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Stay at Home Moms
RadicalDreamer143
member
A question from a working mom (long)
RadicalDreamer143
member
First off, this is NOT a post designed to flame/insult anyone here (I know some might see the title and assume I am trying to stir the sh!t, but it's really not).
I'm a working mom of a four month old baby boy. My DH and I both have great paying professional careers - he is in the six figures while still in his 20s, and I am not too far behind. We both work the typical 40-hour work week with some flex time (right now we're doing 7am - 3:30pm), and Liam is in a daycare center.
I've been feeling a bit down lately. My boss is a piece of work, the team I am on has a few people on it who would not hesitate to throw someone under the bus, so to speak, so obviously work could be better. I'm a member of a mom's group, and have lately been getting frustrated that pretty much every activity is scheduled for weekdays during the day - and it's really not their fault, aside from playdates, because none of the local businesses (Little Gym, that sort of thing) seem to cater to the schedule of a working mom. Weekends are reserved for activities for school-ages kids, and SAHMs are common, as opposed to NYC where I was raised.
So lately, I've been giving this a LOT of thought... and am considering becoming a SAHM. If my baby needs to socialize, I would bring him to one of the frequent playgroups during the week. Lately I feel like my daycare is just moving Liam from activity to activity, and I think it is resulting in him having a shorter attention span, and making it harder for him to focus. At home he wouldn't have to be constantly surrounded by a bunch of children, and could have some quiet time to explore his world uninterrupted.
But then there's the issue of my salary. I don't know anyone, at all, who has given up a salary of almost six-figures to SAH for several years. Obviously sacrifices would be made. It's not like I would be giving up a $50k or less per year salary to do this, in a place where child care is $1500+ per month - childcare is peanuts for us, I could easily swing paying for the three kids we want to have. But if I stop working - sure DH makes great money, but not only would my career be on hold, but we'd have to live quite frugally again, and possibly defer my significant student loans (think in the neighborhood of $80,000, and the idea of accruing a ton of interest over the years makes me cringe). Right now we can pretty much afford anything we want - if I quit, I may look into clipping coupons - so yes, it would be a big life change, though I have been in this situation before. However, right now I have that feeling that I am missing out on my son. I think about him constantly during the day, and it hasn't gotten any better.
Has anyone got any words of advice, or even thoughts on this? I'll be XPing this in WMs and possibly 3-6 as well. Right now I have to run to a demo, so if I don't reply for a while, don't think I abandoned the topic.
I'm a working mom of a four month old baby boy. My DH and I both have great paying professional careers - he is in the six figures while still in his 20s, and I am not too far behind. We both work the typical 40-hour work week with some flex time (right now we're doing 7am - 3:30pm), and Liam is in a daycare center.
I've been feeling a bit down lately. My boss is a piece of work, the team I am on has a few people on it who would not hesitate to throw someone under the bus, so to speak, so obviously work could be better. I'm a member of a mom's group, and have lately been getting frustrated that pretty much every activity is scheduled for weekdays during the day - and it's really not their fault, aside from playdates, because none of the local businesses (Little Gym, that sort of thing) seem to cater to the schedule of a working mom. Weekends are reserved for activities for school-ages kids, and SAHMs are common, as opposed to NYC where I was raised.
So lately, I've been giving this a LOT of thought... and am considering becoming a SAHM. If my baby needs to socialize, I would bring him to one of the frequent playgroups during the week. Lately I feel like my daycare is just moving Liam from activity to activity, and I think it is resulting in him having a shorter attention span, and making it harder for him to focus. At home he wouldn't have to be constantly surrounded by a bunch of children, and could have some quiet time to explore his world uninterrupted.
