Let's Discuss....

cepcep · July 2010

One of my favorite bloggers (she has a 1 and 3 year old) had a really interesting post. She said her husband has said the following in passing to her a few times recently:

"It's like we're two people who happen to live in the same house. It's like we're living separate lives, together."

She said it made her heart sink but they have been together for such a long time and they are solid. She went on for a bit about all the other reasons she should not let her comment worry her, all very valid reasons.

I thought it was a great post and then I started reading the comments. A lot of people agreed with her that things would be OK but there were a lot of posts from women who had been in her shoes and were blindsided when their husbands ended their marriage because they had "fallen out of love".

Have you and your DH had a similar discussion? How are you keeping the "spark" alive?

cepcep · July 2010

DH and I have had a few long discussions about this. Luckily my DH is pretty low maintenance and very understanding My kids are 22 months apart and the last few years of our lives have been very hectic and exhausting. By the end of the day I had nothing left to give to anyone, I usually just went to bed, stared at the TV for a bit then passed out. I was feeling bad about it but DH and I agreed it was only temporary and when the kids were a little older we would make time for each other, we were just at a point where the kids needed ALL of us and we were giving them all we had.

Now that my baby is 15 months old we are really turning a corner. I have much more energy at the end of the day and the kids are old enough that we can get a sitter without worrying about leaving a list of instructions a mile long. We make sure to sit and watch a movie together at least once a week and have a big date night planned for our anniversary in a few weeks. We plan on having a date night once a month from here on out.

ashleywebber · July 2010

I think a lot of marriages are like that from time to time (sometimes all the time) especially when you have kids. I think a lot of the frustration depends on each person's needs. Some men are more understanding and are happy to just relax with each other. Others need lots of undivided attention and dates. Same for women. My husband and I are both really low maintanence (we are happy to watch a movie and relax together). We do like to have date nights but our budget doesn't allow for them that often (we usually wait for a grandparent to offer or we ask about once a month). I do think it is good to keep the spark and that can be done a variety of ways. For us, it is actually doing nice things for each other (like him helping me with a chore, bringing home or taking us out to dinner so I don't have to cook, or just showing affection/he likes a nice meal and the obvious). I think as long as you both care, that is key. If you stop caring, you get into trouble. Know what your husband needs and give him that and a little more. Same for him.

twh2006 · July 2010

Thank God my husband is very low maintenance and whole heartedly believes you stay together for the kids. He believes in this to the point I honestly believe he'd stay if he were miserable. I hope he never stays because of that though.

Anyways I try to always have dinner ready, and really make it as easy for him as possible since I don't have to work. We always send eachother goofy texts through the day too. We both know that soon enough it will just be us two so we try to enjoy our kids as much as possible and look forward to then!

passar3588 · July 2010

My DH and I have gone through this a few times since we've had children. It was the worst when I was PG with DS#3 and then probably for the first 4-5 months after he was born. We did discuss it a bit - it worries me more than him. He chalks it up to having had 3 kids in 3 years. And then once DS#3 settled into a routine and started going to bed earlier things got better. I fully admit I'm "all about the baby" when my kids are newborns. I get really attached and all my attention goes there.

I'm certain that all couples go through periods of feeling like this, especially when life gets really hectic. However, I do think if people feel this way often, especially when you've settled into a good routine and have time to make for each other, it can be a red flag that something isn't quite right. I'm assuming that this is why a lot of people divorce after being married 15-20 years. You stay married because you're busy shuffling your kids everywhere and then once your kids become more self-sufficient, you find out you have nothing in common anymore and it's too late to reconnect. I guess it's also why people have affairs - I think we've all heard that when people cheat, they're often looking for an emotional connection because there isn't one in the marriage anymore.

justme04 · July 2010

My husband and I have had this discussion. But we use it to address things before it gets worse. I mean we broke off our engagement for a month because we were both too busy with our own things to be "us." And then we got back together and promised we'd always talk it out because we knew that our relationship was worth maintaining. Then a month later LO was concieved...complete suprise to both of us since we were still working out our communication stuff and enforcing date nights.

We just have to make sure to sceduale us time. Its when we let the seperate things consume our lives that it gets harder to manage our relationship and the stranger feeling sets in. Its only gotten really bad the one time when we broke off the engagement and I moved out. Since then we've been able to catch when things may be heading that way and talk it out and we make sure that it doesnt get bad.

I could deffinatly see how it would get to the point that you'd fall out of love with someone. If you let that stanger feeling continue and just grow bigger and bigger. I think its key...especially if you know you love the person and know your relationship is worth working on...to watch for the signs that things could get that way and work on it before it has a chance to become a major issue.

Edit- We didn't break off the engagement because we had fallen out of love with each other. We mutually broke it off because we each had thought the other had fallen out of love.....and when we realized that wasn't the case and after the initial shock of "omg what just happened" we both decided our relationship was worth fighting for....and that we both deffinalty still cared about each other.

Daisy77 · July 2010

We keep the "spark" alive with regular arguments and the occasional night out:) Some say that fighting is bad in a marriage but for us it shows one what is really important to the other. Certain things you learn to live with (like picking up his socks) and you pick your battles. If I'm willing to start a fight over something then it's clearly an issue and he's just not hearing me. We don't have screaming matches though, we're a stern talk/silent treatment/discuss-it-when-we're-calm kind of couple. I also don't keep things inside or expect him to read my mind. Doing either of those would eat me alive.

We talk regularly about our plans for the future, whether it's building a shed, putting up some shelves or just going out to a movie. We also talk about where we are now vs. what we planned 5 years ago. Having common goals really helps when things go a little wonky, like DH working way too much. I think sometimes he falls into the pattern of his parents and we don't want that. IL's work themselves silly and are always stressed/tired/busy. When things get that way, I remind DH what WE want. Being successful is great, but not if you don't even take the time to enjoy it:)

gatogrrl · July 2010

We do feel like this sometimes. We're both so focused on DD. But we try now to have dinners together as a family every night. We also committed to having regular sex, something we were so neglectful of for quite a while. And that has been great! Also, having regular dates, even just watching a Netflix together every Saturday, gives us couple time to look forward to. We also have pretty similar interests so we try to discuss the books we're reading, the music we're listening to, etc. Last, hosting parties bonds us, both internally as a couple and socially.

cepcep · July 2010

Here is the link to her blog, she is pretty funny!

https://www.thenewgirl.typepad.com/

cepcep · July 2010

Thanks for the great feedback ladies! We do a lot of the things you mentioned above and I learned some new ideas too!

axr8111 · July 2010

We keep the spark alive by having a regular babysitter every single Saturday night unless we have something like a family friendly party or something. It makes such a difference to get out of the house dressed up and just sit across the table from each other. While we do talk about the kids a lot we make a point of trying not to talk about them the whole night and we usually do a pretty good job of reconnecting.

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