just a vent

tastyburger · August 2010

I don't talk a lot about my plan to birth naturally if medically possible to friends (due to comments and reactions) but I do talk to my mom and sister about it. They are NOT supportive.

My mom tells me that her births were WONDERFUL (until mine, where she did not get any pain meds). She arrived at the hospital in early labor, they gave her a shot/injection of something, and she woke up 24-36 hours later and they told her she had a baby and if it was a boy or a girl. Father was never involved. Heck, SHE wasn't involved.

So I tell her that it actually doesn't sound wonderful at all, and I want more control over my own birth experience. That's when I get a lot of "yeah, right." and "we'll see."s. I say, no, really . . . I have a large support group online full of women who have labored and birthed naturally and those who are planning on it. And I still get, "just wait and see." Last night at dinner I told my mom, 'and THAT is why you aren't being invited to my birth." (I considered it at first because my mom has been a RN for 35 years and worked on many labor/delivery floors--thank GOODNESS I changed my mind early on)

I don't have any questions or anything, but just wanted to vent a little. Could you IMAGINE having birth experiences like my mom? Going in, getting some drug that puts you out enough that you don't even KNOW you've had your baby??? You don't even SEE your baby until hours-maybe a DAY-after you've had it??? And not caring about that??? I just can't imagine.

And it really ticks me off/saddens me that my mom isn't more open to what I want for my OWN birth and even makes disparaging remarks about it. If nothing else, I will be going without the pain meds JUST TO PROVE HER WRONG. I know that's the wrong attitude and I really do have all the right reasons to do it.

Thanks for reading. I'm sure there are others out there that aren't really getting the emotional support from their mom like me, so I thought I'd share in saying that you aren't alone.

Copernicus08 · August 2010

This is exactly why I'm not sharing my birth plan with ANYONE except of course DH. I don't want reactions or snarky commnts from anyone. Heck, honestly, I don't even want anecdotal experience -- good or bad -- about anyone else's birth experience, natural or not.

I'm sorry that you're mom isn't being supportive of your decision. I'm sure she has her reasons to be skeptical, seeing so many women during her days in L&D, but maybe you can hold out hope that she'll come around once it's actually happening. Good luck to you, and stand your ground!

carpozi · August 2010

That's too bad - not sure how old your mom is but my grandma had her births like that - and she doesn't seem to care... that's just the way they did it back then and who is she to argue or feel differently. She thought maybe my aunt had died because

carpozi · August 2010

That's too bad - not sure how old your mom is but my grandma had her births like that - and she doesn't seem to care... that's just the way they did it back then and who is she to argue or feel differently. She thought maybe my aunt had died because she woke up to not baby!

monkeyqueen · August 2010

I totally understand where you're coming from and it sucks when people (especially close to you) aren't supportive. However, it kind of seems like you were putting down her method of birth and that she got defensive (of course, it's just how the third paragraph of your post sounds and most likely not how your actual conversations with your Mom went.....just all I have to go on). Just a thought.

nosoup4u · August 2010

Ah, that does suck. I'm sorry she's a wiener about it - my mom does tend to have the "I feel a certain way about x, therefore everyone feels that way!" about things. And even though she's supportive of my VBAC/going med-free, she still won't be at this baby's birth because she's nuuuuuts when her daughters are in labor (which we've all learned the stressful way). And I totally agree about not being able to imagine being conscious during birth on purpose - aieeee!

OregonMama · August 2010

Sorry your mom is doing that to you. I also had people tell me I was nuts, that drugs were the way to go. It's great that you feel so strongly about it and aren't letting her change your mind.

KateLouise · August 2010

My own Mum is the complete opposite. She is really scathing of drugs. She is also really scathing of any kind of "natural" pain relief like water, massage, walking around etc etc. because she did it completely drug free and on her back the whole time.

So I guess maybe Mums just think that however they did, is the way it's done.

I know you can deliver naturally. I went drug free up until the pushing when I used nitrous oxide. But I went into it being very open to using the gas and not wanting and epi or pethadene so I think it's a mindset.

In hindsight, i think I could have done it without the gas as well, and i didn't do any special prep or natural birth classes or what have you.

