What do you think, should I be mad. (long)

kellyloveszach · July 2010

I have debated posting this because I don't like to complain about DH. He is a wonderful father and husband, however we have been running into difficulties. I thought maybe a different perspective from other people going through IF might help.

A little background. We have been dealing with MFI for a while now, we are currently on cycle 17. We recently saw an RE to determine a course of action. I did all the testing and now am waiting until August for my final consultation and then we will begin hopefully an ICSI cycle.

So here is the problem. DH is a big man and is overweight. He went to an urologist to figure out what the deal is with the MFI. They couldn't pinpoint a specific cause but weight and size is definitely a factor.

He also recently accepted a new job that starts right before our RE consultation. There was no real reason for him to change jobs, except that he was bored with his current job. His current job allowed him to work from home and now he will have to commute into work at least an hour each way. So he will definitely have less time with the family. He didn't get a pay raise and now we will be switching insurance. I am terrified we will get denied IVF coverage with the new plan. It says that it is covered but I am very hesitant. When the new job came in, he asked my opinion but he pretty much already decided to take it. I really felt like my voice wasn't heard. I didn't want him to take it. I wanted to do the IVF and then maybe he could start looking for a new job.

DH swears that he wants another child. However recently his chinese herbs ran out and we had another bottle and he didn't even look for it, he just stopped taking them, until I nagged him. He has made no effort to lose weight and to improve his health. This on top of the job thing I really am feeling hurt. I am so mad. Everytime I try to bring it up he gets defense and feels like I am blaming him for IF. I'm not but I have no control. I want to do everything in our power to make the IVF a success and he doesn't even care. The RE said with his counts we would be lucky to get any eggs fertilized. So don't you think he could try a little harder to improve his counts. I don't want to go through all the injections and stuff to have a failed attempt because he doesn't want to help out. That is if we even have coverage at this point. I don't know what to do, I am feeling extremely resentful at him. I have never felt this way through all the years of IF. Help. Do you think I am overreacting. Does anyone have a different perspective to offer. TIA. I am posting and running since we have plans. But thanks.

firsttogo · July 2010

Hey there. I can certainly see where you would be hurt. We did not ever deal with MFI, but I can see where it is a significant blow to a man's pride when that comes in to play. It may not be right, but men handle IF differently than we do, and society seems to be more accepting of female factor in general.

That being you two may need to have some time to have a serious talk about your family goals. He may want more children, but be feeling overwhelmed right now. Also, imagine if your weight was what was holding up the process? That would be a hard pill for me to swallow, and while some or most may just start a diet, and do all they can to lose it, he may not know where to start, so he shuts down. Try to talk to him when it is just the two of you, and be as non-confrontational as you can, so he feels safe about this.

I am sorry you are dealing with this... what a drag.

sbride03 · July 2010

I don't think you are overreacting. Totally understandable to feel frustrated.

I think men and women handle IF differently. I don't have any advice but I know I felt frustrated like I was the one researching, making appointments and even caring when we found out our issue was male related. I realized through a huge argument we had one night my DH felt bad but there was also a level of denial since we had a son. Does your DH feel comfortable with the RE? A second opinion is always worth a shot. Your DH may feel immobilized at the huge mountain ahead of him but with someone who could break into steps a plan of action for him (ie, small diet changes, etc) he may be able to climb an obstacle at a time. There is also a check in on the infertilty board and those girls may have some wisdom to share. My DH and I have been to counseling for other issues and sometimes an objective person can help.

uteandbuff · July 2010

firsttogo:
It may not be right, but men handle IF differently than we do, and society seems to be more accepting of female factor in general.
That being you two may need to have some time to have a serious talk about your family goals. He may want more children, but be feeling overwhelmed right now. Also, imagine if your weight was what was holding up the process? That would be a hard pill for me to swallow, and while some or most may just start a diet, and do all they can to lose it, he may not know where to start, so he shuts down. Try to talk to him when it is just the two of you, and be as non-confrontational as you can, so he feels safe about this.
I am sorry you are dealing with this... what a drag.

I agree. {{HUGS}}

AmandaMacD · July 2010

I don't have any words of wisdom, but I do think that men are just a different breed and do not handle situations, especially sensitive ones, very well. {{{HUGS}}} to you and I hope that you and your hubby can have a heart to heart.

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What do you think, should I be mad. (long)

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