s/o shower etiquette (bridal)

sistrkate · July 2010

I got an invitation in the mail to a bridal shower for DH's second cousin (I think). When I saw the invitation, I wasn't sure who the person was, but it is being given by the wife of DH's first cousin. So, we assume that their son is getting married. The invitation says that "Niki is registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond".

I looked up the registry just to confirm who is actually getting married, and it is in fact the first cousin's son. I'm not going to be able to attend the shower and we wouldn't attend the wedding, either, if we are invited.

Are we obligated to send a gift for either the shower or the wedding? I really honestly have no idea. I've never gotten an invitation for someone I don't even really know, or to a shower that I wasn't able to attend.

kel716 · July 2010

You're not obligated to do anything. If you want, you can send a nice card if you want or more, but you don't have to.

FWIW, it drives me batty when I get invites for someone neither dh or I really know!

hannah&ben · July 2010

Of course you're not obligated to send a gift! I'd send a card to wish them well and forget about it.

IAM4UK · July 2010

I would send my regrets and not even send a gift.

Here's one for ya: I got invited to the first birthday party of my first cousin's daughter's daughter. Yeah - too far down the chain to go to that one.

cops_wife · July 2010

You're not obligated to send a gift for a shower you cannot attend. However, etiquette dictates that you send a gift for a wedding if you receive an invitation, whether you attend or not. Whether you choose to follow that rule is up to you, of course, but that's the general rule.

teacherjess · July 2010

I wouldn't worry about sending anything. This has happened to me before and if anything, maybe send a nice card or something.

RobotsandRoses · July 2010

Agree with the rest. I had a small wedding, and these giant ones don't make any sense to me at all. From the bride/groom perspective, wouldn't it be horribly embarrassing if you couldn't introduce a guest to your spouse, etc.?

adamsbabble · July 2010

No you don't need to send a gift if you aren't going.

I felt kind of embarrassed/awkward/tacky at my shower because MIL had invited people I had never in my life met before. I would open a blanket and read the card... "It's from Connie. Thanks for the blanket Connie!" and not even know who to make eye contact with so I just did a scan of the room. However, I know the reason MIL probably invited them is because she (and my DH) have known those people forever and they probably didn't think it was weird to get an invitation from her. It was an opportunity to at least get to know more of my DH's extended family & family friends, and I know those people better now, ya know?

If I am looking at it from your DH's family's perspective (giving them the benefit of the doubt that they're not just doing it for gifts), I'm sure they would understand if you didn't come but they probably just didn't want to leave anyone out and run the risk of hurting anyone's feelings (which obviously you aren't, but there are people who might be). I was invited to my DH's cousin's girlfriend's baby shower and although I did have to think about "Who is this?" when I got the invite (I had met her before... I'm just terrible with names sometimes), my DH's aunt was the one throwing the shower and my MIL was helping out with it. They were inviting everyone else in the family and I'm sure the case was just that they didn't want me to feel excluded. There were plenty of other people there that I did know, so it was still fine.

sistrkate · July 2010

adamsbabble:
No you don't need to send a gift if you aren't going.

I felt kind of embarrassed/awkward/tacky at my shower because MIL had invited people I had never in my life met before. I would open a blanket and read the card... "It's from Connie. Thanks for the blanket Connie!" and not even know who to make eye contact with so I just did a scan of the room. However, I know the reason MIL probably invited them is because she (and my DH) have known those people forever and they probably didn't think it was weird to get an invitation from her. It was an opportunity to at least get to know more of my DH's extended family & family friends, and I know those people better now, ya know?

If I am looking at it from your DH's family's perspective (giving them the benefit of the doubt that they're not just doing it for gifts), I'm sure they would understand if you didn't come but they probably just didn't want to leave anyone out and run the risk of hurting anyone's feelings (which obviously you aren't, but there are people who might be). I was invited to my DH's cousin's girlfriend's baby shower and although I did have to think about "Who is this?" when I got the invite (I had met her before... I'm just terrible with names sometimes), my DH's aunt was the one throwing the shower and my MIL was helping out with it. They were inviting everyone else in the family and I'm sure the case was just that they didn't want me to feel excluded. There were plenty of other people there that I did know, so it was still fine.

You hit the nail on the head, Kessler. This is how DH's family does things. All of his (huge, extended) family lives in his hometown and all of the women are always invited to all of the showers. The cousin hosting this shower came to all of mine (that were up there) but we won't be going to these events because they are OOT and it's just not feasible. I just don't want to get on the wrong foot with anyone.

JLPT830 · July 2010

My DH is from a ridiculously huge extended family that all live OOT. I always get invited to all the showers. I only really make an effort to go to the ones for people I know well. In other situations I just give MIL some money toward a gift (like $10) since she usually goes to all the showers. She's good about including my name on the card. Is something like that an option???

MrsMandaK · July 2010

I'm not sure what ettiquette states, but I personally do not send a gift when I cannot attend a shower/wedding (unless it's a close friend or family memeber).

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