DH thinks LO is too attached — The Bump
Stay at Home Moms

DH thinks LO is too attached

I know a lot of you girls have heard this before but it's just happening to me and we've been fighting about it all day and need advice to show him.  DH thinks that DD (who is 8.5 months) is super attached to me because every time I leave the room she cries.  And every time we are out now and someone else tries to hold her she cries.  I tried telling him that it is her age and that all babies go through separation anxiety and usually prefer their mothers over strangers.  He thinks it is because I am at home with her that it's making her this way.  But I take her out to all types of social situations and let her be around different people and children.  Granted, I don't drop her off for long periods of time with anyone but I like it that way and so does she.  And she's only developed this lately, which I think is totally normal for her age and development.  My theory is that they will become attached to whoever cares for them most, and in my situation I'm glad it's ME she has separation anxiety with and not someone else because it's inevitable, all kids get it, right?  Do you think SAHMs have more issues with thier children regarding separation anxiety because they are with thier children all day?
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Re: DH thinks LO is too attached

  • She is still a baby!

     She is just getting used to this big huge world of ours and finds comfort in things that are constant- i.e. YOU! I see nothing wrong with her having separation anxiety at this time. She is still trying to figure things out- like if you leave you will come back. I think it's fine and is most likely a stage. Tell DH to back off and calm down.

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  • Around this age she is also learning object permanence I believe.  That means she is realizing that when you leave, you go somewhere else instead of just disappearing.  She probably wants to just go with you.

    I started staying home with ds around 10.5 months old.  He got really bad separation anxiety for a bit, then it got better.  He still likes to be around me most but I think that is only natural since I am with him all day long.

    May I ask what your husband is expecting/wanting you to do?  Why is it such an issue to him?  

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    Around this age she is also learning object permanence I believe.  That means she is realizing that when you leave, you go somewhere else instead of just disappearing.  She probably wants to just go with you.

    I started staying home with ds around 10.5 months old.  He got really bad separation anxiety for a bit, then it got better.  He still likes to be around me most but I think that is only natural since I am with him all day long.

    May I ask what your husband is expecting/wanting you to do?  Why is it such an issue to him?  

    I'm not so sure what his motive is for all of this.  He loves that I am SAH with her right now while she's so young but I think he thinks that I am raising her to be too dependent.  It doesn't help that at a barbeque at a friends house today this woman I don't even know came up to me and said that I needed to "get her used to other people" because she was crying when other people were trying to hold her.  I pretty much told her to go to hell but he agrees with her.  I don't think he understands child psychology and had no clue what object permanance even was until I made him look up what separation anxiety was!  Don't get me wrong, he's great with LO and loves her insanely but he has never had any experience with children until we had DD.  I just want to make sure with all of you other SAHM who are in the same boat as me, that you have been through this and I want him to see that just because I'm a SAHM that doesn't mean that I am causing separation anxiety.   Thanks so much for your replies so far, girls!!!! 

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  • She'll get over it.  DS is Mr. Independent now but knows exactly where his safe place is to go back to and that I am never too far behind.  She's still so young that I really wouldn't think much about it.  I know sometimes it can be frustrating, like when you want to use the bathroom in peace, but then she will get to the point she wants to try to do everything on her own with no help and you will both miss those days.  I already do.

    For now, tell your dh that you are such a good mommy and she loves you so much that she just can't bear to be away from you Big Smile

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  • I think you are exactly right on all points. It's normal and GOOD for her to want you.

    I've e-mailed DH links to sites on child development. I can't get him to read a book, but a short article does the trick.

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  • We haven't really dealt with this too much, the only time he has this is when I go to leave the house with out him but just when I am leaving him with DH. 

     

  • Separation anxiety is 100% normal and to be expected at that age, SAHM or not.  Send him info about child development.
  • It's definitely a stage-- especially at 8.5 months!

    I always met my DD in her need (meaning-- if she wanted me I was there for her...stopped what I was doing and gave her my full attention until she was ready to go off by herself-- and if that didn't happen for days or weeks that was okay).  Now, she is little miss social-- and has been since about 11 months.  She was learning to trust me and now we have a great (secure) bond.  It's wonderful.  Keep up the good work & tell DH (and random strangers) to read some books on child development.  

    There are kids who have more 'stranger anxiety' than others-- and I think it's more of a personality thing than a SAH thing...because you see it w/ WM kids too. 

  • Perhaps you could explain to him that being "too attached" is good.  It is a perfectly normal developmental stage.  If he wasn't attached, you should be very concerned.  Training them not to be attached at this age is ridiculous in my mind.  My son is 16 months and cries everytime I leave the room.  He is fine for his regular sitter and the gym sitters, but that is a fairly new development and he has his sister too. 
  • This is a normal phase ALL children go through.  Definitely don't feed into it.  Continue to expose her to people, go out and leave her with sitters that she knows.  It will pass over time.  Even my working friends had problems with this at some point or another but the separation anxiety was towards the daycare workers and not them(now wouldn't that be a blow to a parent's ego).   

  • My DS goes to daycare each day and he cries if anyone leaves the room even if it is only the postman who he has just met!!!!  I wouldn't worry about it.I find that if anyone says "Bye Bye" he starts to cry but if they say something else eg" I'll see you later" he is fine.

  • Your DH needs to relax a bit with his thinking. It is a phase.

    I wouldn't worry about what "other" people are saying.

    I have 3 kids. DD#1 was the WORST with separation anxiety. It started with her around 3 months old and didn't "end" until she was 2.5. You would NEVER know that she had any separation anxiety at all since she is very independent and has no issues being left with others. In fact, it's kind of freaky that she did such a 180.

    DD#2 is easy going and she did have separation anxiety, but I could have others hold her.

    DS is my MOST relaxed and laid back kid. No issues. BUT, he is VERY attached to me. He is the most attached out of my 3. I can leave him with anyone. He will cry hysterically for about 10 seconds, then be fine.....

    GL and hang in there......it does get easier! I think as long as you are comfortable with what you are doing and you are "trying" to leave your daughter with others/by herself then you are fine.

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  • Separation anxiety is supposed to start around 9 months, so your DD is right on schedule.

    If you want to read about the scientific (brain development) reasons for her feeling so attached to you right now, you might read a book like The Attachment Connection.  It's fantastic for her in the long run that you're developing such a strong bond!  I'm glad you told the woman at the party to go to hell--why would it be okay to teach her that she should "behave" and let other people hold her when she doesn't feel comfortable?  (Is that really a long-term lesson your DH wants her to learn about affection and her own emotions?)

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