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3rd Trimester
NBR - DH has no boundaries.
Ok, so DH has some vices, like farting where ever he pleases, constantly watching cartoons, only getting food/water for himself, and has temperament issues when he's tired. But all of those are tolerable compared to his one very special vice. He has this girl that he has a past with who he claims is now a friend. She has never liked me even though he insists that she is just forgetful. Here, let me make a list so it's easier for you in chronological order:
(Before we get together he tells me of his old travel job, and of his bestest friend Lydia who lives in Montana who he has slept with before and the long term one night stand turned into a great friendship after he left to go work in a different state. We now live in Oregon so all conversations are via phone.)
First time I didn't like her: Saying 'I love you' more than once when getting off the phone like a girlfriend would. (Very beginning of our relationship)
Second time I didn't like her: 4 months into our relationship, she still couldn't figure out my name - AFTER H has been talking to her almost everyday and mentioning me almost every time. Right, she's just forgetful.
Third time I didn't like her: She tells H while I'm right next to him that she wishes that they could have stayed together and she's jealous that he got me pregnant and not her. He says no, but he laughs it off. She also says that I'm a whore for getting pregnant right away and I should give up the baby.
Fourth time I didn't like her: She calls all of the time and somehow knows his work schedule by the minute because as soon as he comes home from work and I'm ready to spend some quality time with him and before he even says hi to me, she calls and he answers, and they talk for an hour. A very long hour. Sometimes 2.
Fifth time I didn't like her: She always calls about how some ex of her's beat her up again and now she wishes that he was there to protect her and save her from her evil ex. Come on, it's called getting away from your 'abusive' ex.
Sixth time I didn't like her: She calls recently and they do the 'let's ignore my baby mama when she needs me' routine. They talk for almost 2 hours and while I'm in the bathroom sick, I can hear both of them talking on the phone and they get onto the subject of sex and how much they both miss it and then they take the extra step and talk about their special 'moves' and how they would take pictures of themselves and send them to different people. He refers to it as 'the good ol' days'. I'm bawling at this point because he's basically flirting with her and he thinks it's just normal conversation.
I have tried being nice to her and saying hi when she calls him in the nicest tone possible and she continues to 'forget' my name or even the fact that he has a fiance at all, and this last time it upset me so much that I couldn't look H in the eye or even talk to him for about a week. My friends tell me that it's perfectly ok, I need to give him space and she lives so far away that it's not a problem anyways. At one point he even TOLD me that she was going to be our daughter's god mother (that did not end well). He assumes that she is completely innocent and it's just a really good friendship. To me, it's more like she is trying to manipulate him. It went to the point where he wants to go there for a vacation so I can 'see how cool she really is!' -.- I don't know how to feel. I mean their conversations have gone down from every day to he hasn't talked to her around me since I was really upset (I didn't tell him why, he didn't ask). Every time I bring up how uncomfortable I am he just gets all mad and doesn't talk to her at all and rubs it in my face, then he goes and talks to her behind my back about how controlling I am. Should I wait until she calls again and if she's out of line then bring it up again or should I bring it up before my PP emotions kick in and I'm stressed out from a crying baby or upcoming labor just in case she calls then and I flip out and possibly weaken our relationship or worst actually leave him? Usually I'm the flip out and raise my voice kind of person but with this subject I get all sappy and just think about the only reason why he talks about sex with her is because I'm not giving it to him and I'm a bad SO. I'm not going to leave him so that isn't an option, although I wouldn't mind counseling with him or even just myself.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: NBR - DH has no boundaries.
Train wreck.
Your fiance is a selfish douche.
There's a reason we aren't married and don't plan on getting married for 5 years. Half of it's money, the other half is that I'm giving him until LO is a year old and if he's the same guy and hasn't improved, I'm leaving his ass. It already feels like he is like a child and I don't feel like raising 2. I mean don't get me wrong we have happy moments too but there are times I would feel more appreciated being by myself.
He is a jerk. This is completely unacceptable.
DH has a good friend with whom he has a past - many years ago and long before we met. They are now just friends and are in contact occasionally. She is married and expecting her first child. She and I chat on the phone sometimes before I give the phone over to DH and we get along very well.
What you have going on is completely different and completely wrong. It is dishonest, disrespectful and a disaster waiting to happen. I'm sorry, but he's either highly delusional or simply lying to you if he thinks his relationship with this cow is "innocent". It is not. And she clearly enjoys having control over him. This needs to stop. Like completely. And I would NOT marry a man who was this disrespectful to me. I almost expect him to end up cheating based on this behavior.
I am assuming you are both very, very young. Why anyone would allow themselves to get pregnant by a guy who obviously has a very odd background with another girl is beyond me, but I guess that's another whole issue...
Sweetie, walk away. You need to realize that this is not appropriate behavior in a relationship. He is a terrible guy and will most likely continue to put himself first before you and your child. You do not need this person in your life.
