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need advice WWYD, no flames please (RE:cat)
So a couple weeks ago on FFFC I posted about our cat. Things are getting worse and we have tried everything. We have decided to put him down.
my problem is I dont know how to explain to Eli what is going on and why Jet wont be coming home again. Death and dying is way above his head. I dont want to say Jet was sick, becuase next time Eli gets sick he may worry he doesnt come home from the doctor. We are not taking Eli with us when we put him down cause I dont want him to see it either.
So WWYD?
Dawn - Wife of Brian 09/25/2005 - Mother of Eli Jace 03/12/2007 and Kai Evan 10/17/08
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Re: need advice WWYD, no flames please (RE:cat)
Oh that is so tough, I'm sorry Dawn....
When I was younger and we had to have our cat put down, my Mom didn't tell us about it until afterwards. She told us that Chester wasn't feeling well so she took him to the cat doctor. While there, the doctor said Chester wasn't himself, didn't feel good, and couldn't be the kitty he wanted to be. So she then went and played with him in the grass a bit, hugged him, apologized to him, then was there petting him as he was being put down.
I know it's a little bit different, but she explained everything in terms that I could understand. I found out when I was older that Chester actually had a brain tumor. I hope you get better advice as I'm not sure mine is the best. Hugs though!
I'm so sorry, I know you didn't make this choice lightly.
The PP tactic sounds like it might be a good way. There's a book I've heard of that's supposed to help, let me see if I can remember it.
https://www.pet-loss.net/children.shtml
https://childrensbooks.about.com/od/themesubjectbooksby/tp/petdeath.htm
I think the book Goodbye, Mousie in the above link is the one I've heard of before.
I'm so sorry, Dawn.
I agree with ck about not saying anything until after the fact. It may be easier for Eli to understand that Jet wasn't feeling well and is now with other kitties playing in catnip and chasing bunnies.
Unable to even.
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We told Cruz that his fish went to Heaven because God needed him there. We told himthe same thing when my horse died. We told him it was ok to cry or feel sad and miss them for a little while but they were in a better place now. We aren't very religious people but it seemed like a good way to explain things.
So sorry Dawn! Not an easy thing to do.
Couldn't you just say he ran away? Or you could say that since the cat was having trouble with peeing and all that you brought the cat to a nice farm to live where he wouldn't get in trouble for peeing on things?
I dont' think I'd try to tell a kid the truth... it's just too hard. And there's nothing to be gained from knowing the truth.
I'm torn for you. I may be making this choice in the next year or so as well with my older maine *** cat who urinates on furniture.and I have NO idea how I would tell my kids.
There's a part of me that says that you could tell him that you took the cat to a new home where they're going to love him, but then you're lying to him. Lying to protect him, but still.
And the part of me that's unsure about lying to your kids says that you tell him the truth that he is in a happier place with God or whoever you want to say.
Please keep us updated. I know how hard this must be for you and I am interested to see how you and your family handle it.
Hannah has been asking lots of questions about death, so he may be more ready than you realize. When she's asked about my dad, I just tell her the got really sick, and died. (He had cancer.) I always make sure to tell her that it's nothing she can catch. She also asks about the cat we had that died with she was a little over 1. I also tell her that he got sick and died and that he's buried in the ground outside the living room window. She never seems to be bothered by it.
I think I'm more of a believer in honestly is the best policy at any age.
Personally, I think you should tell the truth - but only as much as he can handle. I would tell him that Chester is sick and going to the Doctor. Then, when you come home without him - say that Chester was too sick and his body just stopped working.
I would say that he died and (avoid saying he was "put to sleep" obviously) and if he asks where his body went I would have an open discussion about what happens when you die, where does Eli think he went? About how people and animals live on in our memories etc. I know that is not what everyone would do but...
Then I would have Eli make a book of his favorite things about Chester or something to channel his sadness.
One thought about lying...when I was 16 and found out my favorite goat had died when I was a kid and not been given away like I was told, I was actually pretty upset. More than I thought I would be for something that had happened years earlier. I think my parents were surprised I remembered the story they told me, but my pets were important to me.
I would do what you think he's able to understand; I wouldn't judge you either way. Good luck and hugs.
I don't know if he would be old enough to understand this, but this poem is a good way to help kids say goodbye to family pets.
We put my dog down earlier this year. Walter knew he was sick and we made frequent trips to the vet. I was worried Walter would associate the doctor or getting sick with dying and never want to go to the doctor again so we talked about exactly what PP said; He was very sick and his body could no longer take care of him and he died.
Just this week though he started saying I have a doggie, and his name is casey and he's at the doctor but he'll be home later. So what we told him clearly didn't sink in. It kinda breaks my heart so we haven't talked about it yet but we are going to talk about it this weekend when go look at new/replacement dogs