- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Parenting
joseysbride
member
Remember my vent about my mom? New twist...
joseysbride
member
in Parenting
So, after a lot of thought and a discussion with my husband, I had decided Friday evening that I'm going to take a break from my mom. If she calls or emails, fine, but I wasn't going to go out of my way to talk to her or do anything for her. I just can't do it anymore. I don't give of myself to recieve something in return, but it would be nice to feel like it was appreciated. For her to realize just how much of an effort I make. And to not get the guilt trip when I don't put forth the effort. It is an awful feeling to feel like your own mother doesn't care about you one way or another, and by me always trying so hard to do things for her and better our relationship, it only makes me feel worse in the long run. Because, bottom line, she only cares about herself. She only wants to see us when it is convenient for her and she is going through one of her mood swings where she thinks nobody loves her, etc.
Fast forward to Sunday, which was Cohen's birthday and party. My uncle (her brother) was there with his family, and he told me that Saturday night, my mom's husband's dad had passed away. He was killed when he hit a deer with his motorcycle and my mom and her husband had witnessed the accident.
I have not heard from her. I mean, I don't even know her husband that well, and I certainly didn't know his father, but I feel like this is something that you would fill your family in on. And this is not something that I see my mom handling well. I don't know. And now, of course, I'm going back and forth or what I should do. It feels completely wrong to not acknowledge it. If anybody's father had passed away, I would want to do something for them and their family. Even if it is just to say, "I'm so sorry. Please let me know if you need anything." But the fact that she has not said a word to me makes me feel like she doesn't want me to be a part of it.
UGH. I just don't even know what to do or think anymore.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Remember my vent about my mom? New twist...
WTF?
Was she at Cohen's party?
I agree its very strange she wouldn't even tell you about something like that.
I'd probably still reach out because its obvious that if she did keep it from you, its because of her issues, its not exactly a normal thing IMO.
No, she was not at C's party. That is what sparked my vent and thoughts on the situation last week. She said she wasn't going to be able to make it, then I found out via her effing FB status that she was "so excited to get away for the weekend!" And not here to her grandson's 1st birthday.
It was on that little getaway that the accident happened.
em - I've considered sending flowers for the funeral, but I totally see her as taking that as, "Oh, she'll just spend the money to send flowers and..." As we discussed last week, I really do feel that she is jealous, and I think that comes out when it comes to anything involving money. Which is something I never talk about with anyone, and we are by no means rich, but that doesn't mean that we don't have nice things; you know?
I'd just send a card and then go back to your original plan.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
You are so right. I always try to be the bigger person in any situation. It's just that when it comes to my mom, doing that always makes me feel taken advantage, unhappy, disappointed. Because nothing is ever enough for her.
I think I am going to do what I would do for any one of my friends. Send a card to the family and make a donation in the person's name.
Thanks, girls.
I kind of disagree with the bolded statement. Only because we go through this same exact thing with my ILs...we make waaaaaaaaaay more effort than they do. And, I have finally decided you know, you reap what you sow. If they don't think they need to put out the effort, the rewards aren't going to be there for them. Because the truth is, even if you don't change the person you are (sending cards, the mother's day stuff) etc, it is changing you...it is making you bitter. And, that is not something I want to put myself through. The result is not worth the effort when you know what you are potentially opening yourself up to.
Maybe I just don't have a lot of tolerance for this kind of situation, but for me, life is too short to be spent trying to satisfy people left and right, when it is not satisfying to me at all. People don't get a free pass just because they are family. I know that I may come across as harsh, but it is just so close to home with my ILs and I am sick to death of it. Oh and did I mention, we are going to visit this weekend?....lol
Alex (11/14/06) and Nate (5/25/10)
"Want what you have, do what you can, be who you are." - Rev. Forrest Church
send a card and flowers, period. "Mom, if you want to talk, I'm here" in the card and leave it be.
you mentioned that your mom goes through mood swings where she thinks no one loves her. I think (and I'm not trying to be harsh) that perhaps you and your mom go through similar swings. This is NOT saying you are like your mom -- but it's logical to think that you could share some issues. So you must really focus on being balanced. If your mom wants to explore these issues with you and commit to it -- great. But since that won't happen, then you must let it go for yourself and your family. Focus ALL this energy and zoom in on your DH and kids.
I do go through periods where I care about her and our relationship, and as I mentioned last week, that is mostly because I hate that my kids' grandmother doesn't care about them. That, and I feel a huge responsibility to hold our (my brothers and I) family together and continue a relationship with the rest of her family (my uncle, grandmother, etc.) because ever since my parents divorced, that has been expected of me. I have let a lot of that go since I have my own family now, but those feelings and pressures are still there at times. And like I said before, the truth is that I want us all to have a good relationship and I want her to care, but I realize that I can't make her do that. Hence my decision to distance myself from her.
jw - I totally understand how you feel, and you are right, it makes you bitter and angry. I think your situation is a bit different because it is your IL's and you don't have that desire to have a stong relationship with them that you would with your own parents, although I'm sure your husband does in some way. Seriously, though, could you ever imagine not caring what your children are up to when they are older? I really can't. I took the pp's comment about not letting them change you as meaning that I am still going to be the giving and caring person that I always was. I'm not going to let the fact that she doesn't appreciate me and what I do affect how I treat others.
I finally got to the point where I quit going above and beyond what they were doing...especially with DH's sister's family....no birthday cards for years, so I am no longer sending them to my SIL/BIL either. We do send the kids a card, but no longer send $ because for 8 YEARS, we never got so much as an email to say thanks from SIL. The year we just sent cards, she called to ask where the $ was. I just can't be generous in that kind of a situation. It makes me feel so angry that I just can't.
It's hard to say how it would affect me if it were my own family because it is so out of the realm of anything they'd ever do that I can't put myself there. DH is getting to the point that he's tired of it and is starting to understand that it is not worth it to go out of way for them.
GAH! This is so hard for you. I think sticking to your plan, and handling the death as you would for other people's close family is appropriate.
(((hugs))) I know how stressful this can be.
Not that she needs to be taught a lesson, and really you can only handle your actions/reactions, not hers....I would not send a card. This is information that SHE should share with you. The fact that she hasn't is just bizarre to me and I would stop being the bigger person. At an arms length. I didn't talk to my own mom for about a year (when I was 21). I went to therapy for it even. And I finally, after taking that "break" from her and the therapy, learned how to "handle" her.
I can have ZERO expectations of her. ZERO! And it took me a LONG time to get that way.......and ONLY b/c of the break/therapy was I able to get that way. I'm afraid that if you send a card right now, you are still going to expect some sort of communication from her. And if she doesn't give you that, it's only going to hurt you further. For self protection, I would not reach out to her right now. And if you are ever confronted by her for NOT sending something, it would be a great opportunity for you to let her know that you feel she just doesn't care, and sadly, you have reached the point of "Why bother?"
(((HUGS)))