big time vent & need advice! (long!) — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

big time vent & need advice! (long!)

I am so irritated right now. I'm not sure if irritated is the right word... im pretty much just upset.

I can't remember if I've posted about this before, but to share some backstory, We are friends with a couple who is due in December. Her due date is actually a day away from what Olivia's was. When they shared with us that they were pregnant, we acted excited and said "CONGRATULATIONS"... and they were not excited. at all. Their pregnancy was unplanned. So was ours. However, we accepted immediately after seeing the BFP that we were about to be parents, and we were excited right away. We weren't as "ready" financially as we would have liked to have been, but we knew we could do it, and we were happy about it. Over the past 4 months, they have done NOTHING but complain. They started calling the baby "he" from the beginning, saying that they "wouldn't" have a girl.

I was hoping hoping hoping they were right, and that it would be a boy... partly because this is one of my fiance's best friends from high school, and the other best friend and his wife already have a son that was born in April. Olivia was supposed to be the little girl best friend of their son.. our pregnancies overlapped and we were so excited to have kids at the same time so that they could grow up together. But OF COURSE, these friends are having a girl. Now, they are referring to her as "it", even though she has a name (weird, right?). Now we have to more than likely watch her grow up playing with our other friends' baby... where Olivia should have been. But I've been sucking it up, and not complaining because really... what can ya do?

BUT it gets worse! Yesterday while I was at work, kurt went boating with this couple. He found out that his friend's fiance has an enlarged placenta  blocking her cervix, and will have to have a c-section. She's supposed to be on bed rest (but is boating!?!?), and they won't deliver the baby anytime past 34 weeks. Her doctors told her that depending on how things go, they may have to deliver her at TWENTY SIX weeks, or somewhere in between. As we all know, 26 weeks meens teeny tiny NICU baby.

I know it sounds selfish, and I would never wish bad things on ANYONE, i don't want anyone to go through what we've gone through, but it will be so hard for me to see this baby, if she is born that early, being in the NICU for weeks, and then getting to come home. I know her parents will love her and they'll probably adjust to being parents and do just fine, but I just keep thinking "WTF, they don't even want this baby".

In addition to that, Kurt asked her if she was scared about that. She said, "the only thing I can think about is what kind of horrible scar i'm going to have". KNSGKNDSGL:KSNGk SERIOUSLY!?? I just want to grab her by the shoulders and shake some sense into her. How does she not realize how serious this is. STOP going boating on the lake, go home, and freaking take care of yourself! read some pregnancy books for God's sake. We see these people all the time, and I just don't know how to cope with hanging out with them anymore. I've been trying to be really positive while talking to them, acting like i'm really excited... I guess because I'm hoping that they'll jump on the bandwagon and actually be excited that they're having a baby, but I can't handle the negativity about it anymore. I'm to the point where I feel like next time we're together and she says something awful, I feel like I need to say something to her, but I don't know how to say it without being offensive. They supported us through our loss and came to the funeral, I just don't know how they can sit and look us in the eyes and tell us all about how awful it is that they're having a child. Any advice?

 ((sorry this is so long, and sorry if this offends anyone!)

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Re: big time vent & need advice! (long!)

  • I'm sorry. And we all need to vent sometimes.
    My Blog PM me to read my blog BFP 12/22/09 natural m/c 2/20/10 12 weeks 1 day Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • chusumchusum member
    Vent away, sometimes the people that seem to not deserve to be parents get the opportunity. Makes you want to yell & scream that the world is not fair!

    Married August 9, 2008
    TTC Since September 2009

    1st   BFP | EDD 10/23/10 | Natural M/C 03/27/10 | 10w 0d
    2nd BFP 06/26/10 | EDD 02/25/11 | Natural  M/C 07/17/10 | 8w 1d
    3rd  BFP 12/17/10 | EDD 08/24/11 | Natural M/C 12/31/10 | 7w 4d
    4th  BFP 06/22/11 | EDD 02/25/12 | M/C D&C on 07/27/11 | 9w4d
    5th  BFP 09/17/11 | DD Paige Lily born 05/16/12
    6th  BFP 08/11/12 | EDD 04/11/13 | CP
    7th  BFP 09/29/13 | EDD 06/04/14 | Natural M/C 10/27/13 | 8w1d
    8th  BFP 12/16/13 | EDD 09/01/14

    DX: Pericentric Inversion of Chromosome 8 & compound heterozygous for MTHFR mutations
    RX: Lovenox/Heparin & Folgard


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  • How frustrating! Anytime I hear about or see someone complain about having a baby, I want to shake them and say "if you can't appreciate what a beautiful gift motherhood is, then give your baby to someone who will" i actually talk to the tv when i watch 16 & pregnant Embarrassed
    Married 11/08/08 TTC since 2009 MC 3/22/10 at 9w4d MC 7/20/10 at 6w5d Homeowners since 2/24/11 BFP Father's Day 6/19/11 Pregnancy Ticker Psalm 139:13,15-16 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb... You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.
  • Wow.  Unbelievable.  I'm not sure that there's much you can say to a couple who's baby girl they call 'it'.  Good luck with the situation.
  • Honestly, I would limit my time with them.  Supporting you through your loss would include being sensitive even now and understanding that the last thing you want to hear is their unhappiness at having a child.

    Also, I wouldn't worry about offending them the next time they say something insensitive.  What they need is your perspective on things, which would hopefully shock them out of their bad attitudes and make them be grateful with what they have.

    Kelly, Mom to Christopher Shannon 9.27.06, Catherine Quinn 2.24.09, Trey Barton lost on 12.28.09, Therese Barton lost on 6.10.10, Joseph Sullivan 7.23.11, and our latest, Victoria Maren 11.15.12

    Secondary infertility success with IVF, then two losses, one at 14 weeks and one at 10 weeks, then success with IUI and then just pure, crazy luck.  Expecting our fifth in May as the result of a FET.

    This Cluttered Life

  • Oh my gosh!! I can't believe they're being so insensitive in front of you. Like pp said you should not worry about offending them next time because they are offending you in the worst way! I can't believe they have said those things in front of you and DH. You are very strong because I would have already gave them a piece of my mind! Sending you lots of ((hugs)) Betsy.
    BabyFetus Ticker
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

  • Vent away!  That has got to be the most frustrating things to have to listen to.  You're a way better person than I am.  I don't think I could sit there listen to another person complain about the baby they're having.  And as someone who's had 3 placental abruptions ( ds was an abruption also, but it wasn't so bad that we lost him, he spent 5 weeks in the nicu)  She better start to heed her doctor's advice.  The bad thing about placental problems, is that they can be your absolute worst nightmare really fast.   I wish I had been monitored more carefully and placed on bedrest.  I know these are your friends, but people like this make me sick.
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