Down in the dumps ... just need to vent

B&C03 · July 2010

DH and I are supposed to TTC #2 next week but I am so depressed that I have not been able to find a job. We really want a second child and have been relying on DH job and savings as a cushion. I know that we will burn through our savings soon and have tried to make many cutbacks. It is hard finding a job without a long commute and one that pays enough to pay for good childcare for DS (8 months old) ... and eventually baby #2. Part time will not work because DH comes home too late from his job at night for me to take a night job.

I'm scared because I will be turning 40 in a few months and do not want to put off TTC any longer.

robynlesley · July 2010

I realize you just want to vent so I feel a bit badly for saying this. Here's my unpopular opinion: If you cannot afford a 2nd child, do not have one. I know that sounds harsh and I don't mean to hurt you, but it seems to me that you need to be in better financial shape to have a second child.

The age of 40 is not a end to your fertility. Why rush? See how things are in a year's time and hopefully you'll be in a different place.

I do understand the desire for more children but I guess I'm practical, too. You need to be able to provide for the child you have and if you and/or your DH are working nights and two jobs, you won't be around to see the son you already have.

I wish you peace with whatever decision you make.

fiazo · July 2010

Alot of women do get pregnant after 40. But if you definitely want another child I can understand your discouragement right now. Your financial situation has time to change. Your odds getting pregnant every year decrease. If you definitely want another you will have to make sacrifices but at least it's not something you'll regret for the rest of your life.

My parents had 5 of us & they had to sacrifice alot but we were never on welfare, we always had a roof over our heads & food to eat. They never went on vacations, never went out to eat until we got older & took them. They bought what they needed, not what they wanted. They came here from another country so they never knew any other way. If it were me in their shoes, no I cannot deal with a life without vacations or dinner once in a while, but I'd find ways to make it work.

B&C03 · July 2010

fiazo:
Alot of women do get pregnant after 40. But if you definitely want another child I can understand your discouragement right now. Your financial situation has time to change. Your odds getting pregnant every year decrease. If you definitely want another you will have to make sacrifices but at least it's not something you'll regret for the rest of your life.

My parents had 5 of us & they had to sacrifice alot but we were never on welfare, we always had a roof over our heads & food to eat. They never went on vacations, never went out to eat until we got older & took them. They bought what they needed, not what they wanted. They came here from another country so they never knew any other way. If it were me in their shoes, no I cannot deal with a life without vacations or dinner once in a while, but I'd find ways to make it work.

I do not mean to disagree with Robyn but finding a way to make it work is what works with me. Since DH and I have been married, we have paid our credit cards in full - never had a balance. We own our home and have excellent credit. We have not even touched what we have in retirement. Yes, 40 does not mean my fertility ends and I got pregnant with Robert the first try it is just that what if it does not happen right away again, what if it takes six months ... a year ... then I will be lamenting as why we did not try in August 2010. As I get older I seem to realize that life is nothing but one big gamble. You can only "plan" so much.

robynlesley · July 2010

Disagree away ... I truly hope you find a way to have the larger family you desire.

And I do understand, actually. DH and I could not afford ONE child but we had him anyway. We're struggling badly, which is why WE are stopping at one. But that's us.

I hope you're able to conceive easily and that you find a new job that is not too far from home.

M.Amy · July 2010

I am really sorry. It sounds like you are in a difficult situation in terms of what you want for your family and what seems possible.

I do agree with Robyn's assessment. You need to either make a major lifestyle change to decrease expenses, wait to have another baby, or decide that one is enough.

Have you considered being a SATM? That way you do not need to afford daycare.

I really do hope you are able to do what feels right for you and your husband.

rsd12 · July 2010

I am with the school of thought that you will find a way to make it work! We have & originally I did not want kids (that is until I met my husband ; ) Our first was born with a birth defect but it just helped us want another child, right before our 2nd was born I was laid off from my job.. we decided that since I was home, we decided we wanted to have the third baby quickly again!

Yes, it is hard.. we live to a budget & are counting down the days till they are in school so I can go back to work. But it is worth every penny pinched to share our life with them! Honestly the best thing that helped us was having the budget!

Piranha54 · July 2010

I'm not going to weigh in on the finances and a 2nd child - that's your decision and I'm sure you know what your gut is telling you

But I will tell you that I got pregnant at 41 and had a relatively healthy pregnancy (had bad MS the whole 9 months) and a healthy baby, so if you delay, it's not the end of your fertility!

NewMrs07 · July 2010

I have the same issues going on and I was actually feeling exactly like you yesterday. I have my good days and a few bad days. Luckily I'm trying to be positive and DH always gives me a pep talk when I'm feeling low.

