Do you and DH ever talk about "what if"?

dandyelle · July 2010

OK girls, I am going to bear my soul...

I harbor tremendous guilt that we do not have babies yet. I feel like it's my fault because I can't seem to keep a baby. I have asked DH if it's a deal breaker, and he gets sooooo mad at me for even thinking it (God, I love that man). But I still feel like I am holding him back, keeping him from something that another woman could probably give him. Sometimes I feel like he would have every right to resent me for this.

Do any of you ever feel this way? How do you cope?

rjl07 · July 2010

I feel that way sometimes too. I'm not sure if we cope or just ignore it. I think if the treatments end up not working then we will need to discuss it more and I'll have to figure out how not to feel so guilty. I actually think my guilt is worse with my dad. I think I'll feel worse not giving him grandchildren.

Court1 · July 2010

We have a ds, so it's a little different for us. My guilt is with him. He LOVES babies & I want to give him a sibling more than anything in the world. He's also at that age where strangers find it perfectly acceptable to ask "so, about time for another one, eh"?

Scout05 · July 2010

I feel like that all the time. It's killer.

M's family is incredibly fertile. His sisters and cousins all have kids. We are the only married couple without children, or who have dealt with loss, and we have been married longer than several of them.

I know how hard that is for him, and how much he wants to be a daddy, and I feel horrible guilt. If only he were with someone who wasn't dealing with the MTHFR or who knows what else, he wouldn't have to go through this.

M says "I don't want kids, I want kids with you." And I know he means it. It doesn't erase the guilt, but it helps.

:::Hugs::: There is not one part of this that is fair, for us or our guys.

babygirlpriest · July 2010

Honestly no. It never occured to me. But maybe it's because of our situation:

DH knew I wasn't sure I wanted kids going into the marriage. He was ok with a kid-less marriage.
Our IF issues are not just my 'fault' so there's no saying he'd have kids successfully with another woman.

ade2be · July 2010

We have. Its something that bothers me...although DH has kids from a previous marriage, I just feel like a failure.

Conversation normally doesn't last long. he is convinced that it will happen, some way. In fact, he's convinced that we don't need to consider adoption cause I will get pregnant. But to me, the cold hard facts is that we have 3 reasons that we're "infertile" and I have yet to carry a pregnancy. He's 43 and not getting any younger. I don't think it will upset him like it will me if we're not able to.

I just can't figure out how to be "ok" with being childless.

EKG · July 2010

I am in the same boat as Court. I think while my DH would like more children, he wouldn't be devasted if we only had DS. And while I would like another, I am trying to think more and more about the fact that we might only have one. DH and I have not even begun to discuss treatments so I have no idea how far he is willing to go in reference to that. So maybe one is a real possibility for us.

However, it breaks my heart to think that DS might be an only child. When we went through our loss our siblings were an immense help to us. I would hate to think of my DS not having that kind of support.

We are also getting the "when's the next one?" and "it's your turn" comments...it doesn't help that everyone is either PG with their second or just gave birth to their second. It makes me want to rip my hair out.

dandyelle · July 2010

ambrandau2:

I feel like that all the time. It's killer.

M's family is incredibly fertile. His sisters and cousins all have kids. We are the only married couple without children, or who have dealt with loss, and we have been married longer than several of them.

I know how hard that is for him, and how much he wants to be a daddy, and I feel horrible guilt. If only he were with someone who wasn't dealing with the MTHFR or who knows what else, he wouldn't have to go through this.

M says "I don't want kids, I want kids with you." And I know he means it. It doesn't erase the guilt, but it helps.

:::Hugs::: There is not one part of this that is fair, for us or our guys.

This is our situation too, but all of his siblings that have kids are hot messes... A few baby daddies, all on state assistance, so on and so on. We're the ones who have been married the longest, have good jobs and health insurance, and own our own home.

I know life isn't fair, but this seems excessively unfair.

