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Blended Families
Banana44
member
Daily Phone Calls
Banana44
member
My SS is 7. DH and BM have been seperate since he was 2. Since DH won 50% custody last October, BM has been calling every night. Days she sees him in the morning, days she saw him at baseball - no matter, she calls every night now. This also includes our vacation.
Now, I understand having reasonable phone time with your child, and I can understand saying good night every night if you have always done that. But, I think that the nightly calls are intrusive on the other parents time. What do you think? Also, she interogates every night "where have you been, who was there, what time did Dad get home from work, what did you eat, how many people came over" it goes on forever.
Is this something we should just keep putting up with, or, since we have a court date in September, should we bring it up? Do you think judges favor nightly calling?
Also - the longest he is away from BM is 5 days. we have 2 days one week then 5 days the next. DH only calls SS if something importnat happened (Dr. appointment, big day at school) or in the middle of the 5 day stint.
Let me know what you think.
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Re: Daily Phone Calls
I think your H should call SS more than once every 5 days.
That being said, the interrogations are a bit much. But thats between her and SS.?
The daily phone calls aren't as odd as drilling him about what's going on at your house. I'd have more of a problem with the latter than the former.
Maybe your H should ask her why she's so interested in what's going on at your home. When I had to take my "how not to suck at single parenting" class after my divorce, they specifically talked about how you shouldn't have the child report back about what's going on at one house or the other.
He doesn't call once every 5 days - he calls once during BM's 5 day. So he drops him Friday morning, usually calls Sunday evening, and then gets him Wednesday morning. If something is going on, he calls, like doctos or big day at school. And we also see him on a weekend day during more than half the year for sports. And honestly, DH usually talks to SS for over 10 minutes when he calls - the BM calls average 2 - 3 minutes according to our cell phones. I think that SS enjoys having a day or 2 to talk to his Dad about.
We are concerned about the interrogations, but there is not alot we can do about it. Since I am a child of divorce, I know that he'll just start not telling her things, or lying. He already tells her "I have to go" (which is usually not true) or you hear him say "I don't know" about 20 times. She is interrogating him because she has been trying to have 50% custody removed since it was awarded. We will be going to court for the 3rd time in 10 months in September.
He has also made comments when we say "Mom's on the phone" like "tell her I'm busy" or "I just talked to her".
I do get calling every night to say goodnight - I don't get only doing it around court dates or custody orders. We've left it alone up until now, so we'll probably leave it alone until it dies down (about every 3 months it will become inconsistent and then after a few weeks it will pick up again).
I just wanted to see how many bio-parents are calling every night and how many parents are interrogating instead of talking to the kids.
I think it sucks that she puts him in that position. AND that she's oblivious to the signs that it makes him uncomfortable.
To answer your question, I call roughly every other day when DS is gone. If he's just gone one night, I don't call. But if it's two nights or longer, I call about every other day.
ExH calls once every 10 days or so. And sees DS every 2-3 months.
I always call my dd when she is with her Dad, even if I dropped her off at school or the babysitter in the morning. My exh does the same, always calls every night. We usually call at the same time each night, as we know dinner is over..etc. We keep the conversation simple. How was your day...etc.
I say if it is an issue, maybe step away when he talks to his mom, that way if you don't hear what she is asking, it won't bug you.
An issue I had with my dh's ex is her texting or calling past 10 pm, and we asked her to stop. She did.
Sorry I wrote that wrong. I meant more than once in 5 days. DH calls his son 5 nights a week (not the two days he is at a babysitters at night), and when we have SS in the summer, BM calls the same 5 days a week.
Also, does SS share with you what his mother asks, or is he on speaker??
He does not normally share what his Mom says, but sometimes we are in the car or in close quarters for other reasons and you can hear every word she says (she's not a quiet talker). As a matter of fact, I've been in another room and still heard her half the conversation nearly word for word. But I obviously don't hear all the conversations - we just spent 3 nights in a hotel and a night driving so we heard alot of her interogations - I guess that's why it came up.
