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Babies: 6 - 9 Months
Where should I draw the line with my SAHD?
DH is a SAHD, which I admire...but he just doesn't seem to be able to get the hang of keeping up with things. I work SOOO much that I hardly have time to spend with my LO...let alone cleaning the things I feel DH should throughout the day.
I'm not refering to "bad days," when DS makes it impossible to do anything...I understand that. But, surely every day isn't a bad day!
I come home and dishes are piled up, laundry is on every couch, chair and bed (usually dirty), food is sitting out, dirty bottles are all over the house, dirty diapers are everywhere (we use cloth). I'm willing to do my part and take on some of it, but where should I draw the line?
Once a month I use my ONLY non-working weekend to get the house clean. Within a week it's disgusting again.
Also, DS is eating from a spoon and feeding himself, but DH insists on pureeing everything and feeding it to him in a food bottle (which I don't like, but since I'm not home all the time I didn't fight). It just seems lazy.
I know he's on facebook a lot (he plays all those games), and I know he watches a lot of TV (with LO). They play otherwise, but probably half of their day is watching TV.
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Re: Where should I draw the line with my SAHD?
It sounds like it is time for a talk. I am a SAHM and when DS was younger my house was often the same. He demanded so much of my time that I just couldn't get much done.
Now that he is 6 months old though, I am able to keep on top of housework. It helps that I have a schedule. I do laundry every other day and pick up every night. Then one day I dust, one day do floors, one day vacuum, etc. That way I never feel overwhelmed trying to do everything in one day.
I don't keep the tv on when DS is awake except for about 20 minutes in the morning when I turn sprout on so I can use the bathroom, feed the dog and let her out and grab some breakfast.
Sounds like you need to sit him down and have a nice long talk. Looks to me like you have some serious issues going on..
a few of which are feeding your baby purees through a bottle, which not only is really bad for them but it's completely UNnecessary AND lazy. This, by the way you SHOULD fight about, it's not a matter of you being home or not, your child needs to be properly taught how to eat
if he was neglecting your house to play with your LO that's one thing, but if he's on facebook all day then not only is he neglecting your home but he's neglecting your LO too, another huge problem.
I'm SAHM right now while I finish mat leave, and I'll be honest, my house isn't perfect and I prioritize what I want done every day, but it sounds like this situation is above and beyond that and you need to fix it ASAP
so I say you draw the line right here.
Me: 37
DH: 36
Married: 08-25-07
DS: 11-20-09
Name change alert: Formerly Lisswastaken
When I was a SAHM, EVERY day was a "bad day." Allie is very clingy, I still have absolutely NO time when she is awake. She wants me to play with her every second. So I definitely feel for your DH, though if you know he is on FB and being lazy all day that's different.
SAH was the absolute hardest thing I've ever done, I'm not cut out for it. The idea of "me time" went totally out the window and I was stressed every minute of the day.
In the beginning the house was a mess and I hardly ever cooked. DD had horrible colic and wouldn't sleep unless on my chest. Things are much better but now I since BFP things are getting a little behind. I don't put the TV on with LO except when we sit together on the couch and watch sesame street in the morning. I play FB games but only when LO is napping.
It sounds like your DH is going through depression. Maybe he feels down about being a SAHD and the "social stigma" that sometimes creeps up. Unfortunately men grow up thinking they should "bring home the bacon."
You should sit down and talk with him. I would have drawn the line with DH long time ago when he was feeding LO purees in a bottle!
Sounds to me like he expects you to do it all. I would first throw out the baby food bottle. That is just ridiculous to have in the first place. Second I would tell him that you will do X but he has to do X.
[color=#FF0000]Mom to 5 girls 23,22,18,9,7 and one sweet Wonderboy almost 4[/color]
The Chaos of Six!
So I'm currently a SAHM because I teach and am off for the summer. I totally understand not getting things done during the day. Even on good days with my boy I sometimes just need a break so I don't want to use all the time he's asleep cleaning. However, on those days when my husband gets home I give him the baby and use the evening time to do whatever should have been accomplished during the day. That way instead of my husband coming home from work and having to clean he gets to play with the baby (which I am sometimes burnt out on by that point) and I still take care of my responsibilities.
I'd say you need to have a talk (just like everyone else said). Perhaps you can discuss which things you will take care of and which you expect him to do and then hold him to that in the evenings. You can play with the baby while he finishes what he should have done. Maybe after a while he'll start doing it during the day so ya'll can have family time at night.
Oh, and feeding from a bottle is definitely lazy and not ok. How often does your baby eat "solids"? Could you feed the solids in the morning and evening so that it's not your husband's responsibility and can get done properly?
This is kind of what I am experiencing now and I hate it. DS is very high-needs at the moment and I can sometimes barely walk two feet away without him having a meltdown and thinking I am abandoning him.
That being said, I to TRY to concentrate on one room a day so DH doesn't come home and feel like I did Jack while he was gone. The only time I really have "time" to clean is while DS is napping, and even then it has to be something that can be done quietly. On days when I can't get much done, I simply have DH watch DS once he's home and has been able to relax a bit so I can get on with whatever needs attention.
I agree with PP...time for a talk.
The whole purees in a bottle thing...totally NOT ok in my book.
I actually got back on TB to respond to this post. I was washing dishes and it was weighing on my mind, so I had to get back on to reply. Sorry, this is harsh, but there's nothing to admire about your DH being a SAHD the way he is behaving. Depression or not, it definitely sounds like he is not enjoying being a SAHD. I SAH and it can be a very lonely life - but that's no excuse for neglect. I would have a heart-to-heart with him and ask him how he feels about SAH and whether it is something he wants to continue, if this is an option for you two. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to SAH, but if there is no option for him to work right now, then the two of you must figure out a way to make him happier doing it because your LO will pay the price.
You must confront him immediately about the issues you're concerned about. Forget the house right now - you can tackle those issues if other things improve. As PPs suggested, the food bottle must go now - this is non-negotiable. The TV must also be turned off - NOW. I would be highly concerned if my LO was watching TV for half the day. Fine, a show every day is no big deal, but this is way too much and recent studies suggest that even less TV than this can be detrimental to children under two. Lastly, if he's on FB all day, then he is not providing stimulation for your child, if he's even watching him. Confront him about these issues now.
Then, figure out a way to support him finding happiness being a SAHD. Is there a SAHD group he could join? Or just a playgroup in general he could join? Could you sign LO up for classes? Maybe he's struggling to creatively fill the day - the days can be long! Maybe the two of you could map out a daily schedule that they could follow and provide a list of different activities, places to go, etc.
I would be extremely firm with the first issues mentioned but approach the conversation as supportive. Ask how you can help make things better. Hope our responses helped!