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Stay at Home Moms
What does your DH think about you SAHM?
I'm sure this is asked frequently, so I am sorry in advance 
My LO is 3.5 months. I've been back to work (32 hours/week) for about 2 weeks. I am seriously considering SAHM. Our budget would be tight - money for lavish dinners out and shopping sprees would be gone, but it's not like we have time for that or the desire for that now, either. DH and I have gone back and forth. He says that he thinks it's good for our family to be dual-income AND for our dd to see a career-oriented mom (his mom worked; mine stayed home). I feel like I could always go back when our LO (and any future LOs) were in school and start saving more for their college, etc. But I'd like to be home until all my children are in kindergarten. But he says it's ultimately my decision. I'm so afraid that if I make the choice to SAHM, he will secretly start to resent me and the loss of income. I'm afraid that when he wants to buy expensive sporting event or concert tickets, he'll be angry deep down at me. For now, my mom watches our LO, so we don't have a daycare expense, so it's not like our cost of living has changed much since having DD. We haven't had to make any sacrifices financially yet. So what does your DH think about you staying at home? If money is tight, do you ever feel guilty about that? If I didn't worry about that, I'd quit my job tomorrow. I'd love to go to 50%, but that's not an option with my employer. TIA!
My LO is 3.5 months. I've been back to work (32 hours/week) for about 2 weeks. I am seriously considering SAHM. Our budget would be tight - money for lavish dinners out and shopping sprees would be gone, but it's not like we have time for that or the desire for that now, either. DH and I have gone back and forth. He says that he thinks it's good for our family to be dual-income AND for our dd to see a career-oriented mom (his mom worked; mine stayed home). I feel like I could always go back when our LO (and any future LOs) were in school and start saving more for their college, etc. But I'd like to be home until all my children are in kindergarten. But he says it's ultimately my decision. I'm so afraid that if I make the choice to SAHM, he will secretly start to resent me and the loss of income. I'm afraid that when he wants to buy expensive sporting event or concert tickets, he'll be angry deep down at me. For now, my mom watches our LO, so we don't have a daycare expense, so it's not like our cost of living has changed much since having DD. We haven't had to make any sacrifices financially yet. So what does your DH think about you staying at home? If money is tight, do you ever feel guilty about that? If I didn't worry about that, I'd quit my job tomorrow. I'd love to go to 50%, but that's not an option with my employer. TIA!
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Re: What does your DH think about you SAHM?
This may not help, but DH and i were fully in agreement that I would be a SAHM. FWIW, his mom worked, but only because she had to (his parents divorced when he was young and dad didn't help much with child support). We planned this scenario pretty much from the get-go.
Is it possible to work for a while longer and set aside your income to see how you could swing it?
I had always just thought I would SAHM, but when we got married DH was all for us having a dual-income and not having to be the sole provider. His DD from previous marriage was in daycare, and he was offended anytime I suggested I didn't want our kids raised in daycare.
FF a couple years and 2 kids later, and he was dying for me to quit and SAHM. For us, it was really stressful to have me working and then trying to keep up with everything at home. Not to mention that we were lucky enough to have family watch our kids, but eventually it was just too hard on everyone else to watch them all day. Daycare for 2 kids was too expensive, so I cut back my hours to work while DH was home, and then be home when DH was at work. That made things even harder, since I was still expected to get the same amount of work done, and I felt like a charity case for my employer because of their flexibility with my schedule. DH was stressed out with the kids in the morning, and we were both single-parenting when we had the boys.
Financially, it is difficult for us. DH makes decent income for our area, but we built our home planning on both our salaries and have debt that should have been taken care of before I quit to SAH. DH is a car nerd, so he picks up projects here and there, and I draft house plans so I pick that up here and there. It's difficult, but paying daycare for 3 boys (EDD 8/1) would eat up my salary. Even if I did come out ahead, we both feel like I should SAHM. As far as feeling guilty about that, I have mentioned to DH that I could get a job, but since we've already gone that route and seen how hard it is on our family he's totally against it.
Basically, he's done a complete 180. Any chance your DH will do the same after some time? And if you're worried about finances, I think you should tuck ALL your income away until you do SAH. It will give you an idea of what life will be without it, and will also give you a little egg for extra spending on those big-ticket items you mentioned.
DD#1~8/17/96------DS~10/24/05
My DH is completely supportive of me staying home and we agreed that we would only have a baby if one of us did. His job is more flexible and it's a new career for him so it made more sense for him to keep working. If I loved my job (I did NOT), he would be the one staying home. I just wanted to point out something I saw in your second post. You're worried that he might resent you in the future, but you're resenting him now - why should that be okay? I think you guys need to sit down and talk about it now and really look at your finances. I know a lot of people stay home after a certain # of children, but I'm with you. Why miss this time in the first one's life with the plan of enjoying it for future children?
