I'm breaking down (re: c/s- LONG)
I am sitting here creating DD's montage for her 1st birthday, and I'm going through all the pics from the day she was born and I can't stop crying. Don't get me wrong, it was such a beautiful day and I'm so so so thankful that DD came out happy and healthy, but the first pics I see after they show her to me and we get a family pic are of DH holding her...then my mom holding her...and my dad...and then finally over an hour later, I got to hold her once I was sewn up and stopped shaking.
I have never put down into words how I felt about all this so maybe I need to start doing that. It's just that, the only part of the whole birthing process that I really even cared about was that she be put on my chest immediately after she was born, and I didn't get that. And then to see everyone else holding her before me (sounds silly, I know) really hurts right now for some reason. Of course she knows that I'm her mama and that I love her, but I feel like those first moments after she was born were so important to me and I missed out. Then at the same time, I feel stupid because it was almost a year ago and so many other mama's IRL and on here have babies that go to the NICU or are unconcious for their c/s, so I should just be grateful. I really try to focus on that, but it doesn't seem to make my emotional pain over the event any less real.
I don't know if this will make any sense to anyone or if it's just mindless babble, but thanks for reading if you've gotten this far.
/blubberfest. Got to put on my big girl panties now because DD just woke up from her nap.
Re: I'm breaking down (re: c/s- LONG)
I'm sorry.
If it's any consolation, I had DD vaginally but still didn't get to have her placed directly on my chest when she was born b/c she was having trouble breathing when she came out. They whisked her away and I didn't get to hold her until she was about an hour old.
It does suck. Again, I'm sorry.
thanks- and I'm sorry that you had to go through that too. I cannot imagine the panic I would have felt it my LO was having trouble breathing after being born.
journaling is a good idea. I need to make the time to do that. thank you. I remember at my cousin's grad party last month, my aunt who I hadn't seen since before having DD asked about the birth, and I started welling up...and the harder I tried not to, the worse it was! ugh. I'm such an emotional basketcase. perhaps it's because I had a lot of other issues due to the c/s. but at the same time, I thank God for the c/s because it allowed DD to be born healthy. I'm sorry you feel guilty...it's good to know we are not alone.
I understand. I didnt get to see or hold my son for a whole 24 hours after my emergency c-section (until I saw his I kinda felt like I had dreamt it all...my being so sick, his need to come early and the few seconds I heard him cry while I was still in surgery). I was concious during my c-section. I wasn't allowed to see him right away because there was still a chance that I'd have a seizure or a stroke. And DS speant 2 weeks in the NICU and I spent a week in the hospital recovering from HELLP Syndrome too....and not having him with me right away was kind of a weird feeling too...one that I can't exactly describe but until I visited DS in the NICU and especially when he fianlly came home his existance didn't really seem tangible....and I was such an emotional wreck from all of the confussion about his delivery and stay in the NICU and not seeming my baby 24/7.
It was deffinatly an unreal experience that I still have trouble grasping!
I'm agreeing with the other posters - we all had stuff happen during our L&D experiences that we wish we could change. I totally understand, though.
I wanted the whole baby-on-chest experience, too, but I had a C/S and DH was the first one to hold DD - and I didn't get to hold her until about 45 minutes after she was born, once I was in recovery. But I look at it this way: She got to bond with her daddy immediately!
This is my exact story.
I was in the exact same boat as you....I was taken in for the c-section after developing a fever during labor, and I was shaking so badly they had my arms tied down to the table like I was splayed out on a cross.
I didn't get to hold E until at least 2 hours later, when I was in the regular room. To this day I'm convinced that BFing might have gone smoother for me if we had been able to bond like I wanted.
I wrote a scathing letter to the hospital about it, because I made no bones about the fact to everyone of the labor nurses and my doctor that I wanted to hold him or have him placed on me once he was born. and of course, I was so out of it that I didn't think to say anything in the OR.
Wow....I hadn't thought about that for a long time...apparently I'm still bent out of shape about it!
I know exactly how you feel. I still have a hard time with my c/s too, and I cry sometimes when I think about it, esp. when I read other people's birth stories that are more like I wanted mine to go. I actually wanted a natural birth but ended up asking for an epi b/c I couldn't handle the pain. So, on top of that having a c/s was devastating. But, God had a different plan for me and DD.
I don't know if you're planning to have another baby or another c/s, but if you do you might want to check into the policies at the hospitals available to you. I was able to hold DD 20 minutes after she was born, even though I was shaking. They stitched me up very quickly, and I was awake for the whole thing (albeit drugged up, but I still remember everything). So, DH was the only one who held her before me, and I was able to BF almost immediately. I think that has to do with the hospital more than anything.
Aww, I know how you feel. I have many issues over my emergency c/s, too, even almost a year later. I often wonder if I'll have any more children because I'm so traumatized by that experience, although I'm certainly grateful that my son and I are healthy and happy and may not have been if not for the c/s.
My reason for commenting is to share with you ladies that I'm in therapy for PPD and in my last session, my therapist said that she thinks my PPD could have been brought on or made worse by the c/s because I found it so traumatic. She is going to use EMDR (google it, it's pretty interesting--used to treat post-traumatic stress syndrome) to help me deal with my c/s memories and get past the negative thoughts about it. Maybe I'll post about that session after I have it, if I remember! I'm excited to try something that could help me get past feeling so sad about my c/s.
Your feelings are valid, and they're yours and they're unique and you're entitled to them. It's ok to feel the way you do about how things happened. I had a similar experience, except it was that everyone else got to see my DD before I did (they didnt hold her, but they did touch her). It's hard to describe the feeling of knowing that EVERYONE else has already seen YOUR baby, and you're the last. Being the last to hold your own baby is heartbreaking. And of course family just doesnt think about that at the time, or they wouldnt do it.
It's been almost 5 years and I still feel a little sad about that (and about the experience in general). I do try to focus on all the positive things that happened, but I acknowledge that there were things I didnt like and that it's ok to feel a sense of loss about them.
you did not take over the post! thank you for sharing your story and I'm so sorry for what you went through
this is me too! it's crazy how the littlest things people say bring back all the old feelings
**similar.. my dd heart rate was dropping during delivery, her cord was in a knot and she came out sunny side up so the entire neonatal unit was there waiting to wisk her away.. her apgar scores were low to begin with..I got to hold her the next day.
I can totally relate. I had an emergency c/s with HELLP and pre-e so I spent DS's first day so out of it because of the drugs. I remember waking up after surgery and holding him for less than a minute before being so tired DH took him back. I really don't remember his first day at all.
Birth is such an emotional thing. Of course there are things that can happen that can be far worse. I feel guilty all the time when I feel bad about DS's birth. And thati s something good to snap back to reality.
However, it doesn't mean you can't mourn the loss of the birth you thought you'd had. I have learned a big lesson about how much my own expectations have played a huge role in this. Although I think anyone who had HELLP would be a little traumatized, I feel like it was worse because I was hoping for a vaginal, unmedicated birth.
Try not to let what happened ruin your memories of your LO's birth. Just remember, she doesn't remember it and doesn't care if you were skin to skin right away. That's another thing I tell myself whenever I get down.
This was me too! When I was pregnant and planning my birth never in a million years did I think that the first time I would see my child would be on my digital camera.
OP you are so not alone in your feelings. I had an emergency C/S under general anesthesia and didn't get to meet my son till 3 hours later. I had a really hard time dealing with his birth for a while and though it's gotten a lot better, I still feel sad about it sometimes.
I would be really upset too, and I understand why that still hurts you. Everyone in the room should not get to hold the baby before the new mama.
Hopefully you can come to terms with it and move on.