I see your point about DH calling, but we have him the 5 days prior to him going to Mom for 5 days. And between sports functions, school functions, and other events, calling 1 - 2 a week is a comfort zone for DH and SS - not overly intrusive into Mom's time, but enough to stay in touch for the 4 days he doesn't see him. And SS calls DH whenever he wants - he is 7 and knows both phone numbers. Before having 50% custody DH called 3-4 times a week, but with the 50% is just changes things a little on his end.
Who cares? It's a 2-3 minute conversation. Personally, I call pinky two - three times a week when she's with her dad, ten minute conversations. When I have pinky and he's not deployed, he calls three times a week and talks to her for 45 minutes.
It's annoying but whatever. It's her father. She isn't doing anything and it's not costing me money so I let them talk.
If he wants to interrogate her, so be it. She'll eventually not want to talk to him as long. He can deal with that some day.
In any case, be glad it's only 2-3 minutes and get over it. If she calls at an inconvenient time, then don't answer and have the kid return the call at a better time. But seriously, getting cranky over 2-3 minutes is a bit silly and territorial. It takes pinky less time to use the bathroom so it certainly isn't digging into my time.
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I am new to the blended family board. My sons, 7 and 10, go with their father every other weekend, Fri, Sat, and Sun nights so I don't see them from Fri morning when I drop them off at their summer program until Monday evening when I get off of work. I call every night and they call me every morning. Even on Monday morning, they call me at work. And I don't particularly care if their father has a problem with it. They are my kids too, and I want to hear how their day went. They want to say good morning and if it makes them feel better, than fine. If they decided they didn't want to do that anymore, I would still call to say good night.
As for interrogations, I don't know if my conversations could be taken that way, but I ask pretty much the same kinds of questions. But its not because I don't trust their father or to be nosy about his household. It is because if I don't ask specifics, all I get are "nothing" kind of answers. (i.e. "what did you guys do today?" "Nothing") By asking specific questions, like "it was warm, did you guys go to the beach?" I will get an actual answer of what they did, and usually some good stories of what they did for fun. For my boys, if I don't open the door for conversation they don't partake. It is like that even on my time. To ask what happened in school today, the answer is always nothing. But if I ask what they studied in science and what was for lunch and what they are currently playing on the playground, I will get an hour conversation out of it.
My advice is to let it go, as other posters said, and don't take her questions as pointing the finger at you and your household. Maybe it is the only way to get any conversation out of him on the phone.
I totally understand your frustration. DH has full custody, BM gets three weekends a month. BM is a former drug user and didn't talk to them for weeks at a time at one point, which was too long, but now BM and her mom, grandma, call every single night. Its so annoying. We have to track the kids down and they don't have anything to say because they just talked to them both yesterday so it annoys them too.
Its not really an issue though other then the annoyance factor. She's their mom and if she wants to talk to them I have no problem with it. In fact, I'm glad she cares enough to call now. Overbearing grandma on the other hand is a controlling loon, who needs to step back. Honestly sometimes I just don't answer my phone when she calls. She can talk to her grandkids every other day.
This makes me sad. DH rarely gets to talk to SD when she is at her moms.
BM has a pre-paid phone and only answers the phone when her flavor of the week calls or her parents call (and that is rare). She won't even answer if DH or I call. We can text her, and she may or may not choose to call us or reply to us. We normally have to track down BM's mother, and then she has track down BM and get her to call us back. And tracking down BM's mom normally involved going to her work because she won't answer DH's phone calls either. Needless to say, if an emergency arises, it's a real PITA to get ahold of BM.
BM does have SD call us, though, on special days, like birthdays. And ever so rarely, she will actually call us to tell us she took her to the correct appointment time, etc. Or more often than not, she will occasionally call to tell us that she missed or rescheduled an appointment for whatever and that we can take her.
Of course, DH makes an effort to text or call BM and ask her to let SD call. Or he texts and tells her he is trying to call SD and would like her to answer the phone or let him know when would be a good time to call back. In the past he has tried setting up an agreed time to call on certain days, but BM never answered then either. It always goes unanswered, but he keeps trying. BM rarely ever calls SD when she is with us. I think the entire time DH and I have been together, BM has called to specifically talk to SD maybe five times.
And it is a full week between visitation for all of us. One week with us, one week with BM. DH hates not being able to talk to her for a full 7 days. When we run into them at WalMart it absolutely makes his day.