BD issues - possibly TMI and definitely long

bleujoli · July 2010

So ladies, I'd love to get some advice or just hear from any of you that you've had a similar experience. DH and I are on our first cycle TTC again. I've been super excited that my 3 months of healing are over and have been blabbing on and on to DH about it.

The issue is 2 out of the 3 times we've BD'd he couldn't orgasm. We've had this issue before. He's always lasted forever. And when he was put on some medication for depression/anxiety issues he was having about 2 years ago, it caused him more trouble climaxing. It was only after a lot of patience that we got him mentally past the worry of having an orgasm that he now has no problem.

After I healed from surgery from the removal of my ectopic, sex was amazing! (I think he missed me!) And only now that I mentioned that we've been ok'd by the doctor to TTC again, has this problem popped back up. Last night he said he felt pressured. Don't get me wrong, he is also ecstatic about trying again and really does want to have children, but he is so worried about "fertilizing" me that he's concentrating on that more than the lovemaking.

This is why I've avoided charting for so long and for the first few months of TTC I didn't even use OPKs. I really would like to start charting so that I know my body better, but I know that'd put even more pressure on him.

This just plain sucks. And I broke down into tears last night wishing that our baby would've just made it down to my uterus and we could've been happily expecting and making love just for the sake of making love. It's been almost a month since I cried about the loss, but this triggered a lot of the emotions to come back. I don't know how some of you amazing women do it... from the moment I found out I was pregnant I knew something was wrong and the loss was still devastating for me. You ladies are so strong who've gone through so much more than I have.

Ugh, I've gone off tangent, but I'm in vent mode. It sucks to be this depressed on a Friday morning.

LeesMyBaby · July 2010

I'm sorry you're going through this. I learned my lesson.... I don't even mention it when it's that time. I found out dh is less likely to BD if he knows it's for a purpose...even though he wants another baby as well, it's like it's a turn off for him.

millejj1 · July 2010

I don't have any words of wisdom, but I wanted to send you a hug and tell you I hope it works out!

shouldbworkin · July 2010

(((hugs))) I can imagine that is incredibly frustrating. I agree with the PP, don't mention it and don't let him see the OPKs. Just business as usual. ;-)

Dawneecakes · July 2010

I am so glad that my DH isn't the only one stressed about this!! I was debating on posting this a few days ago asking if anyone else was in the same boat but I was a little embarrassed. We have never had this problem until now. DH told me he thinks he is so worried about not being able to orgasm and that is what he is worried about so about half the time we do try all he is thinking about is whether or not and hoping he can "finish". It has also been our first month TTCAL and I think I definitely put more pressure on him then I should have. I don't really have any suggestions since I am in the same situation except that I am trying not to talk about it with him and hopefully the problem just goes away.

bleujoli · July 2010

Dawneecakes:
I am so glad that my DH isn't the only one stressed about this!! I was debating on posting this a few days ago asking if anyone else was in the same boat but I was a little embarrassed. We have never had this problem until now. DH told me he thinks he is so worried about not being able to orgasm and that is what he is worried about so about half the time we do try all he is thinking about is whether or not and hoping he can "finish". It has also been our first month TTCAL and I think I definitely put more pressure on him then I should have. I don't really have any suggestions since I am in the same situation except that I am trying not to talk about it with him and hopefully the problem just goes away.

I'm glad I'm not the only one either! I talked to him about it last night and he says he'd rather that we just don't worry about it. It sucks because I think about it so much and really like to talk to him about things. Not sure if I can completely give up testing, etc. And I'd really like to know if I am ovulating, so charting was something I was really wanting to start.

I think maybe I should just follow shouldbeworkin's advice and hide the OPK's from him. I'm just worried if I try to get him to BD around the time I should be ovulating that he might still get anxious, even if I don't mention it. Maybe the best course of action is to not instigate any sexy time and just let him do it. (Usually happens every day anyway, haha) But lately I've been like "let's jump into the sack!" I can understand how that is intimidating.

awesome-sauce · July 2010

I've been super excited that my 3 months of healing are over and have been blabbing on and on to DH about it.

He has performance issues that you are aware of, bringing attention to the fact that you are ready to get it on like donky kong is not going to help him, ya know? Don't do the above and tell him you just want to relax and let things happen as they happen. (Business as usual as PP said.) It doesn't mean you can't keep your OPK's hidden from him though! Devil

awesome-sauce · July 2010

Also, this kind of thing reminds me of people with stage fright. It's anxiety over something. It's nothing to be embarrased about PP!

*Hugs*

bleujoli · July 2010

awesome-sauce:

I've been super excited that my 3 months of healing are over and have been blabbing on and on to DH about it.

He has performance issues that you are aware of, bringing attention to the fact that you are ready to get it on like donky kong is not going to help him, ya know? Don't do the above and tell him you just want to relax and let things happen as they happen. (Business as usual as PP said.) It doesn't mean you can't keep your OPK's hidden from him though!

