Flame Free Confessions, anyone?

memelou10 · July 2010

lilmgirl:
memelou10:

LittleApple:
memelou10:
There's one poster that post pic of her "growing belly" ALL the time.. It's really starting to annoy me!!!!
You better name names!!

She hasn't posted a pic in the last week-I don't think- I stopped opening her post because they are usually pictures..

I think I know who you're talking about. She also posts pics of her her 1st pregnancy vs. her 2nd one?

Yup, that's her!!!

LinnyAnne10 · July 2010

cinema_goddess:
bookworm10:

I judge people who do not like dogs for no apparent reason. If teh person had a negative experience I can respect that but those who just generally don't like them are a little suspect to me.
I feel this way about people who don't like cats for no apparent reason. It's a cat. It doesn't do anything but lay around and look surly, then pissed off, then surly again, then it wants to love on you until you feed it and then it looks surly again.

I feel the same way about both! I don't get how people don't like cats or dogs for no reason at all!!

My FFC is, I just sat here and read this whole thread.. because I have nothing better to do.. school doesn't start until next week, house is spotless, and since its raining, no tv.. so I'm bored, and feeling really really lazy! and I'm enjoying feeling my little one kicking me. Oh and I'm drinking a can of pepsi even though I really should be having water right now..

themissizz · July 2010

I'm giving up halfway through reading these, but I don't get why posters on this board get so pissed about parents paying for college/weddings/house down payments. If parents can afford and want to do something nice for their child, why is it selfish of the child to accept it? My parents have helped me out along the way, but I still work full-time, pay my own bills, am fiscally responsible, etc. I'm not a spoiled brat who was always given things by mommy and daddy, yet apparently I'd be looked down on because I've been fortunate enough to have parents who were able and more than willing to offer money for life events and big purchases over the years.

wife1014 · July 2010

KC_13:
wife1014:
cinema_goddess:
Mrs.Johns:
lissasue3:

NY Mama:
I guess I have my sensitive pants on today but this irked me. DH and I have worked hard for everything in our lives and were working on saving for a down payment on a house but things happened. DHs mom got really sick and we had to do alot of travel and take time off, etc. DHs mom died and left him money. That is what we used for the down payment on our house. I would give my house back in a second for our old apartment or a different house if we could have DHs mom back. I don't happen to think we are pathetic people because we used money from a parent to put a down payment on a house.
Who said they are pathetic people?
I think you are being a little sensitive about it because it involved DH's mom's death.

And this whole convo started because we were less impressed with the house someone was able to afford now that someone else gifted them money. Meaning without that gift they would not have been able to buy that specific house at that specific time.

I said pathetic in my OP and looking back it was probably a poor word choice. I don't think it's pathetic but I am never as impressed with someone's house if I know that their parents helped them.

I really don't understand this attitude. If someone's parents offered to help with a down payment, or as in LCB's case, money was made available to them for use as a down payment, why should that person say no? Because American culture tells us that there is something wrong with accepting money from parents (or anyone for that matter)? Because you should just wait for good things if you can't afford them with your own paycheck, even if someone is willing to give you money? Pride?

I find it to be absurd as well. My father-in-law is a very successful man and my husband is his only child. In no way would we refuse anything from his dad or ask of anything. Do we consider a hand-out...not at all! My husband never asks or expects anything from his dad but it is given to us, whether it be the downpayment for our home (which we were buying regardless), a free airline ticket, college funds for our children, or a check for new baby furniture. Personally, we are very fortuante to have such a generous loving man in our lives.

My parents, although don't have much, would give their children anything they do have. I think this the traditional role of parents and should be our role 25-35 years from now.

On the contrary, I find it absurd to take money from family, even if they can afford it and they offer it! My parents offer me money all.the.time. When my car broke down and it was $1,000, they offered to pay. When they wanted to pay for my son's furniture, I bought it before they could do so. I don't have a problem if they want to put cash in DS's college funds for holidays or whatever, but things for me personally? Never and when things are offered I refuse. I feel pride in paying my own way. I could have gotten a bigger house with the money my parents had leftover from college tuition, but I didn't. I felt that saving that money for my children's future was a better investment. Since we didn't need the money (or a huge house), why use it? We were just fine buying a house in foreclosure, putting our own money and work into it, and now we have a nice house with a good amount of money in equity in the house. When we sell it, we'll use the profit for a down payment on a bigger house. I could have had a bigger house from the get-go, but I didn't need instant gratification. It will feel 20 times better when we get that bigger house from our smart choices and our hard work, and it's a much better lesson than getting it handed to us.

I just couldn't take stuff from my family, regardless of how wealthy they are. I'd be embarassed. I'd never have too much pride to ask for help if we really needed it (which we'd pay back, of course), but since we don't need anyone's help I don't get why I should just take it solely because it's offered. My DH's income pays for us just fine. Not knocking yours or anyone else's choices, I just can't imagine.

You are a way better person than I am then. My husbands income pays for us just fine as well. It' snot as if we are not taking "handouts" because we cannot afford things. My father-in-law proudly provides us with gifts which we graciously accept. FWIW, there is also a hefty college fund for the children and a nice inheritance. Sometimes, people need to let go of liquid cash for tax puposes...we reap those benefits. It is not an embarrasment when you are living very comfortably without these said gifts, as we are. I will also repeat that my husband and I were buying the same house whether his dad gave us extra for the downpayment or not. It just meant that we had more going into it. He gave this to us so we had the opportunity to get off on an even stronger foot. As I said, this has us being able to pay our mortgage off a lot quicker and provided us with the opportunity to have a larger savings accont and to plan for our future even better. Now, who really can honestly say that is something they would turn their nose to. Frankly, I have a hard time believing anyone who says they would. But, if you do you definitely get the good child award for the day.

gins515 · July 2010

Estellankase:
missesru:

I hate when people act like owning a home and getting a mortgage is a right that they are entitled to.

