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Adoption
Dr.Loretta
member
When to tell children they were adopted
Dr.Loretta
member
in Adoption
I saw this article today and thought I'd share. Because I may be the only one, but I do feel kind of silly telling my 5mo that she was adopted, when all she does is grin at me.
https://afth.wordpress.com/2010/07/28/the-best-age-to-tell-your-child-that-he-or-she-was-adopted/
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Re: When to tell children they were adopted
I often think about this. I have a few books that I read to DD that talk about adotion a little, but she's 7 months old- she doesnt understand. I think its something to be discussed when they are older. My friend has a 6 year old who is adopted- she knows she's adopted, but has no clue what that means.
I think a lot depends on if you have a relationship with the birthparents- if so the child will know there is this other person in their life- if not the child doesnt know any different. Everyone has a different situation- I will never tell DD what a terrible situation her birthmother put her in- she will know she is adopted, but that's going to be the extent. It's going to be a closed adoption- honeslty I don't even want her to know her birth mom's name.
this.
Thanks. I struggle with this too. I feel like a lunatic when I tell Connor about his adoption. I think the distinction between "always known" and "always told" is interesting too. I definitely want Connor to feel the former and not the latter.
I am confused by these responses.
Because I'm assuming we're all planning on our children knowing they're adopted, yes? These responses make it sound like it isn't even going to come up.
I think all of us are going to have some sort of challenge in how much information to give regarding birthparents in one way or another. This article didn't address that. It merely discussed when and how to have the adoption conversation so it's done in an age-appropriate way and so the child understands it from the get-go.
What am I missing?
Being adopted I found that article interesting. I feel as though I've "always known." My parents found ways to bring it up without feeling as though I was "always told." My mom tells me that she started talking about it the day they brought home first my brother and then me. My brother may have understood a little more at a young age because he was 2 1/2 when I came along. They included him when they went to the agency to pick me up.
32 years ago they didn't have the cute story books that they have now to help explain adoption. My parents were able to find "The Adopted Child" baby book which was really great to look at growing up. It had a spot for each of my parents to write how they felt the day they got the call and when they picked me up. It not only had information about the day I was born, but also the day I went home with them.
When my brother and I were a little older my parents let us each "adopt" a dog. I have always felt as though my parents did a great job at making sure we "always knew" we were adopted. They also made sure we always knew it made us special and not just different. As we got older they gave us information in different ways. We were adopted back when there was really no such thing as open adoption, so they didn't have much information about our birth families. But, my mom always let us know that if and when we were ready she would help us find info.
I hope that helps you all!
I am a lurker, but I hope you don't mind me sharing. My husbad was adopted. His parents never told him anything about it, until one day on the school bus, a friend of his told him that he, his sister, and his brother were all adopted, and that is why they all looked so different. My husband was 13 at the time, and the news sent him into an emotional tailspin.
When he returned home that day, his parents confirmed the news but offered no further details. However, because it had always been a "secret," my husband said he felt strange pressing the issue. He felt bad asking his parents for details of his adoption, since he didn't want them to think that he didn't love them just as much as he always had. He was afraid that his curiosity would hurt them.
My husband's parents both passed away before he was 30. He is now 41 years old, and he wishes he had had the courage to start a dialogue with them about the details before it was too late. FWIW, his adoption was a private adoption in Florida, which is a closed adoption state. We have done our best to obtain non-identifying information about his birthparents, but to no avail.
In short, I applaud those of you who will dialogue with your babies, so that they feel their adoption is not taboo or a secret. The idea that your child will have always known their past is wonderful. Adoption is to be celebrated, not hidden in some vault of family secrets. Good luck to all of you!
I love this idea of the special baby book. i started searchign and found all kinds online. It made me want to take more pictures of goofy things here in florida like our hotel and the hospital. I can not wait to start one for out LO
What I was getting at was that if the birthparents are involved in your family (depending on openness of your adoption) the child may be asking questions at a younger age vs a situation where the birthparents are not a part of the child's life.
