby happy.
I grew up with an alcoholic father and parents who fought ALL the time. I spent most days of my youth wishing my parents would divorce because I couldn't stand the fighting and I knew that my mom was not being treated the way she should. The day my mom kicked out my dad tought me one of the most important lessons that I have always carried into relationships. That lesson was that I don't need to put up with being treated like I am worthless, and that I deserve to be treated equally in a relationship. My dad ended up going to rehab and came back a totally different person and never had another drink, so I also believe that people can make lasting changes in their lives.
I see so many women that suffer through terrible relationships "for the sake of the kids", but at the expense of their own self worth. What kind of a lesson does that teach your kids? Does it teach your sons that it's ok for daddies to treat mommies like crap? Does it teach your daughter that mommies just have to put up with being treated badly? I sure think it does, unless your kids are wise enough to recognize that this type of behaviour is not right.
I would say that if he continues on this path he is on, there is a chance that you guys can work it out and be happy. If he goes back to his same old behaviour, I would ask myself "can I put deal with this for the rest of my life" (or even the next year?) If the answer is no, I would get the hell out of there!
Good Luck!
I fall into this line of thinking.
Stupid: are you going to post this WT soap opera on every ruddy board that the Nest has?? Give us a break.
You married a bum -- and one who likes to screw everything in sight. Is this what being a "good Christian" is about?
I see your alternative school did you a lot of good:
Has anybody else gone through something similar and decided to take the working it out rode rather the divorce rode?
Psst...that's ROAD, not RODE. Rode is past tense of RIDE...which is what this bum husband of yours is taking YOU on.
Once a cheater always a cheater. And so help us, you're bringing a kid into that environment.
I think it is admirable that you want to make things work but I think you need to tread very carefully and go very slowly.
Do people change? Sure. Is it easy and does it happen in a matter of months? No. Right now he is trying to win you back and is on his best behavior. The real test is going to be once you are back into a normal routine, the baby is born, and you are both doing the stressful new parent gig.
My advice is to seek professional counseling. It also might be worthwhile for him to get individual counseling to work through his infidelity issues. He is going to be a very young father and will be tested to his limits. He is going to need support in order to not relapse into his old behavior.
Don't be fooled by this good behavior and fall back into your old ways. EVERYONE can fake it for a few months. Whether he can really be with you for the long haul and be a good father and husband is yet to be seen. Be smart.
My family is furious! They want me to leave him and just break MY family apart, like they did. My mother is just nasty towards him( which I understand). But how much do I put up with, I do not like all of the negativity talking to my mother brings?
Waah...pleeeese don't take away my faaaamlyyyyyy....
WHAT FAMILY???? There was never anything here strong enough to build a family UNIT!
SURE your mother is pissed off! Uh, can you see any reason why she wouldn't BE???
This bum screwed anything in sight 6 years ago and his record is intact: he's doing the same NOW. God only knows what you got exposed to and what your unborn child is exposed to. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
If you have any brain at all, you'll end this sham marriage today. Do it and don't look back; hoping you have the sense to put you and your child first.
Getting two teenagers pregnant and cheating on two wives does not sound like very Christian activities to me. You parents are not being negative, they are being realistic. I would find a new church asap, and lean on the pastor/priest for as much help as you two can get for marital counseling. It sound to me like the old church may want him to get back together with his first wife and child.
Good luck. I know this is a hard row to hoe, and I hope that you find the support that you need during this tough time.
Ok first get off your a$$ and get tested for STD's ASAP.
Texting ladies on the internet is NOT ok especially if he's already cheated on another girl who stupidly let him get her pregnant.
Also I have to wonder what your mind frame is to know that the timing is not right for a child, married to a man who has commitment issues and then you get pregnant as well.
So today I would get tested for STD's, go to a clinic, er where ever because if he brought something home you need treatment quickly for the health of your child. After that you need to go alone and speak with your priest about things. Then marriage counseling but this behavior is NOT ok for your husband to do and please stop acting like it is.
This exactly. Especially the last paragraph --- like I said, you're exposing your child to your "husband's" possible STDs.
Are you getting prenatal care at all? I'd not be suprised if you are not. If you aren't START. Go to a clinic at one of the local hospitals. I don't know whether that thing you're married to has health insurance coverage or not.
And above all, don't go to your pastor about your marital and relationship problems. Adultery is a deal breaker: you show him the door and that's that. No 2 ways about it.
That is a little harsh. Things aren't always black and white, especially in marital situations.
Tomorrow is Sunday. After church, take this guy to the pastor and tell him everything you typed in the OP. All of it. If the pastor does anything other than kick him in the a** (verbally or otherwise), you need a new church. I am a Christian and agree that there is nearly always a way to reconcile, but only if BOTH parties are repentant. He shows NO SIGNS of repentance (though he might be sorry he got caught--not the same). Praying and reading the Bible don't make you a Christian. Get away from him for your and your child's sake. IF he has a HUGE change and you go through counseling and the counselor supports it, then maybe MAYBE you could be reconciled. MAYBE.
Forgiveness can come quick, but trust takes time. You can forgive him for you, but he has a long way to go before earning any kind of trust back.