My in-laws are on welfare (BY CHOICE) and they b*tch about not being able to afford a flatscreen... really? Get a freakin job!!

At least they know they can't afford it. I hate when people who never have money buy the flatscreen and then can't make their mortgage payment. I can understand a bad situation but making stupid choices on top of that gets under my skin.

themissizz · July 2010

wife1014:
It' snot as if we are not taking "handouts" because we cannot afford things.
It is not an embarrasment when you are living very comfortably without these said gifts, as we are.

Agreed.

hot_tamale · July 2010

FancyFeet10:
Mrs.Johns:
Along the lines of the house thing.... If I hear your parents either 1. paid your down payment or 2. helped with the down payment I am immediately NOT impressed by your home purchase. Immediately. I don't care if it's a freaking castle with a cherry on top. In my eyes a home is something that you should work hard for and taking money for a down payment is pretty pathetic. Even if my parents offered it to me I don't think I could have accepted it because that would take away from the fact that we did it all by ourselves.
My parents have offered to help b/c that is what their parents did for them. We live in a very HCOL area and the minimum down payment is 3.5%. A modest townhouse around here is at least $320,000 (i.e. down payment is $11,200). I know very few people who have that kind of money just sitting in an account (and yes, both of us work and save as much as we can). Will we pay them back if we accept their offer? Yup. Do I think it's pathetic? Nope.

You think a townhouse for 320,000 is a HCOL? Oh honey, don't come to CA. That is nothing. And not knocking you, but 11K aint much either. I could save that in my sleep. That said, I would totally take free money from my family and wouldn't give two craps what anyone thought about it. Money is just something to buy things with. You can't take it with you when you die. If your family wants to help you out, I think that is great.

kehgirl · July 2010

lissasue3:

I just ate a 12 inch Italian sub in about 10 minutes.

If it wasn't for cinema_goddess who talked about people not eating enough (and complaining they are hungry) then I would have ordered a 6 inch and been confessing that I'm still hungry.

How about I ate the bigger sub too and I'm still hungry Embarrassed

Sure I avoid the side eye for eating like a bird & complaining but draw a new side eye for eating plenty and going out for more food. Its a lose/lose. smh.

kcisthebombdotcom · July 2010

You are a way better person than I am then. My husbands income pays for us just fine as well. It' snot as if we are not taking "handouts" because we cannot afford things. My father-in-law proudly provides us with gifts which we graciously accept. FWIW, there is also a hefty college fund for the children and a nice inheritance. Sometimes, people need to let go of liquid cash for tax puposes...we reap those benefits. It is not an embarrasment when you are living very comfortably without these said gifts, as we are. I will also repeat that my husband and I were buying the same house whether his dad gave us extra for the downpayment or not. It just meant that we had more going into it. He gave this to us so we had the opportunity to get off on an even stronger foot. As I said, this has us being able to pay our mortgage off a lot quicker and provided us with the opportunity to have a larger savings accont and to plan for our future even better. Now, who really can honestly say that is something they would turn their nose to. Frankly, I have a hard time believing anyone who says they would. But, if you do you definitely get the good child award for the day.

To not quote that whole thing, the way I look at it is if I accept gifts/handouts/whatever you want to call it from my parents my whole adult life and then something terrible happened that we needed financial help, I'd feel like such a mooch if I had been taking money/gifts/whatever from them all along. I don't know, I just couldn't do it with a good conscience. Sure, we'd live more comfortably with financial help-who wouldn't? We live just fine without the help though. Sure, we may not be as wealthy as we could be, but we have enough that I don't have to work, we pay our mortgage, save money, and have some fun every month. We'll have to agree to disagree on this one.

kcisthebombdotcom · July 2010

slwhatley:
KC_13:

On the contrary, I find it absurd to take money from family, even if they can afford it and they offer it! My parents offer me money all.the.time. When my car broke down and it was $1,000, they offered to pay. When they wanted to pay for my son's furniture, I bought it before they could do so. I don't have a problem if they want to put cash in DS's college funds for holidays or whatever, but things for me personally? Never and when things are offered I refuse. I feel pride in paying my own way. I could have gotten a bigger house with the money my parents had leftover from college tuition, but I didn't. I felt that saving that money for my children's future was a better investment. Since we didn't need the money (or a huge house), why use it? We were just fine buying a house in foreclosure, putting our own money and work into it, and now we have a nice house with a good amount of money in equity in the house. When we sell it, we'll use the profit for a down payment on a bigger house. I could have had a bigger house from the get-go, but I didn't need instant gratification. It will feel 20 times better when we get that bigger house from our smart choices and our hard work, and it's a much better lesson than getting it handed to us.

I just couldn't take stuff from my family, regardless of how wealthy they are. I'd be embarassed. I'd never have too much pride to ask for help if we really needed it (which we'd pay back, of course), but since we don't need anyone's help I don't get why I should just take it solely because it's offered. My DH's income pays for us just fine. Not knocking yours or anyone else's choices, I just can't imagine.