You deserve better treatment than that. It seems he lacks any kind of respect for you and your future child. If he did, he would see what kind of damage he is doing.
Trust your gut if its telling you something isn't right. 99% of the time the gut knows.
Also consider this, if you hang around until the baby is born, then it will learn from a very early age that its okay to disrespect your SO and ignore their feelings. Is that what you want to teach your child?
Really, there are men out there who won't treat you like this. I promise. They will respect you, care for you, listen to you and be loyal to you.
You deserve better, as does your child. I'm not sure what good staying a year would do.
DD2 (b. 9/04/2013)
BFP 2/25/12, m/c @ 6w 3d || BFP 8/1/12, m.m/c @ 9w5d
your friends are idiots!
and your fiance is cheating on you, if the conversation gets this sexual in front of you imagine what they really talk about when you're away.
I'd leave him now. Having someones baby is NEVER a valid reason to get married.
sorry you have to go through this dear. best of luck to you.
Oh, HELL no. His behavior is beyond unacceptable. So is hers. I don't care how far away she lives or what your friends say: this is a major fvcking problem.
Here's the tough-love thing, though: they continue to behave this way because YOU are letting them. I mean, she calls you a whore and you're trying to be NICE to her? He's talking sex with her behind your back and you blame YOURSELF? The two of them are behaving like a pair of massive A-holes, because right now? There's nothing stopping them and, unfortunately, he is willing to trade your (completely rational) unhappiness for a relationship with her.
My initial reaction upon reading your post was to go all Dan Savage on you and tell you to DTMFA. But since you say leaving him isn't an option, I'll simply suggest you read the book "He's Just Not That Into You." I think you'll find it enlightening. (I certainly did when I was with my ex, who had those same "I love you" conversations with someone else when we first got together, except WITH A GUY, but that's another story, isn't it?) Oh, and forget about being nice to her. She's not your friend. In fact, F her. F her right in the ear.
Good luck to you. You deserve so much better than this. Your fiance should be ashamed of himself.
This girl is only half of the problem. Your SO needs to respect you and your relationship and he is clearly not doing that. You two need to sit down and get some things worked out, or you need to leave him. Totally unacceptable. And just because she is in a different state does not mean that he can't cheat on you.
Best wishes!
Everything you said is so true! BUT F her right in the ear....that is hilarious! Really OP, it sounds like he is immature and a douche, just like other people have said.He is completely disrespecting you (the mother of his child) this is BS and I wouldn't stand for it if I were you. If leaving him really isn't an option, you need to get him to really listen to you or maybe try the counseling route.
I wouldn't even say that much. The girl is a beeatch for sure. Your FI is the problem. 100%. Sure, the girl is calling him but he is ignoring you to talk to her about their sex life for hours?? He tells her he loves her? He refers to their time together as "the good 'ol days?" And you just 'add it to the list' of annoyances? Oh, and your solution is that you have tried to be nice to her?? Even though you seem to place all the BLAME on HER and NONE on your FI?? I can't even....I am speechless!
You cannot continue to live like this! If you stay to 'give him a year to shape up,' in a year you'll have the excuse of having a baby, so it's too hard to leave, or too expensive, or too scary.
I would have kicked his a*ss to the curb long ago for being such a disrespectful d0uchemaster. Ditto whoever said he is likely cheating on you. Come on, if he will talk like that in front of you, then what will he do when you are not around?
If you really feel you need to, give him ONE chance and make it completely clear that continued contact with this girl is a non-negotiable. I have a feeling he won't care all that much about your ultimatum. That in itself should give you your answer. If he doesn't respect your wishes on this 100%, you need to leave. Actually, you need to take all his stuff, throw it out of the house, change the locks, and perhaps light a bonfire.
I personally wouldn't waste my breath trying to get this loser to go to counseling, but you really do need it for yourself, if you think that his behaviour is at all condonable (which you condone it by staying).
I know you are in a tough spot emotionally with having a baby coming, but think about the advice you would give your child in this situation. Being a single mom would be hard, for sure. But it has to beat what you are doing right now. You are being emotionally abused. Get out. Good luck.
Is he your fiance or your husband? You refer to him as your DH in your OP and here you say you aren't married yet.
Oh, and pull your head out of your ass. Your FI/DH/whatever has a girlfriend. You're an idiot for staying with him for another day. All of this heartache that you're going through is 100% your fault and none of his and certainly none of hers. If you're looking for somewhere to place the blame for your life being the trainwreck that you've allowed it to become, look no further than your mirror. It's all on you.
YOu're a first class idiot for tolerating this.
Good luck with this one; you will come in last FOREVER.
Anyone holding a gun to your BFs head? umm no thats what I thought.
Stop blaming HER!! She isnt the one in a relationship with you, is not the one who got you pregnant, and is not the one who will be r4esponsible for your child!
