MIL in same room while you breastfeed / slight vent

CandyM · October 2008

My in laws are super old school and will be staying with us after the baby is born. theyre coming in from out of state. im dreading just how long they will be with us. My DH thinks it's rude to ask them how long they'll be with us since they will not feel welcome and will be insulted. Not sure if it's an Indian thing or just their thing but it's the reality of this whole damn thing! My MIL suggested the first YEAR but I told DH theres no way, absolutely no way i can do a year with them living with us. She stayed with my SIL for 6 months. Even that would kill me. Sigh.

I was thinking my only escape from her (yes, in my own home) will be while I "have to breastfeed" so i could go into the nursery or my bedroom, close the door and breastfeed or really just lay down with baby while theyre all out there. I ran this by my SIL and she told me that our MIL insisted on being with her when she breastfed and even opened the door after she closed it!!

My mom passed away recently so I dont have her here but I was thinking that if she was with me, i would have zero problem with her being in my room with me while I breastfeed but ... it'd clearly be a double standard for MIL.

Are u ladies ok with anyone other than DH in the same room with u while u breastfeed? Is it reasonable to want to be alone during that time? Can u have different rules for aunts and close girlfriends (letting them in) versus MIL.

i am just dreading this whole thing when i should be excited and more positive bout it. Wish i could *deal* better.....

mrs_ross07 · October 2008

I don't want to BF in front of anyone other than my DH. Maybe you or your husband should talk to her first about it. Does the nursery door have a lock on it? You could always lock her out.

JenF910 · October 2008

I wouldnt really want MIL around when I was BFing - I'd invest in a lock for your bedroom door if she can't respect your boundaries!

Stellasmom · October 2008

My MIL suggested the first YEAR but I told DH theres no way, absolutely no way i can do a year with them living with us. She stayed with my SIL for 6 months. Even that would kill me. Sigh.

Your Dh needs to tell your ILs how long they will be staying....now!

BearsMrs · October 2008

I won't be bf in front of anyone other than DH. In the hospital everyone will have to leave. & once we're home I'll excuse myself to the other room. If she barges in on you be polite but tell her you'd like privacy. Or just lock the door. You need to set boundaries from the beginning regardless of culture (although I do understand it's more difficult b/c of traditional expectations). I also feel for you that you have no expectation of how long she'll be there!

alicatt79 · October 2008

I don't want anyone to be with me when I bf aside from DH. I say that now, but I may change my mind or be so exhausted later on that I quit caring. For now, I'm still a prude!

HarrietNJMommy · October 2008

I'll BF in front of anyone. But, I'm about to BF my 3rd kid. There's no real privacy when you already have 2 kids running around.

hbeemom · October 2008

I'd be stressed about this too. I don't want anyone but DH in the room with me as I'm getting used to BF'ing, but maybe once the baby and I have the hang of it I'll relax a little bit about other people. When my SIL had her baby my mom and I stayed for a few days to help out, but we never would have thought of going into the room while she was BF'ing because we knew she was uncomfortable nursing around anyone else.

JARbaby · October 2008

When MIL opens the door I would say, "Oh I am sorry, I am feeding the baby, we will be back out in a little bit, would you mind shutting the door until we are finished?"

EcoBaby · October 2008

OMG - I would take my baby and run away if my in-laws threatened to stay for 6 months to a year! HOLY CRAP! What a good way to ruin the fun of a new baby.

You can absolutely feed your baby by yourself. Put locks on your doors now if they aren't there already. Get "Do not disturb" signs to hang on the doors. Feeding your baby is the most important thing, and breastfeeding can be hard. The last thing you need is a MIL there.