Newsflash: Taking the money and putting into your child's savings account is no different than putting it towards your mortgage. Either way, you're providing for your family and accepting a handout.

How so? Buying a bigger house with money that could be used for my son's (and future LOs) savings isn't providing something beneficial to my family. How is a larger house providing better for your family? I don't get it.

CinemaGoddess · July 2010

amy052006:
crazystace:
wife1014:

It' snot as if we are not taking "handouts" because we cannot afford things.

It is not an embarrasment when you are living very comfortably without these said gifts, as we are.

Agreed.

I actually think if it is important to your parents to feel like they are helping, even if you don't "need" it, you are kind of a petulant brat to turn them down.

For example, my parents really want to buy the nursery furniture. We don't need them to do it, but I think I would look like an ungrateful twat if I basically said, "No, your money is no good here. You can do nothing to help me."

It isn't always about you as the recipient and whatever chips you have on your shoulder -- sometimes it is about the giver and the satisfaction they get.

Yes Yes Yes

ksiebert1974 · July 2010

Mrs.Johns:
FancyFeet10:

Mrs.Johns:
Along the lines of the house thing.... If I hear your parents either 1. paid your down payment or 2. helped with the down payment I am immediately NOT impressed by your home purchase. Immediately. I don't care if it's a freaking castle with a cherry on top. In my eyes a home is something that you should work hard for and taking money for a down payment is pretty pathetic. Even if my parents offered it to me I don't think I could have accepted it because that would take away from the fact that we did it all by ourselves.

My parents have offered to help b/c that is what their parents did for them. We live in a very HCOL area and the minimum down payment is 3.5%. A modest townhouse around here is at least $320,000 (i.e. down payment is $11,200). I know very few people who have that kind of money just sitting in an account (and yes, both of us work and save as much as we can). Will we pay them back if we accept their offer? Yup. Do I think it's pathetic? Nope.

I live right outside of Boston and we bought our own house with no help. It's still a handout. That's why it's hard to buy a house, because you have to be patient while you save.

Why waste money renting if your parents can adn want to help? If you're going to pay it back, who cares who you are paying? I personally HATED paying rent in college, even though my dad gave me the money for it. It just felt so wasteful. When I graduated and DH got out of the Marines, renting was not any cheaper than buying, aside from a downpayment (which we had, it was a pretty modest house, but we were also only 23). So you're saying if your parents are willing and able, you should just throw money away renting just to prove a point?

FancyFeet10 · July 2010

hot_tamale:
FancyFeet10:
Mrs.Johns:
Along the lines of the house thing.... If I hear your parents either 1. paid your down payment or 2. helped with the down payment I am immediately NOT impressed by your home purchase. Immediately. I don't care if it's a freaking castle with a cherry on top. In my eyes a home is something that you should work hard for and taking money for a down payment is pretty pathetic. Even if my parents offered it to me I don't think I could have accepted it because that would take away from the fact that we did it all by ourselves.
My parents have offered to help b/c that is what their parents did for them. We live in a very HCOL area and the minimum down payment is 3.5%. A modest townhouse around here is at least $320,000 (i.e. down payment is $11,200). I know very few people who have that kind of money just sitting in an account (and yes, both of us work and save as much as we can). Will we pay them back if we accept their offer? Yup. Do I think it's pathetic? Nope.
You think a townhouse for 320,000 is a HCOL? Oh honey, don't come to CA. That is nothing. And not knocking you, but 11K aint much either. I could save that in my sleep. That said, I would totally take free money from my family and wouldn't give two craps what anyone thought about it. Money is just something to buy things with. You can't take it with you when you die. If your family wants to help you out, I think that is great.

Lol, I know things are a lot more in CA; I have a family member out there. Your taxes are crazy! I guess I should have been more specific, I'm talking about a townhouse built in the 1980's, maybe 2 bedroom, 2 bath. Nothing extravagant, and it's not even close to the city (where we both work). How if we wanted to get closer to the city, that would easily be 400-500k, or more. And we would have $11k saved too, if we didn't have to pay off 2 undergrad loans, 2 master's degrees, plus medical bills. (our parents did not pay for undergrad/grad school, so those bills are totally ours)

CinemaGoddess · July 2010

KC_13:
slwhatley:
KC_13:

On the contrary, I find it absurd to take money from family, even if they can afford it and they offer it! My parents offer me money all.the.time. When my car broke down and it was $1,000, they offered to pay. When they wanted to pay for my son's furniture, I bought it before they could do so. I don't have a problem if they want to put cash in DS's college funds for holidays or whatever, but things for me personally? Never and when things are offered I refuse. I feel pride in paying my own way. I could have gotten a bigger house with the money my parents had leftover from college tuition, but I didn't. I felt that saving that money for my children's future was a better investment. Since we didn't need the money (or a huge house), why use it? We were just fine buying a house in foreclosure, putting our own money and work into it, and now we have a nice house with a good amount of money in equity in the house. When we sell it, we'll use the profit for a down payment on a bigger house. I could have had a bigger house from the get-go, but I didn't need instant gratification. It will feel 20 times better when we get that bigger house from our smart choices and our hard work, and it's a much better lesson than getting it handed to us.

I just couldn't take stuff from my family, regardless of how wealthy they are. I'd be embarassed. I'd never have too much pride to ask for help if we really needed it (which we'd pay back, of course), but since we don't need anyone's help I don't get why I should just take it solely because it's offered. My DH's income pays for us just fine. Not knocking yours or anyone else's choices, I just can't imagine.

