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Adoption
New Here
I haven't been posting on here for quite some time, but am currently pg with my 5th attempt after using 2 frozen embryos from our 1st IVF cycle. You can read about my horrific pg history in my sig., but it appears that after my hCG #s were superb (118 9 days post transfer) on Monday, they aren't really progressing like they should (high 130s yesterday--11 days post transfer) and it appears I'm headed for my 5th loss. This was our last chance since we have no more embryos and I refuse to go through all of the hell again due to major issues with the fertility medications and injections.
Up to this point, my husband was completely against considering adoption and I wasn't totally sold on the idea either because I wanted my own child produced from our genes and carried in my body. After all of the loss and heartache and coming to the dreaded realization, especially if this doesn't work out, that I am incapable of not only conceiving a child naturally but carrying a child even with assisted methods, I am to the point of looking into adoption.
My husband and I had a deal that if I would go through this crap one more time to use our frozen embryos since he wanted to do so, if things didn't work out that he would be open to considering other options. I am concerned that adoption is an incredibly daunting experience and I'm not quite sure where to start. Any help and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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Re: New Here
Hi. I'm sorry for your losses. I have had 6 losses myself. I understand the dissapointment. Once you make the decision to leave IF treatments, there is definitely a sense of mourning. Up until my c/p in November, the thought of never having a bio kid seemed the like end of the world. The end all, be all. But after that, I just got fed up. IF From then on out, IF treatments held zero hope for us. DH has always been very open to adoption. What I have realized, and what I know deep in my heart, is that I just want to be a mother. I just want to see my DH be a father. We just want to be parents. And I realize now that biology is the least of what makes someone a parent. The biology link is actually the least important to me. I am still mourning the loss of experiencing a full term pregnancy and birth, and all that goes with it. But what is much scarier to me is never being a mother period. Adoption, for us, is not a last resort or a consolation prize or a settlement. It is just a different path to the same place. We could try IVF, but our RE does not think it would do us any good, and quite honestly I don't think there is any point in risking it, not with history totally stacked against me. I would much rather put every resource, money, time, emotions, stress, into adoption.
I would reccomend picking up the book Adoption for Dummies. I think it is a good starting place. It explains about the different types/routes of adoption and pros/cons to each. It's just a good introduction.
Also, I debated saying something, but it bothered me and I could not stop thinking about it, so I will go ahead and say it. I find that the phrase, "my own child" when referring to a bio kid is very hurtful, and I am willing to bet others will too. I'm sorry, but an adopted child is just as much "our own" as a bio could would be. We are called mommy and daddy, just like with a bio kid. We are the parents. The baby isn't anyone elses. I think that once adoption is truly in your heart, you never use those phrases because they just aren't how things are. KWIM? I hope that makes sense. Once you make the decision to adopt, and it is in your heart, you just don't think that way anymore.
GL to you!
I ditto what the PP said.
Also I think that a certain amount of grieving needs to happen before you move forward, since you still seem so hesitant and your DH isn't even sure how he feels.
Have you thought about embryo adoption? It's possible that you can carry A baby, just not your embryos...
Good luck thinking through all your options.
Thanks a lot for the post. It really helps to hear from someone who truly understands the severity of loss I've experienced and can help me see adoption in different terms to help push me towards accepting that path into my life.
Since I'm new with the whole idea of adoption, I'm not up on the pc terms and phrases to use/not use, so I'm sorry if it was upsetting when I posted that I had always wanted "my own child." I'm still struggling with the idea of not having a bio baby--someone to share my dirty blond hair and blue/green eyes, or possibly my hubby's red hair and freckles. I also am still struggling with the idea that I will never experience the bond a bio mom forms during those 9 months of carrying a child in her womb. But I really appreciate what you said about knowing the most important thing for you is to be a mom and that is really how I feel too, so that will definitely help me in my mental processing of everything in the next few weeks to come when I begin to sit down more seriously with my hubby to discuss considering adoption.
Actually, in the past 5 years we have taken lots of time off to grieve all of our losses, so I'm very much certain I am going to be ready to move on to looking more seriously into adoption if this pg doesn't work out. My hubby and I are in our mid-thirties and not getting any younger, so it is time for us to begin considering and discussing other options.