I am already dreading my in-laws coming to visit, and they will only be here a week or two. My glider will be in my living room though, and I know they will be camped out on the couch watching TV all the time. So I will have to go into my room or the nursery to breastfeed. I am not breastfeeding in front of my in-laws, especially as I'm just trying to figure it all out.

kds24 · October 2008

I would be OK with MIL being in the room, but I'm also planning on using it as my "alone time" when they are staying with us after the baby is here, so I really feel for you. It's not a double standard at all that you'd be OK with your own mother and not your MIL being around while you breastfed, I think people just like to guilt us into believing that. Just take it day by day, that's what I'm telling myself b/c I am also dealing with a cultural difference (Russian, not Indian) and visiting ILs, but they are only here for 3 nights.

tigerlillie101 · October 2008

Yeah, i totally get how you feel.The only people I want to breastfeed around are my husband or my mom. Anything else will creep me out, at least until I get used to it all!

jebs_girl · October 2008

What? 6 months to a year of them staying with you?? Um, NO!

I would also lock the door behind you when you need to breastfeed. I am probably not going to be comfortable breastfeeding with anyone in the room besides my DH at first.

alicatt79 · October 2008

You poor thing! If you lived closer by, I'd say you could come over anytime and have some alone time!! Try to stress to your DH that moms and babies need one on one bonding time. 1 on 1 !!!

bunny_bride04 · October 2008

I don't really care but I am in a pretty open family and have open friends. Our other friends bf regularly in front of DH and I and unless my son gets very distracted I would see no reason why I wouldn't but thats just me.

cooperl788 · October 2008

Besides DH, I would be okay BFing in front of my mom, or my one close aunt, or maybe my BFF (she BFs her baby). But that's about it. I'm having the opposite problem where family is going to be visiting, and they expect me to hide into the nursery whenever I'm going to BF, and I'd like to have the run of the house so I don't have to keep going up and down our flight of stairs to go to the nursery. I would definitely lay some ground rules with DH about having his folks come out. They might be a little offended, but at least you'll keep your sanity!

Good2BdaMommy · October 2008

I want privacy while DD and I are learning to nurse. Once we are experts I'll be less shy about it.

LittleEgypt · October 2008

I wouldn't have a problem with the BF, but I would have a problem with the ILs staying and not respecting boundaries. It sucks that they're so traditional, but for your own sanity you should talk to your DH and tell him how freaked you are about ILs staying at your house for so long. If you can't avoid that, at least set a boundary with MIL. Get a lock for your room if you have to!

MrsGMRMartin · October 2008

I don' t want anyone else in the room or near the room other than DH when I will be breastfeeding. I would like some privacy.

Luzesmeralda · October 2008

I do think that saying you don't feel comfortable breastfeeding in front of anyone but DH will be taken better than saying that you will breastfeed in front of girlfriends, aunts, etc. - but not MIL. The rule maybe should be the same. (Although, if you are hanging out with your BFF separately, she wouldn't KNOW you were nursing necessarily).

Cross-cultural family situations can be hard (especially the VERY long stays).

exhausted_bride · October 2008

I am extremely shy and do not want MIL in the room with me. I know in the hospital she won't leave the room when I BF because she has done that with all the other women in the family and even wants to help teach since she BF-ed four kids. This annoys me. When she "thought" she was staying with us the first week the baby was born, DH called MIL and told her we want time to bond with the family alone and also that I am "already worried about BF and relaxing while BF and don't want to have to go and hide in another room to do it." Hopefully, she got the point. DH knows how I feel about this and will take care of it. I totally understand how you feel.

CandyM · October 2008

Thank u!! I was feeling like such a bad wife and bad daughter in law. Personally, i dont care if theyre insulted - friggin 6 mos or a year is NUTSO. I dont know what's wrong with DH, he babies his parents. It's caused so much fighting btwn us these past few days. He knows how upset I am but just ignores me now b/c he thinks im a nag. He says he'll talk to them but i know he wont.

Example: my shower was last weekend and i had 5 girlfriends from michigan staying with us! i wanted it to be my time with these girls that i havent seen in 2 yrs and DH promised that the in laws would get a hotel. well push came to shove and he never talked to them bout it b/c he felt bad and they didnt have anywhere to stay so 10 minutes before the shower ended he says they have to stay with us and they did. not only were my girlfriends put out but it was so uncomfortable since my in laws parked themselves in the living room watching their TV all day. i didnt get to catch up with them properly and had to cater to them for food etc...I feel like i cant rely on DH now....so i told him that i will give the in laws 1 month and if he doesnt say something after that, I will have to be the one to say something and then we will all have issues and i promised him it will be hell living in this house for anyone (esp me) !

so horrible to say.. but i am dreading having this baby b/c of this tension. i wish i was peppier a person to have a more positive attitude and think that i'll make the most of it but i feel like it's this pending doom.

