WWYD? difference in parenting style coming up now.

DandaLion · July 2010

SO and I had many conversations about how we want to raise DS and how we plan on doing things well before LO got here. We are on the same page for about 99% of the time. LO has colic and reflux and gets super fussy at night. SO has gotten into the habit that when he gets fussy to take him in our room to calm him down by laying on the bed with him. It totally works. However it doesn't work to put him to sleep. After nursing I usually stand and bounce/rock him for 10 min and he's out. Last night was an especially fussy night and SO took over.except he just lays him on our bed and let LO cry. I suggested (after awhile, I know its important for dads to get there own thing down) maybe he wanted to try bouncing or rocking him. SO took it as me saying he doesn't know how to take care of our son and huge fight ensued. We are talking about it tonight, but I need a constructive way to explain that letting our 2 month old cry for 45 min is not going to help anyone. Especially DS who doesn't know how to calm down. Made for a long night last night since Lo was up every 2 hrs. TIA! We need to get this resolved ASAP.

tri_bride05 · July 2010

Was last night the first time you had talked about it? I know that if DH and I try to discuss something while the baby is crying or toddler is having a tantrum, we are both on edge and tend to misinterpret what the other is saying. I'd pretty much say what you said here - that DS is too young and can't soothe himself/put himself to sleep and that you've found that bouncing/rocking him works really well when he is upset. I know it is important for dads to be able to soothe LO's too and that they need to find there own way, but I often impose a time limit for my DH and if the baby is still crying after what I feel is too long I will ask him if he wants me to try to calm the baby (he always says yes). If the baby calms right away with me and DH feels like he can't do it, I just remind him that the baby can sense when DH is getting stressed and sometimes all it takes is a fresh, calm person to step in. Good luck!

pkw · July 2010

Oh man...we had the SAME things...the colic and reflux. I feel so bad for your little guy!!!! That was a rough rough time for us too.

Here is how we looked at it (and when I gently explained to DH why I needed him to take one extra step he understood why I asked)....

"I am not trying to teach you or tell you how to parent because I honestly feel you and LO need to learn your own ropes together, but I know this works because it has worked for me so it would make me feel better and able to relax and let you guys be if you just tried it. If it works, great, if it doesn't I will leave you to figure out what does work....but please just try it for me....and remember I love you both and I am just trying to help because this situation is sucky and hard and we both feel helpless and crummy so lets try and at least feel helpless and crummy as a team instead of at each other's throats."

But I feel you, I had a really hard time letting DH just rock and hug EJ when he was like that because it was "easier" for me to rock and hug him when he cried then be in the next room crying myself while I listened to my baby cry and not be doing something about it...even when I knew DH and I were doing the same things and getting the same outcomes....it just felt easier to swallow when I was doing something.

lucasj'smommy · July 2010

Our LO had/has reflux and I'm finding hard to imagine that your SO thinks it's ok to lay him down and cry (especially at his age) for 45 minutes.

Our DR was very specific that we NOT lay him down after eating or shortly there after because it makes the reflux worse!

Does your SO not understand how much it hurts and is uncomfy for him to be lying down?

I personally wouldn't let him cry for that long at his age or if I knew the reflux was hurting him because he was lying down.

If my DH feelings got hurt in the moment, we could discuss it later when things weren't at a peak.

I think the way PKW said it would be a good way to start things, if he still was upset than give him links/literature to why he shoudn't lay down right away with reflux so he understands why it's better to keep him upright (rocking him/holding him).

Clearly if he's crying for 45 minutes he's in pain/discomfort and something new should be tried...

He shouldn't see it as your way vs my way, it should be what way works for the baby....

DandaLion · July 2010

Thanks ladies. Its the first time it got this bad. I usually let a little bit of time pass and go in and offer to help or suggest something that works for me. I waited to try and talk to him after LO was down 5-10 min later) and he just took everything wrong. I am stressed about what is going to happen when I go back to work in a few weeks after last night's incident. I work nights and it will be up to him to take care of DS while I'm at work. He'll be in charge of all bedtime routines and getting up with him when he has his (normally ) 1 wake-up a night. Doesn't help that he's getting parenting advice from a friend who has a 9 month old that they let CIO now (SO fails to remember the age difference in LO's).

lucasj'smommy · July 2010

I'm sorry your stressed out

It is very hard when you have different styles, luckily for me DH and I both are against CIO.

Has he read about the 4th trimester?

Maybe that will make him see a difference in CIO with your baby and his friends 9 month old.

He really needs to understand why CIO at this age can do more harm than good.

Does he happen to go to your LO's Pedi appts with you guys?

Maybe have the Pedi tell him some info on why it's not ok to let him CIO so young?

I would hold my ground though, just because you won't be there SO still needs to use what you both agree upon and if CIO is not ok with you he needs to respect that.

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WWYD? difference in parenting style coming up now.

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