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Blended Families
Banana44
member
Should we be flexible, or not?
Banana44
member
small backstory on our CO. After a parent's vacation - the following weekend goes to the parent who did not enjoy vacation - possibly changing custody weekends for the following year.
This year DH and BM picked their vacation weeks back in March. After all is said and done - BM's vacation ends in late August and the weekend rotation ends up changing. Now, we've know about this since March (if you plan out it was easy to notice) so DH and I have made plans taking this change into consideration.
BM is now telling DH that the weekend change will mean that she has SS and her boyfriend has his kids on opposite weekends, and she wants us to figure out how to fix this. BM and boyfriend do not cohabitate and are not engaged (he's not truly divorced yet), they've been together about a year - do you think we should try to make the change, or do you think we should say tough - we planned aroud this, now you must too.
And, not that this should matter, but BM does not make any changes with us. SS was not present for DD's birthday (actual day - we planned party when we had SS) and won't let him attend any of our family events if on her weekend - but we are a little more flexible than that.
What are your thoughts??
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Re: Should we be flexible, or not?
Not sure your kids ages, but if they aren't old enough to have an opinion one way or the other, then BM reaps what she sows. She hasn't been flexible, so why should you, especially if you have already done your planning.
I think that I would tell her that because of her unwillingness to work with you guys on special events and other things that have come up, you're disinclined to accommodate her.
That's not a firm NO WAY. So if she really wants things her way, maybe she can offer to make some concessions.
It sucks when one parent thinks flexibility is a one-way street.
Follow the CO. You can't go wrong or make the worng choice by following the CO.
If you had a different flexible on both sides relationship. You woulndn't even be asking b/c then it would be normal no problem thing.
It may seem harsh and rational normal people just switch. but it will only bite you in the butt. So follow the CO.
My SS is 7 and my DD is 15 months. I understand that my SS likes to hang out with her boyfriends children, but this is not a committed relationship, and we would be willing to switch a weekend here or there for an event - but if we swicth completely and then SS isn't allowed to see DD on her borthday again, or she won't let SS join us for our family Christmas party (already scheduled - big family with multiple blendeds) I would kick myslef in the butt. But, I don't want to be unreasonable - we have a court date in September - BM is trying to reduce our 50/50 custidy.
This. Although my first thought was "aw hell naw, don't be flexible!" But it is all about what is best for the kiddos.
I would not make the change for her. With a court date coming up I would follow the CO to the very last letter. In my experience trying to be the nice guy, going against the CO gets you screwed in the end.
The CO is there for a reason...use it.
There is also no reason why her BF can't try to switch HIS weekend if it is such a big problem.
At first, I was on the "don't change the CO", but then I realized that this would actually WORK in your favor.
Being flexible but showing that BM IS NOT, shows that you are not only the better people, but better parents. And I would think back long and hard and show SPECIFIC events where you asked for flexibility and was denied.
Second, even if this boyfriend is not permanent, he COULD be and more importantly your SS likes the kids. This means that on the weekends with his mom, me will occupied.
Third, (and I am an anal retentive planner), have you really and truly planned out every single weekend?
If there are specific dates under this new schedule, that you want to keep MAKE THOSE DATES part of the agreement. And those dates will be ADD ONS, not a readjustment of the weekend schdule - yes that means that you may have three weekends in a row.
But since she has weekday custody, that should not be TOO much of an issue no? Its not as if she won't be seeing her child at all.
This is a win-win for everyone. She gets her childfree weekends with her BoyFreind (this is really what is pushing this train - having the same kid free weekend) and you get extra time with your SS.
Thanks everyone for your comments. I couldn't get back on yesterday.
DH and I talked about this a lot yesterday and we decided to try and meet her halfway - for the sake of SS and because we really do try to be flexible - however, I really am a planner, so we had to take that into consideration. We have every weekend booked until the new year (except 1), so we are offering to switch the 1 weekend in October we have no plans and then make a permenant switch after Christmas break - with the exception of 1 weekend in April (I already planned the weekend for DD's birthday). We had ski weekend plans in Jan and Feb, but we can re-schedule them.
I know she will not like this and still complain, but I really think we are trying to reach that happy medium - and if it is so important for the kids to see each other every weekend, I'm sure the boyfriend could try a couple of switches before the new year also.
I know SS enjoys seeing the kids, but he also likes the time with Mom without them, so I still think we are doing what is best for him.
We hope in the end the judge sees how much we try to work with BM, although we really do not think they would take away our 50%, we'll see.
You must be a busy lady to have every weekend planned between now and the end of the year! Dang!
I think that's a pretty fair compromise, to make the switch when it no longer affects your plans. Hopefully she'll be happy with that.
You would think she would be happy, but she already responded that she wants the switch effective now or she will take us to court.
We are very busy - I am one of 7 with with 16 nieces and nephews, and I am in an inter-faith marriage. So between birthdays, religious holidays (Jewish and Catholic) other holidays - it really books up quick! We haven't had a weekend at home with nothing to do since February!
Some people are just never happy!
Let her take you to court. I bet she won't. If you guys are following the court order then she will look foolish in front of a judge. The judge will not give 2 hoots about her boyfriend's children. And if she drags you into court for it, ask for her to cover your legal fees when she loses.
FOLLOW THE COURT ORDER. You have tried to work with her and she doesn't want to work with you guys. You can't do any more.