HELP! Can we keep DSS with us?
RickeyandDani
member
With your experiences and knowledge what is the likelihood DSS will get to stay with us???
I'm so new to all of this. DH left DSS at home with his mom 6 years ago while he joined the military. DH did 3 year long tours plus some training on the other coast and only got to see/ talk to his son a handful of times. DSS came to visit us FINALLY. He scheduled to be here for 3 weeks. His 2nd night here he tells me "You are way better then my real mom." I asked him why on earth he would say this and he proceeded to throw his mom under the bus. He told me that she shoots up drugsi n front of him and snorts white powder. He tells me her boyfriend (father of DSS' 2 year old half sister)is a pervert, as well as his grandfather is a perv. (They both have dirty magazines and watch pornos. He pretty much through everyone under the buus. He seems to be having TONS of anxiety about going back home. we called CPS and reported it. What's the likelihood we will have to send him back legally while they check this out? DSS's mother has no history with CPS but does have a legal history of possession and DWI. DSS even said his mom said she would kill him if he told us.
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Re: HELP! Can we keep DSS with us?
Other than the threat you mentioned, has he said anything about anyone harming him?
I think that if you can articulate a real and rational concern for his safety, you need to start calling attorneys first thing Monday morning. An attorney is the person who is best capable of giving you advice about how to proceed.
That said--and I'm just playing devils advocate or whatever--drug use and a boyfriend watching porn probably isn't going to warrant an immediate change in custody. In Florida (the state that handled my divorce/custody), a parent pretty much had to murder someone for the state to take action like that.
I think you did the right thing by calling CPS.
You cannot just keep him. That would likely be illegal.
If you want to go that route, then you must go to court and get an emergency hearing for temporary custody, so that a thorough investigation can be done, while he is in a safe place.
I have to say that it will NOT look well that your husband is just getting around to visiting his son, 6 years later. I would say that because of this there is a pretty good chance he will have to go back to his mothers.
It's possible...that the child is lying to "impress" you and your H so you and H will pay attention to him. Want him and fight to keep him.
1. You should get and enforce a CO and establish regular visitation.
2. Take the child to a counselor or a doctor, to talk to an impartial, objective manditory reporter and who is trained to investigate children without asking leading questions---parent led investigations routinely get thrown out b/c the child wants to please the parent and get the answer "right"
3. Step back and look...really look at this situation and see if this story holds water. General appearance and heath condition of the child when he came to you. Don't go only by anxiety over going home just the change alone can cause that.
4. Think about what this child might say about you and you H to his mother when he gets home. He may be lying about the other parent to make the one he's with feel better about how much he loves them by putting the parent he's not with down.
I find it odd that you're quick to call father a horrible creature but make no remark on Mom. Yes, father had the responsibility to be involved and perhaps he could've stopped the abuse sooner but the abuser is still Mom.
I could be wrong, but something about this story sounds familiar....
That said, You can't just keep him, as much as you want to. Honestly, I would also question how much of what SS is telling you is true. You said your SS is 6? That's a big age for pushing boundaries and lying/stretching the truth. You are a "stranger" who doesn't know his living situation at all, who better to play the sympathy card on for attention? Then you can "rescue" him and he gets even more attention from you and a father he's almost never seen.
And Circe, I kinda see where IE is coming from. As a military wife of a frequently deployed DH, only seeing his son a "handful" of times in 6 years is inexusable. I don't care what branch he is, they do get some time off, and if it were my DH he would be spending as much of that time as possible with his child. For him to not even keep in touch enough to know what was going on would make him partially culpable if the mom was abusing the SS.
Now, if all the stuff he is saying is true, then you can file a temporary change of custody while it's investigated. I would err on the side of caution and file, but I wouldn't be shocked if you find out SS at the very least exaggerated the situation.
Edit: and i'm curious about something, is your DH paying CS?
Ok so yah to clarify some stuff.
This might sound familiar, because I posted about it a long time ago...that DH was talkin about "rippin" DSS out of his environment. etc etc
DH has been paying child support since he left. While he was in the military and they were married, he was giving her all the BAH (Housing allowance) and child support (they had a child support order prior because they weren't married yet). He married her which mean they could get all the benefits and the BAH. Only to find out she was cheating on him with his own cousin and using the money to buy prescriptive pills and not pay the house payment. words straight out of her own brother's mouth. She doesn't deny it. DH continued to give her $1400/month for their son despite knowing this. All the way up until the divorce was final. He lost his BAH and she continued to get the original child support amount.