But then there's the issue of my salary. I don't know anyone, at all, who has given up a salary of almost six-figures to SAH for several years. Obviously sacrifices would be made. It's not like I would be giving up a $50k or less per year salary to do this, in a place where child care is $1500+ per month - childcare is peanuts for us, I could easily swing paying for the three kids we want to have. But if I stop working - sure DH makes great money, but not only would my career be on hold, but we'd have to live quite frugally again, and possibly defer my significant student loans (think in the neighborhood of $80,000, and the idea of accruing a ton of interest over the years makes me cringe). Right now we can pretty much afford anything we want - if I quit, I may look into clipping coupons - so yes, it would be a big life change, though I have been in this situation before. However, right now I have that feeling that I am missing out on my son. I think about him constantly during the day, and it hasn't gotten any better.
Has anyone got any words of advice, or even thoughts on this? I'll be XPing this in WMs and possibly 3-6 as well. Right now I have to run to a demo, so if I don't reply for a while, don't think I abandoned the topic.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: A question from a working mom (long)
I say, if you could still afford your life (basic needs - Home car food) - and provide DS a good home life regardless of material sacrifies (if any) go for it.
Your making a decision for the greater good of your family
I can say that I just gave up a significant salary (not 6 figures, but getting pretty close) to stay at home, though my boss and I are working out a PT/freelance situation as soon as things settle down a bit at work (things are super busy there right now, so just getting time to call me is a challenge for him). Fortunately we live in a fairly LCOL area, and DH has been carrying all the benefits for a while, so the loss of income isn't as significant as it could be. Plus the PT/freelance $ will be a bonus.
But my situation may be different from yours. While I liked my job, my commute was 50+ miles each way. I went back to work for a month after my maternity leave to help cover during the chaos, and was seeing DD for maybe 2 hours a day--maybe an hour in the morning while I fed her and handed her off to DH to take her to daycare, and an hour or so in the evening after her last bottle when she was winding down to go to bed. It just killed me that I was spending so little time with her. This was even with a good daycare center where everyone loved her and she seemed to be doing well.
IMO, you have some options:
1. Look for a different job in the same field, with hopefully a better team that gives you a more positive outlook on your job.
2. Find a different daycare provider, whether that's in-home daycare or a different center, that gives your child more of what he needs.
3. Look into some sort of PT option with your work where you can make some money but still be able to spend more time with your DS
4. Become a SAHM and make the lifestyle changes you think you could do.
5. Stay at your job for a defined period of time (maybe a year or so?) and aggressively pay down/off the student loan. You could potentially throw a good chunk of your salary at it during that time period to make it more manageable if/when you decide to SAH.
GL
First off- i don't think a four month old's attention span has anything to do with the shuffling of activity to activity in daycare. But that is just my personal opinion on the subject.
Secondly- it really just depends on what you want to do and what you/your DH's personal, financial and family goals are. There is no generic 'right' answer.
Several women on this board- myself included have given up six figure salaries- (or switched it up- I WAH and started my own business - but that was for my own PERSONAL goal- not a financial 'need' or want though it doesn't hurt- and i make pretty much what i made working FT in corportate but now on my own)
So honestly it doesn't have to be feast or famine. It doesn't have to be balls to the wall corporate environment 40+hrs a week or SAH sewing doilies for fun.... it just depends on what your personal and professional goals/objectives are. It doesn't need to be one or the other- however if you want a middle ground option- you DO need to be creative, think outside of the box, most likely need childcare assistance at least on a PT basis- etc.
i am just sharing some of my experiences- because I don't fit the typical SAHM or the typical WM-
I am actually one of those people that gave up a very comfortable 6 figure income to stay home with my kids. Thankfully DH also made very good money and we were big savers and so never spent all that we made and saved a ton every paycheck. So while it seemed crazy at first that I would give up so much money when I was able to comfortably afford an at home nanny who did a lot of the housework too...now I think I'd be crazy to miss out on this short and special time in my kids lives. Is it always easy and glamourous, no way, but when DS learned his colors, I felt proud that I was the one who taught him that. When he is sick, I am glad I am here to snuggle with him in the mornings. When I look back at pictures and see how quickly time goes by, I have no regrets giving up all that money. Having kids is a sacrifice...that's what they say. Yes, you have to give up a lot but what you gain is worth so much more than money.
