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Hawaii Babies
lelekay
member
Henry update, Day 11 (long)
lelekay
member
I just wanted to take a moment and update everyone on life after Henry's arrival. I think it'll be good for me to just get this out there to people who will (hopefully!) understand.
Henry and I both struggled with nursing from the very beginning. He didn't want to latch on properly, and it was very, very painful for me. In the hospital, I met with the lactation consultant everyday (I was there for 5 days, 4 nights). At first we used a nipple shield, but then we both got letter at latching, and ditched that. It was still quite painful, but getting better little by little. By now, it only hurts a little bit right at the beginning, then it's totally fine.
Also in the hospital, he would nurse for about 45 minutes to an hour, then sleep for about 2 hours. Then we got to Day 4......
On Day 4, he only had one wet diaper in the morning, then nothing. We were very worried about this, and didn't want him to need an IV for dehydration. So I supplemented with a little formula that night, using a supplemental nursing system taped to my breast. It went well, and he slept great and sufficiently filled his diapers.
I had an extreme amount of guilt over supplementing that night, and cried a lot, not wanting to do it. But ultimately, I think it was the right choice, and it hydrated him and we avoided further interventions.
When we got home, we also used the SNS maybe 3 times a day, as recommended by his pediatrician. When we used it, he seemed happier and slept much, much better than when we didn't. When we went to the pediatrician on his second day out of the hospital (last Wednesday), he had gained an okay amount of weight back, and seemed hydrated, so she suggested that we take away a SNS session each day, then by the weekend, not using it at all to see how he did.
Well, Friday came, and I supplemented once in the morning, then not at all the rest of the day or Saturday. But Sunday morning I was about to lose my mind. He was sooooo fussy, to the point of screaming almost constantly. He would nurse for about 30 minutes, then pull off angrily or fall asleep, so we ended the feeding session. But then he'd only sleep for about 15 minutes, then wake up screaming again. And the whole cycle would repeat about every 45-60 minutes. I didn't sleep at all. Or eat very much. I couldn't! I was hormonal and crying a lot. I tried nursing for longer sessions, but he was pulling off and getting mad, or just falling dead asleep, only to wake back up shortly after.
Finally my husband suggested we just give him a bottle of formula. I didn't want to, determined to make this breastfeeding thing work. But I was desperate. Not only was I at my wit's end, but Henry didn't look well to me at all. His eyes were all glassy, and he clearly needed sleep. So after nursing for about 40 minutes, I gave him a bottle. He took 2 ounces, then promptly fell sound asleep for 4 hours. He magically woke up a happy, cheerful baby!
So, it seemed to me that my supply is either low, or I have a very slow flow, which is frustrating him. I continued the plan of first nursing while he let me (about 30 minutes or so), then supplementing for the past 24 hours. I felt incredibly guilty, though. I cried a lot in the past day, feeling very guilty. I worried that I was doing this selfishly, more for my comfort and sleep than his. But I kept reminding myself that he seems sooooo much happier now.
Anyway, we went back to the pediatrician today. I kind of broke down in her office, confessing my feelings of guilt and worries that I've somehow messed this all up. She assured me that not only did I do the right thing, but that if I hadn't, she would have recommended that exact same routine today anyway, after hearing about our troubles. I feel soooo much better now. I know that several of my friends would be very "disappointed" that I'm supplementing, but you know what? I have to do what's right for me and my child. My hope is that through still nursing before supplementing, and by pumping a few times throughout the day, my supply and flow will increase, and we can slowly drop off the formula. And you know what? If it doesn't, that's okay, too. Ultimately, my child is healthy and happy, and that's ALL that matters.
I will still probably struggle with this over the next few days. It's not like by hearing that the pediatrician agreed with me, all my feelings of guilt will instantly disappear. But, I really do feel TONS better today. Yesterday all I could think was "I can't do this, I can't do this. What kind of horrible mistake did I make having a child when I am clearly completely incompetent?" And today I feel more like "I can do this! Look at him....he's so happy!" And like I said.....that's all that matters, right?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Henry update, Day 11 (long)
Oh honey - big, big hugs for you! I've been there, and I know exactly how you're feeling right now.
First, PLEASE don't feel guilty. I know it's easier said than done (why is it that I can sincerely say it to other people but still struggled with it myself?), but please don't feel guilty. Hearing your child cry with hunger, and then seeing him satisfied after supplementing is simultaneously both guilt-inducing and a huge relief, so I understand where you're coming from. But you need to do what is best for him, and it sounds like you're definitely doing that.