Yes, he did meet me, marry me, and we have a 6 month old...this all happened in 4 years time. He's very good to me and our son. I have no say in what kind of a husband he was to his last wife. I wasn't there. So no need to judge us. We have a good relationship. We are both hard working and trying to be good parents together. (and me a good stepmom - it's not easy going from mommy of a 6 month old to mom of a 10 year old boy! I don't know anything about 10 year olds!)
I TOO think it's totally inexcusable the lack of communication and effort to be in his DSS's life. And while saying that his ex was part of the reason HE chose to minimize contact is a HORRIBLE excuse, that is how he operated. BUT, he is now trying to repair what he has/hasn't done and really is trying to be a good dad. I can see it everyday. He's been taking him fishing and to the beach and spending all his time off with him. He even has started him on an allowance, which DSS has taken to very greatly. It's evident DSS is WANTING real parents. DH and I are offering this to him. DSS loves seeing me get up in the morning and loves to help get DS ready for daycare and sees me off to work and then loves to help me give DS a bath. It's evident he's craving some sort of "normal" family unit. He's craving his dad so deeply...to feel loved and wanted, which is what we are trying to do. Probably part of the reason he doesn't want to go back.
My gut is telling me that DSS is exaggerating a tadbit, but there is truth underlying to most of it. It's so hard to know who or what to believe from my shoes. DSS's mom always tries to paint a good picture and I want to believe her. DH never gives her any benefit of the doubt at all that she can change. But now with what DSS is saying.....sigh....poor lil guy. It's such crap. I want to freakin hold him and hug him forever. NO child deserves his!
I'm in touch with a LMFT (mandated child abuse reporter) to maybe meet with us and take an official statement from DSS. We don't know the 1st step to getting an emergency custody order, but going to try to find out tomorrow.
Thanks for all the helpful advice........it's SO appreciated. All the lawyers want to charge fees up front and we feel taken advantage of.
We should hear from CPS in DSS's home state within 72 hours.
Just saying TONS of prayers that God sends this in the direction it's supposed to go.
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GET A FREAKING LAWYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Most will do a free consulation, but then yes they do require a fee to retain their services. This is standard operating procedure and no one is trying to take advantage of you. You can pray all you want, but you need proper legal representation to execute those prayers.
What Paris said. It irks when people "hope God sends it in the direction it's suposed to go" and don't do anything to empower themselves.
Ah yes. Now I remember. If I recall correctly, the first time you posted you were still pregnant and were attmepting to get visitation, or having your first visit with your SS. We did not react favorably to your DH. I'm glad to see he is making an effort, but I do agree with the PP's. Take out a loan, do what you have to. Any lawyer worth his salt will require a retainer. DO YOUR RESEARCH. Find a lawyer who only deals with custody cases. IT WILL BE WORTH IT. "God helps those who help themselves"
Oh, and I don't mean this bitchy at all, but all our step children are "dear" to us. You don't need to post DSS instead of just SS. KISS. It just makes it easier when reading your posts.
Got it! Got it! and Got it!
Thanks ladies. Spoke to the LMFT today and she is onboard with meeting SS. Spoke with H today and he looked into the legal here on base and that's a no go. Looks like we will need to look into a lawyer.
Each day I get more attached to SS...I never knew I would feel like this as much as I do already. I barely know the little guy. I can't WAIT for him to meet my parents this weekend. My mom is ecstatic
Yep that was my old post..good memory gosse1km! We've definitely come a lot steps closer since then. At least we got him out here finally!
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To me it's evident that your DSS is WANTING a fishing buddy, someone to go to the beach with and an allowance. All the "fun" stuff.
Both my step kids had issues with Lying/truth stretching a while back. They would come to visitation with my DH and I and tell us how awful their mom and SD were and how they always yell at them and make them eat in the corner and make them to "slave chores" and they're never allowed outside and that their grandma on their BM's side hit them and called them names...........and then they would go back to their mom's house and say the same about us.
Turns out that when any of the adults was asking the kids to clean their rooms up they took that to be "slave chores" and that when their grandma swatted my DSS's hand because he was about to touch a hot cookie sheet to take a cookie (that he wasn't supposed to have anyway) that was her "abusing" him.
When we as parents finally sucked it up and spent some time building a civil relationship with BM, we found out that A) we don't HAVE to be at odds, and we CAN get along and
the kids were lying/truth strechting to get attention.