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January 2011 Moms
need MIL opinion, kinda long
I apologize in
advance that this post will be long. Please bare with me.
I am a controlling
person, and I acknowledge that about myself, so please let me know HONESTLY if
you think I'm being too uptight about this situation-
So my MIL and FIL
are baptist ministers/missionaries. They give off that "we're super great and
want everyone to always be happy" vibe (fake and nauseating as it may be). And
since I've known them I've always thought of my MIL as the naive stereotype
of "those" type of people. Sweet, but not really more than that... That was
until recently. It started with DS spending a week with her for the summer. We
packed him everything he could need, including groceries (he's overly sensitive
to sugar, see siggy pic with cracked out eyes, so we limit it as much as
possible). When we picked him up he was sunburned so badly he was peeling on his
shoulders and nose, hadn't bathed, and ate a steady diet of coke and reese's
peanut butter cups all week. Now, I understand grandparents are going to spoil
the grandkids, but I thought this was excessive. I was
pissed.
The next week MIL
goes to my BIL and SIL's house North of Chicago to watch their 3 boys while they
go on a cruise. 13, 4, and 1, and the 4 y/o is autistic. The one big rule they
had was NOT to take the boys into Chicago. The first thing she did when they
left was pack them all up for a day/night in the city. 13 y/o calls parents,
parents call MIL, and MIL goes on some tirade about "you don't need to tell me
how to be a grandmother to my grandchildren. I'll do with them what I want."
Obviously that doesn't sit with anyone well. I especially can't believe she
looked them in the face when they asked her not to take the boys in town and
agreed, full well knowing she planned to when they left, but I
digress....
So, now I think of
MIL as a beast who has no respect for me or SIL and how we want our children
cared for. I don't want MIL to spend any unsupervised time with LO until s/he
is, I dunno, 10ish (or DS for that matter). DH doesn't disagree, but I'm
wondering, is it really fair to not ever let her spend a couple hours with the
baby and DS while we go out? I've very protective and particular about my kids,
but I'm not sure if I'm being uptight and hormonal here.
TIA! Sorry so long
Ladies!
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This discussion has been closed.
Re: need MIL opinion, kinda long
We must have the same MIL!!! I don't think you are being ridiculous- I feel the same way. My ex bff brought her son to my wedding (they were both in it) and stayed two nights with us at my MIL/FIL's house. She gave my bff's son pop several times (he was 2) and then, my bff told her son that he couldn't have any pop before lunch (it was 10am) which MIL heard. Literally 30sec later, MIL is giving bff's son a can of pop....
For the reason that she will not respect our parenting decisions and has made several comments about how when the grandkids are there they will be able to do and eat w/e they want (they do not eat healthy and sit in front of the tv all the time- i have no idea how they are not obese). I'm sorry but that is just wrong and not the grandparents decision. If you cannot trust her to respect YOUR decisions, she has no right to unsupervised time with YOUR children. I think some 'grandparents' need to understand that we are having OUR OWN kids that happen to be their grandkids, not their grandkids that happen to be our kids....
Hold your ground, your parenting decisions should be respected. Period.
My MIL is similar to yours, but maybe not to the same extent. I had lots of rules about when/where she was allowed watch DS in the beginning that DH was basically forced to live by. You have to do what is comfortable for you and your husband should be supportive. After some time, I relaxed a little with MIL, but I still sometimes question her judgement. I will often give her long-winded explanations about why I want things a certain way which seems to help. It's tough, though.
Having a drama-llama (stealing this term from cdobry I think) MIL too I feel your pain. The best thing you can do is talk to your DH and figure out strict rules for seeing her and spending time with her. When it comes to telling her said rules as the issue arises, he needs to be the one to tell her and explain it in a way that isn't, "Amanda wants...Amanda says" but that it's coming from him. It's not foolproof but it helps.
Also I'm a zero-tolerance person when it comes to these irrational/irresponsible people. If you fark-up once, I'm not giving you the opportunity to do that again. For instance, you gave my child sugar when I asked you not to, there will no longer be an instance when you will be in charge of their food until the child is old enough to resist temptation for the sake of their health; you took my child out of town against my strict request and blatantly lied to my face, you won't be allowed to take my child for more than a few hours at a time.
I am not usually a control freak but I know that I will be when needed with my kids. My MIL is never allowed alone in the room with my kids even for me to go to the bathroom (DH's orders so you know it's bad) so she definitely is never allowed to have them overnight/week. We have a very odd situation but you tailor it to the situation. With my parents or my FIL they can take the kiddo and do as they please because even if they push the boundaries a little of what is normally okay (they have to in order to qualify as grandparents haha) they will respect the big issues. With people like this that you can reason with, they get another chance. For instance if my step-mom took my daughter to get her ears pierced then DD would have the earrings removed when she got home and I'd have a talk with my step-mom.
I know this is long but basically I'm on your side! I hope that if you made it through that it helps you. (((HUGS))) Us girls with weird MIL's have to stick together haha.
Amen! ((HUGS BACK))
I especially think you're fine with limiting her alone time with the kids. Her disregard for your wishes and BIL/SIL's kids put them in possible danger with the sunburn and being in the city. I'd be afraid of her continuing to press the limits to prove her grandmother-ness.
I get batty about the diet stuff too, but like everyone else on here, it seems the generation before me hears "blah blah blah" when I tell them what I don't want my child to eat.
I say that limiting contact is not crazy at all. If you do not establish boundaries with people they will walk all over you!! By limiting contact maybe she will realize that you (and SIL) mean business.
I have a nutty MIL as well so I totally sympathize.
We should create a 'coping with MIL' board!
As you read this - keep in mind that I will not let MIL watch my kids at all unsupervised (like FIL is there) because she has had a history with the other kids in the family of playing major favorites, talking bad about them in front of them, and even doing unsafe things even if she is only watching them for a short time. She is also bi-polar and doesn't take her meds.
I would have DH explain to your MIL that you will not be letting her watch the kids for any extended period of time and why (she doesn't respect your wishes). I would also say that in order to gain your trust back, she can watch them occasionally when you go out to dinner, ect. But that the FIRST time she goes against your wishes (sugar, bedtime, anything) that she won't be watching them alone at all. That way, she gets the idea that this is not acceptable, but gets to show that she can follow the rules. Then, as time goes by, if she is good about following the rules, you can be more lax or let her keep them longer. If nobody has ever "laid down the law" with her, then she won't get it (for example, if your SIL complained that MIL took the kids to Chicago, but still lets her watch them, then MIL figures it is not a big deal - this happens with my MIL all the time - I have no idea why anyone lets her watch their kids). But if she disrespects you again, then don't let her watch them again. That way, she can't say she wasn't given a chance.
Good luck (and I highly recommend that DH deal with her as it is his mother).