NTTCALR: My bio dad (long)

leneae10 · July 2010

This is bothering me. I have a biological father whom I've never met. His wife has always tried to get us all to meet, but it's just so weird. I spent SO many years wondering the "what if's" and now that it's kind of out there in the open, I'm pretty digusted.

I have her as a FB friend and people occasionally tag pictures of her and him, and he just looks so gross. I know this is totally mean, but I'm basing it on other things that lead me to think I will not ever want to meet him. They live in a trailer in a reallly really really nasty part of Houston. His kids seem to be trouble. (They are 17 and 13'ish - the younger one always has in school suspension and stuff).

I'm almost 30, I've know about him for 18 years. Now that we're in the same state, I think alot of the glamour of a secret father is lost. I kind of feel like if I go through with meeting him, it will have to be for some sort of reason. I don't feel like he can add anything to my life. He was awful to my mom (he beat her and sold drugs) although I can understand that people change. They were VERY young and stupid (teens).

I've been struggling with this for YEARS and have nowhere to turn. My true dad has passed (he would have supported me in meeting him no matter what) and my mom really doesn't like talking about it, so I don't talk to her about it. My DH thinks it would be a total waste of time.

WWTCALD?

tigers413 · July 2010

I never really had a father figure all my life.. I have a step-dad but nothing more. Biological dad, him and his family thinks that money solves everything so everytime I get the courage to talk to them (8, 12,16, 20 years old) they offer money..... who does that?? Huh? the 4 times I come to them its money. So I stopped at whatever relationship I had with him. Like your DH he thought it was a waste of time and he said you don't need that kind of stress. My mom doesn't like talking about it either so I don't go to her. I mean they were stupid and their families so to speak "arranged" the marriage.

So my advice: It is whatever you want to do, there will be "what ifs" but to dispose those "what ifs" try meet him once and if you don't like it then that's it you tried. Dinner perhaps but if you are not ready now try next year. Let me know how it goes. GL on your decision!

lorlei13 · July 2010

While it's not the same situation, I have yet to meet DH's biological father and honestly have no desire to. He treated DH like he was a financial burden and made him feel like he wasn't worth the time or energy. I don't know if I could ever like someone that caused someone I love so much pain.

With that being said, if you do decide to meet him, it isn't set in stone that you have to have any type of relationship with him. As you said, the glamour of a secret father is already gone so the only thing that you have left to lose by meeting him is the feeling you have about not knowing.

leneae10 · July 2010

You're both right. I chicken out every time, so maybe that says something. If Dh supported me to just to get through it, I guess that would be different. He just doesn't want to see me get hurt. Sometimes, I think if I just get hurt, I will be OVER it for good, you know?

I know it's a decision I have to make and stick with, but the urge doesn't really ever go away, it just gets suppressed throughout the year then pops back up at weird times. When I was pg with the boys, I wanted to get it over with then so he would never have to meet them. I guess that's kinda weird, too.

kmount · July 2010

That's tough. I work with the population it sounds like your dad is in, and I have to say that the biggest hurdle has been my own biases. Granted, many of them are warranted, but I've found a lot of really great people who have just made a lot of bad decisions in there, too.

Do what you need to do-- it's not his wife's decision, so regardless of her prodding, you need to feel comfortable with the choice. I'd probably do it if it were me, but that isn't to say that's the best option. Good luck, whatever you decide.

leneae10 · July 2010

kmount:

That's tough. I work with the population it sounds like your dad is in, and I have to say that the biggest hurdle has been my own biases. Granted, many of them are warranted, but I've found a lot of really great people who have just made a lot of bad decisions in there, too.

Do what you need to do-- it's not his wife's decision, so regardless of her prodding, you need to feel comfortable with the choice. I'd probably do it if it were me, but that isn't to say that's the best option. Good luck, whatever you decide.

thanks

damabo80 · July 2010

Hmmmm tough one. I guess, what would you hope to get out of meeting him? It seems like you already have a lot of your "missing father" questions answered, so meeting him wouldn't be able answer those.

Do you think that having him in your life could be a liability? Depending on how "stable" their life is at this point, is there any chance he (or his wife, or their kids) could become a drain on you (emotionally, financially, etc)?

Based on your email, I would probably say "eh, screw it" and not meet him. But, I know it's vastly different not being in that circumstance.

pandapepperoni · July 2010

Hmm that is so tough. I think based on what you have said he isn't going to bring any value to your life. However, I personally think it's important to know where you came from, just so it's not a question mark for you. I hope this doesn't sound rude, but I'm sure it will be a disappointment if you do meet him. But maybe that is a good thing. It may help you move on from the fantasy of what it might be like and allow you to see the reality of what it really is.

Good Luck!

millejj1 · July 2010

I can't offer any first hand experience, but I somewhat agree with pp. It may be a good thing to meet him, realize that he is or isn't exactly what you expected and be able to close that chapter of your life and move on. It sounds like if you go in with low expectations and don't seek a relationship than it wouldn't do any harm and then you wouldn't have to spend time thinking about it anymore.

Although, if you think that he and his family could negatively impact your life than even going that far probably isn't worth it.

Good luck!

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