Also if your husband makes a 6 figure income and you think you'd still need to "clip coupons" then maybe you're living in a home or neighborhood that is too expensive for you. I know this sounds like too big of a change, but consider moving to a smaller less expensive home or selling an expensive car for a less expensive one. Just a thought. You might find that if you change a couple of big expenses in your life you won't feel like you have to clip coupons.
I gave up that salary and I know other ladies on this board did too. My DH and I were always frugal, all of our fixed costs were off one salary and the other was for trips, savings, home remodeling etc. We did make sacrifices for me to stay home but still have a nice life.
I WAH after DD#1 was born and that was a good arrangement for a while but once DD#2 was born I decided to stop. Maybe you could work out a similar arrangement. I do miss my job, coworkers and pay but I do not miss the politics of corporate america.
I really love being at home with my girls. My oldest is now 3 and I can't believe how fast the time goes. I know people say that all the time but it really is true. I am glad I get to spend all of the everyday moments with them.
You'll know what is right for you when the time comes. Good luck!
Which do you want more- to spend time raising your baby (and "clipping coupons") or to be able to buy stuff? Maybe you can take a few months off as a trial run. If you can't do that, then do a trial run of the money situation where you live only on DH's salary and put your salary in savings.
Brady Phoenix, 8.29.09
Claire Zoe, 10.26.10
I gave up a job I actually enjoyed and a nice paycheck, but it wasn't a hard decision for me. We had planned on me SAH since before getting married, so we always lived off of DH's salary.
As a pp said, this time goes unbelieveably fast and I'd be sick if I missed it.
I will also say that I shop sales, we rarely take big vacations and we have to stick closely to a budget. While all that stinks, we are happy and to us it is worth it.
If you're serious, you might want to think drastic; like moving to a smaller house, selling a newer car for a used one, etc.
I don't feel our house is too big, its in an older neighborhood in my area, and definitely not a 3000 sqft house, it's a modest three bedroom. I know some thing that DH's salary might be a ton, but after factoring in over $1k per month in student loans, $1600ish for mortgage/taxes/insurance (less than the rent I paid when I lived up north), $800 for health insurance, $500 for car (which we are going to have paid off in a month or so, we bought a Fit and aggressively paid it down), 10% for retirement, college savings... it adds up.
My job unfortunately won't allow for P/T or WFH, or rather my boss wouldn't. If I did it on my own, I would still need to be on site.
I actually created a spreadsheet that showed how quickly I could pay off the student loans if I lived a VERY frugal lifestyle, and it would take till late 2012. It's an option, and would be nice for when we have future children, but Liam would be closing in on three at that point, ugh. It would be something to consider.
It's funny, sometimes. I never realized how much I would miss my son back when I was pregnant. A lot of it comes down to that.
from a financial standpoint (i am an accountant)- paying off school loans ahead of time is rarely beneficial opposed to the tax benefits of deducing the interest if allowed. Look at your interest rate and see if consolidating is a possibility
They're in the neighborhood of 5.35%. However, since DH and I are married (combined our SLs are over 100k), we can only deduct $2500/year, I think, in interest. Which is peanuts. Yay for the marriage penalty!
it depends on your AGI (adjusted gross income) regardless if you can deduct the interest or not- it is still USUALLY better to pay off other debt and/or max retirement savings before paying additional money towards SL's. I would still investigate possibly consolidating and getting a lower interest rate on your loans. I consolidated my loans and went from a 6.5% to less than 2%.
The same company has both of my loans - for mine it's roughly 67k and 6k - but I can't consolidate them with my DH's right? My minimum payment, according to them, are $850 and $70 per month, respectively. These are federal loans (Direct Loans). FWIW, my only other debt is our car, with maybe $5000 left, and my DH's loans, which are about $$250/mo, I think. We have no CC debt, just our mortgage ($1600ish per month for everything, including taxes and insurance).
This is such a personal decision. It sounds to me like you could make it work financially. It wouldn't be your ideal financial situation, but having to clip coupons isn't the worst thing in the world. On the other hand, would living under a tight budget, and giving up a lot of fun stuff, put a strain on you over time?
