ambrandau2

Pixiestx · July 2010

Ok, I've gotta ask. Why is it bad to ask someone if they have kids if I don't know them? Isn't that what you do when you meet someone and try to learn more about them or if you have anything in common?

Scout05 · July 2010

I don't think it's bad.

Which was my point.

It's an innocent and natural question. And one that will break the heart of anyone dealing with IF or multiple loss. I have cried three times in the last month when asked that question.

Because yes, I have five babies. They're just not with me. But I just met you. So I'm not going into that. And now, waterworks.

The asker couldn't have known it would hurt someone like that. That doesn't mean it doesn't cause pain.

I will personally never ask someone if they have children now, based on my experience.

Scout05 · July 2010

And btw, and at the risk of starting this debate again, you and I are going to have a different feeling about that question for the obvious reason.

You get to answer "yes I do."

I don't.

Pixiestx · July 2010

ambrandau2:

I don't think it's bad.

Which was my point.

It's an innocent and natural question. And one that will break the heart of anyone dealing with IF or multiple loss. I have cried three times in the last month when asked that question.

Because yes, I have five babies. They're just not with me. But I just met you. So I'm not going into that. And now, waterworks.

The asker couldn't have known it would hurt someone like that. That doesn't mean it doesn't cause pain.

I will personally never ask someone if they have children now, based on my experience.

Ok I see where you're coming from. Of course we are entitled to feel differently and I just have a different experience of not being bothered by the direct questions as much as the other little subtle connections that other people typically don't make.

To respond to your other comment- Yes, I do agree with you, having a child does make a difference and I know it feels a lot different on this side of things. I know some posters on the other boards a long time ago started something about how it's the same, but I never agreed with that but like I said, different experiences different feelings about things, and that should be ok.

dandyelle · July 2010

:::butts in:::

I don't mind the question, but sometimes I cringe a little because of where it's probably headed. Usually when I say, "Nope!" people ask why, or if we are going to. Then I never know what to say. I don't mind talking about my losses, but it makes people uncomfortable. Not to mention people's assumptions about my fertility, or their perceived lack of it.

So I would never be offended if someone asks if I have kids, but for me personally, it makes my heart sink a little. I hope that makes sense, and I really appreciate that you asked (even though I am totally butting in on someone else's post!).

:::butts out:::

Pixiestx · July 2010

dandyelle:

:::butts in:::

I don't mind the question, but sometimes I cringe a little because of where it's probably headed. Usually when I say, "Nope!" people ask why, or if we are going to. Then I never know what to say. I don't mind talking about my losses, but it makes people uncomfortable. Not to mention people's assumptions about my fertility, or their perceived lack of it.

So I would never be offended if someone asks if I have kids, but for me personally, it makes my heart sink a little. I hope that makes sense, and I really appreciate that you asked (even though I am totally butting in on someone else's post!).

:::butts out:::

Oh no, I would never ask why. That's prying and beyond finding out what you have in common. I've made some people uncomfortable by proving to them why they don't want to ask that question.

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ambrandau2

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