Feeling unappreciated (long)

charmcitygirl · July 2010

Sigh...I know that I should be eternally grateful that I get to spend my days with my awesome little guy. 75% of the time we have a great time reading, going to playdates, going to the park, walking and playing with his toys. He is always on the go - even when we're at home. Never sits still.

But recently he's gotten more and more frustrating. He's gotten into the stage of hitting and biting and he thinks its funny to kick on the changing table. He's also quite frustrated in general because his lack of language is getting in the way of him communicating what he needs/wants. He climbs on everything with no fear, but then gets terrified once he's up there. Its just a rather frustrating age, if you ask me.

DH works a pretty tough job as an attorney where he's simultaneously trying to do good work and somehow make partner which seems impossible for most right now. He works hard. And I appreciate him all the time for that. I take most of the responsibility around the house. I am always saying that he needs outlets - he plays in a basketball league in the winter, he plays softball in the summer, he does fantasy sports, he works out.

But I guess I'm getting to the point of realizing that I bend over backward for him to work, not worry about the house or Jacob and I have no outlets. Maybe once a month I go out with girlfriends. And a couple of months ago I went away a couple of times for girls weekends. Even trying to get a pedicure is a carefully choreographed dance of when he can be home and when the place closes.

Sure, Jacob takes a nap every afternoon, but I usually spend that time playing on the internet (stupid), doing things around the house and cleaning up from the tornado that is my son. I should be reading, napping, watching a movie. Hell, what I should be doing is exercising. I hate that I've gained weight in the past few months and I need get it OFF!

I guess I'll be having a conversation with DH when he gets home from softball this evening. I hate that I have to tell him that I'm not feeling appreciated. Why can't he just be one of those husbands who notices that I haven't been doing much for myself lately and maybe he needs to do something about it?

I want to get a babysitter to come in once a week so that I can take a break for a few hours to do something that I want/need to do. But that costs money. Its not like we're scraping by, but since I don't make any money...I don't want to spend it just so that I can get a break! Ugh!

Well, if you've gotten this far. Thanks for reading. I just needed to get all that off my chest to people who would understand!

RoxBride · July 2010

Parents Day Out.

Sign him up. Most start in September. Take one day a week for yourself, so do what you need or want to do, and let him build some skills in a classroom.

Bug hugs!

BeccaLandes · July 2010

I understand. My boys are only a few months old, but since I am breastfeeding, I am always the one to be there for their needs. I wake up multiple times a night, I am the one one nurses them to sleep, etc. So I can only imagine what it is like for you.

It would be great if your husband could realize you need to do something for yourself, but most husbands aren't like that (I know mine isn't!). Good for you for deciding to say something yourself-- hopefully he is the kind of husband who listens!

And don't feel guilty spending money on a sitter so that you can do something for yourself! That is money well-spent, because it will make you a better-rested, happier mommy.

LisaandBryan · July 2010

I completey relate. I think I recently wrote a post like this. I don't have any real advice but I am also thnking of hiring a sitter/nanny a couple days of week . I'm just scared to leave them with a stranger but I know I need to let that go....

LisaandBryan · July 2010

Also wanted to add that I joined a gym a few months ago and it's been really good for me. Its definitely an outlet that I needed and I lost weight too. I go at night but once the boys are al itel older (probably in the fall) I plan on using the childcare at teh gym which I think will be good for them and me....

Courted · July 2010

I completely understand!!! I have loved being at home just PT last school year, but I was still working online and didn't (still don't) feel like Dh recognizes how hard I work. He always complains how he never gets his "me time'" yet I NEVER get that personal time for myself unless I really plan it out. Now I am going back to work FT and am PG and will still be working online. I told DH I will not be cooking dinner everyday anymore and he is going to have to do his own laundry.

Nico also has been crazy with the tantrums due to not being able to talk. He is speech therapy now, and I hoping with him going back to "daycare" he will pick up more language. Maybe you could have Jacob go to a mother's day out program at a church 2x a week. I found quite a few for like $200 a month. They are like half a day long and I think help them get ready for PK and KG later.

