Derailed today and venting

millejj1 · July 2010

So this is going to be long and totally a vent, so hopefully I don?t offend any I truly don?t mean to. It?s getting close to the six month anniversary of our loss and my EDD so I?m already a little tweaked, and as usual my job is more stressful and less efficient than it needs to be and I can't change things so I can see why I?m being moody but it isn?t helping make it go away.

I?ve been doing great IMO with all the pregnancy announcements and new babies showing up. Like most of you, I?m also surrounded by pregnant women and new moms. I had gotten comfortable with where I was and how things were going, or so I thought. Looking back the trainwreck started when a dear friend of mine from elementary school announced she was pregnant with baby number two. I took it in stride, was honestly excited and went about life. Shortly afterwards, her sister announced that her and her husband were having a boy, their first. I let that roll of my back too.

Then yesterday another dear friend of mine from elementary school announced they were also expecting number two. Both girls have the perfect fairy tale story of marrying their high school sweetheart, graduating college and finding a great job, and then starting the perfect white picket fence family. I don?t want it to sound like I?m mad at them as I?m not, I adore them both and am happy for them. We?ve been friends for so long that I can?t imagine them not in my life and I understand that their lives aren?t all puppies and rainbows, but in this moment I?m insanely jealous. Neither of them have been AW?s about it, and were rather subtle. The first didn?t even tell us directly, her mom saw my mom and told her once she decided to let the world know before she had a chance to call me, and the second changed her facebook profile pic to her son wearing a shirt saying I?m going to be a big brother, but didn?t say anything directly and neither have posted anything in their statuses or on their walls.

The last one derailed me, and then broke me, shattered me rather. I?ve been struggling with self doubt and feeling like I should be doing more, achieving more, and further along in my life and career the past few days so that was the icing on the cake. I felt like a rock bottom total failure that couldn?t move anything in life forward successfully. I put on the tough girl face, pulled myself together and told myself that I was so fortunate in other areas that I shouldn?t be spending time being negative like that and made it through the day without having a total breakdown. DH and I were talking last night and he was talking about the things he was concerned about with his school, possibly needing to relocate, and new employment. I felt horrible already and didn?t say anything to him, and then when he let out what he was worrying him I just felt worse. The fact that I can?t just fix everything for him sucked and just jumped on with all the other things I was already struggling with.

After that, out it came, he tried to make me feel better and told that me things didn?t need to happen that way and that the path we are taking is ours and I shouldn?t feel pressured to fix everything and have the ?perfect life.? He also said that it is ok for me to still be upset, and I should be, it?s only been six months but I can?t seem to shake that feeling of failure all the way around. I?m so thankful for him and his compassion and understanding with the whole situation. I?d be looney for sure by now without him.

Part of me still gets mad at myself when I get upset about my m/c. This part truly isn?t meant to offend of flaunt that I was once a FH, but DH and I weren?t trying to get pregnant when we found out, in fact we were TTA. So then when we found out and lost it so quickly, I really struggled with grieving at all and placed all of the blame entirely on myself. I was still on bcp, my diet was wrong and my job is way to much stress. I felt like I didn?t deserve to grief for a baby we weren?t planning and didn?t know about long. I finally allowed myself to recognize that it was a real situation and that I was a mom the minute I found out, but I still find myself getting angry and frustrated with myself for being upset about it, especially six months later, and feeling even more like a failure for not being able to handle it. It?s like a never ending vicious cycle. Ugh. Are other ladies that had surprise pregnancies having the same issue?

I?ve totally secluded myself in my office today and am doing the best I can to just focus on what I have to do, but it?s hard and well sucks. I keep coming so close to just breaking down and crying that it?s making for a no fun day. Sorry it?s so long, but you ladies are the only ones I knew would come close to understanding. Thanks for letting me vent.

jms2005 · July 2010

(((Hugs))) sweetheart. I wish there was something I could say to make it better, but it just sucks. It sounds like you have a wonderful husband. Just keep talking through things and allow yourself to be sad when you need to.

cutebride73 · July 2010

((((((hugs)))))) It's okay to vent - we have all been there. And you have every right to grieve for as long as you want and need to. Whether the baby was planned or not makes no difference. I am so glad that your H is so supportive to you - that is wonderful. I think we have all been down the "I'm such a failure" road - I know I have. And yes, it helps to try to focus on the positive and to be grateful for what we have, but sometimes it just sucks no matter what. Losing a baby is a terrible, awful thing no matter when it happens. You have to let it out - it does no good to bottle it up inside. I am sorry that you are in this rough place right now, I have to believe that it will get better for you (for all of us).

hbkises · July 2010

**hugs** please vent away..we've all been there..I wish I knew what to say

damabo80 · July 2010

Hugs. It sucks and it hurts.

MCH77 · July 2010

((HUGS))

Honestly it is all just too much at times. It is ok to have an off day, don't beat yourself up. It stinks.

millejj1 · July 2010

Thanks so much ladies, you are all amazing!

bleujoli · July 2010

Aw, I'm so sorry you're having such an awful day. I can really relate to the "I shouldn't feel so bad still" feeling. I feel like since I pretty much knew my pregnancy was doomed as soon as I found out I was pregnant (it started with pain and bleeding, then came the positive test) that I shouldn't be so shooken up over it (or that I have a right to be, considering how devestating some of the losses for other women on here have been). But its ok to feel like everything is gone wrong and its ok not to take all the good news of the people around you in stride. It's great that you are happy for those around you who've gotten pregnant, but its ok to be jealous and upset too.

I agree with the other ladies, it sounds like you have a wonderful DH. Keep him close and treasure the happy moments and let yourself mourn when you are sad. ((hugs))

owenst · July 2010

I'm sorry there is so much piled on at one time. {{hugs}}

AGFaso · July 2010

I'm sorry babe, and yes, I feel the same way (2nd last paragraph) I wasn't TTA but we were'nt really trying either. I was off bcp, but we got KU right away, literally had sex twice and I was pregnant. After I came on this board, I almost felt like my loss wasn't as "bad" as some other laides and felt guilty for it. I know it seems silly now, a loss is a loss, no one is easier than another. ((((( Hugs )))))

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