You BF is a douche and an idiot, but honey your a bigger idiot for putting up with this shiot! What the hell is wrong with you? Do you like being a doormat? Is this how you want your child seeing you being treated? Is this what you want to teach them?
Get a hold of yourself, find your self respect and stop putting up with douchewads antics.
You only get treated how you allows others to treat you.
You are both babies having a baby...it is time for YOU to grow up!
Will save for the DD later.
I agree with a lot of this. This is not fair for you and he obviously doesn't care at all. As for 'probably cheating on you' he IS. He is having an emotional relationship with this other woman and giving her the love and affection he should be giving you. In my book emotionally cheating is that same as going out and physically cheating. I would suggest counselling for you to help deal with the emotions of having dealt with such a douche bag but in order for this relationship to even remotely work this girl needs to hit the road and it doesn't seem as though he would be willing to kick her to the curb anytime soon.
So why are you calling him your husband???
Uh huh. And you're giving him a year. Beebee, your age is showing.
Gentle readers: the OP is only 20 years old.
Why isn't leaving an option? If it's because you loooovvvvee him so much, get over it, you deserve better.
If it's because you live with his family, you need to make other arrangements. Chances are the time will come when he decides to leave you, whether its for her or someone else & you need to be prepared. You will be in an awful position if you're dependent on him and his family & he decides it's over.
How long were you with him before you got pregnant & why did you continue to date him after #1 & 2? You should have left his @ss the first time you heard the ILYs between them.
You need to stop blaming this chick. Yes it's a b!tch move to go after a guy that's engaged with a child on the way, but he is the one who owes you loyalty, not her.
He is cheating on you. Period. Stop trying to make it sound like less than it is. He's cheating & thinks so little of you that he doesn't even try to hide it.
If leaving him really isn't an option, then get used to being cheated on and getting treated like sh!t. He is showing you the life you will have with him, believe him.
Bottom line:
Your FI is a douchelord. I'm also fairly certain he's 5 years old. He doesn't give a shiit about your feelings. If he did, he would not be discussing how much he misses having sex with this woman AT ALL, much less while you're barfing your guts up because you're KTFU with his kid. Odds are, he's sticking around because you're pregnant, and he feels obligated (read: because he feels like he HAS to, not because he wants to.)Your friends are idiots for telling you this is OK because she doesn't live near you. Find new friends, stat. Although, I do agree that you should give him space. Give him all the space in the world. LEAVE.
YOU have got to stand up for yourself NOW. Not a year from now, when he's sitting around watching cartoons while you take care of a screaming 1 year old by yourself. NOW. as in TODAY.
This particular woman is the least of your problems. If it wasn't her, it would be, without a doubt, some other woman. Don't doubt that for a second.
In conclusion: DTMFA. HTH! YWIA!
ETA: If you love your unborn daughter soooo much, which I don't doubt, do her a favor. Don't try to raise her in a situation like this. It will warp her more than you can imagine.
This girl isn't half the problem. This girl isn't even 1% of the problem. It's 100% your douchetastic FI.
If he had told her in the beginning to get lost, he was in love with someone else, none of this crap would be happening.
Why wait a year to dump his sorry @ss (because he's not going to become the man you want him to be)? Dump him now, get a lawyer to make sure you get the child support you're due, and get on with your life. Don't waste your time on this loser.
Inappropriate. The whole thing.
There doesn't seem to be any sort of boundaries to their friendship what-so-ever. She obviously doesn't have much respect for you or your relationship and to be honest, it sounds like he is lacking respect too.
I'm not sure what kind of advice you are looking for because you say that leaving him isn't an option (which is what I think is the only option). Based on their past/present behavior I would demand he stop contact with her.
You either need to a) get the hell out or b) accept that if you stay, you're just as much to blame for his behavior. When you have a baby, you don't get to be immature anymore.
Yes,I'm smiling...I'm a marathoner!
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I will be honest with you. This situation with the "female friend" sounds like an emotional (if not fully physical, if I didn't know better) affair of epic proportions. He has made its decision repeatedly right in front of your face. He will continue to have contact that is inappropriate and neglect your needs (I am betting LO's needs too) in favor of this other woman. The time to make your decisions is now. I would tell him that you are considering leaving him. Tell him why and let him know that this has been a repeat offense. If he tells you that he will cut her off then tell him to do it in front of you. Make him stick to it. I would give him 3 chances to fall off the wagon (this sounds fair). Tell him he only gets three F-ups. After the third (I am sorry, but I believe there will be infractions) pack your bags.
That is the NICE way to go about it. Honestly, I think he might have blown it. You might need to just take off and cut your losses. You deserve someone who will put you & your LO first. This guy does not sound like IT. I am sorry you have to go through this, but for the sake of your unborn child & your own emotional well-being I would put some distance in and find yourself a new life situation that is more positive.