You are not alone in this one. I hope DH understands when you talk to him. (((HUGS))))

RoxBride · July 2010

Oh, one more thought, Parents Day Out can be pretty affordable. My DD attends 1 day a week from 9 until 3:30. It's 85 bucks a month.

mmcarlson1 · July 2010

charmcitygirl:

Sigh...I know that I should be eternally grateful that I get to spend my days with my awesome little guy. 75% of the time we have a great time reading, going to playdates, going to the park, walking and playing with his toys. He is always on the go - even when we're at home. Never sits still.

But recently he's gotten more and more frustrating. He's gotten into the stage of hitting and biting and he thinks its funny to kick on the changing table. He's also quite frustrated in general because his lack of language is getting in the way of him communicating what he needs/wants. He climbs on everything with no fear, but then gets terrified once he's up there. Its just a rather frustrating age, if you ask me.

DH works a pretty tough job as an attorney where he's simultaneously trying to do good work and somehow make partner which seems impossible for most right now. He works hard. And I appreciate him all the time for that. I take most of the responsibility around the house. I am always saying that he needs outlets - he plays in a basketball league in the winter, he plays softball in the summer, he does fantasy sports, he works out.

But I guess I'm getting to the point of realizing that I bend over backward for him to work, not worry about the house or Jacob and I have no outlets. Maybe once a month I go out with girlfriends. And a couple of months ago I went away a couple of times for girls weekends. Even trying to get a pedicure is a carefully choreographed dance of when he can be home and when the place closes.

Sure, Jacob takes a nap every afternoon, but I usually spend that time playing on the internet (stupid), doing things around the house and cleaning up from the tornado that is my son. I should be reading, napping, watching a movie. Hell, what I should be doing is exercising. I hate that I've gained weight in the past few months and I need get it OFF!

I guess I'll be having a conversation with DH when he gets home from softball this evening. I hate that I have to tell him that I'm not feeling appreciated. Why can't he just be one of those husbands who notices that I haven't been doing much for myself lately and maybe he needs to do something about it?

I want to get a babysitter to come in once a week so that I can take a break for a few hours to do something that I want/need to do. But that costs money. Its not like we're scraping by, but since I don't make any money...I don't want to spend it just so that I can get a break! Ugh!

Well, if you've gotten this far. Thanks for reading. I just needed to get all that off my chest to people who would understand!

I could have written this exact same thing pretty much to the T. DH is an attorney...blah blah blah...you know the rest. I also work part time from home, so that is what I do during nap time. It is very frustrating when he asks me for things and I haven't done them yet (laundry, etc), because I have busy chasing after our toddler. I am looking forward to seeing what others have to say.

desabean · July 2010

While sometimes I get down that I *can't* be a SAHM, I think that what you are going through would be a huge issue for me if I were to sah.

Obviously I can't speak for your finances but I think having 4-6 hours to yourself during the week, where you can do whatever you want (so naptime doesn't count) is money very well spent. I really hope you can find a way to do it. Don't let guilt keep you from finding a way if the money can work. You have to look at the big picture of what is best for your family as a whole.

Hang in there!!

Christakim · July 2010

I'm so sorry you are feeling like that. Is it worth it to maybe send him to a play group every once in a while? Maybe get a group of parents together to do a co-op where a mother there would take DS while you had three or four hours to yourself then you would take their child? Or maybe daycare once a week, which would get him out playing with other children?

((HUGS)) hun, I'm sorry you are feeling under appreciated.

LVBlvd · July 2010

Hon, I'm in the exact same situation. I said forget this...and signed her up fir mothers day out. I also have a sitter come once a week most weeks. Even before I was pregnant, I needed a break. My DH works like a maniac, is in grad school, and has a life (golf, happy hours, etc). I need a life too. (and so do you!!) Don't feel guilty for that.

dundasgirl · July 2010

I know how you feel. Partly it is my fault because I never plan anything for just me time.