My husband loves it. He loves hearing what we do during the day and is amazed by how much our son learns just being with me during the day... plus the house being clean, laundry being done, and homecooked meals (and baked goods!) sweeten the deal, I suppose!
He's never resented me at all... as soon as our son was born, my husband had a strong desire for him not to go to daycare and for me to be at home with him.. thankfully, because that's what I wanted, too! Make sure you talk it through and voice all your concerns prior.
Noel - August 2010
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This is kind of one of those underlying value things. I think this comment, "He says that he thinks it's good for our family to be dual-income AND for our dd to see a career-oriented mother," is sort of a deal breaker for me, but it would have been one when I was dating too.
One thing this quote screams to me is that you are only worth what your job pays and that is not a value I want to teach my kids.
I was plenty career oriented before my kids were born. I probably will be again, but to me, and to my DH, it is important that I (or one of us) be home with my kids when they are little. DH has never pressured me to stay home, and has been supportive of my choice. I think he knows the great benefit that it provides us. He also knows that neither one of us seeing our children except on weekends would be very stressful on all of us.
I don't feel one bit guilty, but we are making a lifestyle choice, or maybe a lack of lifestyle choice, not ignoring our financial obligations. I might feel differently if we were not meeting our savings and investment goals.
This. Keep working with SAH as a goal. Live off of his salary and bank yours or use it to pay off a bill or car to eliminate a big monthly payment. Do this for a few months and re-evaluate.
I understand what you are saying, its a risk but if you take some steps to secure yourself financially while you are still working it will be worthwhile. Good luck!
My DH loves it. In addition to the fact that one of gets to be with her 24 hrs/day, it's taken so many stresses out of our lives. I can take care of things during the daytime that we otherwise would have to work into a busy weekend (errands, phonecalls, doc appts).
Of course I feel guilty when there are things DH might have bought before that he can no longer buy now, but that's just one of the trade-offs. Since he's so supportive of me SAH, I really don't think he resents me.
GL!
It's a GIRL!!
This. Also, it is something we discussed before we even got married and had kids. We were in an agreement I would stay at home because we want a big family.
See, it always baffles me when people say they need to be an example to their kids by being a paycheck earning worker. Is it really that important to show a 3.5 month old that you can hold your own in a career? Hmm, and even when they are fully grown and can 'reflect' on the fact that their mom 'worked' while they were little-- they may not appreciate it or care. It might just mean more to them that you sacrificed a bit for your kids and made your family your #1 priority. I want to teach my DD that family comes first- then money & personal goals. Raising kids is a short phase of life, it's not forever. They will grow up & be gone before we know it.
We feel that we are providing our kid(s) with the best foundation possible by having me SAH & DH work full-time. I have a totally different situation than you but this is what works for us. And yes, DH is 110% supportive. He thrives as sole 'provider' and I excel at taking care of the family while he is gone. We also get more family time together on the weekends as a result
That said, I think you need to have a frank talk with your husband. If he agrees to you SAH, he needs to support that choice 110%. You may need to touch base with a couples counselor here and there to make sure everyone is truly happy with whatever arrangement you choose.
What overall situation would be best for your child? It's a tough call and one that only you guys can make. GL!
We both agreed before we got married that we wanted me to be home with our kids. Having said that, I did hear my husband say he felt that his mom took advantage of his dad by staying at home when him and his brother were in hs and college. They played sports and didn't get home until dinner time and she was home all day.
I disagree with working just to set an example idea. I think our daughter would benefit more from the one on one time I can give to her everyday. My mom stayed home with me, but not with my younger siblings. They both don't have much drive (22 and 24 yrs old) when it comes to having a career/college. I was extremely driven during college and the 6 years I worked before having our first baby.
I love this statement! (With the usual disclaimer, I know a working mom is best for some families, blah blah blah.) I think we are progressive enough that our kids know that women can work and don't JUST look to mom for guidance.
For the OP, your DH is okay with you SAH after your future second kid but not now. Why? To save up more money? In the long run, will those 2-3 years really make that much of a difference to your bottom line? Or would he rather you have more time with the kids?
Yes, DH is 100% supportive of me staying home and if I were to choose to go back to work b/c I felt it was the best thing for me, he would be 100% supportive of that choice as well.
I do agree with other posters that while you're mulling over this decision to put all of your income into savings to see if you could live off of your DH's income. And you both have to be really honest about how it makes you feel. Resentment in any relationship can get really ugly. GL.
My DH is on board because it makes his life a lot easier too.
You can always change your mind if it doesn't work out.