For some reason I thought he was over the performance issue (it's been a long time since we've had this problem) so I didn't really think of it. But you are totally right, it's a lot of pressure on him and I think he really is worried about getting pregnant more than he is enjoying the moment. I definitely don't want that! It's probably better for me to relax too, but I've got to many OPK's to waste! haha

elisbu · July 2010

When we first talked about kids and I showed my husband my awesome chart on FF(our BFP chart) my DH looked me in the eye and said " I do NOT want this to turn into a science project!"

So my plan is: I chart, I take OPK's, I check my panties for EWCM, but I don't tell him! I usually make a move on him a few times a month, just so it's not always him, but I don't always do it right around O time, I do it right after my period, or I tell him "AF is due soon, that means off limits for a week..." then he gets the hint that I want some.

I think if you mix it up and make sure you are the one hitting on him, even when he knows there is not chance in heck you can get pregnant (the day AF leaves town) he might start to notice that youdon't only want to 'hit the sack' for three days in the middle of your cycle.

rock-elle · July 2010

I'm sorry hon! Does your H have a 'weak spot' for something like a little 'oral stimulation' or sexytime undies? Whatever his is if he has one then I say go for the gold to give him a little encouragement during FWP time.

I feel like thats probably stupid advice to give though since I'm sure you've already exhausted that. I also would think to vote keeep all ttcal related stuff away from him, but on the other hand I don't think you should have to go through all this alone, you should be able to talk to him about this...

OK so my post was probably worthless, I'm trying to help, but I am just contradicting myself now Embarrassed sorry. **big hugs**

bleujoli · July 2010

elisbu:

When we first talked about kids and I showed my husband my awesome chart on FF(our BFP chart) my DH looked me in the eye and said " I do NOT want this to turn into a science project!"

Hubby is like that exactly, haha. I was hoping he wouldn't feel like I was only coming on to him during O time. One of the times we had trouble was immediatley after my period and I told him I wasn't fertile yet. And of course some of our wonderful moments before we have started TTC were initiated by me as well.

I think he really is just really wanting to "fertilize me" and he's obsessing over it, haha. Which to some degree is sweet, but I'd much rather have fun BD time! Making sure I mix it up is probably a really good idea. It's a little hard not to come at him 3 days in a row around O time, especially since statistically women have a better chance of getting pregnant the first 3 months after they have an HSG and this month 2 as well as the first month to take advantage of that statistic. Oh well, our relationship is more important and we did get one good BD in right when I think I O'd, so *crosses fingers*

bleujoli · July 2010

rock-elle:

I'm sorry hon! Does your H have a 'weak spot' for something like a little 'oral stimulation' or sexytime undies? Whatever his is if he has one then I say go for the gold to give him a little encouragement during FWP time.

I feel like thats probably stupid advice to give though since I'm sure you've already exhausted that. I also would think to vote keeep all ttcal related stuff away from him, but on the other hand I don't think you should have to go through all this alone, you should be able to talk to him about this...

OK so my post was probably worthless, I'm trying to help, but I am just contradicting myself now sorry. **big hugs**

rock-elle, you're a sweetheart! Thanks for the hugs and the advice! I have tried those mentioned weak spots (last night actually I had a very nice little nighty that I hadn't pulled out in months!) haha. But alas, no help. I think maybe if those things come unexpectedly or in a place/situation that it can't turn into sex, it might encourage him to think more about sexy things than just baby making. So your advice is not useless! I shall use the motivators in a different ways!

Orchard27 · July 2010

I've got a similar situation with my DH. I haven't been charting since our second loss, but started back with opks this cycle. I made the mistake two nights ago by telling him that it was positive and then he couldn't finish. The super annoying part was that we had been having sex e/o day fine and there was no need for me to have mentioned it at all. Extra annoying was that I wasn't even in the mood that night and then I end up with the sex and no sperm. I was sensitive enough to not let him in on that, though.

I don't have any extra advice, but just know that you're not alone. :0)

bleujoli · July 2010

Orchard27:

Extra annoying was that I wasn't even in the mood that night and then I end up with the sex and no sperm. I was sensitive enough to not let him in on that, though.

This was me last night exactly, which I'm sure didn't help. Oh, I.. err... enjoyed it plenty (a few times actually) Embarrassed but it took forever just to get the mood going. And that was with the sexy nighty and other "unmentionables." Maybe I was trying too hard. I think he can sense that.

I've decided to let him make the next move. I'm going to keep my mouth shut, I swear. Keep me accountable, ladies!

ColleenS629 · July 2010

elisbu:

When we first talked about kids and I showed my husband my awesome chart on FF(our BFP chart) my DH looked me in the eye and said " I do NOT want this to turn into a science project!"

My DH said that too so I try to keep it to myself, but he's always asking me questions about it! haha

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