I suggest you have something in mind when you have a talk with your DH. Like tell him that you are joining the gym and going to go three times a week or whatever. That way it will have more time to materialize.

dundasgirl · July 2010

Oh, and I always tell my DH to go and do fun things like golf, etc. And I completely live vicariously through him:( That's gotta change!

jmkatz · July 2010

I'm so sorry. I hope that you and your husband can work something out to get you some YOU time. I love the suggestion of mother's morning out. Don't feel guilty for needing time for you - in the long run, it will make you a better mommy and wife!

tina623 · July 2010

I'm sorry Is there a part time daycare you can send him? Just a few hours a day, two days a week? You would both benefit from it. ((hugs))

cmw&tdm · July 2010

Make sure to schedule some time for yourself, if you're happier the rest of your family will be too. I'd look into a MDO in your area. You could just have him go once a week if you wanted.

I've really been enjoying my mom's nights out every week or two. We usually do a happy hour and have a blast talking over margaritas. DH watches the kids.

choco_lab · July 2010

I'm in the same exact situation. I hardly ever have anytime to do just what I want to do without DS. A couple of times when I've reached my breaking point, DH has taken over and said "disappear and come back after bedtime" and just those few hours away were enough to recharge me! DH thinks I should find a babysitter to come a few hours each week so I don't have to wait for him to notice. I'm betting that your DH will say the same thing. If you think it will help, your sanity is worth the $$!

Have you tried sign language with your son? We are doing it with my DS and I think it makes a really big difference with their frustration levels at this age. For example, he tellsme he wants to go outside, wants to swim, is hungry, needs help with something or wants some milk and this has made it much easier to be around him. Just a thought...

piccolina09 · July 2010

I think you are doing fantastic job and your idea of getting a sitter once a week is a great one. You need an outlet, you need to be you, it will help preserve your sanity and I bet when your mom's day is over you will feel energized and ready to go for whatever DS and DH have in store! I am a SAHM (for another 7 months) and can relate to your situation.

skoorbnibor · July 2010

charmcitygirl:
I want to get a babysitter to come in once a week so that I can take a break for a few hours to do something that I want/need to do. But that costs money. Its not like we're scraping by, but since I don't make any money...I don't want to spend it just so that I can get a break! Ugh!

Hugs, Allison!

Getting a bit of time to regroup and center yourself makes you a much better mom to Jacob. It would be good for both of you!

manda429 · July 2010

Get a sitter or Mom's day out or part time daycare. Bearing the brunt of the household responsibilities is just as hard as your DH working the job that he has. You won't be spending the money forever, just a few years.

My DH is out of town 50% of the time, I have a half day every week. DH is totally supportive because he knows how hard it is to be solo.

crystalgirl · July 2010

I agree with the sign suggestion. Lots of kids can really makes strides with that before they can vocalize well.

Also, I'm in a very similar situation, though maybe not quite as bad. DH helps a TON around the house. But I never go out. Ever. I don't seem to have friends who want to do things without kiddos/spouses, probably because I really still don't know many people well here. I have been dreaming about putting DS in part time daycare, but I think there are some logistic (and financial) issues that aren't going to work. Also, we've still not managed to find a babysitter, so DH and I never get to go out without DS, either. It has been getting to me for some time now. I hope you have better luck figuring something out...

mrspresley · July 2010

i could have written this post, except my hubby works in the hospital as a resident and he doesn't do a lot outside of the house, he just likes to veg in front of the tv or play around on his computer for his "me time."

i agree about the MDO program and i think when DD gets a little older i am going to look into it too. it's totally overwhelming and exhausting having to do everything and not have any "me time." i've brought this up with my hubby and he always says "well don't you have lots of me time when she is napping?" i don't know why but like you, i never feel like nap times are "me time" at all.

