Know what I hate? (vent) — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Know what I hate? (vent)

I hate the fact I was so excited about my pregnancy I told people and now when I see them they ask the nice question of how I'm feeling and how's the baby. The thing I hate most is the answer I have to give them.  The baby is no more. I miscarried. and that horrible pitying look that they give me sucks. Yes. It sucked.  Yes. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.  and NO i don't want to talk about it with you. 

I work at a preschool. Found out I was pregnant before we got out for the summer.  miscarried 1 week into summer vacation and now i'm seeing my coworkers all over town.  ugh.

Next time. I'm keeping my mouth shut. 

Re: Know what I hate? (vent)

  • I'm with you.  It sucks when people ask, but their understanding and support helped me heal.  For a while I felt remorse about telling people and imagined them saying "That's why you wait to tell", but now I can care less about what people think.  I also was excited and shared the news and it didn't change the love I felt or the outcome of the pregnancy.  

     Sorry you are dealing with this. =(

    image Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Every night I prayed for you. Then when you were in my belly, I prayed harder. Now that you're in my arms, I pray even harder.
  • I feel the same way.  We miscarried at 12w3d.  I had finally told three of my closest friends literally the day before we miscarried.  I hate that I had to then tell them, essentially "oh, never mind."  It was awful and I cannot stand the "omg, I am so sorry!  How are you?"   I know they mean well, but how do you think I am? 

     I have to go to work this afternoon and I am just dreading it for this reason. 

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  • I'm so sorry for your loss. There are advantages to not telling anyone, that's for sure. I told my best friend & mom early on but we weren't going to tell anyone else until our NT scan at 12 weeks. So when we got bad news, I only had 2 people to call. Well, unfortunately my mom had blabbed (she lives in another state) so she got to un-tell god knows how many people. Next time I don't even think I'll tell my own mother.
    Forty-something TTC since 12/2007 3 failed IVFs DE cycle #1: BFP then D&E at 12 weeks due to neural tube defect DE cycle #2: Chemical FET #1: BFN Lining issues, pursuing adoption
  • I hear you.  We told no one we were pg and did not tell anyone about my m/c but for my managing partner when I was actually having the m/c (and only to explain why I was disappearing from the office for appts and taking off the day of the d&c). 

    I know that makes for less support after the m/c, but I am glad in a weird way that I didn't have to explain it to everyone and rehash it when I did not feel ready to. I did finally tell 3 of my best friends about the m/c last week.  They were super supportive but honestly I don't know if that will change how we kept things to ourselves should we buy lucky enough to be successful TTC.  


    BFP #1 5/2010 - Missed m/c at 8 weeks
    BFP #2 2/2011
    Baby G welcomed with love and relief 10/2011
    Surprise BFP 1/8/2013...say what? Baby A arrived 9/2013

    Motherhood is not for wimps


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  • Yes, the "un-telling" is one of the hardest parts. When my doctor told me that I had less than 1% chance of m/c when we heard the hb for the second time at 10 weeks, I started finally feeling comfortable with telling people. Unfortunately, I found out I had lost the baby exactly one week later. It really sucks. Next time I don't think I'm going to tell anybody until after its born.
    married 09.06.08
    BFP #1 - m/c on 12.22.09 @ 8w3d
    BFP #2 - d&c on 07.22.10 @11w1d
    BFP #3 - DS born on 06.22.11 @41w3d!
    BFP #4 - Due 04.24.13
  • Yes, I am with you ikissedthe.... Right now I don't feel like telling anyone until after I give birth!!! This is horrible. First we only told my parents and DH's parents, but then more and more people found out and now we have to un-tell :(
  • It's a tough lesson to learn, and I didn't get it after my first loss.  I blabbed to everyone about this pregnancy about 2 weeks after I found out.

    I don't know.  I hate lying or "ignoring" my pregnancy (when I thought it was viable); I feel like I owed it to the baby to share our joy with everyone.

    Never again; parents only next time.

  • I'm so, so with you. The next time around I'm not telling anyone until we make it WELL beyond the first trimester. We were supposed to hit the 12 week mark last Tuesday so I tol my boss and started feeling comfortable telling people the week before, especially since we'd heard the heartbeat at 8 weeks and were told that there was less than a 5% chance of a miscarriage after that. We're both healthy as horses and I'm 28 years old for crying out loud. You'd think we would have been in the clear, but not so much. I literally had to "untell" people days after telling them and I still don't even know who all knows because my MIL has a big mouth. We asked our parents to keep the news confined to immediate family only until they heard otherwise from us so imagine my surprise last week when I got a call from my husband's aunt expressing her sympathies. DH's has a huge family of extremely fertile people so Thanksgiving is going to be a real treat this year. I know don't if I'll be able to stand all the "I'm sorries" and pitying glances.
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