OP, you've been married for less than a year and in that very short time your husband has been sexting girls he met online (and probably much more than that, don't kid yourself) and has cheated on you with his ex. All that you've done about it is brush off some of the cheating, blame the ex for his betrayal, take him back into your home and defend him to your family who had (gasp!) the nerve to question his actions. So what has he learned? That it's okay to cheat on you and that you'll take him back, make excuses for his behaviour and continue to act like a doormat because you'll "fight until there's nothing left" to save this questionable marriage. All he has to do is rub your belly and mouth a few prayers with you. Tell me again why you think he's going to change?
If you choose to live your life like this it's your business, but soon it's not going to be just yourself that you're subjecting to this mess. Please start thinking about what kind of example you're going to set for your child by staying with this man and condoning this crap. It's time to start putting your child first, not the man-child that you married.
Also, please get yourself tested ASAP.
I wish you and your family the very best. Thankfully I have never been in your situation, I would strongly recommend you get into some marital counseling. If money is tight at the moment check out getting some through your church. I saw you mentioned that you were thinking of switching churches, so if you do I would recommend looking into starting counseling at your new church ASAP.
I admire your conviction to keep your family together, if your husband is committed to changing his ways (and you get counseling) this could work. You need to carefully monitor the situation though and think about what kind of environment you will be bringing your child up in. If they see you and your husband fighting all the time and your husband cheating on you it will send the wrong message about what love means. If it is possible to work it out I think you should, but if not show your child that you respect yourself and them too much to stay in a bad situation.
Thank you ladies for all of your support and advice, and thank you to those for putting there 2 cents in. I know you may think I am dumb or stupid but have your opinion about me. I have always been a different from the rest of my age group. I knew I wanted to find one man and marry him, im not a dater. I wanted to start my life early and not wait around and bum off my parents. A poster said that I most have come from a crappy family but that is wrong, my mother and step-father are very well off and I have almost never seen them fight. I truly appreciate each and every ones advise. We will be talking to the elders of our now church as well as conti looking for a new one. My DH has already started a recovery program for his issues, and I will start attending one for mine. I agree with the poster about putting on the good behavior act, and my DH knows if I seen any signs of slipping behavior I will quickly pack my bags. Oh and to the one who said get test, I already have and everything is just fine in that department. Oh and to who ever said im probably not getting medical care, your dumb. Of coarse I am, I have medaical insurance and my health is fine, so thanks for your unreasonable concern.
Once again thank you all for the response. Have a God blessed day.
I married my high school sweetheart. We met at 15, married at 22, and are now 29. So obviously we weren't "daters" and we settled early. (I will add that we waited until we graduated from college to get married and we both now have Master's degrees, good jobs, etc... We also waited a long time before bringing babies into our young marriage).
That being said, not wanting to go out and party, mix, mingle, etc does NOT mean that you need to settle. And staying with a man who is unfaithful is absolutely 100% settling.
And why can't you start your life without a man? Last I checked, it isn't 1930 anymore. You can go to school, get a job, move out on your own, and be a great mother - ALL WITHOUT A MAN. And honestly, a man who behaves like your husband will not advance you in life. He will drag you down.
At least think about this. Even if you do decide that this relationship is worth salvaging (beause I doubt internet strangers are going to convince you otherwise) please get yourself in a place where if you did need to leave - you can. Stash away money every month in a secret place. Start looking at schools so that if you need to you can support your child (with a good pay and health benefits). Work on YOURSELF and get yourself in a place of independence. This is THE BEST thing you can do for your child. I promise.
Just an FYI- AIDS/HIV can take time to show positive on a test. That's why when hospital staff have needle sticks they have to have more than 1 test.
So I would be sure to get tested again.
per www.hivtest.org
How long after a possible exposure should I wait to get tested for HIV?
Most HIV tests are antibody tests that measure the antibodies your body makes against HIV. It can take some time for the immune system to produce enough antibodies for the antibody test to detect and this time period can vary from person to person. This time period is commonly referred to as the ?window period?. Most people will develop detectable antibodies within 2 to 8 weeks (the average is 25 days). Even so, there is a chance that some individuals will take longer to develop detectable antibodies. Therefore, if the initial negative HIV test was conducted within the first 3 months after possible exposure, repeat testing should be considered >3 months after the exposure occurred to account for the possibility of a false-negative result. Ninety seven percent will develop antibodies in the first 3 months following the time of their infection. In very rare cases, it can take up to 6 months to develop antibodies to HIV.
Before your H got his second job you couldn't pay rent, but now that he has a second job you're going to have "plenty left over" for things like counselors? Do you have anything saved for your baby? Or for a rainy day...say for instance when you're H starts cheating on you with women from the internet or his ex-wife....Oh wait. That day is here.
Listen OP, there is something to be said for keeping your family together. However, how do you want your LO to grow up? Do you want your LO to know that a relationship is about love, trust and respect? Because your relationship does not reflect that at all.
It's time to grow up now; even though you are a child yourself, you are about to have a baby and that baby is your priority now.
I say it again...forgiveness =/= trust. It sounds like the family gets this. Just because you forgive him does NOT mean you trust him! He has not shown sufficient repentance and growth to warrant reconciliation.
And while I'm at it, Christian =/= doormat! You do not have to put up with philandering and putting your and your baby's emotional and physical health in danger.
THANK YOU for saying what I was thinking, and couldn't express!
Rochella, women like you give Christians a good name. These idiots congratulating her & acting like 3 weeks of 'good behavior' means they're all set, not so much...