Newsflash: Taking the money and putting into your child's savings account is no different than putting it towards your mortgage. Either way, you're providing for your family and accepting a handout.

How so? Buying a bigger house with money that could be used for my son's (and future LOs) savings isn't providing something beneficial to my family. How is a larger house providing better for your family? I don't get it.

You didn't earn that money for your child. You didn't give it to them, your parents did.

Just because it isn't going to your mortgage doesn't mean that you or your children aren't benefitting from that money.

That's where this entire thing rubs me wrong. You're perfectly willing to accept money from your parents for your children, but you aren't willing to accept it for yourself. The money is, by extension, benefitting you because that's that much less money you have to provide for your children yourself. It's saving you from having to put more of your hard earned money into your children's savings account.

kcisthebombdotcom · July 2010

amy052006:
crazystace:
wife1014:

It' snot as if we are not taking "handouts" because we cannot afford things.

It is not an embarrasment when you are living very comfortably without these said gifts, as we are.

Agreed.

I actually think if it is important to your parents to feel like they are helping, even if you don't "need" it, you are kind of a petulant brat to turn them down.

For example, my parents really want to buy the nursery furniture. We don't need them to do it, but I think I would look like an ungrateful twat if I basically said, "No, your money is no good here. You can do nothing to help me."

It isn't always about you as the recipient and whatever chips you have on your shoulder -- sometimes it is about the giver and the satisfaction they get.

My parents of course bought gifts for my son, but I wouldn't want them to buy the single most expensive baby purchase we made. We wanted an expensive crib/matching armoire/dresser that was going to last a long time. It was our baby splurge. When someone offers to help, I don't say "here's the most expensive thing we want, you get it!". I think there's a difference between letting someone help out and taking advantage of someone's kindness. Plus, my parents have much more fun buying clothes/toys for DS (and it wasn't taking as much out of their pocket).

pawcall · July 2010

I don't give even a fraction of a crap if people take money from their parents for college/wedding/a house. I really don't. I personally haven't taken money from my family for those things, but I'm sure there are a myriad of other things I have taken - (my LO's crib comes to mind. My grandparents are buying the crib for us.). Whatever the heck works for your family and your financial situation is fine with me, and I see no reason to side-eye people for it.

That said, we will *not* be planning on paying for LO's future wedding or house. I know people who start funds for these things when they get pregnant, or when their child is born. Sorry kid. I *personally* think those things are things you should accomplish on your own as an adult, so that's how we'll raise our children.

themissizz · July 2010

KC_13:
My parents of course bought gifts for my son, but I wouldn't want them to buy the single most expensive baby purchase we made. We wanted an expensive crib/matching armoire/dresser that was going to last a long time. It was our baby splurge. When someone offers to help, I don't say "here's the most expensive thing we want, you get it!". I think there's a difference between letting someone help out and taking advantage of someone's kindness. Plus, my parents have much more fun buying clothes/toys for DS (and it wasn't taking as much out of their pocket).

A lot of future grandparents really WANT to buy the nursery furniture. It seems like it's a pretty common thing. It doesn't sound like the PP's parents were looking for suggestions of what to buy for the baby and she suggested the nursery furniture. That being said, my parents never offered to buy furniture, so we just went out and bought it ourselves. If they really wanted that to be their gift to us, I wouldn't turn them down.

KatieM1106 · July 2010

amy052006:

I actually think if it is important to your parents to feel like they are helping, even if you don't "need" it, you are kind of a petulant brat to turn them down.
For example, my parents really want to buy the nursery furniture. We don't need them to do it, but I think I would look like an ungrateful twat if I basically said, "No, your money is no good here. You can do nothing to help me."
It isn't always about you as the recipient and whatever chips you have on your shoulder -- sometimes it is about the giver and the satisfaction they get.

Thank you. Although my family and DH's family are not in a position to ever give us a large gift again (they helped with our wedding), I think that people should accept gifts.

Maybe it comes from my religion, where good works are important. I try to be as generous as I can be with what I have. If I offer to help people, I am trying to make their lives a bit easer, to lighten their load.

If someone wants to do something for me, I say "yes," because I will not deny someone the chance to live out his/her calling to do good. So, if parents can help a couple buy their "forever" home, so the couple can focus on saving money for retirement, their children's education, etc., I have no problem with it.

kcisthebombdotcom · July 2010

slwhatley:
KC_13:
slwhatley:
KC_13:

On the contrary, I find it absurd to take money from family, even if they can afford it and they offer it! My parents offer me money all.the.time. When my car broke down and it was $1,000, they offered to pay. When they wanted to pay for my son's furniture, I bought it before they could do so. I don't have a problem if they want to put cash in DS's college funds for holidays or whatever, but things for me personally? Never and when things are offered I refuse. I feel pride in paying my own way. I could have gotten a bigger house with the money my parents had leftover from college tuition, but I didn't. I felt that saving that money for my children's future was a better investment. Since we didn't need the money (or a huge house), why use it? We were just fine buying a house in foreclosure, putting our own money and work into it, and now we have a nice house with a good amount of money in equity in the house. When we sell it, we'll use the profit for a down payment on a bigger house. I could have had a bigger house from the get-go, but I didn't need instant gratification. It will feel 20 times better when we get that bigger house from our smart choices and our hard work, and it's a much better lesson than getting it handed to us.