I wish you all the best. This is a heart-breaking development in your life.
This whole post is the reason it makes me ill when beebees like you, OP, say that leaving/divorce is not an option. Your FI knows that you will not leave him, and that is (IMO) part of why he is behaving the way he does. (The other part is because he's a douche, and this is what douches do...)
What is the consequence for his behavior? What reason does he have to stop it?
He has no respect for you, and it appears you have no respect for yourself if you think that being in this relationship is acceptable.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and tell you, THINGS WILL NOT CHANGE! There is a reason on his end he still wants some form of a relationship with her. Maybe he just enjoys the attention, IDK, but something smells fishy and that's very immature of him. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings but if he were truly ready for a marriage and family life, he would stop the communication with her once and for all. He has no business maintaining a "friendship" with someone who he shares that kind of past with. And, if she were truly the friend she calls herself, she would not refer to you and treat you the way you've described above.
You and your little girl deserve better than that. I wouldn't even give him until she's a year old.
If I were you, I'd be referring to him as my "ex-fiance". He's a selfish dirtbag who WILL (if he hasn't already) sleep with this girl again or leave you entirely for her.
Why do you want to stay with a man who so readily ignores your needs and devalues your opinions?
Start preparing to be a single mom because even if he sticks with you to delivery, he probably won't make it through the first few weeks after baby comes home.
I can't sugar coat this for you... He's cheating on you!! Emotional cheating is just as bad in my opinion. I have a very dear friend who's H keeps getting new "friends" which he only talks to, but still he's confiding things in these whores that he should be talking only to his wife about--- CHEATING! Plus, any guy who talks about sex with an ex is a massive DOUCHEBAG!! That's unacceptable, honey, they're possibly having phone sex too (think about it). Not to mention the fact that she's bashing you to him and he's not standing up for you! I know it's hard, but really honey, get out now... I'm hoping he sees what a twatwaffle he's being and stops talking to her, but who knows.
I myself have had to cut off ties with exes and friends because DH has been uncomfortable (you know, the friends who really like you, but you'll only be friends with). It has to do with respect... he should respect that this whore is bad for your relationship, if not, he's no good and you need to leave. I agree with Paisley, read He's just not that into you, it's gotten me through some rough breakups. You're worth more than this! I only hope you see it--- sometimes leaving is the only option, especially before the nuptuals!
You are so strong for putting up with this.
Umm strong ...I dont think so...what is so strong about putting up with a cheating man who has no disrespect for you?
No, this does not make her strong, it makes her insane and unless she leaves it makes her weak. There is nothing "strong" about staying in a relationship with a partner who has no respect for you or your children.
I am not saying that this woman is a saint, but what is going on here is 100% OP's FI's fault. This woman takes no blame here. The FI has total control to say, "I'm sorry, but our relationship seems inappropriate and I have a FI and a baby on the way, so I don't think we should talk anymore. He doesn't do that. Because he is a douche. Leave the other woman out of it.
Quick, your immaturity is showing! People who have slept together CAN be friends, as long as they find a way to do so in a way that respects both of their current partners.
Mark your territory? Are you effing kidding me here? If my H ever referred to me as "his territory" I would be pi**ed! In a relationship where there is mutual respect, nobody has to "mark" anybody. The fact that you even say this again shows your lack of maturity.
You should totally do this. Pee on him in front of her, that will solve all your problems
This is the worst advice written in this thread. How in God's name do you suppose she mark her territory with a cheating asshat? The only smart thig for this girl to do is walk away.
And yes, men and women who are in mature, trusting and loving relationships can definitely remain friends with exes after sleeping together. Those who can't aren't in the right relationships...
Sorry, next time my depo fails I'll get an abortion.
That aside, I've hit my limit with him. Our engagement is off but we had a very intense talk about what I expect from him and although I don't want to leave him, I will if I have to. I threw out the stay with him for a year thing, but I am still going to live with his family for 3 months, and if he doesn't completely whip his butt into shape I'm leaving. At that point I will have saved up enough money to live on my own and his family is very supportive of me so it's not weird. And for a background, his family is Thai, and they believe if you have sex with someone, you are married no matter what, so us not being married even with a child on the way is very relaxed of them. I know almost all of you don't agree with this but then again it is very hard to leave someone you still love, especially when you have a child together. It took my dad 7 years to earn being called a dad and even though my mother still left him, I understood why. Giving someone a chance, even after they have committed the unspeakable, is not dumb. A lot of fathers don't really step up until the baby is born (or at some point later), which I've seen with people I've grown up with. Guys have gone from lying, cheating aholes to completely devoted husbands and fathers. Yes, he has hell to pay for what he's done, and I am not the person to ignore it. I just don't want to give up on the chance for him to grow up when I've seen it happen so many times before.