Would you miss the professional world, even with its stresses? The satisfaction of bringing home a paycheck and having a professional identity? Or would missing your son be worse for you?
For me, the office life was kind of drab, and having money to spend is not important. We save about 30% of our net income for the future, and DH does not make six figures. We're paying down our loans aggressively. We find ways to do fun things without spending a lot of money, and we buy most of DD's things secondhand. It suits us, but we've always been somewhat frugal, and feel comfortable living this way. It's a very slow-pace lifestyle and that's what we wanted.
Good luck with your decision -- there is no right or wrong answer, just do what's right for you.
holy crap, why are spending $800 a month on health insurance? do neither of your employers offer benefits? that seems insane to me, unless you have an unusual situation?
like pp said, there is no right or wrong answer here. it's what you feel you can live without. the benefits of working, or spending that time with your son? i may not know you, but i have a feeling your mind may already be made up?
It's a GIRL!!
We recently got rid of cable - before we even discussed my staying home, since neither of us watch much TV - and got netflix instead. Heck, DH is even using Magic Jack for our phone (it's actually not bad, and super cheap). I think a lot of our money was going towards fixing up our house - we bought a foreclosure one year ago, and have been renovating it ever since, and comfortably so. We're pretty much done, with the exception of a real dining room set (we have a nice table and chairs, but no china cabinet), so we might be able to slow down that expense once the backyard is finished this month. Our health insurance is such that we have pretty much whatever we need for free (my entire pregnancy, c/s, post-op stuff cost $50), but it is what it is, I guess. And I would really hate to defer my loans yet again.
I've been back to work for about two months now, and it hasn't been getting better. I think I may try living frugally starting now (well, after I pay for Liam's pictures, yet another thin I am loathe to give up), and socking away half the money into savings, and the other into aggressively paying down the rest of the loans. Either way, it will give me time to think, I suppose.
No, it wouldn't but it might put me in a position to have a lower payment than what I am currently doing. I don't think (with a good conscience) I could save money while having a big chunk of debt (even though it is considered "acceptable debt") hanging over my head. But I'm weird like that. Right now I could potentially throw $4000 at a month at it, which would still take a while, and definitely wouldn't help my current situation. However, my point was that I would do that while continuing to consider. It can't hurt.
I'm not sure what your field is and how difficult it is to find PT work, but I left my job on maternity leave to accept a PT position. Given, I didn't leave a 6 figure job (but I did make more than $50k a year) to be at home. I work 17 hours a week for a small business so I'm staying in my field but I'm not in it 40+ hours a week. In 6 years when I go back to FT work, no one will ever know I only worked PT so being home isn't going to hurt me in the long run (and I'm not missing out on promotions since I would never want to move higher up the food chain than I'm at now and sacrifice time away from my family).
Is that an option for you? That might be a good balance in keeping some of your income but being home with your DS more.
Best of luck with whatever you decide.
do what you think- but ANY financial advisor would simply advise against that. If you want varying opinions- I highly suggest posting over on the Money Matters Board.
And you DO realize that if you have 4k a month to SAVE and sock away (that is paying your SL as is for OVER six months (i believe you said your payment was around 600+ a month) that is over SIX MONTHS of payments if you DECIDED to SAH in the future). So if you save 4k for one month- that = 6 months of school loan payments for when you DO SAH- .... So I would save 4k, invest it in a high interest vehicle- and use it to pay your SL's when/if you decide to SAH in the future.
I would also encourage you not to look at this as only a financial decision.
How important is your identity as a career woman? What do you really want? Being a SAHM isn't right for everyone and that's ok.
Your heart may be crying out to stay at home or it might be telling you to get a different job that better meets the needs of your family.
Sometimes as a SAHM I was a little envious of working moms. I've starting doing freelance work two days a week and DD goes to daycare on those days. I'm like a new woman. It doesn't have to be one extreme or the other. Find something that's right for you.