I just couldn't take stuff from my family, regardless of how wealthy they are. I'd be embarassed. I'd never have too much pride to ask for help if we really needed it (which we'd pay back, of course), but since we don't need anyone's help I don't get why I should just take it solely because it's offered. My DH's income pays for us just fine. Not knocking yours or anyone else's choices, I just can't imagine.

Newsflash: Taking the money and putting into your child's savings account is no different than putting it towards your mortgage. Either way, you're providing for your family and accepting a handout.

How so? Buying a bigger house with money that could be used for my son's (and future LOs) savings isn't providing something beneficial to my family. How is a larger house providing better for your family? I don't get it.

Who says the house has to be bigger? You could've purchased the exact same house and put more money down, thus creating more equity and then rolled that extra money into your child's savings account. Either way, the money would be in your child's savings and it was received from your family.

This is of course assuming that you would still have a savings account for your children if you had not received said "handout".

That wouldn't have made sense financially. The money has been sitting in mutual funds for years. To throw that money into a house and start putting money in it from scratch would be foolish. Regardless of what's it in or what's not, we would still contribute the same exact amount to my children's future no matter what. I think there's a huge difference between taking gifts from parents for luxuries you don't need and letting your parents put money towards your child's future-maybe others don't see it but I do.

CinemaGoddess · July 2010

KC_13:

That wouldn't have made sense financially. The money has been sitting in mutual funds for years. To throw that money into a house and start putting money in it from scratch would be foolish. Regardless of what's it in or what's not, we would still contribute the same exact amount to my children's future no matter what. I think there's a huge difference between taking gifts from parents for luxuries you don't need and letting your parents put money towards your child's future-maybe others don't see it but I do.

Apparentely, your idea of "luxury" and mine are different. Unless you're living in a van down by the river, a home isn't a luxury. A pony is a luxury. A brand new BMW on their 16th birthday is a luxury.

kcisthebombdotcom · July 2010

crazystace:
KC_13:

My parents of course bought gifts for my son, but I wouldn't want them to buy the single most expensive baby purchase we made. We wanted an expensive crib/matching armoire/dresser that was going to last a long time. It was our baby splurge. When someone offers to help, I don't say "here's the most expensive thing we want, you get it!". I think there's a difference between letting someone help out and taking advantage of someone's kindness. Plus, my parents have much more fun buying clothes/toys for DS (and it wasn't taking as much out of their pocket).

A lot of future grandparents really WANT to buy the nursery furniture. It seems like it's a pretty common thing. It doesn't sound like the PP's parents were looking for suggestions of what to buy for the baby and she suggested the nursery furniture. That being said, my parents never offered to buy furniture, so we just went out and bought it ourselves. If they really wanted that to be their gift to us, I wouldn't turn them down.

I wasn't saying that's what the PP was getting at. I was making a point that sometimes it's not as easy as just letting your parents buy the most expensive gift. If you knew the furniture set would be a financial burden (as much as my parents offer their assistance, they are far from rich) but you wanted that set yourself, what would you do? Buy furniture that was less expensive but wasn't what you wanted? Let them spend a lot of money on something you want even though they could be saving their money for things they actually need for themselves? I don't know, maybe if my parents were rich I'd have a different opinion.

mhazel1204 · July 2010

I've worked since I was 14 yrs old. Why? Because my mom wouldn't pay for expensive jeans. She said if I want them that bad then I can work for them. So I did! From there I bought my own cars, paid for my own education, paid for half of my wedding and dh and I bought our home ourselves. I used to think my parents suck for not paying for more (they could afford to do so). But now looking back, I am glad they did what they did. It taught me financial responsibility early on and that's priceless.

Just because parents have money doesn't mean they should give it to you. It's their money, they worked hard for it. My FFC: If you want things in life, earn them yourself.

And FWIW, it took dh and I YEARS of saving and sacrifice to save our down payment and we have a modest home. It's worth the wait and the feeling of pride that we did it on our own is amazing!

wife1014 · July 2010

slwhatley:
KC_13:
slwhatley:
KC_13:

On the contrary, I find it absurd to take money from family, even if they can afford it and they offer it! My parents offer me money all.the.time. When my car broke down and it was $1,000, they offered to pay. When they wanted to pay for my son's furniture, I bought it before they could do so. I don't have a problem if they want to put cash in DS's college funds for holidays or whatever, but things for me personally? Never and when things are offered I refuse. I feel pride in paying my own way. I could have gotten a bigger house with the money my parents had leftover from college tuition, but I didn't. I felt that saving that money for my children's future was a better investment. Since we didn't need the money (or a huge house), why use it? We were just fine buying a house in foreclosure, putting our own money and work into it, and now we have a nice house with a good amount of money in equity in the house. When we sell it, we'll use the profit for a down payment on a bigger house. I could have had a bigger house from the get-go, but I didn't need instant gratification. It will feel 20 times better when we get that bigger house from our smart choices and our hard work, and it's a much better lesson than getting it handed to us.

I just couldn't take stuff from my family, regardless of how wealthy they are. I'd be embarassed. I'd never have too much pride to ask for help if we really needed it (which we'd pay back, of course), but since we don't need anyone's help I don't get why I should just take it solely because it's offered. My DH's income pays for us just fine. Not knocking yours or anyone else's choices, I just can't imagine.

Newsflash: Taking the money and putting into your child's savings account is no different than putting it towards your mortgage. Either way, you're providing for your family and accepting a handout.

How so? Buying a bigger house with money that could be used for my son's (and future LOs) savings isn't providing something beneficial to my family. How is a larger house providing better for your family? I don't get it.