I know we have it drummed into our heads that breast is best, and I also know that most of us WANT to breastfeed. But the single most important thing is that your baby gets fed - how that happens doesn't matter. Formula is not bad or evil (I get SO pissed off whenever I hear people refer to it as "poison") - it may not be quite as good as breastmilk, but it's damn close and a whole lot better than the cows milk that women with low supply had to give their babies 70 years ago. Personally, I'm immensely grateful for modern formula!
Keep working on BFing if that's your ultimate goal (your plan of nursing and pumping is a good one, and make sure you're getting plenty of water and protein to eat), but don't feel stressed or guilty if it doesn't work out. There are many, many things a mother does that are more important than breastfeeding, and Henry will still be happy and healthy and smart if you end up using formula. You are giving your child what he needs, and you are a GREAT mama!
This is it, exactly.
Thank you so much, Lisa. I cried (good tears!) when I read your kind words. I actually thought about you a lot yesterday, when I gave him that first bottle. I remembered that you went through this, and thinking of that actually made me feel a little better about it, for some reason. I guess just knowing that I wasn't alone gave me some comfort.
Thanks again....it means a lot to me.
No problem, hon.
I actually got in a fight with my mother over this once. She made an extremely hurtful remark along the lines that if I bottlefed the boys, I wouldn't be able to bond with them (which is total bullsh!t by the way, so don't believe that for a second!). I told her she had NO idea how it felt to look your beautiful, incredibly perfect newborn son in the eye while he screamed because he was literally starving and knowing your body had let you down. I couldn't let my boys cry with hunger just because *I* wanted to BF - I needed to do what was right for them. It's such an emotional struggle when you have low supply issues, and doesn't help that a lot of people seem to think it all happens automatically just because they never had a problem.
BFing is really hard even if you DON'T have supply issues - if you do, well, that just makes it hard x1000. One day (when I was crying yet again over my "failure" to breastfeed), I told Ben it was the hardest thing I'd ever done. He gave me a really surprised look and said, "Even harder than labor?" and I told him absolutely it was harder than labor! I think that really surprised him - I don't think he understood until then just how much I was struggling emotionally with not being able to EBF our sons.
I will be totally honest and say that in my case, I have no regrets about stopping breastfeeding. Don't get me wrong, it was extremely difficult emotionally (and can still choke me up a little even now), but all things considered I don't regret it. I used to spend soooo much time BFing, then supplementing, then pumping that I never got to cuddle or play with Will and Dash - I never got to enjoy my sons, and ultimately the trade-off wasn't worth it to me. I also genuinely believe that I did everything I possibly could to BF and that my supply would never have caught up with their needs - that also helps alleviate my feelings of guilt. (Random side note: I get annoyed when people say that formula feeding is the "easy way out" because I think it's harder than BFing! Yes, BFing is harder to establish, but constantly preparing and sterilizing bottles - not to mention the inconvenience of not having food on tap when you leave the house and the high cost of formula - is a huuuuge PITA.)
Anyway, it sounds like you want to keep trying to BF, so stick with it - I set myself a goal of one month initially and made myself keep trying until then, and then set it again for another 2 weeks so I could see if domperidone helped. You don't have to do the same, but I found that having a goal really helped me stick with it when I was struggling (even though I eventually stopped at 6.5 weeks).
Just remember that you are the perfect mama for Henry no matter how you feed him.
i'm sorry leah
it sounds like you're doing everything you can - and whatever happens will be fine.
can i just say again that i am SO grateful that everyone can share things like this here? i'm sure if i end up in the same situation, i'll feel incredibly guilty too - but it will help so much knowing that i'm not alone!
good luck leah! thanks so much for giving us an update. hugs to you and henry
THIS exactly happened to us because my milk came in late. At first, I thought we just had a colicky baby or something. Pretty soon his little lips and cheeks were peeling because he was so dehydrated =*( We were lucky that we had an appt to see the pedi because he had borderline jaundice...cuz that's when we found out he was dehydrated and not getting enough from BF. I was sobbing on the way home from the pedi and we had to give him formula for about 2 weeks, before I was able to transition more to BFing. I was worried about nipple confusion and everything, but he ended up not having that issue.
Eventually my milk came in and it was enough that I didn't have to supplement. What I did was pump A LOT and I drank TONS of fluids, ate well, and ate often. I was pretty much attached to the pump...I made a hands-free pumping bra out of an old bra that I had and left it on pumping. MH washed it many times a day. I'd try to nurse first, then pump for 1 hour (or more sometimes) while MH's feeding formula (every 2 hours) and I'd get only a thin layer of milk at the very bottom of the bottle--barely even 1/4 the way up to the first measurable line (it was so sad to see!) but I kept going, and when my milk finally came in, it felt so abrupt cuz all of the sudden I was able to pump several ounces. I still don't know what makes some ppl's milk come in so easily and why it's so hard for others, but that's just what ended up working for my milk to come in.