DH is working FT but his salary is not enough for me to be a full-time SAHM. I also want to feel productive and I like bringing home money. But I haven't found anything yet, so I'm not sure how things will pan out. We're also dipping into savings but we don't want to use it all up. All this is why DH is not crazy about TTC #2 right now. I would be cool with waiting 2 years if I was younger, but I can't wait.

So I hear you, I'm in the same boat. If you want to chat more, feel free to PM me Left Hug

stever · July 2010

M.Amy:
I am really sorry. It sounds like you are in a difficult situation in terms of what you want for your family and what seems possible.
I do agree with Robyn's assessment. You need to either make a major lifestyle change to decrease expenses, wait to have another baby, or decide that one is enough.
Have you considered being a SATM? That way you do not need to afford daycare.
I really do hope you are able to do what feels right for you and your husband.

I agree with Robyn and Amy. I think waiting until you're a bit more secure is a good idea.

Good luck with whatever you choose though!

maryenap · July 2010

Listen to your gut as to what to do. Best of luck with your decision. I hope you feel better soon:)

pahokie · July 2010

The decision regarding TTC #2 is up to you and DH.

Regarding the money concerns, check out the money matters board on the nest. The women there are excellent at trimming the fat out of a budget.

What part of you budget is hurting you the most? Can you watch another child in your home? Can you take in a roommate? When you say cutbacks, have you reduced or eliminated cable, internet, cell phones, netflix, gym memberships, housekeeping or lawn services, eating out, buying new clothes, drycleaning, and a bunch of other stuff I'm sure I can't remember?

GL!

B&C03 · July 2010

pahokie:
The decision regarding TTC #2 is up to you and DH.
Regarding the money concerns, check out the money matters board on the nest. The women there are excellent at trimming the fat out of a budget.
What part of you budget is hurting you the most? Can you watch another child in your home? Can you take in a roommate? When you say cutbacks, have you reduced or eliminated cable, internet, cell phones, netflix, gym memberships, housekeeping or lawn services, eating out, buying new clothes, drycleaning, and a bunch of other stuff I'm sure I can't remember?
GL!

Well, we have basic cable, basic cell phone plans DH gets a break with his employer on this, we eat out once every other week, I have bought myself may 3 outfits (no shoes) - some with a gift card this year, DH does the lawn, I clean the house myself, we have one TV. We had to get a second basic Honda CR-V because DH needs the older car to take to the station. Watching another child - I would have to consider that - not sure if I am ready to do that with someone else's child.

NewMrs07 · July 2010

B&C03:
pahokie:
The decision regarding TTC #2 is up to you and DH.
Regarding the money concerns, check out the money matters board on the nest. The women there are excellent at trimming the fat out of a budget.
What part of you budget is hurting you the most? Can you watch another child in your home? Can you take in a roommate? When you say cutbacks, have you reduced or eliminated cable, internet, cell phones, netflix, gym memberships, housekeeping or lawn services, eating out, buying new clothes, drycleaning, and a bunch of other stuff I'm sure I can't remember?
GL!
Well, we have basic cable, basic cell phone plans DH gets a break with his employer on this, we eat out once every other week, I have bought myself may 3 outfits (no shoes) - some with a gift card this year, DH does the lawn, I clean the house myself, we have one TV. We had to get a second basic Honda CR-V because DH needs the older car to take to the station. Watching another child - I would have to consider that - not sure if I am ready to do that with someone else's child.

Sounds like you're doing all you can with your current income, so I think the best thing is to find part-time work. But you have to make sure you don't spend as much in daycare as the money you make, otherwise what's the point. GL and I hope you find something soon!

Peppernut · July 2010

I don't have any advice, just sympathy and virtual ice cream. You have a choice of milk chocolate/guinness, pear/caramel with chopped up candied ginger, or apricot.

B&C03 · July 2010

Peppernut:
I don't have any advice, just sympathy and virtual ice cream. You have a choice of milk chocolate/guinness, pear/caramel with chopped up candied ginger, or apricot.

Sounds yummy .. I will have it all! I know ... it is a choice that only DH and I could make I just needed to vent. Thank you all!

NJJune2009bride · July 2010

M.Amy:
I am really sorry. It sounds like you are in a difficult situation in terms of what you want for your family and what seems possible.
I do agree with Robyn's assessment. You need to either make a major lifestyle change to decrease expenses, wait to have another baby, or decide that one is enough.
Have you considered being a SATM? That way you do not need to afford daycare.
I really do hope you are able to do what feels right for you and your husband.

I have been a SATM - if you also read the later posts we have been very frugal with our expenses. How much more can we cut back- get rid of the TV/ Cable all together and just have a cell phone?trash the second car and have my husband walk to and from the 1.5 mile walk to the station in the morning and at night ... never mind the snow and rain? I'm am just so disgusted with the economy.

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