Who says the house has to be bigger? You could've purchased the exact same house and put more money down, thus creating more equity and then rolled that extra money into your child's savings account. Either way, the money would be in your child's savings and it was received from your family.

This is of course assuming that you would still have a savings account for your children if you had not received said "handout".

which is exactly what we did! Bottom line is when there is that much money in a family, it is often given whether it be a double down payment or a crib. You don't say no, you say thank you. My husband is not a spoiled brat and has held a job since he was 15. When we met he had a huge savings account and no debt. His father has never once had to bail him or us out of anything. He would never think of asking us if we needed money to repair a car, nor does he give us money to pay our bills. I think our situations are so different that you are correct...agree to disgree.

kcisthebombdotcom · July 2010

cinema_goddess:

KC_13:

That wouldn't have made sense financially. The money has been sitting in mutual funds for years. To throw that money into a house and start putting money in it from scratch would be foolish. Regardless of what's it in or what's not, we would still contribute the same exact amount to my children's future no matter what. I think there's a huge difference between taking gifts from parents for luxuries you don't need and letting your parents put money towards your child's future-maybe others don't see it but I do.

Apparentely, your idea of "luxury" and mine are different. Unless you're living in a van down by the river, a home isn't a luxury. A pony is a luxury. A brand new BMW on their 16th birthday is a luxury.

I see a larger house or more money for a down payment as a luxury. It wasn't anything I needed.

Mjmksb04 · July 2010

Venus04d:

Bailey81:
The more I read about bleeding nipples, thrush, and leakage, the less I want to breastfeed.

I have no opposition to women who choose to FF because they physically can't, it isn't practical b/c of work, etc.

I think reasons like I don't want my nipples to hurt and bleed are selfish and immature.

Why do so many people expect motherhood to be painless these days?

Eh, I went straight to formula with DS probably for what many would consider selfish reasons and have no regrets. My DS is healthy as a horse and I was able to maintain my sanity his first year. Why do people care so much about how others feed their babies and what I do or don't do with my breasts?

And we purchased our first home thanks to an inheritance I received from my grandparents. I guess that wouldn't "impress" some of you, but I wasn't really out to impress people by buying a house. My H and I both work FT and are very responsible with our money, so I don't see why it matters how our home was purchased.

themissizz · July 2010

KC_13:
crazystace:
KC_13:

My parents of course bought gifts for my son, but I wouldn't want them to buy the single most expensive baby purchase we made. We wanted an expensive crib/matching armoire/dresser that was going to last a long time. It was our baby splurge. When someone offers to help, I don't say "here's the most expensive thing we want, you get it!". I think there's a difference between letting someone help out and taking advantage of someone's kindness. Plus, my parents have much more fun buying clothes/toys for DS (and it wasn't taking as much out of their pocket).

A lot of future grandparents really WANT to buy the nursery furniture. It seems like it's a pretty common thing. It doesn't sound like the PP's parents were looking for suggestions of what to buy for the baby and she suggested the nursery furniture. That being said, my parents never offered to buy furniture, so we just went out and bought it ourselves. If they really wanted that to be their gift to us, I wouldn't turn them down.

I wasn't saying that's what the PP was getting at. I was making a point that sometimes it's not as easy as just letting your parents buy the most expensive gift. If you knew the furniture set would be a financial burden (as much as my parents offer their assistance, they are far from rich) but you wanted that set yourself, what would you do? Buy furniture that was less expensive but wasn't what you wanted? Let them spend a lot of money on something you want even though they could be saving their money for things they actually need for themselves? I don't know, maybe if my parents were rich I'd have a different opinion.

Okay, gotcha now.

kcisthebombdotcom · July 2010

mhazel1204:

I've worked since I was 14 yrs old. Why? Because my mom wouldn't pay for expensive jeans. She said if I want them that bad then I can work for them. So I did! From there I bought my own cars, paid for my own education, paid for half of my wedding and dh and I bought our home ourselves. I used to think my parents suck for not paying for more (they could afford to do so). But now looking back, I am glad they did what they did. It taught me financial responsibility early on and that's priceless.

Just because parents have money doesn't mean they should give it to you. It's their money, they worked hard for it. My FFC: If you want things in life, earn them yourself.

And FWIW, it took dh and I YEARS of saving and sacrifice to save our down payment and we have a modest home. It's worth the wait and the feeling of pride that we did it on our own is amazing!

Ahh, FINALLY someone who understands where I'm coming from...

wife1014 · July 2010

cinema_goddess:

KC_13:

That wouldn't have made sense financially. The money has been sitting in mutual funds for years. To throw that money into a house and start putting money in it from scratch would be foolish. Regardless of what's it in or what's not, we would still contribute the same exact amount to my children's future no matter what. I think there's a huge difference between taking gifts from parents for luxuries you don't need and letting your parents put money towards your child's future-maybe others don't see it but I do.

what if they do both? God, that must really make us look like spoiled brats!

Apparentely, your idea of "luxury" and mine are different. Unless you're living in a van down by the river, a home isn't a luxury. A pony is a luxury. A brand new BMW on their 16th birthday is a luxury.

CinemaGoddess · July 2010

KC_13:
cinema_goddess:

KC_13:

That wouldn't have made sense financially. The money has been sitting in mutual funds for years. To throw that money into a house and start putting money in it from scratch would be foolish. Regardless of what's it in or what's not, we would still contribute the same exact amount to my children's future no matter what. I think there's a huge difference between taking gifts from parents for luxuries you don't need and letting your parents put money towards your child's future-maybe others don't see it but I do.