For 5 years since determining I could not get pg on my own w/o RE assistance, I have struggled with the idea of adopting--I have several coworkers who were adopted and many friends who know others who have adopted and have had conversations with them. The major issue I still am having is due to my profession and the experiences I have had with students who have been adopted (I am a high school counselor) and parents of students of mine who have communicated to me their struggles throughout the years having adopted. But most of all, itis hard when I know how adamantly opposed my hubby was with it over a year ago when I first brought it up to him. I know he is open to it now, but we haven't really sat down to discuss it seriously yet because he is an eternal optimist and is still holding out hope that this pg will work out for us.
As for adopting embryos, I have SEVERAL genetic issues that have been discovered in the past few years so other than no one really understanding why I can't seem to get pg naturally on my own, I have a lot of other things stacked against me in regards to carrying a child. So that unfortunately is out as well as even considering a surrogate to carry our embryos--my 2 IVF cycles showed that I have an issue with my egg quality as well. But I greatly appreciate you responding and giving some advice.
I think that you are in a good place to start exploring adoption. One thing that struck me is your personal experience with adoptees.
When asking others for their experiences with adoption, realize that people that are over 25 or so probably are not in "open adoption" type situations (and don't let that scare you!). It's hard to talk about experiences and compare a child that knows his or her orgins, whatever they may be, and an adult who had no information and may still have questions. Apples and oranges.
Also, realize that while you've seen parents and kids struggle with issues which surface as "adoption issues", adolescent issues are going to happen regardless of situations. I know I don't need to tell you that
but it's important to realize that we all hear the worst stories related to adoption. Well adjusted, happy kids are probably not in your office talking about adoption loss. That's not to say your adopted child won't struggle but keeping perspective is important.
Good luck....this is a friendly board. We don't really get hung up top much on the PCness of adoption. Ask questions. Someone might help you reframe your question but you'll find lots of support here!
PS- In my personal experience, husbands all take longer w/adoption. In my adoption circle, all of our husbands started out much more shy about it.
PPS- Many of us still mourn not having the experience of seeing our genes in our child. I am sure that's the same as people who choose not have babies. Little things will pop up when least expected and make you wonder what it would have been like...and that's okay and normal
In addition to what everyone else said I'm going to recommend two additional books.
"Adopting After Infertility" by Patricia Irwin Johnston
"Children of Open Adotpion" by Kathleen Silber and Patricia Dorner
The first book is dated, but does help you figure out the best path for your family and helps you figure out what's most important to you. I found it fairly therpeutic.
I would then read one of the generic adoption books like Adoption for Dummies before moving on to the second book.
The second book introduces you to the concept of open adoption and what that can mean. It also brings you through how kids react to open adoption throughout their different developmental stages. There are very few traditionally closed adoptions anymore, but openess can mean so many different things.
Good luck and I am so very sorry to hear of your losses.
TTC since May 2006. After 3 failed Clomid cycles, 2 failed Injectibles/IUIs, 2 failed IVFs and 1 failed FET, we moved on to adoption!
Last ditch FET resulted in BFP, and identical twin girls!
Its hard for me to truly relate to your situation seeing as how I have a bio DD and an adopted DD. WIth that said...we adopted bc of IF and then of course I'm that girl who got pregnant after....blah blah blah haha. Anyways...I think going to local agency meeting might really help you and your DH open up the idea of adoption and make you see what its truly all about. And if it really is for you or not. It's not for everyone and remember thats OKAY if you decide you can't do it. You don't want that child or you to feel different - it's not fair to either of you.
There is no denying you a quit jaded about adoption bc of your line of work but like the pp said you don't see the adopted children in your office that have zero problems and I bet you a million bucks there are TONS of adopted children at your school that you have no idea they were adopted and fit in just fine. Im sure you also see a lot of bio children that are a hot mess as well...you can't fully blame "adoption" on an adopted child having teenage issues.
With that said I would go online and look around for local agencies and start calling, see if they have any up coming meetings or see if you can sit down with a Social Worker to talk. Im sure they will be MORE than happy to talk with you and hold your hand through the whole process.
Also I wanted to quickly add my 2cents on the whole bonding with the baby 9 months stuff.....I can HONESTLY tell you I bonded about a MILLION times faster with my adopted DD than I did with my bio DD. I don't know why....we just clicked and that was that. WIth my bio DD it tooks MONTHS for us to really get each other and to this day I feel like I might have a bit stronger bond with my adopted DD (not that I love either one of them more than the other, lets make this very clear). So I just wanted to make it clear to you that just bc you carry a child in your belly doesn't = bond and just bc you didn't doesn't = forced bond.
Hang in there and ask questions when you need to....its a scary thing starting ANYTHING new but so was IVF...at least this time you WILL walk away with a baby....