anyway, i don't have much in the way of suggestions aside from the MDO that others already brought up. just wanted to say that i know exactly how you feel and it's understandable and you shouldn't feel guilty for feeling this way

yankee42 · July 2010

oh sweetie, i hear ya on that age...THE. TOUGHEST. if you ask me...BUT, that part gets SOOOOOOO much better soon enough...for the boys, right around 18 months they started being able to communicate more and that was everything

as for everything else, ugh..i have no advice since i have gone on 3 dates with DH since the boys have been born, and not seen a girls night in almost 3 years, haha...ah well. i think i need to have that appreciation talk with the ol hubs too like yours, though, mine works constantly.

hows about this? when i stop BFing...im coming up there to babysit Jacob so you can have a spa day, then we will go out for drinks and dancing after your DH comes home, haha!!!

oct92004bride · July 2010

this means we need to have another MD get together Big Smile

! I feel the same way. Matt works 16 hour days and only sees meredith on weekends-I am sooo tired of it. I also work full time during the school year. Now he is telling me he can't drop or off or pick up at daycare-last year he would drop her off. They added more work for him, so he goes in earlier. I told him he better figure something out or I'm quitting my job I can't do it all. He has been away the last three weeks too and we have no family in the area. The only me time I get is on the weekends but I feel bad doing stuff w/out them because it's the only family time we get. I just found a babysitter-on the nest who said she will watch meredith 2 nights a month so we can actually have date nights.Guess the difference is he doesn't really get any me time either because he works all the time and his commute is long. Good luck hope you get some time off. Like you I also am on the computer during naps when I should be cleaning too Smile

.

TheSkimmy · July 2010

Hugs- don't be nervous about this talk you are going to have with your DH... he wants you to be happy too. I had this talk with DH and he was jumping up and down when I told him I found a HS girl to come every Thurs for 3 hours. The big fee... $21 a week. Big whoop. Sooo worth it- do I do fun things during that time? Nope Last week I got my tires rotated and went to the cell phone store and grocery store.Tomorrow... Walmart and Target. But you know what- I am alone and taking a breather. It's also good for DS to be around other people.

You are a great mommy and I think it's the age- the honeymoon stage is over and you need a little spice in your life! I get it!! What about taking a cooking class or getting involved in a volunteer group? It's time to find you again!

SeaSoul · July 2010

Ah, Charm...I'm sorry. That sucks. I hope you did talk to your DH last night, and it didn't take much convincing that some things need to change. Please update us!

nicole&carl · July 2010

I know how you feel! My DH is a workaholic, who also works at a law firm, but in IT. Do you have a gym membership? The gym we go to has childcare, so while I work out and get frustration/aggression out, someone is watching Ben. They also have parent's day/night out, which is great! The gym is my sanctuary where I can get time to myself AND get in shape.

tigerlily5 · July 2010

A little late to this post, but I completely get what you are saying. DH has a really demanding job (I happen to be an attny, and his job is even worse than mine) and when I was on maternity leave, DH kept asking me to do things during the day, etc and I kept telling him there was no time. He would come home at night and I would be crying from exhaustion. Finally there was a week where he took a LOA from work so I could pull myself together and he got to experience what it was like to take care of DD by himself for a lot of the day -- ever since then he has been appreciative of how hard it is and has stopped asking me to do things, or at least limits it to one thing a week or so!! Don't get me wrong, we both cherish our time with DD but it can be so exhausting! Is there any way you can arrange a weekend or something where DH has the brunt of LO responsibilities -- then you could get a rest and he might get a new perspective of how hard you work to take care of DS?

so1966 · July 2010

BeccaLandes:

I understand. My boys are only a few months old, but since I am breastfeeding, I am always the one to be there for their needs. I wake up multiple times a night, I am the one one nurses them to sleep, etc. So I can only imagine what it is like for you.

It would be great if your husband could realize you need to do something for yourself, but most husbands aren't like that (I know mine isn't!). Good for you for deciding to say something yourself-- hopefully he is the kind of husband who listens!

And don't feel guilty spending money on a sitter so that you can do something for yourself! That is money well-spent, because it will make you a better-rested, happier mommy.

ditto! you should always feel appreciated, regardless of your situation, mommy or not. (((HUGS))

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