Giving birth was one of the most enjoyable experiences of my life. Not to mention the importance of that immediate bonding with your baby. I can't imagine delivering how your Mum did.

brittm87 · August 2010

My mom gave birth to 6 children.. Her first one they put her to sleep like that and she HATED IT! The second time around she made it clear she didnt want that to happen and they did it again! She was so upset that she didnt get to experience giving birth.. The last 4 she gave birth to completely natural and she is a huge supporter of me and my choice to go med free. Besides my husband she is one of my biggest cheerleaders! Im sorry you have to deal with that! Make sure during your labor to surround your self with only people who will cheer you on and support your choice for a natural birth!

Aloe0l · August 2010

My mom (who is a pediatrician even) keeps telling me that "we don't give birth well" - whatever the heck that means. I know she didn't have great experiences with either of us. But, all literature I've read, and even my MWs and OB say that your mother's experience has no bearing on your own. You'd think, being a physician, she'd know this. But, I guess that is just her mom side coming out.

Although, both of us DID come early (not preterm or anything) - which, with this heat, I wouldn't mind if I could inherit that from her.

mejumpmore1 · August 2010

Oh, I am so sorry! Fortunately, my mom and step-mom-in-law were very supportive and both gave birth naturally. My husband was not supportive at first and my MIL was not supportive but constantly would talk about her sections. Once I explained to my husband all the benefits to both baby and mom of going naturally he began to understand. His first reaction was something along the lines of, "you wont be able to do that" and "youre going to want an epidural, I assure you". But after explaining my reasoning he became very supportive and wanted what was best for myself and our baby.

I wish for you that you had more family support! Because even though my family wasn t in the room with us, I knew that with the exception of 1 person I had total support from them. It is empowering to have people believe in you. *I believe in you! You can do it.*

OliveBaby · August 2010

This was how my grandma did it. The whole idea of being knocked out while some doctor removes the baby actually freaks me out.

Thankfully my mom fully supports natural birth. Her own two deliveries were a completely natural home birth with midwives, and a hospital birth with midwives and no pain meds or interventions.

Erin and David · August 2010

I'm so glad you are strong enough to be committed to your own goals while receiving that lack of support from family members!! You are doing a good job! And I agree, it sounds totally scary to just be knocked out and wake up later with a baby!

tastyburger · August 2010

wow, thanks for all your thoughts, everyone!

to the poster that said that I sounded negative about my mom's experience, you are probably right about that. I guess that if I expect her to be open to what I want, I should also be more accepting to what she experienced too. thanks for bringing that to my attention.

my mom is older--72, and was having babies back when they did the "knock out and drag out" procedures. I just wish she had more faith in my ability

also this board is such a wealth of support--I just want to thank everyone for reading my long, rambly vent and taking the time to respond! the encouragement means so much. I can't wait to post my own birth story as encouragement for the mothers that come after me.

PlainandTall · August 2010

My mom had pretty natural births, I know at least 2 homebirths... I was born in a hospital- and two others I'm not sure about... but she told me a story about a woman in the hospital laboring on scopalomine- which is an amnesia drug- it does not relieve the pain AT ALL... it just prevents you from remembering the pain/experience... so this is probably what your mom had if she didn't know if she had the baby- her memory was blank even though she did experience it.

Anyway- the story about this lady is that she was screaming bloody murder- apparently very uninhibited and cursing and VOLUME and it went on for hours and hours...like she was being tortured- the next day my mom saw her in the hall with her baby and inquired about her well being- thinking the lady had been though some severe trauma- and the lady just brushed it off - like, "Oh yes, everything went wonderful- I'm fine, everything was fine!" ... it was traumatic for my mom just to listen to that lady in labor.

As for my mom's support >roll eyes< she has this little mini lecture about the "stormy transition" which was a point in her labor when the space between ctx got so short she didn't have time to recover between them... she felt helpless like a little boat on a big ocean storm when one wave after another would come crashing over the deck... before her first birth I guess she'd read Grantly ***-Reed's "childbirth without fear" book and thought she was prepared- so when she did have pain even though she didn't have fear- she felt very betrayed. I understand and appreciate that was her experience- but even though I'd already given birth naturally twice already- this time around she STILL felt obligated to remind me (as I headed out the door to the hospital) about the stormy transition ahead...as if my positive attitude must have been coming from forgetfulness about how awful labor really is.... thanks for the reminder mom- love ya!

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