But I know EXACTLY what you mean about feeling guilty BUT at least you realized the issue early on and gave him formula (I felt even worse that we didn't know what was going on until going a whole day with him crying bloody murder every hour). We can't really control what happens to our bodies and how much milk we produce and stuff, but the most important thing is making sure our baby has enough and is not getting dehydrated...and in the case where our bodies are not producing enough, giving our babies formula is the BEST thing we can do for them. You definitely did the best possible thing in this situation...and THAT makes you the most competent mom ever.
We had latch problems from the beginning... saw the LCs in the hospital everyday (which was pretty frustrating since different LCs would give me conflicting advice!), tried the nipple shield which worked for brief periods and then not. The screaming was horrible - "try 15 minutes on each breast" - what? I can't listen to him screech like that for 15 seconds!! So I started supplementing with formula on day 4 and pumping. After a horrific episode on day 7 which ended wiht me calling the paramedics and still not knowing what all the hours.of.continuous.screaming were about, we switched entirely to bottles/formula and I stopped pumping.
I felt horrible about giving him the formula in the hospital ,but cried for 2 reasons - one b/c he was happy and eating finally, and two b/c I thought I had failed him by not being able to provide for him.
I hope you are able to continue nursing if you choose! It's hard! And the decisions are harder! Good luck... hang in there.
I completely agree with all of this. I was telling this to DH last night after I read your original post. I am sure we pretty much all have had/will have some of the same issues when it comes to BFing. I am just so thankful to have a support & resource group here.
And good luck, Leah. I know you & Henry will figure it all out (whether by BF or bottle!). Keep us posted & know we are thinking of you!
I think I worry about breastfeeding the most as I have (TMI) flatter nipples and a nipple shield was suggested by my Dr. already...
Thanks for sharing your experience with us, others have offered great comments/advice. You are doing an amazing job Mama!
I love Hawaii!
Tara & Ian . 4/24/2008 . The Kahala Planning . Married
Oh Leah, the pp have said it all...hang in there and know this...no one loves your baby more than you (and your husband)...and you're doing what is best for him by making sure he's taken care of and healthy. Period. Be that via BM or FF, it doesn't matter.
If you wish to try to BF, I encourage you to stick with it, but if it's not for you (for all the reasons you've written and more, perhaps...) then that's just fine. Henry will thrive no matter how he's fed. Honest! Hang in there mama, you're doing great!
TTC/PG Blog | Mommy Blog
oh leah, i am so sorry you are going through this...but please do not feel guilty for any of this. you are a great mama and you are doing everything you can to take care of your baby. everyone else already said everything that needs to be said so i will just echo their sentiments.
keep at it, we're all here to support you. inamra gave the suggestion of pumping lots to increase your milk supply - just wanted to say you can make your own hands free bra with an old sports bra by cutting slits into it...or you can make one with hair ties (the info is on kellymom.com)...
big hugs. the first few weeks of BFing are so hard but hang in there!
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
My Food Blog - Good Eats 'n Sweet Treats
Leah, honey first up I wish I could give you a big hug right now and tell you that you are a fabulous mama.
Learning to become a mother, at the very beginning of your firstborn's life, is probably the steepest learning curve you are EVER going to face in your life. It'll always be a learning curve but it won't always be the 'holding on for dear life' dip in this particular roller coaster.
I aint gonna tell you to not feel guilty. I think every mum that ever walked the entire earth in the process of rocking their child feels that 'guilt gene' flower into life the minute their baby is born (sometimes even BEFORE then).
So, while you SHOULD'NT feel guilty, I'd be a hippocrite if I told you to lose the guilt. If I find a way to shake mine, I'll let you all know AFTER I bottle and sell it.
You're a beautiful mother and Henry won the lottery in life when he was given to you to love and hold his hand through his life to come. Whichever way he eventually gets his nutrition from will be the right choice because it'll help him grow and thrive.
30 years from now, when you watch him achieve yet another great milestone, be that marrying the love of his life, graduating college, catching a big fish, whatever...I don't think you're gonna be sitting there, bursting with pride but thinking "This is great but I wish I had breastfed/bottlefed him...!"
i'm sorry but please do not feel guilty, you are doing your best!
If you want to keep at it let us know how it goes... I was going to suggest pump, pump, pump as well. My milk came in late and they gave me a SNS at the hospital but I did not end up using it - do you have it on the lowest flow setting? That might help get him use to a slower flow. You could also ask the LC for one that is manually operated (it looks like a medicine syringe attached to a small tube) and then your DH could hold it and only release a small amount of supplement formula over the course of a feeding. Just ideas.