I'm getting locks for the doors this weekend and am gonna have to get clever to work on DH.

ErinNConnorsMom · October 2008

For my first baby, I was a bit picky about who I bf'd in front of, but by the time I was bf'ing the 2nd, my mil had to remind me to cover up when my fil was coming in the room. I'm sorry you have to deal w/ the family drama : (. I love my in laws and all, but a weekend is enough for me!!

j.marie · October 2008

i think it will be fine.. just get one of those kick ass nursing covers. i've never breastfed, but i would think that family would be ok nursing in front of them. i'm not close to my motherinlaw either but, she is a women too and has seen boobs so im ok with it.

MrsCole · October 2008

I'm totally fine with breastfeeding in front of anyone who may be at my house because it will all be family. It just not a big deal to me.

That said, I think its CRAZY that your MIL is coming to stay with no definite time to leave. My DH would be sleeping on the couch until he at least knew what she was planning on so we could discuss it.

MrsJA · October 2008

The only person I would bf directly in front of is DH. I'd have my Mom in the room if I'm wearing my nursing cover and possibly MIL.

However I'd have a huge issue with ANYONE who would just barge into a room after I had shut the door.

busygal · October 2008

Re the in-laws coming to stay with you for an extended, extended visit, yes that is an Indian thing from what I have heard from my indian friends. And so is your husband's inability to say no to them in any way. Are you not Indian yourself (just asking, it's not obvious from your pic)?

I agree that it will be hard to shut her out if you're letting friends etc. in, Not that I don't think you're entitled to do it, just that I think it will be tough for you to pull it off if she's that pushy.

Good luck, you've got a tough situation ahead. They don't live in India do they? If they live in the US it will be much easier to send them home when you get sick of them...

gilmoremama · October 2008

Everyone is different in their comfort level with BF. My SIL would whip them out anywhere. I will be more reserved and only my DH in the room until I can conquer the whole latch/blanket move.

There's no way I would tolerate ANY parent (my own or my husbands) living with us for 6-12 months just to "experience" the baby. Your husband needs to support you and your child and set some boundaries with his parents.

CandyM · October 2008

Yup I'm 100% Indian also. Just really fair skinned. I know it's an Indian thing with the inlaws but my DH's shyness about it is pissing me off. We were both raised here and theyve got to realize that. Argh! I'm getting more irritated at him!! Maybe I'll just be grouchy the whole time theyre here and they will get the hint, altho I will likely get blamed for something. grr.

MommaSandor24 · October 2008

You poor thing. You definitely need to set your boundaries now, not after they are already there. I would give them 2-3 weeks and if they don't like it, then they don't have to stay at all. You need your own time with DH and baby, raising and doing things the way you want to do them. Culture, tradition, whatever...it's not your tradition and you are the one having the baby, so what you say goes. Unfortunately, we are staying with my in laws right now, and we've had issues with my MIL, but DH has spoken up about our boundaries. Nobody will be in the room with me when I bf except DH. (and he's happy about that) It's one thing if you're in a room bf'ing and someone needs to come in to get something, but to just follow you into the room to stare at you while you're doing it is irritating. Get locks for the doors now and make sure that you are clear with DH and the in laws with what you want for yourself. There is absolutely no reason that you need to be miserable just to please them. This is your happy time. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

sc5mu92 · October 2008

All I can say is that I am SO happy I'm not you right now. I would absolutely be dreading the birth of my own child if I knew it meant that anyone would be staying for that long - and that's so sad to say because it should be the happiest time in your life. Your DH absolutely needs to step up and say something. I would be irate! Call me rude but this would not fly in my house.

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