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Pre-School and Daycare
ArcticFox
member
Need advice on a friend
ArcticFox
member
I have a single friend who has made it clear that she is upset about being single, and tells me how it is really tough to be around people who have kids, that her friends are becoming mommies and it is super painful, etc.
So when I had my second baby, I sort of left things open ended - I didn't want her to feel obligated about visiting me in the hospital - and she didn't. Now we just keep drifting (or so I feel). I never bring up my kids unless it is super brief (like oh, the kids are sick or how DD is in summer camp or whatever, usually related to something we are talking about anyway). Not even things like first tooth, first steps, or anything.
The thing is - I am SO confused. I respected her space and basically her verbal wishes not to "talk babies" etc.. but she is always spending time with her other friends kids, visiting all the other friends in the hospital, giving the kids gifts, etc.. and FB status updates of her are all "gushy" about how she loves the baby's names, she can't wait to meet so and so friend's baby, etc. She even told me she didn't like the name I had picked for my baby, point blank. She actually said she is terrified of hospitals too, so I respected that as well - and then within weeks she visited several other friends in the hospital.
Is this a case of "good guys end last" type of thing? I respected her feelings, and she is totally contradicting herself. I'm not really mad, everyone has their own issues - maybe it has to do that we were closer than her other friends so she didn't feel obligated to gush over my kids? BTW she is not making any of this a secret or anything - she is very proud to announce all this stuff (like on FB) that she visited the hospital or whatnot. Any thoughts?
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Re: Need advice on a friend
I think you're right - good guys end last.
I'm not really sure what I'd do. Probably let the friendship fade. If I knew her real feelings about my family life/children, then it definitely would color my interactions with her.
I'm sorry.
I see 3 possible options, all which may bear the same outcome:
1. Toodle along as you have been, realizing that this friendship isn't probably going to make it and you will end as friendly acquaintances.
2. Cut her off. She told you one thing, did another and even when so far as to flat out say she didn't like the name of your kid (the most I would say to a friend if pressed is "not my style but it's not my baby!"). If you are the one making all the effort, having to leave huge parts of your life at the door to interact with her, well, why? Spend that time cultivating friendships with others where you don't have to tiptoe on eggshells.
3. Confront her. Basically ask her WTF, you told me all this stuff, I've attempted to be very sensitive to you, but instead you run around talking and cavorting with other friends and their children, ignoring yours -- do she feel the friendship is ending or did she simply not realize how hurtful this can be? Realize though that direct confrontation is oftentimes awkward and difficult for all parties and may make her very defensive. So while there is a chance with this option of saving and reviving the friendship, you could also end up killing it quickly. The decision here though as to the future of your friendship is purely on your friend.
GL!!
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
pesky hit it on the head. I think she is just using the babies as an excuse to cut you off. No "true" friend requires you to not talk about *your children* and tells you to your face she doesn't like your kid's name.
Doesn't sound like a friendship that i supportive and I would cut her off immediately.