Also, not sure what type of LC you had access to (but since another poster mentioned hers may not have been up to par or were offering conflicting advice), if you feel like it you might want to try to get recommendations for a private one (ask some doulas for a referral). The LC that visited us at the hospital was a little odd and akward. Luckily my friend's mom is also an LC and she was MUCH, MUCH, MUCH better - I think the one I had at the hospital was unrealistic (wow, I can't believe your milk hasn't come in yet ---- uh, really? because this pretty normal) she made me nervous and because I seemed to know what was going on (had taken a BF class w/ an outside LC) she was like - yay you are doing so well. Ummm, NO we are not doing well but yay that I know how to hold the baby to look like I know what we are doing. grrr.
I'm sorry - I'm all for do what is best for you and your baby - I don't push BF (or not) on anyone but this comment makes me angry. S/he has not even assessed the situation at the right time, if they have this preconceived notion I feel like we are going back 50+ years when women were not even given the choice. Simply because some women's milk comes in late or some women have low supply, or some women/babies need extra support does not mean that you will automatically need this. Again, I don't ever want to seem like I'm pushing BFing on anyone - I know there are situations where formula is the best for mom and baby and thank goodness we have it - but if you don't need it and don't want it why are they still pushing it?!
The fact that you were so emotional after a first meeting with this ped makes me wonder if it will truly be a good fit - do you have any other interviews to get another perspective? I'm emotional for you right now, and I (shouldn't) be dealing with any crazy surges of hormones right now
haha.
Hi ladies -
As I've said before, I was another mom who could not BF. And honestly, it makes me SO sad to know that we've gotten to a point that we feel guilty at all for not being able to (or choosing) not the BF. I met a another mom the other day who had the same problems as me and she had people say "Oh, just relax" or "I think you just need to try harder".
When I was PG, I just "assumed" I would BF, I mean, you have a baby, your milk comes in, then you BF, right? Right?? Uh, no. I really wish there was more discussion about how sometimes it just doesn't go as planned. I think if we went into the whole birthing process knowing in the back of our minds that not all women can BF and that's OK, I really think we could stop with the whole guilt part of the equation.
I also had melt down after melt down about not being able to BF, I'd try, E would scream the entire time, not latch then I'd hand her off to H to have a bottle as I pumped for another 1/2 hour having these painful vaccums on my boobs as my husband had a wonderful calm nurturing moment with E feeding her a bottle. I met w/ 3 LC's and really felt like they were all trying to push their agenda.
I'm currently watching my neighbor and her infant struggle with this and it's just so sad to watch. The baby gained ONE OUNCE in his first month because she refused to supplement. You should see the stick legs on this baby, not to mention he's upset all the time because he's so hungry. And I DO NOT buy the whole argument that maybe he's "just skinny". Maybe if he was calm and skinny or happy and skinny. But he's constantly upset. A breastfed baby is great, but not at the risk of all the stress they go through if they are not getting what they need, from the breast or otherwise.
At some point, we need to make a decision whether our desire to BF has more to do what's best for our babies or if we're forcing something that isn't working to make ourselves feel like we're being a "good mom".
I wish the jingle would change from "Breast is Best" to " Breast is Best, Except when it's Not".
And just as an aside to my experience, E starting SSTN at 2 1/2 months. She's now 16 months and sleeps from 8 to 8 consistently. We never had an issue w/ gas.
With as far as we've come as women, it drives me crazy to think that we would feel guilt or shame over something that for the most part we cannot control. If BF'ing is right for you and your family, AWESOME!! I fully support it and you. If FF is right for you and your family I wish we could be as supportive to each other, and more importantly ourselves.
Cerclage placed @ 21w6d due to CI (IC)
I totally agree - this is the point I finally reached, and why I decided to stop BFing. I realized that not only was I never going to be able to BF no matter how hard I tried, but that the only reason I WAS trying was for myself. Not for my boys, who were happy and healthy and thriving on formula, but because it's what *I* wanted to do (and what I felt like I should be doing). Having a stressed, perpetually exhausted mother just so they could have half BM and half formula was not what was best for my sons.
This isn't to put down anyone who is successfully BFing (since you all know I admire you greatly!), but just to say that I think that sometimes we try to persevere for the wrong reasons.
And it's also definitely not to say that you should stop trying to BF Henry, or that it's a bad thing if it works out! Just that it's OK if it doesn't.
Cerclage placed @ 21w6d due to CI (IC)
Cerclage placed @ 21w6d due to CI (IC)