I am in no way saying we are going to hide the fact that DD is adopted from her- we are planning on telling her, when is still up in the air. What I will not tell her is that her birthmother tried to choke her when she was 10 days old, she was taken away by the state, and that her birthmom is a drug addict, convicted felon, and prostitute. I feel that could be psychlogical damaging to DD and I will not put that on her shoulders to deal with- nothing good can come out of that info.
Goodness gracious, I don't expect you to tell your child any of that, any more than I expect to tell my DD that her BF doesn't give a crap about her and wants to pretend that she never happened.
I think you blew this post way out of proportion. My point was that, for at least some people, it feels odd telling an infant they were adopted when they have no idea what we're talking about. But finding age-appropriate opportunities to make their adoption something they're aware of is important, and this article can be helpful in figuring out when that's going to happen for infants and small children.
Dealing with the less-than-stellar aspect of a birthparent's background is a whole different topic altogether.
I don't think I blew anything out of proportion- and I'm sorry if you feel that way. I feel that all situations are different- some people may tell their children at a younger age and some may wait until they are older, some may never tell their children, whatever a family does they are doing what is right for their family and that is their decision.
Do I think you should tell the child they are adopted from day one- heavens no, they have no concept of what adoption means. I do think you should use books and things that were created for adopted children when they are young- and leave room for the child to take in the info and process it.
There was a poster who stated that she didnt want adoption to define her family, I think that is a great comment- adoption needs to be discussed when the child is at an appropiate age, and honeslty I don't know what that appropiate age is, that seems to be the million dollar question. I figure we will cross that bridge when we get there.
You are correct- what to tell the child is an entire different topic and we could talk hours about that, but it is also directly related to when you will tell your child. Most children are going to have a lot of questions when told they are adopted- you need to know what info you are planning to tell them.
Thank you for the article... it is very helpful. Our social worker recommended that we start telling him a birth... not because he understands but so by the time he is ready we are comfortable saying the words. We also have an adoption baby book with all of the fun details of what we did to prepare for him and when we first saw him, and the day he officially became part of our family and he will see that as well. I think age appropriate is key. Someday more detail might be needed, should the child want more detail, but at a very young age only the basics of a family built by adoption and why they might look different than siblings or their parents would probably be enough for the time being... and to leave the lines of communication open should they ever have questions. They should never feel as though guilty about asking. That is what my adopted best friend said was most important(she is one of 13 adopted siblings). Her mom made her feel so guilty everytime she asked that she didn't love her family or was unhappy there. She was happy... she was just curious. She has no desire to meet or contact her birthmom... only wanted to know a little about her to fill in the question marks of where she got her hair/eyes/skin tone etc.
Atreyu looks very similar to my husband and I, and we have been told we would not have to tell him he is adopted... but I strongly believe he should know his story and it would be terrible later in life to find out everything he knew to be true was not.
Sorry this is so long !!
I respectfully disagree. From everything I've read, and from talking to adoptive parents, most kids who learn about their adoptions at age-appropriate levels at a very young age don't ask many (if any) follow-up questions. And putting it off until you can figure out how much (if anything) to tell them about their birthparents is, IMO, doing them a disservice. We already know what we're going to tell DD about her BF, and when.
I love the baby book idea that you and the other pp talked about.
I can't believe people would say you just shouldn't tell your son he's adopted. DD looks a lot like me, but she's going to know about her birth family, no question.
I haven't read the article yet but I will.
I will just say that we talk about adoption often. Not every day, but frequently. Honestly, telling the story repeatedly helps us. We also have pictures of his birth family around. Certainly he can't understand yet. But one day he will, and I want the language to be familiar and us to sound confident and comfortable with the story. Because let's be honest, it is a heavy concept for a little kid to understand. I'd like to be relaxed when those questions do come.