Apparentely, your idea of "luxury" and mine are different. Unless you're living in a van down by the river, a home isn't a luxury. A pony is a luxury. A brand new BMW on their 16th birthday is a luxury.

I see a larger house or more money for a down payment as a luxury. It wasn't anything I needed.

So....if your parents give your kids money for college, does that automatically mean your kids are going to Oxford or Harvard? Or will they still go to the state school with a transfer from a community college?

Just because people receive money from their parents, that doesn't immediately mean the people are buying the more expensive item, whether it be a crib or a house. Like wife said, receiving money for a downpayment on a home that you've already decided that you want doesn't mean that you're going to give up that 3br/2 ba house that costs $175,000 and go for the 5 br/4 ba McMansion that costs twice that much.

Emjay221 · July 2010

hot_tamale:
You think a townhouse for 320,000 is a HCOL? Oh honey, don't come to CA. That is nothing. And not knocking you, but 11K aint much either. I could save that in my sleep. That said, I would totally take free money from my family and wouldn't give two craps what anyone thought about it. Money is just something to buy things with. You can't take it with you when you die. If your family wants to help you out, I think that is great.

I can haz money???

kcisthebombdotcom · July 2010

wife1014:
cinema_goddess:

KC_13:

That wouldn't have made sense financially. The money has been sitting in mutual funds for years. To throw that money into a house and start putting money in it from scratch would be foolish. Regardless of what's it in or what's not, we would still contribute the same exact amount to my children's future no matter what. I think there's a huge difference between taking gifts from parents for luxuries you don't need and letting your parents put money towards your child's future-maybe others don't see it but I do.

what if they do both? God, that must really make us look like spoiled brats!

Apparentely, your idea of "luxury" and mine are different. Unless you're living in a van down by the river, a home isn't a luxury. A pony is a luxury. A brand new BMW on their 16th birthday is a luxury.

I'm not saying you're a "spoiled brat", I'm a better child than you, or anything like that. It's just not what I would do personally with my life. You thought it was absurd to not take expensive things from your family when they offer, I think it's absurd to do that. Agree to disagree.

MAtoMN · July 2010

My confession is that I don't understand why people care so much what others on a message board think. So what if someone thinks it is bad that you took money from your parents for a house, as long as you are fine with it? Who cares if someone likes/doesn't like dogs? Who cares if someone thinks photos of adults on Christmas cards are stupid? We all have our own opinions about such things, and are entitled to them. No one needs to defend their opinion about such unimportant things, or get worked up if someone doesn't agree!

kcisthebombdotcom · July 2010

cinema_goddess:
KC_13:
cinema_goddess:

KC_13:

That wouldn't have made sense financially. The money has been sitting in mutual funds for years. To throw that money into a house and start putting money in it from scratch would be foolish. Regardless of what's it in or what's not, we would still contribute the same exact amount to my children's future no matter what. I think there's a huge difference between taking gifts from parents for luxuries you don't need and letting your parents put money towards your child's future-maybe others don't see it but I do.

Apparentely, your idea of "luxury" and mine are different. Unless you're living in a van down by the river, a home isn't a luxury. A pony is a luxury. A brand new BMW on their 16th birthday is a luxury.

I see a larger house or more money for a down payment as a luxury. It wasn't anything I needed.

So....if your parents give your kids money for college, does that automatically mean your kids are going to Oxford or Harvard? Or will they still go to the state school with a transfer from a community college?

Just because people receive money from their parents, that doesn't immediately mean the people are buying the more expensive item, whether it be a crib or a house. Like wife said, receiving money for a downpayment on a home that you've already decided that you want doesn't mean that you're going to give up that 3br/2 ba house that costs $175,000 and go for the 5 br/4 ba McMansion that costs twice that much.

I didn't necessarily say it was college. The way I was raised was that family contributed to a mutual fund (although we're doing DS's as partly a Roth account) for my "future". If he (or LO #2) wants to use that money for college, great! If he doesn't, he can do whatever he wants with it. That's assuming it's a responsible choice-the account would be in my name and I would approve/disappove choices made with the money. Buying crack or a Mercedes when he's 16 would not be a permitted use of the money. lol. Hopefully, he'll keep saving it for future generations, and it would be a large amount of money. But if he wanted it for a down payment, I would support that.

missesru · July 2010

FancyFeet10:
missesru:
Mrs.Johns:
FancyFeet10:

Mrs.Johns:
Along the lines of the house thing.... If I hear your parents either 1. paid your down payment or 2. helped with the down payment I am immediately NOT impressed by your home purchase. Immediately. I don't care if it's a freaking castle with a cherry on top. In my eyes a home is something that you should work hard for and taking money for a down payment is pretty pathetic. Even if my parents offered it to me I don't think I could have accepted it because that would take away from the fact that we did it all by ourselves.

My parents have offered to help b/c that is what their parents did for them. We live in a very HCOL area and the minimum down payment is 3.5%. A modest townhouse around here is at least $320,000 (i.e. down payment is $11,200). I know very few people who have that kind of money just sitting in an account (and yes, both of us work and save as much as we can). Will we pay them back if we accept their offer? Yup. Do I think it's pathetic? Nope.

I live right outside of Boston and we bought our own house with no help. It's still a handout. That's why it's hard to buy a house, because you have to be patient while you save.

LOVE THIS. exactly x 100.

There is also the option to moving to a lower COL area. People are full of excuses when they are justifying their "entitlement".