BeachCole · July 2010

I have said that to DH before as well. He got really upset, because he doesn't see it like that at all. He tells me something similar to what Allison's DH says. That he wants a baby because he wants us to have a family, and that he wouldn't want that with anyone else. I still feel guilty because he's surrounded every day by kids that have kids, and it comes so easy for them. I know it hurts him, and that breaks my heart.

EntropicEpona · July 2010

In the 10 years it took us to get pregnant, I would ask Sean those questions, and he always answered that same thing Allison's DH did. "I don't want kids...I want kids with YOU."

You can imagine how excited we were when we finally DID get pregnant. Alas, it didn't last long. When I was at the deepest of my despair, he looked me in the eye and said "I would choose you over babies any day."

The man will be such an amazing father, and he wants it so bad. I feel like such a failure for being unable to give it to him, yet he always makes sure to reassure me. But still, I feel like a schmuck.

KristysRedBarn · July 2010

I feel this way too. Dh and I have talked about it. I've wondered is it my fault because I don't work hard enough to keep the PCOS under control, or because I only know half of my family history? It's really hard on Dh, he grew up Amish and frankly reproduction is quite important to them. His family doesn't get it at all. How can we have been married almost 7 years and not have a child? They know about our loss, but totally don't seem to get IF. Generally though, when we talk about the "what if" we talk about okay, so if we can't have a child of our own, then we'll adopt or foster and we're okay with that.

jdeats71 · July 2010

We talk about this a lot lately. Our IF issues are MIF and my dusty old eggs so we both share in the guilt I'm afraid. It's certainly not a deal breaker for me and not for DH either. We have talked about "what if" we do IVF and it doesn't work. What next? Adoption may be out because we will have blown our wad on IVF. Unfortunately we cannot do both. So if the next IUI doesn't work, and then IVF doesn't work.....well then we may have to come to the realization that we are are going to live child-free. And we are in the middle of processing this possiblity.

DH wants to have kids but he doesn't just want them to have them. he wants to have a family with me. so if child-free is our path then we will be getting more dogs. And lots of travel.

ColindaP · July 2010

I feel really guilty about it. All the time. And dh gives me the same "i don't want kids, I want kids with YOU" crap and he means it but...it doesn't make me feel less guilty. I guess the fair part about it is that I'm the one whose "fault" it is and I'm the one who has to go through all the shiit to try to fix it.

dh's family are not only fertiles to the 10th degree, they're also judgmental and brainwashed against IF treatment. Fvcking yay.

last weekend a good friend who is a single mom said she was just going to bring her daughter to spend time w/ dh when she needs some goood male influence. It's true, he's amazing with kids. But man did that sting. That's the closest he's gonna get to having a kid.

butterfly843 · July 2010

I feel very guilty almost all the time. I feel that it's my fault even though we are unexplained infertlity and I also feel like the loss is my fault. Seems like everyone around us has kids and it always kills me to see how good dh is with kids and how badly I want to give him one.

Orchard27 · July 2010

I feel guilty all of the time too. One of the worse times for me was when we got pregnant for the second time. At 5 weeks I started spotting a little and then it stopped and went back and forth for a week. MY DH just kept looking to me to tell him what was happening--were we going to lose this baby too. I just felt so broken having to tell him that I didn't know--I didn't know if the cramps were like last time--I wasn't sure if I still felt symptoms--I wasn't sure if the spotting was getting worse. And then I had to tell him that there was no chance for that pregnancy either. Ugh.

I am so grateful for the husband I have and I know we will survive this time in our lives somehow. We are both on the same page that living childless is not an option that we are currently willing to consider. We don't know how far we will go with IF treatments, but I talked to him about adoption being an option if we couldn't have bio kids before we were married. We started talking about it more practically after the first loss. Right now it's just talk & research, but I need to know that the possibility is there; it feels like the 1 open window we have right now.

jcath · July 2010

I feel ever so guilty. I am older than DH and I have two children and DH is such a great step-dad but I worry that by making the choice to marry me its going to mean he never has a child of his own - and that just sucks.

Honestly - dh just won't talk about what if it doesn't happen, he just says I know you are going to get pg - its just a matter of when. I wish I could be as optimistic.

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