((hugs))
"I have four children. Two are adopted. I forget which two. -Bob Constantine
"All for Love,' a Saviour prayed 'Abba Father have Your way. Though they know not what they do...Let the Cross draw men to You...."
I am so sorry about your losses, I cannot even imagine the pain of losing a child. My husband and I have been TTC for almost 5 years but have never gotten pregnant in that time. We started trying to adopt almost 2 years ago.
Adoption can be very daunting lol. There are so many agencies and professionals out there! Make sure when you do your research you find out if infertility counseling is required or how much time you must wait after infertility treatment/loss before you can begin with that professional, how many placements are made per year, what fees are upfront, what fees can be lost if a bm changes her mind, average wait times, etc.
My husband and I went with a Christian agency that has offices across the US but each works within their own state. It ended up turning into a horrible nightmare for us. When I look back I am always trying to figure out what I forgot to ask and how it ended so badly. Unfortunately, and they have stated this as well, it was nothing that my husband and I did. They just need to screen who they want to accept into their program better and much earlier. (They had all our information ahead of time and 18 months later decided we weren't fit for the program, mainly b/c my hubby's dad is in prison.)
They changed the way we view agencies and now we're struggling to find someone we trust. I suggest writing out a list of questions to ask each professional and after getting all the information, make a list with the pros and cons of each one. That's what I have started to do and it is helping. I'm not sure we will go back with an agency but we have an active home study and are looking for private situations right now!! We will find our baby!
(PS my husband and I never knew adoption would be apart of our lives. We admired those who adopted but never gave it a second thought until we dealt with infertility. I started researching a year before we decided and even after 2 years trying to adopt I still have my days where I get so angry that I cannot just get pregnant. I have talked to many people who say it's a natural thing to feel, so know you're not alone in those feelings!)
GL, I wish you the very best!
Welcome! I'm so sorry for your losses.
My personal feeling is that adoption is not nearly as daunting as fertility treatment. After reading many stories like yours on the infertility board, I decided to skip all of that because it seemed like such an emotional and physical roller coaster. Yes, adoption does also have it's challenges, but the one amazing thing that I can tell you about adoption is that if you choose this route, you absolutely WILL have a baby. It's not a matter of if, but only when. This is why I said to hell with the fertility treatments and just went with adopting.
Adoption is an amazing experience. We traveled from Atlanta to Las Vegas, met the birth mom and spent time with her in the hospital, and will always cherish the memories of the incredibly journey we took to adopt Logan. We are both insanely in love, and there is no way I could love our little guy any more if I had carried him for nine months and given birth to him myself.
A lot of people here recommend Adoption for Dummies, which I never read but it sounds like a good place to start. Your main options are as follows:
1) Adopting through foster care (inexpensive, but it can be difficult to adopt a newborn and you may have a placement and then have to send the child back to his or her parents if the parents get their act together and their rights aren't terminated)
2) Agency adoption - you pick an agency to work with. They do your home study, you give them a profile book, and they show you to potential birth mothers who then pick the couple to parent her child.
3) Private adoption - you network or advertise (which is illegal in some states) to locate a birth mother on your own. This can lead to a very inexpensive adoption, but it takes a lot of effort to find your own birth mom (we tried this with only a few leads and nothing ever came of it)
4) Working with a facilitator or consultant who networks with agencies all over the country so you have more situations to consider and are not limited to one agency. This is often a little more expensive than a typical agency adoption, but can also lead to a very quick placement. We took our baby home (well, to the hotel) 8 weeks after signing up with our adoption consultant. The average wait for our consultant right now is 3 - 5 months, and it's VERY rare for a couple to wait as long as a year - which can be an average wait time for some agencies.
Good luck with your research. Don't be intimidated - be excited! If you choose adoption, you are choosing a route where you are DEFINITELY going to be a mommy!
I appreciate what you're saying above, as I had similar sadness when we accepted our IF. As you start the adoption process, part of your caseworker's responsibilty will be to help you talk through this... It was hard for us as well, but is a natural part of grieving your IF.
After E came home, I can't imagine having any other child! Even though she doesn't share her genes with us, she is still 100% ours. My Dad said something really beautiful about her - that she doesn't share our genes, but she will share our values. And that shapes as much of her perspective and life choices as anything else. I've actually come to think of E's place in our family as bringing in new traits and talents that wouldn't have been here otherwise.
Anyways, just wanted to share some encouraging words! Good luck to you and your husband in the next stage of your journey to parenthood!