Whoa, never did I say I was "entitled" to anything! If you read my posts, you'll see that they offered it to us (without asking, it was a huge surprise to us!), and we haven't decided whether or not we will accept it. The entire area surrounding both my job and DH's is a HCOL area. We already live in the slightly lower COL area (30 min commute) and moving to where it is even lower would probably mean a 1.5 hr commute each way. And to be honest, it doesn't work out moneywise to be that much different (gas, more wear/tear on the car). And no, it's not like we can just find the jobs we do anywhere. Mine is pretty specialized as is DH's.

I should have clarified.. my response there was not directed or related to your post.. just an "in general" statement. My original post was about a post I read where a couple was turned down for a mortgage because they couldn't afford it, but were claiming it was strictly because they were expecting... A second convo (which is very heated obviously) started around money from relatives for downpayments... I'm staying out of that one (for now)... so yeah - my post is not directed at you.

CinemaGoddess · July 2010

KC_13:

I didn't necessarily say it was college. The way I was raised was that family contributed to a mutual fund (although we're doing DS's as partly a Roth account) for my "future". If he (or LO #2) wants to use that money for college, great! If he doesn't, he can do whatever he wants with it. That's assuming it's a responsible choice-the account would be in my name and I would approve/disappove choices made with the money. Buying crack or a Mercedes when he's 16 would not be a permitted use of the money. lol. Hopefully, he'll keep saving it for future generations, and it would be a large amount of money. But if he wanted it for a down payment, I would support that.

This makes my brain hurt. On the one hand, he's free to use it how he wishes. On the other hand, he can only use it for what you deem appropriate. And lastly, hopefully he won't use it at all so it can be passed down to future generations but never actually used, like the family silver or grandma's pearls.

pawcall · July 2010

Maybe this one's flamey enough.

DH wants to write a "Christmas letter" to send out every year once the baby is born. The thought makes me cringe, but I told him he could if he really wanted to. People who don't want to read it can throw it away.

FancyFeet10 · July 2010

missesru:
FancyFeet10:
missesru:
Mrs.Johns:
FancyFeet10:

Mrs.Johns:
Along the lines of the house thing.... If I hear your parents either 1. paid your down payment or 2. helped with the down payment I am immediately NOT impressed by your home purchase. Immediately. I don't care if it's a freaking castle with a cherry on top. In my eyes a home is something that you should work hard for and taking money for a down payment is pretty pathetic. Even if my parents offered it to me I don't think I could have accepted it because that would take away from the fact that we did it all by ourselves.

My parents have offered to help b/c that is what their parents did for them. We live in a very HCOL area and the minimum down payment is 3.5%. A modest townhouse around here is at least $320,000 (i.e. down payment is $11,200). I know very few people who have that kind of money just sitting in an account (and yes, both of us work and save as much as we can). Will we pay them back if we accept their offer? Yup. Do I think it's pathetic? Nope.

I live right outside of Boston and we bought our own house with no help. It's still a handout. That's why it's hard to buy a house, because you have to be patient while you save.

LOVE THIS. exactly x 100.

There is also the option to moving to a lower COL area. People are full of excuses when they are justifying their "entitlement".

Whoa, never did I say I was "entitled" to anything! If you read my posts, you'll see that they offered it to us (without asking, it was a huge surprise to us!), and we haven't decided whether or not we will accept it. The entire area surrounding both my job and DH's is a HCOL area. We already live in the slightly lower COL area (30 min commute) and moving to where it is even lower would probably mean a 1.5 hr commute each way. And to be honest, it doesn't work out moneywise to be that much different (gas, more wear/tear on the car). And no, it's not like we can just find the jobs we do anywhere. Mine is pretty specialized as is DH's.

I should have clarified.. my response there was not directed or related to your post.. just an "in general" statement. My original post was about a post I read where a couple was turned down for a mortgage because they couldn't afford it, but were claiming it was strictly because they were expecting... A second convo (which is very heated obviously) started around money from relatives for downpayments... I'm staying out of that one (for now)... so yeah - my post is not directed at you.

Ah, okay. Thank you for clarifying! Smile

themissizz · July 2010

cdobry01:
Maybe this one's flamey enough.
DH wants to write a "Christmas letter" to send out every year once the baby is born. The thought makes me cringe, but I told him he could if he really wanted to. People who don't want to read it can throw it away.

I always loved reading the Christmas letters that my parents would get in the mail. As long as they aren't insanely braggy and include lots of pictures, I still enjoy reading them every Christmas when I stop at my parents' house!

hot_tamale · July 2010

Emjay221:
hot_tamale:
You think a townhouse for 320,000 is a HCOL? Oh honey, don't come to CA. That is nothing. And not knocking you, but 11K aint much either. I could save that in my sleep. That said, I would totally take free money from my family and wouldn't give two craps what anyone thought about it. Money is just something to buy things with. You can't take it with you when you die. If your family wants to help you out, I think that is great.
I can haz money???

Lol. Only if you can pry it from my hubby's cold dead hands. That man is a tight wad! Totally loves his and (by extension) my money.

mamafoxX2 · July 2010

I bought my DDs lifetime hunting and fishing license and will for DD2. I also purchased one of those Gerber Life Insurance policies, so she'll either have a cheap, small Life insurance policy or a little bit of money when she turns 21.

I don't feel like this 'entitles' her at all. Its not a lot of money, and she may never use the hunting license, but its me and DH's contribution to her future.

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