The article was super interesting and informative and I think fits us a little bit, but at the same time, I think we are telling her everyday. We don't use the words "you're adopted," but we've talked about it with Payton since Day 1. I know she doesn't understand the books we read to her (both adoption and non-adoption related) but we read to her anyway. And we still talk about adoption, even though we know she doesn't understand that either.
We have a photobook with snapshots in it of different family members, including her birthmother and siblings. We say "who is this?" (yes, even though we know she can't answer) and then we answer "It's Nannie! She lives in Texas!" or "It's T! You grew in her belly while you were growing in Mommy's heart!"
And in between reading Brown Bear, Brown Bear and Moo Baa La La La and If You Give A Mouse A Cookie...we're reading We Belong Together: A Book About Adoption And Families and I Wished For You: An Adoption Story. We never come out and say "you're adopted" but the pieces are all there and when she gets old enough, the pieces will come together. We do hope that she just always knows and it's not a shock/surprise moment where we have to sit down and tell her, but if we need to we do feel prepared to have that conversation. When they talk about adoption in the books we read, we do say "just like us" or something similar to equate the story with our own situation. Again, we know she doesn't comprehend, but she also doesn't understand giving a mouse a cookie and I'm still going to read that to her too.
I think that's a very good explanation.
Our boys are adopted through foster care, from a birthmother who used drugs, continues to use drugs and has no plan on stopping. That's not something I want or need my boys to know about. We are not going to encourage them to look or search her out when they are of age. That's why ours is all anonymous and she, the BM, has no idea who they are adopted by or with, and all she knows is that the boys live together and are adopted together.
I haven't read any responses after this one, so I'm not sure if Shay has answered. Everyone was discussing that they have contact with the BPs, etc. I think both of us are simply saying that yes, they'll know they're adopted, but not be told much more than that, because its not all rainbows and butterflies.
edit - I would say that I'm so proud to be an adoptive mother, but I don't see the need in telling the child every.single.day that they're adopted (not to say that anyone of us does that). Our children will be told they're adopted when the time is right and when they can fully understand the concept of adoption and in some circumstances, ours for example, I'm not going to continuously tell them, read them books, etc. But that is my choice.
oh I hope that didn't sound bitchy because it wasn't mean to be!
This is what we were told, too -- that when you talk to your baby you can "practice" what you will tell him/her about adoption as they get older. The words will feel more comfortable the more the practice.
I talk about dd's birthmom often. I don't talk as much about her bf because we don't have much info. We have a few pictures of dd's birthmom and her family in frames around our house (including dd's room) and I point them out to her and name the people in them.
It's a start
I was adopted in the late 70's - it was a closed adoption through Catholic Social Services. My parents told me I was adopted in 1993. Talk about causing an emotional trainwreck!
I have no information about my biological parents - not even their health history.
It doesn't sound like any of you are going this route, and I don't recommend it. My parents do not say the word "adopted," ever. It's like they are trying to cover it up. It would absolutely break their heart if I ever tried to find my birth parents... I don't ever intend too. However, I'd like to know some history (medical, ethnicity, etc.) - just not names.
I am adopted and never remember "the Talk" I've always known I was adopted and my parents have been very open answering all questions. I've seen my BM every four years starting when I was four(don't remember that one but have pictures) Today I am 29 yrs old and talk to my BM daily my phone or text but we are more like friends than anything else.
I have one friend who is also adopted but has no clue that he is, it kills me knowing that I know but he doesn't. It would be devestation if he found out now.
As I've gotten older I've asked more questions to my BM which is fine with her to underestand why. I hold no hard feelings towards her and the decision she had to make. I feel like I get the best of two worlds knowing her and having my loving parents who gave me the life she wouldn't of been able to.
Our greeting everyday at the beach. My two boys.
RUN FREE SWEET BOY RUN FREE gotcha day 12/272009 -11/11/2010